Finding Hope at Lighthouse Cove

by Jessica Redland

  ‘Hi, Megan,’ I said. ‘You won’t remember me. You were a baby last time I saw you.’

  ‘I’m a big girl now,’ she said.

  ‘I can see that.’

  She crossed her arms and frowned. ‘You look like Auntie Jess, but bigger. Do you have two babies growing in your tummy too?’

  ‘No… er… I…’ The words stuck in my throat and I just stared at her, my heart racing. How had it not entered my head until now? If it was over with Gary – and how could it not be after what he’d done – so were my dreams of being a mum. Shit! No husband. No family.

  Jess took hold of Megan’s hand and shot me a confused look before focusing on the little girl again. ‘Are you ready to try on your gorgeous dress that will make you look like a princess?’ she asked.

  ‘Yes!’ Megan bounced up and down then followed Jess into the shop.

  Deep breath. Controlled breathing. You can do this.

  Somehow I managed to hold it together. Funnily enough, it was mainly thanks to Megan. She was a bundle of energy and a source of continuous questions so it was difficult to focus on anything but her. Fortunately, there were no more questions about babies.

  As we stepped out of the shop into the sunshine and waved goodbye to Megan and Izzy, Jess turned to me and screwed up her face. ‘Are you okay? You’ve been a bit spaced this afternoon.’

  ‘Have I? Sorry. Still tired from that sick bug.’

  ‘Are you sure that’s all? You acted very strangely before we went in when Megan asked you about babies.’

  I chewed my lip. I wasn’t going to get away with evading it completely. ‘It’s something and nothing. I thought Gary and I would be ready to try for a family soon, but he’s not quite ready. We had an argument about it last week.’

  ‘Oh no! Are things okay between you now?’

  I smiled and hoped it looked sincere. ‘We’re working on it.’

  Jess looked as though she was going to interrogate me, but we were saved by her mobile ringing. ‘Sorry,’ she said, fishing it out of her bag. ‘Hi you… Crap! Is it?’ She glanced at her watch and pulled a face. ‘Sorry, I hadn’t realised. We’re finished now… yeah… yeah… okay… see you shortly. Love you.’ She dropped her mobile back into her bag. ‘Sorry, I’ve got to dash. Lee needs the car.’ She gave me a quick hug. ‘Call me if you want to talk.’

  I shook my head. ‘As I said, it’s something and nothing. Off you go. I’ll see you soon.’

  I started back towards the multi-storey car park then changed my mind. I had a couple of hours before Gary was home so a bit of fresh air might be in order to clear my head and plan what I wanted to achieve from our talk.

  Ten minutes later, I kicked off my flip-flops, turned the waistband of my long white flared skirt over a few times to stop it trailing in the water, and paddled along the shoreline in South Bay. I was planning to continue over the swing bridge to the caves at Lighthouse Cove – my thinking place. I hadn’t been able to think about much when I’d parked near there on Saturday night, but now I was definitely ready.

  But as I made my way up the sand, I realised that the beach on a sunny Saturday in mid-June was not the place to be. Everywhere I looked there were children: clambering over the rocks, paddling in the rock pools, fishing with brightly coloured nets, splashing water or chasing each other around, squealing. It was an image of the perfect family life. The life that I’d been expecting. The life that my husband had just ruined. Then it hit me. The reason why Gary had been putting off starting a family wasn’t because of my promotion, the surgery expansion, or the desire to become financially secure; it was because he wasn’t certain he could commit to staying with me. What if he’d been struggling more and more with each passing year to quash his attraction to men and he knew he’d eventually lose his internal battle? What if he’d been planning to leave me all along and he hadn’t wanted the added complication of children to stop him? How could I have been so blind?

  I couldn’t stay there, surrounded by kids, without dissolving into tears. Lighthouse Cove, with its caves and rock pools, was as much a magnet to families as the main beach so no good either. Turning round, I marched across the sand in a diagonal line towards where I’d joined the beach, dodging sandcastles, sunbathers, and games of cricket.

  With my head down, I willed myself not to think, not to cry, not to do anything but focus on getting out of there. Fast. I didn’t see the Frisbee coming towards me – or the large man diving for it – until it was far too late.

