How to Be a Person
Page 1
Copyright © 2012 by Lindy West, Dan Savage, Christopher Frizzelle, and Bethany Jean Clement
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form, or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
Published by Sasquatch Books
Cover design, interior design, illustrations, and composition by Corianton Hale
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
eISBN: 978-1-57061-835-2
Sasquatch Books
1904 Third Avenue, Suite 710
Seattle, WA 98101
(206) 467-4300
www.sasquatchbooks.com
custserv@sasquatchbooks.com
v3.1
CONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
PREFACE
INTRODUCTION
Just Calm Down, Don’t Freak Out, All Kinds of Things Are About to Happen to You
1. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT COLLEGE
How to Get Along With People Who Are Different from You
How to Get Along With Roommates Who Are Different from You
On Making Friends
A Few Majors That You Should Not Major In
Everything There Is to Know About Whatever Major You Choose (Or, Who Needs Classes?)
Physics
Art
Psychology
Computer Science
Theater
Biology
Chemistry
Classical Music
Literature
Economics
Journalism
History
Philosophy
What No One Else Will Tell You About Dropping Out
2. A GUIDE TO AMERICA
The Pacific Northwest
The Midwest
California
The Southwest
The South
The Northeast
The Mountains
Alaska
Hawaii
3. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT SEX AND DATING
How to Get With a Girl If You Are a Boy
How to Get With a Boy If You Are a Girl
How to Get With a Gay/Lesbian If You Are a Gay/Lesbian
How to Get With a Bi/Trans/Differently Sexual Person If You Are a Bi/Trans/Differently Sexual Person
How to Turn a Crush Into Something More
How to Ask Someone Out
How to Take Someone on a Romantic Date
How to Kiss
How to Successfully Put Your Parts in or on Another Person
Different Sexual Positions You Need to Try in College
How to Have a One-Night Stand
How to Have Casual Sex
How to Be in a Relationship
Honesty Actually Is the Best Policy
Cover Your Junk! How to Not Impregnate an Individual or Get Impregnated Yourself, and, Also Very Importantly, Not Get a Sexually Transmitted Infection (Because You Really Don’t Want That)
A Little More About STIs
How to Break Up With Someone
How to Get an Abortion
A Note on Polyamory
4. HOW TO BE GAY
What to Do If All Your Life You Have Secretly Wanted to Have Sex With Someone With the Same Private Parts as You
A Note About Anti-Gay Bigots
How to Come Out of the Closet
Where to Go to College If You’re Gay
The History of Gay People in a Few Paragraphs
On Gay People Sleeping With Straight People
How to Have Sex With a Man If You’re a Man
How to Have Oral Sex
How to Have Anal Sex
How to Have Sex With a Woman If You’re a Woman
5. HOW TO SLEEP WITH YOUR PROFESSOR
6. SAVAGE LOVE, COLLEGE EDITION
So I Have This Roommate
So I Have This Religion
So I Just Discovered Anal Sex
So I’ve Been Thinking About Polyamory
So I Have These Parents
So I Have This Kink
So I’m in This Relationship and Something About the Sex Just Isn’t Right
So I Think I Just Cheated
So I Think I Just Got Raped
So I Think I’m Pregnant
So I Think I’m Trans
So I’m a Virgin—Or My Partner Is
7. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT DRINKING
How to Deal With a Hangover
How to Binge Drink
Handy Synonyms for Being Drunk
On Vomiting
Handy Synonyms for Vomiting
How to Get Roofied and Still Have a Good Time
How to Drink Like an Adult
On Drinking and Driving
Beer: It’s All Good
Wine: What the Hell’s the Deal?
Why Do the Drinks at This Bar Cost So Goddamn Much?
8. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT DRUGS
Don’t Do Drugs! Okay? Seriously! Ever
Marijuana
Cocaine
Methamphetamine
Ecstasy
LSD
Mushrooms
Heroin
A Note That Could Save Your or a Friend’s Life
A Final Word About Drugs
9. A FEW WORDS ABOUT MANNERS
A Few of the Basics
How to Have a Conversation
How to Take a Compliment
How to Be a Guest at a Party
How to Host a Party
On Toilets
10. HOW TO DO LAUNDRY
How to Actually Do Laundry
11. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT FOOD
How to (Not) Be a Foodie
So You’re a Vegetarian!
A Really Easy, Really Pretty, Really Good Soup You Can Make With a Butternut Squash
How to Make Tacos
How to Make Very Tasty Pasta
How to Make the World’s Best Macaroni and Cheese (With a Monogram on It!)
How to Make an Impressive Entire Roasted Chicken
Make Your Own Coffee!
Organic Food: WTF?
12. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT MUSIC, BOOKS, AND ART
How to Be Into Music Without Annoying Everyone
What the Albums in Your Dorm Room Say About You
What the Art Posters in Your Dorm Room Say About You
Everything You Need to Know to Successfully Flirt With a Film Nerd
Spoiler Alerts for the Big Novels So You Can Flirt With English Nerds as If You’ve Already Read Them
Books You Should Avoid
13. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT POLITICS
Getting Started
How to Know If You’re a Republican or a Democrat
Take It Easy on Tattooing Yourself in Your Beliefs
When It’s Okay to Yell at Someone About Politics
What No One Else Will Tell You About Feminism
Guess What? You Are a Feminist
First-Wave Feminism: Maybe We Could Be Citizens Now?
