“Oh yeah? Well, who has been the one helping you fight your demons for the past three years and who came over to help you get settled into your mom’s house?” She reared her head back as though she had just thought of something. “Who has helped you to do pretty much everything you have needed to do since moving out?”
“You,” I answered truthfully. “But…”
“There’s no buts about it!” she bellowed before she softened her voice and stared at me with conviction. “If you care about me, then I want you to forget about them.”
“What?” I demanded, now feeling extremely angry. “No! They’re my family…Valerie was my best friend.”
However, my outburst did not seem to soften her resolve. “She was your best friend,” Dalilah responded with a thoughtful nod, “and it’s hard to let go, but I think that her actions speak for themselves.”
“She tried to talk to me, Dalilah! She didn’t abandon me.”
“Yes, but after only one bad conversation, she dropped you and you haven’t heard from her after that,” she responded, now glaring at me as though angry that I wasn’t able to see it from her point of view. Her voice lowered. “This is exactly how master manipulators do it. They make you feel like you are special, sometimes for years and then they kick the chair out from underneath you, just when you need their support the most, only to have you crawling back to them, just so they could do it to you again.”
I thought about saying something to the contrary, since I was getting angry at the accusations she was making against my family; but then, I saw a tear fall from her eye and my heart melted. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry…” she said, roughly swiping the tear away. “I just went through the same thing with my mother and sister…I just don’t want to have to watch you do the same thing. I dealt with their abuse for years, until I realized I had enough and moved in with my dad.”
Now, I couldn’t help but feel bad for her, So, instead of being angry, I placed my arms around her and brought her closer to me. “I’m sorry…” I answered, now feeling terrible.
“It wasn’t until I started living with my father that I truly understood the extent of what they were doing. I saw the same thing happen to you with your family and so…that’s why I pressed you to move out. I thought it would be good to get away from everyone and hopefully, see what I see…” She sniffled, now actively crying. “I’m just trying to help you.”
“I’m sorry…” I said again and kissed her lips gingerly. “I know you are only trying to help.” She nodded as I added, “I shouldn’t have said anything…Can we just forget about it.”
“Okay,” she said carefully, before she eased her head onto my shoulder and began to settle down.
As we went back to watching television though, I couldn’t help but think about what she had said and wonder about it in relation to my own life.
Was that all true? I thought, knowing next to nothing about her family. Is that what is happening with me?
I had thought that trying to talk this out with Dalilah would make me feel better, or perhaps give me some clarity; but in reality, it just made everything far more confusing.
I had no idea where to go from here and I found myself wishing, of all people, that I could talk to Valerie. However, I quickly put the thought out of my head and went on to think about other things.
Chapter Eleven
Valerie
The rest of the week went by fairly fast. Everything seemed to be going well. Even though the week had started out rough, thanks to Zachary and his thoughtful flowers, I was feeling much better.
Even though I did have to see Shawn at school, I was happy to ignore him, as he seemed just as happy to do the same. At lunch, I just sat outside, away from everyone, so that neither of us ended up feeling uncomfortable.
It was true, I didn’t want to deal with Shawn after our terrible ordeal the other day any more than he made it abundantly clear that he didn’t want to deal with me.
Seeing Shawn, passing by in the hallway or out of the corner of my eye at lunch, did still hurt. After what had happened between us and all of the history that he was no longer interested in prolonging, the thought of him made me incredibly sad.
Part of me wanted to figure out a way to make it all right, but part of me just wanted to put our relationship behind me and move forward. It wasn’t like I didn’t have my own friends and my own life. I certainly didn’t need Shawn, but that didn’t stop me from missing him.
The weekend that we had just spent together had put a lot in perspective and it had made me realize just how much I missed sharing such an open and honest relationship with him. Therefore, his flat out rejection, after I truly felt that he might have come to the same conclusion, was disheartening.
However, even though ignoring him did not ease the longing that I felt for things to go back the way they used to be for us, it did discourage any further hurt.
I almost couldn’t believe how much his words had wounded me. In truth, I had expected a completely different outcome from what I received and so, I was disappointed, in addition to having to deal with Shawn’s blatant disregard for my feelings.
Yet, by ignoring the situation it helped me to try and move past it, at least as much as I possibly could.
I spent even more time than normal with Zachary for the next week, which he was happy about. Of course, I enjoyed spending time with him, but my ulterior motive was something a little more innate and while it made me feel slightly guilty, it helped direct my anger over the situation that was playing out before me.
When I came home one night, though, my mother was waiting for me.
“Hi, Mom,” I said as I moved into the kitchen.
“Hi, Valerie,” she answered, keeping in step behind me, almost as though something was wrong.
Feeling the strange sensation immediately enter the conversation, I turned around and stared at her with concern. “Is everything okay?” As I did so, I glanced at the clock, just to make sure that I wasn’t late for curfew or anything, but could find no reason why she would be upset with me.