  Sprawled out on the sand, I gasped for breath. Talk about being winded! Ouch. I tried to scramble to my feet but collapsed again when a sharp pain seared through my left ankle.

  ‘Oh my God! Elise! I’m so sorry.’

  I looked up, squinting. ‘Stevie?’

  ‘I didn’t see you. I dived for the Frisbee and you came out of nowhere. I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’

  ‘I might have twisted my ankle.’ I winced as I tried to move again.

  ‘Gary! Help!’ he called.

  My stomach lurched. He was with Gary? But Gary had said there was no way he could leave early, the lying little… And if Gary was with Stevie, that surely meant… Stevie moved to the side and Gary loomed into view and… yes, there he was, right behind my husband. Rob. The homewrecker. The husband-stealer. Shit! Shit! Shit!

  ‘What are you doing here?’ Gary looked shocked to see me. And guilty as hell.

  I tried to scramble to my feet again, but he gently pushed me back down. ‘Let me check your ankle first.’

  Shuffling away from him, I winced with the pain. ‘I don’t want you touching me.’

  He knelt down in the sand. ‘Don’t be childish. You could have broken it and I have to touch you to find out. Are you going to let me?’

  I scowled at him, as I nodded reluctantly. ‘I thought you had to work all day,’ I hissed as he gently moved my foot.

  ‘I did.’

  ‘Have you started seeing patients on the beach?’

  ‘I finished early.’

  ‘So I see. And you thought you’d have fun with your boyfriend on the beach instead of coming home to talk about our marriage as promised.’

  ‘Boyfriend?’ Stevie said. ‘What do you mean?’

  I looked up at him. ‘You don’t know?’

  ‘Know what?’

  ‘Elise!’ Gary hissed. ‘Don’t.’

  Ignoring his plea, I shifted my gaze to Rob who was now standing sheepishly beside Stevie, drumming his fingers on the Frisbee. ‘So you haven’t told your best mate that I found you in the shower with my husband?’

  ‘What?’ Stevie twisted round. ‘Rob?’

  Rob cast his eyes down to the sand.

  ‘Shit! It’s true?’ Stevie looked back at me. ‘I… I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry, Elise.’

  ‘So am I. And, what’s even worse, is that I was expecting my husband to come home so we could talk about it but it appears that playing on the beach with his boyfriend was higher on his list of priorities.’ I didn’t recognise my own voice, dripping with sarcasm.

  ‘Elise!’ Gary hissed again. ‘This isn’t the time or place.’

  ‘Then when the hell is?’ I shouted, slapping my hands on the sand.

  Gary stared at me defiantly before burying his head about our issues once more and adopting GP-mode. ‘Your ankle isn’t broken, but we need to get you home, get some ice on it and get it strapped up.’ He stood up and reached out his hand to help me up.

  I ignored it and reached out my hand to Stevie instead. ‘I’m not going anywhere with you. Stevie, would you mind?’

  Stevie helped me up and put his arm round my waist as I leaned against him. ‘My car’s in the harbour car park,’ he said. ‘If I help you across the beach, do you want to sit on a bench while I go for it?’

  ‘That would be brilliant. Thank you.’ I reached into my bag and thrust my car keys and barrier token into Gary’s hands. ‘Bertie’s on the second floor of the multi-storey. You can pay the parking and br
ing him home. It’s the least you can do. I’ve got one condition, though. He can make his own way home. I’m not having him in my car.’

  Gary shook his head. ‘Elise! Don’t be so—’

  Rob touched his arm. ‘It’s fine. Leave it. I can get a bus.’

  I glared at Gary. ‘Don’t you dare call me childish again after you’ve been playing on the beach with your friends instead of being an adult and facing up to the consequences of what you’ve done. I’ll see you at home later.’

  Hopping across the sand, even with Stevie’s support, was arduous. We hadn’t even made it ten metres before he suggested a piggy-back. Clinging onto his back as he picked his way through the crowds in silence, I closed my eyes and tried to hold back the tears. How could he do it? How could he go to the beach and play games with Rob and Stevie as if nothing had happened? But, then again, he seemed to be pretty good at doing what the hell he liked, regardless of others. Just like my mother.

