Finding Hope at Lighthouse Cove

by Jessica Redland

  I avoided everyone else, though. I didn’t want sympathetic looks or clichés about time being a great healer or there being plenty more fish in the sea. I didn’t want a new fish; I wanted my old one. I wanted my life back the way it was meant to be: happily married to Gary, looking forward to starting a family, and basking in the excitement of being bridesmaid for my sister and my best friend.

  Sarah asked to meet up on several occasions but I fobbed her off with a myriad of excuses. It was a self-preservation thing because I didn’t have the strength in me to be excited about two weddings and, as Jess’s was soonest, I needed to inject the limited wedding excitement I could muster into hers. I had the luxury of time before Sarah’s so I could make it up to her later. It was also a friendship-preservation thing. What sort of friend would I be if I rained on her parade with my current negativity towards the sanctity of marriage? The occasional text or email was definitely the way to go until I felt more positive about things.

  Stevie texted me several times and invited me out for a drink. I felt bad for putting him off, but what if he told me news about Gary and Rob that I didn’t want to hear? It was hard enough psyching myself up to opening texts from him, just in case, without meeting him in person as well – even though I really needed one of his super-hugs.

  A couple of days after I moved in, Sarah managed to set up an appointment for me with the solicitor from Bay Trade, a business club she attended, including negotiation of a large discount in exchange for me giving some confidence coaching to his painfully shy ten-year-old son.

  Sitting in front of a stranger one evening and saying, ‘I want to divorce my husband,’ felt very surreal, but Richard was reassuring and guided me through every step of the process. Providing Gary didn’t dispute things, it should be fairly straightforward. Surely he wouldn’t dispute it. How could he?

  At school, I received some amazing news. Graham had secretly nominated me for ‘Exceptional Teacher of the Year’ for my work on the EGO programme and I was invited at very short notice to attend a black-tie dinner. To my surprise, I won the award for Yorkshire. Clutching the glass plaque as cameras flashed, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The EGO programme had been the catalyst that turned Gary’s attentions elsewhere, yet it had also brought a close to a sham marriage. Ultimately that had to be a good thing, hadn’t it? A marriage built on lies wasn’t a marriage at all.

  I must have gone through every sort of emotion during that first fortnight at Seashell Cottage. Some nights I drifted off to sleep feeling really positive about the future. Other nights, I sobbed myself to sleep instead. I missed Gary. I missed his friendship. I missed his presence. I missed our routines. I missed giggling with him over some of the hilarious mistakes some of my students made in their homework, and I missed hearing about the latest embarrassing medical complaint he’d encountered or the ridiculous ailments dreamt up by his hypochondriac patients. Most of all, I missed the possibilities that our future together had held. The longing for a baby grew stronger every day, perhaps because of the Gary-shaped gap in my life.

  On the Sunday of the final weekend in June, three weeks after Gary’s betrayal, I found myself drawn to my laptop to research my options. Insemination. Adoption. Fostering. What a minefield! I read several pages on insemination, shaking my head. Aside from the expense and the complications brought on by legislative changes, could I really start a life using a donation from a stranger? It felt wrong considering anyone other than Gary as the father of my children.

  I gazed down at the engagement, wedding, and eternity rings that I still wore. When Gary had placed each of them on my finger, I’d truly been happy and in love. I’d believed we were two who would become three, four, five… To me, those three bands symbolised our love and our intention to create new life. The love had gone – or at least it had on his part (if it had ever been there) – but I hadn’t been able to bring myself to remove the rings. Was it because I still saw Gary as the father of my children? I’d come to terms with him not being my husband… sort of… but until I came to terms with him not being the father to my children, I couldn’t think about other options. And I couldn’t remove the rings.

  I closed my laptop and went for another long walk, on my own this time, to try to clear my head. I have no idea whether I did it consciously or unconsciously, but I found myself outside the community centre where my former counsellor, Jem, ran a Sunday morning yoga class.

  ‘Elise! How wonderful to see you.’ Jem kissed me on one cheek then the other when he emerged from the building.

  I sat down on the bench again. ‘I’m sorry for turning up like this. I should have phoned and made a proper appointment.’