She nodded. “Everything is fine. I just haven’t seen you in a while.” She put her hands up instantly and added, “Which is fine. You haven’t done anything wrong, but I just wanted to make sure I caught you, because I’m worried.” Her brow wrinkled as she said this and I squinted my eyes at her, still slightly confused.
“I’m fine, Mom.” I couldn’t help but chuckle a little. “Why do you ask?”
“Well,” she paused and shrugged before she said, “Because of the conversation that we had…you know, about Shawn and Zachary…”
Sensing a serious conversation coming on, I sat at the island in the kitchen and my mother sat across from me. I smiled reassuringly. “Well, you know, things are good, mom… actually. I patched things up with Zachary…it was a stupid fight, really and I don’t know what is going on with Shawn, but he and I are not on speaking terms at the moment.”
My mom seemed disappointed at that and even though she didn’t say anything, her expression showed it easily. “Do you see him in school? I thought you two had lunch together.”
“We always have lunch together,” I answered her, sighing with a heavy heart. I had tried all week to get away from talking about this and now that I was backed into a corner, I was a little angry about it. This was probably one of the last conversations I wanted to have right now. It was late and I was tired. However, the look on my mother’s face told me that I should probably do my best to assure her.
She had always not only loved Shawn, but worried about him as though he was her own. Since his mother was basically useless, my mother had always stepped in to give him that little extra guide and care; but in doing that, she had grown protective over him. I could understand her wanting to know if he was all right, but this was just not the week to be asking it of me.
“Well, don’t you talk then?”
“Honestly, I think you are on better terms with Shawn ri
ght now than I am.” I shrugged. “Besides, you’re the one who told me to give him some space…” At the memory, I narrowed my eyes, as though demanding an explanation.
My mother’s shoulders scrunched up and she cringed slightly. “I know…I know and I still think that is what he needs, but I miss him.” Her eyes grew wide as she added, “I miss the friendship that you and him had.” She laughed slightly. “Even though you guys did your share of stupid stuff together, I never worried about you two when you were together. The only time I ever really worried is when you were off with strange children.”
“What about when I am with Zachary?” I asked as I thought, you know, Mom, the wonder boy, but I didn’t dare say that. I knew that it would only make her feel bad and that was the last thing I was trying to do.
She nodded earnestly. “Yes, I worry about you when you are with Zachary. I like him a lot, but he isn’t…” she stopped and amended, “even though he might be, a long time from now, he isn’t family and Shawn is.”
I felt my face scrunch up with confusion. “Okay, well…chances are that I am going to marry someone who isn’t family and then you are going to have to trust me with them…”
She rolled her eyes and sighed loudly. “I know that and I feel comfortable with Zachary, but you’re missing my point.” She reached across the table and grasped my hand before she brought it back to herself. “When you and Shawn were friends, you were inseparable. It was great! I never had to worry about you and I never had to try to reason where you would be at any given time, because I knew that if you two didn’t hear from one another in a specific amount of time, that you would be worried and he would be worried. But now that you two are avoiding one another, I’m worried about where you are and where he is constantly.” She pushed my hand back across the counter towards me. “Even though Paul and I are fine, I feel like with you two at odds, that my family is falling apart and I miss the way it used to be.”
I missed the way everything was before too, but I had already tried to fix our friendship. I had already tried to get him to come back into our life, instead of listening to his stupid girlfriend, who just wanted him to stay at his mother’s house so that there was no one there to keep tabs on him. But that had completely blown up in my face, so I really didn’t know what else I could do. I didn’t want to be so callous over the whole thing, but I didn’t want to get hurt any more than I already was either, so I was content to stay out of it.
At least until I felt I needed to get back into it in order to help my stepbrother. I could tell he was on the path to some kind of reaction, but I wasn’t sure what or when that would be; so I just had to sit back and do what I could from the sidelines
So I smiled and assured my mom. “Well, I am fine and from what I can tell from seeing Shawn at school, he is fine.” I shrugged before I started my explanation. “But, I am getting over our fight and whatever happens next will happen. People drift apart.” I couldn’t help sighing heavily, before I continued in a genuinely saddened voice. “Even though we had said we would be friends forever…that was never a guarantee and I regret that, but I am pretty sure that Shawn just wants to do his own thing.”
“Is he with that…girl?” she asked with disdain.
I shrugged. “Probably. She’s crazy, so if they broke up I would have heard about it.” I smiled.
“Don’t I know it,” my mother answered angrily. I knew that she really couldn’t stand Dalilah and it worried her that he was now probably completely unsupervised, doing whatever she wanted to do, because Dalilah knew how to play Shawn for a fool and get him to do pretty much whatever she wanted. It worried me too, but since he didn’t want to have anything to do with me, I couldn’t very well do much about that at the moment.
“Well, if you’re that worried about him, call him…” I said with a shrug, trying to be nonchalant about the whole thing.