  8

  I couldn’t face going back to Abbey Drive, waiting for Gary to appear, thinking about what he was doing with Rob in the meantime. I’d stupidly assumed he’d have been keeping his distance from Rob while he worked out his feelings. What a mug! Stevie offered to drive me back to his and I gratefully accepted. As we headed towards Little Sandby, a pretty village about ten minutes north of Whitsborough Bay, I told him all that I knew about Rob and Gary. He listened in complete silence.

  ‘I’m shocked,’ he said when I’d finished. ‘I had no idea. You must be going through hell right now.’

  ‘You could say that.’ I chewed my lip. ‘Can you fill in a gap for me? Is Rob gay?’

  ‘He’s bisexual.’

  ‘Am I right in thinking he had a girlfriend in Bristol?’

  ‘Yes. Sandy. She was his first long-term relationship with a female and they were talking about marriage.’

  ‘Pretty serious, then. What happened?’

  ‘He didn’t tell her about his sexuality. Bristol’s big, but it’s not that big and, about a year ago, they were at a party with all of Sandy’s work colleagues. One of them was gay and had brought along his new boyfriend who happened to be one of Rob’s exes. The lad was pretty drunk and still bitter about the way Rob had ended things with him so he decided to have a go at Rob – very loudly – about being the worst boyfriend he’d ever had. Sandy heard everything.’

  ‘Ouch. So she dumped him?’

  ‘Not immediately. She was angry and confused, but she loved Rob. She wasn’t exactly… shall we say comfortable… with the idea of him being with other men, but what hurt her most was that he’d hidden something so important from her – something that defined him as a person. Ultimately it was the breakdown in trust that ended it.’

  ‘That’s when he moved back up here?’

  Stevie nodded. ‘He was a wreck as he knew it was his fault. He really did love Sandy and would have been committed to their relationship if they’d got married.’

  I gazed out of the window at the attractive stone-built cottages as we entered Little Sandby. ‘Poor Sandy. Years together and absolutely no idea that her man fancies other men. I know exactly how that feels. It’s like somebody’s ripped your heart out and jumped up and down on it.’

  ‘I’m so sorry for you. Rob may be my best mate, but I’m pretty mad with him right now. What he did… what they both did… was bang out of order.’

  ‘Tell me about it.’

  Stevie turned off the main road and drove up a leafy street with stone cottages either side. He pulled onto a gravel driveway, got out, and opened a low wooden gate in an immaculately trimmed hedge on the driver’s side before coming round to my side to help me out. It was a bit easier than it had been on the sand so I hopped after him round the car and through the gate.

  ‘Welcome to Bramble Cottage,’ he said.

  A large front garden with shrubs and bedding plants opened up in front of me and a stone pathway curved round towards a stunning old stone cottage with sash windows and climbing roses trained round the door and window frames. I turned to him. ‘Stevie, it’s gorgeous.’

  He grinned. ‘Thank you.’ He unlocked the door and I followed him into the hallway. A border collie came bounding towards us, claws tapping on the stone floor.

  ‘Hi Bonnie.’ Stevie reached out and fussed her. ‘Say hello to my friend, Elise.’

  Bonnie obediently sat back on her hind legs and stretched her paw out towards me.

  ‘Aw, that’s so adorable.’ I shook Bonnie’s paw. ‘Did you teach her that?’

  ‘Yes, but she only does if for people she instantly warms to so that’s a good sign. That means you’re welcome here any time.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Come through to the lounge and we’ll get you settled with some ice.’

  Stevie pushed open a thick oak door and I gasped again as I stepped inside the lounge. What a treat. The floorboards were stripped back and a large burgundy patterned rug added warmth to the room. The wooden floors were complimented by beams across the ceiling. Proper original beams, not fake DIY ones. A wood-burner stood in a stone fireplace and the uneven walls contained various little nooks and crannies to hold books, candles, and photo frames. A pair of dark brown leather two-seaters and a high-backed red tartan-covered chair snuggled round a coffee table. It was incredibly inviting.

  ‘It’s a beautiful room,’ I said. ‘Did you decorate it yourself?’

  He nodded. ‘An elderly couple had it before me for about fifty years so it needed some updating and TLC. It’s taken a while, but I’ve nearly got it how I want it. I’ve just got one more room upstairs to do. Can I make you a drink?’