Second-Wave Feminism: Maybe You Could Stop Raping Us, Please?
Third-Wave Feminism: Maybe I Like Rape! Shut Up! Maybe I Don’t! Shut Up!
Postfeminism: Sexism Is Dead! Long Live Sexism!
Stop Victim-Blaming!
Stop Slut-Shaming!
Gender Is a Social Construct: What ARE You!?
Women Do Not Exist for the Purposes of Your Boner
Male Privilege: It Is Real, and It Is Totally Bogus
A Final Note: Yes, Indeed!
14. SOME FINANCIAL ADVICE COURTESY OF THE BIBLE
Eschew Credit Cards
The Bible Further Suggests That You Get a Job
Jesus Christ on a Bicycle, Don’t Buy a Car
The Golden Rule and Beer
15. HOW TO USE A COMPUTER
Things the Internet Is Good For (Now)
Things the Internet Is Not Good For (Yet)
Trolls Be Trollin’
How to Twitter
How NOT to Facebook
Sexy, Sexy Pornos!!!
SHOW ME YER BOOBZ
How to Un-Spam Thyself
How to Date People Inside Your Computer and Not Get Murdered
16. HOW TO WRITE GOOD
Three Great Sentences and What Makes Them Great
What Not to Do
Don’t Use Clichés
Don’t Waste Time
Don’t Overwrite
Don’t Use First Person Unless You Have To
How to Write a College Paper
How to Write a Cover Letter
How to Write Poetry
17. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT HEARTBREAK AND DEATH
How to Get Over a Broken Heart
When Someone You Love Dies
On Suicide
APPENDIX A. WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TELL YOU ABOUT WORKING IN RESTAURANTS
What It’s Like Working for a Mom-and-Pop Bakery
What It’s Like Working for a Chain Restaurant
What It’s Like Working for a High-End Restaurant in London
What It’s Like Working as a Restaurant Janitor
What It’s Like Working as a Barista, an Incompetent Waitress, a Barely Competent Cook, and at a Shady Café
APPENDIX B. THE DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE THAT THERE ARE
People Who Choose to Correct You About the Definition of “Hobo”
People Who Are Mean to Hoboes
People Who Still Have Jobs
People Who Are Quietly Less Than $100 Away from Complete Destitution
People Who Secretly Have Vast Family Fortunes/Trust Funds to Keep Them from Ever Knowing Complete Destitution, or Even Mild Hardship
People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns
People Who Don’t Watch TV
People Who Will Just Have a Bite of Whatever You’re Having
People Who Studied Abroad in a Third-World Country
People Who Are into Whimsy
People Who Are White Who Call Black People “Brothas” When Talking to Other White People, as in, “A Lot of My Friends Are Brothas”
People Who Are Old
Old People Who Think Pigeons Are Their Best Friends
Babies
People Who Are Secret Hookers
Recession Hookers
People Who Are Pretty and Smart and Funny and Nice
People Who Are Hot Greek Waiters
People Who Smile at You on the Street
People Who Don’t Know How to Drink
People Who Are Only Interesting When They’re Drunk
People Who Believe in Sasquatch
People Who Don’t Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics
Wizards
Russians
Russian Wizards
People Who Let Their Cat Walk Across Their Kitchen Cutting Board, Even Though Those Are the Same Fucking Paws That Have Been Tramping Around That Shit-Filled Cat Box and I Don’t See a Kitty Foot-Washing Station Around Here, Do You?
People Who Don’t Know How to Navigate a Four-Way Stop or an Uncontrolled Intersection
Animals That Are Really People Who Got Transformed by a Witch
People Who Think “Hipsters” Are a Thing
People Who Are Just a Down-to-Earth Guy, Who Enjoys the Little Things in Life Like Going for Walks, Lifting Weights, or Just Doing Whatever (LOL), Whose Friends Would Probably Describe Him as Honest, Truthful, Loyal, Affectionate, Compassionate, and Romanceful, and Is Looking for a Woman Who Is That Rare Combination of Stunning on the Outside and Beautiful on the Inside, and Most Importantly Down-to-Earth, Enjoys the Little Things in Life, Loves Children, Animals, Has a Passion, Laughter. I Especially Like Asians
People Who Try to Pretend Like They Already Knew the Story About Jimmy Stewart Smuggling a Yeti Hand out of Nepal in His Wife’s Underpants
People Who Say, “Whole Foods? More Like Whole Paycheck!”
People Who Just Threw Up in Their Mouth a Little
Women
American People of Irish Descent
People Who Are Bill Paxton
People Who Miss the Point
People Who Don’t Miss the Point
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
About the Authors
PREFACE
Every year, The Stranger, Seattle’s only newspaper, puts out an issue of advice for college students—all the things you need to know about life that everyone else “forgot” to tell you.