Vow of Silence

by Roxy Harte

  “I understand.” Phillip stands. “I need to get back upstairs anyway. Think about what I said.”

  “To stay away?”

  “I know you won’t. I was referring to reopening your practice.”

  Unlikely. “We’ll talk more.”

  I connect the call but am too late. I missed it. I redial Lin, saying when she answers, “Sorry, I didn’t get the phone out of my pocket fast enough. What’s up?”

  “Nothing. I just got home from the museum. I had to make sure they had all of my pieces displayed properly.”

  “I forgot you were going there today.”

  “As long as you don’t forget the dinner tomorrow night. I’m very nervous.”

  “You have nothing to worry about.”

  “Will I see you tonight?” she asks softly.

  “I need to be at the club tonight.”

  “I could visit you there.”

  “That isn’t a good idea.”

  “Are you ashamed of me?”

  “Ashamed of you? God no. Why would you think that?”

  “Because I am so vanilla. I don’t fit into your world.”

  I let out a heavy sigh and leave the table. That wasn’t what I was thinking, not at all. I just know how nervous and uptight the kink makes her. I want to protect her from the lasciviousness. Stepping outside I say softly, “I like you the way you are, Lin.”

  The sun is warm on my back as I stand on a balconied outdoor dining room that overlooks a wide lawn and is surrounded by trees. It is past the lunch rush and still hours before dinner and so I am alone. “I wasn’t comfortable when I took you to the club. I made you orgasm, but you didn’t enjoy the scene.”

  “I can learn to be kinky.”

  My mind goes to Gigi lying upstairs in a hospital bed. I think about her, the way she is, a true masochist so needy of pain that she goes to any length to gain it. I think about the clients I see, most who come to me in secret for a “fix” because they can’t admit their sexual preferences elsewhere.

  “I don’t want to force my lifestyle on you.”

  “You aren’t forcing. I’m curious.”

  I close my eyes against the bright sky and peaceful view that reminds me of a fairway. I used to golf. I loved autumn especially.

  I am nocturnal now.

  Lewd Larry’s and my lifestyle changed everything about me. It suddenly dawns on me that Lin reminds me of who I used to be. I miss that guy. I miss my old life.

  “Maybe I can skip the club tonight.” I used to sail. “We could go down to the marina, charter a boat and take a sunset cruise around the bay.”

  “I would like that very much, George.”

  I would too.

  * * * * *

  When I pick up Lin hours later, I am tempted to cancel our plans. She is so cute, so vibrant, so sexy, I want to keep her all to myself. But she is also very excited about sailing. As we drive, she chatters excitedly. “I am so happy we can go out tonight. Have I told you that I love to sail?”

  “You haven’t.”

  “Oh yes. When I was very young my mother and I lived with my aunt and uncle on their houseboat.”

  “Really?” The image comes to mind of her as a very young girl floating on a river in China. In my mind it starts raining and I see the young girl shiver. I think it must have been a difficult life.

  She nods enthusiastically. “It was the hardest thing about coming to America, learning to sleep on solid ground without the waves to put me to sleep.”

  I force myself to refocus on the beautiful woman next to me. “There’s so much I don’t know about you. That must have been a very special childhood.”

  “I think it was much different than yours.”

  I’d have to agree.

  “I imagine you in private school blazers with every luxury.”

  “But wasn’t that your life too, Lin? After you came to America to be with your father?”

  She looks away. “I never fit into that life. How could I…when I couldn’t forget that in China we were very poor, scraping by on what we could from the sea… When my every thought was for the ones I’d left behind? I felt guilty over every meal that filled my belly. I felt guilty having a jacket that kept out the cold.”

  I see her as she is now, wearing an expensive designer label, manicured, polished. “When did leaving the others stop hurting?”

  “When I brought my grandmother here. When I could provide for her every luxury.”

  “And your aunt and uncle? Your cousins?”

  “They refused to leave China. I cannot help those who refuse to have more.”

  “So your guilt was placated?”

  She shrugs and tells me another story about growing up in China. It soon becomes obvious how much she feels she lost by leaving her family and culture behind.

  Only when I park at the wharf do I admit, “Once upon a time I wanted to sail the world.”

  “The dreams of a child?” she asks.

  The dreams of a man. I don’t admit the truth aloud as I consider what happened to that dream. It just disappeared, like so many others, when I recreated myself out of the disaster my life became during the trial. Sadly, I admit only to myself that I am only a shadow of the man I once was.

  Our conversation comes to a natural end as I walk around the car to open her door. She takes my hand and steps out. She lifts her face to the breeze. “It smells good here.”