  ‘A cup of tea would be lovely. Herbal if you have it.’

  ‘I might have some green tea.’ He pulled a face. ‘I bought it a while ago but hated it. I don’t think I chucked it, though.’

  I smiled. ‘It’s an acquired taste.’

  ‘One tea and a bag of ice coming up,’ he said.

  I gazed round the room, taking it all in. I loved it. I could hear Stevie clattering around in the kitchen and curiosity got the better of me. With a lounge that gorgeous, I couldn’t wait to see what the kitchen offered. I hopped into the hall and into the kitchen.

  Stevie shut the door of a huge American fridge-freezer and turned round with a bag of frozen peas in his hand. ‘What are you doing on your feet?’

  ‘Being nosy. Nice kitchen too.’ In contrast to the traditional lounge, it was modern and surprisingly huge. The wooden units were a mix of pale sage and cream. A cream Aga with a stone surround dominated one side of the kitchen, with a Belfast sink and the fridge-freezer forming the perfect triangle layout. The other end of the kitchen housed a dining area before jutting out into a glass-ceilinged snug.

  ‘Not the original kitchen as you can tell.’ Stevie filled the kettle. ‘I got permission to extend about five years ago. The original kitchen was tiny, but when I viewed it, I noticed that the neighbours had an extension so I knew I’d get permission with it being a semi. It seemed like the perfect family home.’

  ‘It is. What made you pick it when you don’t have a family?’ Stevie’s face fell and I wondered if I’d just been really tactless.

  ‘Funny you should say that.’ He lifted a couple of mugs off the draining board. ‘It was meant to be a family home for Maddy and me.’

  ‘Maddy?’

  ‘My ex-wife.’

  ‘You’ve been married?’

  He nodded. ‘I thought Sarah would have said. Let’s get your foot up and iced, make the tea, then I’ll tell you my tale of woe. Unless you’d rather talk about Gary…’

  ‘Gosh, no. I’ve done enough talking about that liar for now.’

  Stevie helped me over to the dining table and pulled another chair round so I could put my foot up on it. He returned a few moments later with tea, biscuits, and a towel.

  ‘So, tell me about Maddy,’ I said, helping myself to a dark chocolate digestive.

  ‘I was twenty. We’d only been
together for six months when she discovered she was pregnant. I was smitten so I asked her to marry me and couldn’t believe it when she said yes. Bramble Cottage was up for sale and we’d often talked about how cute it was and how it would make a great family home. I’d inherited some money so I secretly bought the cottage, planning to tell Maddy on our wedding night. We lost the baby at five months, a few weeks before the wedding.’

  My stomach sank. ‘Oh no! I’m so sorry.’

  ‘It was a pretty tough time.’

  ‘I can imagine. What happened? Did you postpone the wedding?’

  He dunked a custard cream in his tea and took a bite. ‘We should have. Deep down, I knew she didn’t want to go through with it, but I was too young and scared to have the conversation. I still loved her even though I suspected that she didn’t feel the same way about me. The wedding went ahead, but it felt more like a funeral than a wedding. As planned, I told her about the cottage, but she refused to move in. She said it was a family home and we didn’t have a family anymore. I tried to explore having another baby. Not immediately, of course. But she wouldn’t discuss it. She stayed with her parents and I moved in here.’

  He dunked his biscuit again and took another bite while I waited for the happy ending that clearly wasn’t coming.

  ‘We had no marriage. We barely had a relationship. We made it to seven months before she told me what I’d known as soon as we lost the baby: that she’d never really wanted me, just a child. God knows why she chose me as the sperm donor or why she’d said yes to marriage. She filed for divorce and emigrated to Australia. I never heard from her again and her parents moved out of the village a year later.’

  I shook my head. ‘That’s so awful. Why do people hurt others like that?’

  ‘Selfishness? Fear? Who knows? It took me years before I felt ready to date anyone else and, ever since, I’ve been really cautious. As soon as I think it might get serious, I back off. I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want to hurt them either. I’m not saying that’s how it will always be, but so far I’ve never met anyone for whom I’d be prepared to take that risk. It’s been short-term relationships ever since.’