“I know…I should, but…like I told you, I don’t want to seem like I am overprotective. He is a grown man, after all,” She smiled in a slightly sad way and I was pretty certain I knew where that was coming from. My mother was sentimental over us both and the idea that he was old enough to be out there in the world, all by himself, scared her; especially when he had a girlfriend like Dalilah.
“I know, Mom,” I answered, squeezing her hand affectionately. “I feel the same way.”
Chapter Twelve
Shawn
Apparently, there were a lot of women who really wanted to see this movie and quite a bit of men who were suckered into watching it with their girlfriends, because the theater was completely packed.
Dalilah was as demanding as usual, but I didn’t mind. At least I was there with someone I liked, and someone I could be myself around, without having to worry about offending her.
After a long, aggravating week, I was really happy to have the opportunity to just relax and enjoy having a night out with my girlfriend. This way, we didn’t have to worry about anything. I could just be myself.
I did think it was strange that I hadn’t heard from Valerie’s mother though. Usually, she liked to keep an eye on me.
Still, I supposed that was just because Valerie told her that I didn’t want anything to do with her. Even though I had gotten angry at Dalilah for suggesting it, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.
Maybe they really don’t want anything to do with me. Maybe I finally reached the limit of what they were willing to take from me, I had thought cynically on more than one occasion during the course of the week. Each time, I would roll my eyes and shake my head, thinking that they were no better than my mother. While she might have been more direct and had a much lower threshold for not caring about me, Valerie and her family, my father included, if not especially, also had their own threshold. My honesty with Valerie the other day must have crossed it.
Whatever, I thought as I put my arm around Dalilah and hugged her close to me while we entered the movie theater. I guess that doesn’t matter much. I have the only person in the world that I need right here.
I kissed the side of her head affectionately as I had the thought, deciding if I continued to have this thought, that maybe one day I would truly believe it.
I was infatuated with Dalilah. I would be the first one to admit it and the more she talked, convincing me, not just to move out, but the truth of the situation, that I was now a burden on my father and his new family started to make a lot of sense. It hurt to realize the truth, but I would rather realize it and deal with it now, before it manifested in other areas of my life.
After all, I was still going to school. I was still trying to do my homework and I was still having a good time in my social life. I felt fairly complete and figured that the hole that the loss of my father and Valerie’s family made in my heart would eventually heal. It had to, right?
“I want popcorn, but make sure they do not put butter on it…and a couple different candies…and a soda…but if they don’t have Sprite, were leaving and going to another theater,” Dalilah was saying as I was caught in a reflection. I tuned back in, just long enough to hear the thing about the Sprite.
I smiled, wishing that I had a girlfriend that was only joking. She loved Sprite and one time they were out and she made me go to another theater, call ahead to make sure they had the soda of her choice and then buy new tickets, just so that we could go see the movie. She insisted that would have ruined her night, had she had to settle for any other beverage.
She might be high maintenance, but she’s mine! I thought, trying to be cheerful. “I know, sweetie…” I answered, “I am sure they are not going to run out.”
Apparently, the sweetie comment was just a little too lovey-dovey for her, because she cringed and began to pull out of my grasp.
“What’s wrong?” I said as I let her go.
“Oh God…You’re smothering me! You’re going to ruin my hair.”
I tried not to roll my eyes as I pulled my arm back. “Sorry.”
I moved up in line next
to someone to stand there for the popcorn and everything else she wanted, when I realized that I saw a familiar face in the crowd. I felt my heart begin to pound and my mouth went dry. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to be angry, or pretend nothing happened. Immediately, our eyes began to lock, as though she had planned this all along. However, before Valerie could secure a look on me, I quickly turned around.
“What is it?” Dalilah demanded.
“Nothing…I’m just looking at the new movie posters,” I said, slightly fearful of what would happen if I told her the truth. Dalilah had adopted my anger at Valerie and her family, so I wasn’t completely sure she would not take it upon herself to go over and say something, which would likely ruin everyone’s night but her own.
Still, as I sat there, trying my best not to turn back around, trying my best not to make even the first glimpse of eye contact with her, I had a silent wish that it didn’t have to be this way. Of course, I would have never told that to Dalilah and was barely admitting it to myself, but I slightly regretted what I had done last week.
Seeing her made me realize that if I was right and I really had broken the threshold of their care and affection toward me, I should have never pushed it that far. My mother had never cared about me. They had done plenty for me and all I had done was hurt them; hurt Valerie for sure.
Even though I realized this and had these feelings though, I still wasn’t sure that I wanted to go through the hurt of blatant rejection. Perhaps that was weak, considering that was exactly what I had done to Valerie, but I knew, between my mother and my father, their simple ways of pushing me away in the worst possible methods, I could not take another shove into being alone.
Therefore, I should keep the distance at my own terms. I should be happy that they are leaving me alone, I thought to myself with a stern nod. Not having to continuously push them away is far better for both of us. They got the hint, which means that I will never have to do it again.
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