  He sat beside me and ran his fingers down his strawberry-blond goatee while he studied my face. ‘I’ve been thinking about you a lot this week. I had a feeling I’d see you soon.’ Jem had always made it clear that he wasn’t officially psychic, but he did possess some form of sixth sense. ‘It’s not about your mother this time, is it?’

  I sat on my hands and swayed back and forth a couple of times. ‘No. Gary and I have split up.’

  ‘He’s seeing someone else?’

  ‘Yes. A man.’

  ‘Oh.’ Jem stood up and reached for my hand to help me to my feet. ‘I have an hour. Do you want to come to the office to talk about it?’

  ‘Yes please. I’m not coping very well. I need your help.’

  On the Thursday night that week, a text arrived:

  ✉︎ From Gary

  Please can we meet at the house later tonight? I need to talk to you. It’s urgent

  I pushed aside my half-eaten bowl of risotto and sighed as I stared at the message. What did he want?

  ‘I take it that’s from Gary,’ Kay said.

  ‘How did you guess? He wants me to go to the house tonight. Says it’s urgent.’

  ‘Are you going to go?’

  I shrugged. ‘I suppose I should. I’ve managed to avoid anything face to face since I moved out, and I’ve always known we’d have to talk eventually.’

  ‘Could be a good chance to tell him you want a divorce,’ she suggested.

  I’d asked Richard to hold off sending Gary a letter, feeling that I should give the news in person. ‘You’re right. It all seems so final, though. Oh gosh, what if he wants to tell me that he’s going to start divorce proceedings?’ My stomach churned at the thought of another nail in the coffin if he divorced me rather than the other way round.

  ‘I don’t think he’d do that. He knows it’s your place to initiate things.’

  ‘Maybe he wants to discuss the house,’ I said. ‘Maybe he wants to put it on the market. It’s a family home. It’s far too big for just him. Unless he wants Rob to…’ I couldn’t bear the thought of Gary having his happily ever after with someone else in the house we chose, surrounded by our belongings. It was abundantly clear now that we hadn’t been heading for our own happily ever after, but that didn’t stop it hurting that he might be heading for his while I still struggled to get over our marriage being a lie.

  Kay put her fork down and smiled reassuringly. ‘I’m sure it’s not that, sweetheart. I don’t think Gary would move Rob in. Not yet. It’s too soon. He’ll know that. Although you do know it may happen one day, don’t you?’

  Picking up my fork again, I stabbed at a mushroom. ‘I know. It’s just not a reality with which I thought I’d be faced.’

  ‘I’m sure it will be about selling the house,’ Kay said. ‘What else could it be?’

  I parked Bertie on the drive next to the Lexus and slowly walked towards the front door. It felt weird being back home, knowing it wasn’t my home anymore.

  Gary must have been watching for me as the door flung open. ‘Li!’ He held out his arms to give me a hug, but I stepped backwards.

  ‘I’d prefer if you called me Elise from now on.’

  ‘Oh. Okay. I’m glad you came, Li… Elise. Come in. Ignore the mess.’

  My heart raced as I stopped into the h
all, an uncomfortable feeling in my gut, worried that I might see signs of Rob all over my former home. But there was nothing to suggest he’d moved in. Instead, I frowned at the unprecedented sight of several pairs of shoes and trainers discarded on the floor instead of neatly stacked on the shoe-rack. Gary must be really struggling if he’d veered from his neat-freak status. The thought gave me a little comfort and satisfaction, and then I felt guilty for being so mean.

  ‘Lounge or kitchen?’ he asked.

  ‘Kitchen.’

  ‘It’s a bit messy too. Sorry.’

  Talk about an understatement. There couldn’t have been any glasses, plates, or mugs left in the cupboards; they were all piled high on the worktops. Pans soaking in some dubious-coloured water filled the sink. Empty yogurt pots, spilled cereal, breadcrumbs and banana peels were strewn everywhere, and an obnoxious smell emanated from the direction of the overflowing bin.

  ‘It’s bad, isn’t it?’ he said. ‘Sorry.’

  I nodded. ‘Gary, I…’ I genuinely didn’t know what to say. I looked at his face and, although I longed to feel hate and anger still, my heart went out to him instead. He clearly hadn’t shaved for a couple of weeks. He often sported stubble, but this was a beard. The dark rings under his eyes, the hollow cheeks, and the haunted eyes reminded me of how I’d looked just before I moved into Kay’s.

  ‘I’m no good without you,’ he whispered.

  He reached out towards me, but I stepped back, unnerved by the intimacy.

  ‘Look at me, Li.’

  ‘It’s Elise. You really should load the dishwasher after each meal, you know. It takes seconds, but if you pile stuff up like this, it becomes a mammoth task. And there’s a funny smell coming fro—’

  ‘Li! Stop!’

  My heart raced as I turned round slowly and raised my gaze to meet his. ‘It’s Elise!’ I cried.

  ‘Sorry. I’ll try to…’ He shook his head. ‘I miss you. I’m lost without you.’ His dark eyes, so full of pain, filled with tears and the next moment he was sobbing. I’d only seen Gary cry twice before: when his dad died and when he received a card from his brother, congratulating him on becoming a qualified GP and enclosing a photograph of the four-year-old nephew and two-year-old niece he hadn’t known existed.

  My hands twitched. I didn’t want to touch him, but every instinct in me screamed out to comfort him. I couldn’t just stand helplessly by the fridge and let him cry. ‘Come here. It’ll be all right.’

  As I held Gary tightly, I willed myself not to start crying too. He’d said he was lost without me. What did that mean? Surely there was no going back. No matter how much it hurt both of us, we were better off apart. We had to be. Living a lie wasn’t healthy for either of us.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispered into my hair, still clinging onto me.

  ‘It’s okay. We’ll get through this.’ I didn’t want him to hold me anymore. It didn’t feel right. I steered him towards one of the chairs. Thankfully, he didn’t resist. ‘You said you needed to talk and it was urgent,’ I prompted.

  Gary sat back against his chair and wiped his eyes, then he turned to look at me. ‘You look really well.’

  I shrugged. ‘Thank you. And…?’

  ‘I like your hair like that.’

  I self-consciously reached up to my hair, which I’d let Kay straighten for me for the first time ever when I’d got in from school. I hoped he didn’t think I’d done it for his benefit. ‘Thank you again, but I wasn’t fishing for another compliment. Why am I here?’ I sat down, waiting for his answer.

  He stared at me as he twiddled with his earlobe and I held my breath while the kitchen clock ticked, the fridge-freezer hummed, and my heart hammered. What was he building up to? It was going to be about Rob moving in, wasn’t it? I tried to mentally prepare myself not to flinch, cry, or scream.

  ‘I’m struggling. Will you move back in?’ He reached for my hand, but I pulled it away.

  ‘I’ll give you anything you want,’ he said. ‘We can even have a baby if that’s what you really want. We can act like a normal family.’

  Oh my goodness! He’d just offered me the one thing I desperately wanted. At my session with Jem on Sunday, I’d admitted I still wanted Gary’s baby and he’d challenged me on why I needed a man – particularly Gary – to fulfil my dreams of motherhood. He’d really pushed until I’d broken down in tears and cried, ‘Because one parent isn’t enough. You need two for when one of them can’t cope with life anymore and finds the answer at the bottom of a bottle of gin.’ ‘You’re not like your mother,’ Jem had assured me. ‘You’ll never be like her.’

  I stared at Gary as my body stiffened and my nails dug into my palms. Jem had insisted that a baby with Gary wasn’t the way forward and I hadn’t wanted to hear it, but, now that the offer was on the table, I realised he’d been right. He was always right. Gary was gay and, although he might be struggling right now, he’d get through it and what would happen to me if I agreed to have a baby with him? I’d be pregnant and he’d be with Rob, or someone else and I’d be even more messed up than I was right now because of it.

  ‘Are you still seeing Rob?’ I asked.

  With his eyes down, he nodded. ‘He thinks I’m still in love with you. We’ve had a huge argument about it.’

  ‘And are you?’

  ‘No… yes… I don’t know.’

  I swallowed hard on the lump in my throat. ‘You don’t love me, Gary. I’m not going to debate whether you ever did, but you definitely don’t love me now. Not in that way. You do love Rob, though, and I think you’ve panicked about what this means after years of lying to yourself and everyone you know. Getting back with me and having a baby would be like putting a sticking plaster on a broken leg: ineffective in solving or covering up the real problem.’ I reached for my bag and stood up. ‘I realise this is hard for you too. You’ve been fighting who you are for sixteen or seventeen years. I can’t imagine what that must feel like, but you’ve found the person with whom you want to be, the person with whom you can be you. Why not just accept that and stop fighting against who you really are? I know you’re worried about keeping up appearances and I’d be lying if I said there won’t be some gossip, but it will mainly be because people will be surprised rather than because they’re being malicious. If you’ve lived a lie and fought against who you are for more than half your life, you must be made of pretty strong stuff, so you can ride out whatever storm hits you when this all comes out.’

  ‘You really think so?’ Tears sprung in Gary’s eyes again.

  ‘I know so.’ I reached out and lightly touched his arm. ‘Let’s pretend this conversation never happened.’

  He nodded.

  ‘Don’t ever put a proposition like that to me again,’ I said sternly. ‘I may desperately want a baby, but if it happens, it’ll be with someone who loves me and who’ll be around as a father and as a husband. It won’t be to keep up appearances.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I’ve really screwed things up, haven’t I? Not just today.’

  I nodded. ‘Quite spectacularly as it happens. You’ll always hold a special place in my heart, so it hurts me to see you in this state. Look at the house. Look at yourself. Look at the crazy places your mind is taking you. You’re better than this. You said I look well, but don’t let a different hairstyle deceive you into thinking I’ve found it easy to walk away. I’m devastated that our marriage is over, but the last few weeks has given me the time and space to realise that the last couple of years together have been tough. Really tough. So, in some ways, I’m relieved it’s over. I’m equally devastated that we haven’t had the family that we planned to have, but I’m relieved about that too because it’s less complicated.’

  ‘I should never have let it go on so long, should I?’

  ‘Let’s not go there, shall we? What’s done is done.’

  ‘Sorry.’ He held out his hand. ‘Friends?’

  I stared at his hand but kept mine firmly by my side as I shook my head. �
�I’m sorry, but I can’t give you that. Not yet. Friends support each other through tough times and I can’t support you through this. It’s hard enough getting through it myself. To put it bluntly, you’ve lied to me, you’ve betrayed me, and you’ve taken away my hopes and plans for the future. Friends don’t do that.’

  ‘You hate me, then?’

  ‘Of course I don’t hate you, although I did when I found you together. I really hated you both at that moment, but I’ve got past that initial shock, and that’s not how I feel about you now. I’ll always love you, but I don’t like you very much at the moment. You have to know somebody to like them and I don’t know you anymore. I’d like to think that one day we can re-build some sort of friendship, but for now I need time and space. I asked you once before to stop texting me and you ignored it. I mean it this time. I really need you to stop getting in touch. I need you to let me fully get over us and build a new life for myself. Once I’ve done that, we can consider whether friendship might be back on the cards. Okay?’

  ‘Okay.’ He put his hands in his pockets and looked down at the floor. It hurt to see him so down, but it also felt so good to be finally standing up to him. My mother was wrong. I wasn’t that much a pushover. Well, not anymore, I wasn’t. It would have been easy to say yes to his offer of moving back in and having a baby, but I was stronger than that now. Much stronger.

  I pushed my shoulders back and stood even taller. ‘I’m going now, but there’s two more things I have to say. Firstly, I don’t want to kick you when you’re down, but you probably won’t be surprised to know that I’ve seen a solicitor. I want a divorce and I need you to do whatever’s necessary to make it a speedy one. I think you owe me that, don’t you? Will you promise to co-operate?’

  Gary nodded. ‘I never thought I’d be divorcing you.’

  ‘You’re not,’ I snapped. ‘I’m divorcing you.’ I sighed then added in a gentler tone, ‘Sorry, but you asked for that. Will you co-operate with the speedy divorce?’