  A flock of pelicans fly overhead and we both watch their progress before walking to the dock. Soon we find our yacht for the evening.

  Boarding, she gasps. “Oh my. This is so beautiful.”

  We meet the captain, his deckhands and our chef as we are shown around the vessel. An hour before sunset, we set sail. Lin takes in the changing view, I take in Lin.

  I just can’t take my eyes off her.

  I want to love her and protect her. I don’t want to disappoint her. If it weren’t for my life, my lifestyle, I could imagine getting down on one knee and proposing to her. I can imagine her carrying my child.

  I want to spend the rest of my life with Lin. God, how do I make this work?

  A luscious meal is carried out to us and we begin to dine under a darkening sky. The sunset is beautiful.

  “You are so very quiet, George. Are you sorry you are not at the club?”

  “This is perfect. Being here with you is the only place I want to be right now.”

  “So you aren’t thinking about that woman?”

  Gigi? I haven’t thought about her since the moment I pulled up in front of Lin’s loft and she stepped outside.

  “No, I’m not.”

  “I try not to be jealous. I remember what you said about being polyamorous.”

  “I’m not going to sleep with Gigi.”

  She stops my hand from lifting another bite to my mouth. “You have an unresolved past and she is much on your mind.”

  “That is true, but it doesn’t mean I want to have sex with her.”

  “She’s a masochist.”

  “I don’t want to have sex with every masochist in San Francisco. Don’t do this, Lin. Don’t create a problem where none exists.”

  I don’t realize how harshly I’ve spoken until a tear slides down her cheek. The yacht passes under the Golden Gate Bridge and the sun disappears completely behind the horizon as a fiery red ball. Only the candle between us brightens our table. We should be romancing each other, not fighting. What in the hell happened when I wasn’t paying attention?

  “I want to be here. With you. Isn’t that enough?”

  “I’m leaving the country in three days, George. You must know how vulnerable and worried I am that you will be drawn more and more to her while I am away.”

  Honestly I’d forgotten about her four-city tour, or maybe I’ve refused to think about what that would mean to our relationship. I refuse to consider I may be anticipating her departure or that having her out of the country will allow me to pursue whatever will be with Gigi without guilt. I feel lik
e two separate men most days.

  The dynamic I share with Lin is a new one. I’m used to the lovers I take understanding that I am polyamorous—with Lin I feel I am sneaking around each time I visit Gigi in the hospital. She finds Gigi a threat even though I’ve assured her again and again.

  Reaching across the table, I stroke her cheek. “I am in love with you. Please don’t worry. Let’s enjoy this evening.”

  “I’m going to miss you. A month is a very long time.”

  “And I will miss you, but this is your moment in the spotlight, sweetheart.”

  “I wish you would come with me.”

  “Everything is in the midst of upheaval—with the changes in management, changes in staff, the redesign and remodeling—you must realize I can’t leave right now.” I tell myself that I am not skipping out on a four-country tour with Lin just to be near Gigi. I wish that Phillip hadn’t called me. If he hadn’t, would I be going with Lin?

  Around us the city lights sparkle and reflect off the water. It’s so beautiful.

  “You’ve been so distant all evening. I have to wonder what you have been thinking about.”

  I lean forward, making her meet my gaze. “I’ve been thinking about you and how strange it is that my life is turning upside down because I want to be with you.”

  Lin frowns and I see it as insecurity.

  “Because of you I want things I’d given up hope of ever having. My being quietly thoughtful isn’t a bad thing in this case. I’m not wishing I was somewhere else with anyone other than you. I’m only thinking about how you and I might have a life together.” God, why did I say that? I’m only going to end up breaking her heart.

  She’s already confessed the outcome she wants—marriage, children, me giving up my job for a more socially acceptable one. It becomes apparent I’ve allowed myself to hope…

  Phillip’s assurances have only fueled the flames.

  “Oh.” Her eyes widen. “I feel so foolish.”

  “No, not foolish, Lin. You wouldn’t be worried or jealous if you didn’t love me too.” I am the fool.

  The rest of our meal and tour are subdued. For a romantic evening, I’m failing miserably. I keep thinking about her offer to come to the club tonight and for the life of me I can’t fathom why I thought it was a bad idea. Isn’t the goal involving her more and more in the lifestyle? Desensitizing her to the absurd so it becomes normal?

  So why does thinking about Lin becoming a part of my kinky world make my head hurt?

  “I feel like I have been alone on this cruise. Where are you?” she asks as we prepare to disembark.

  I look over my shoulder at the captain and crew before leaning nearer to whisper, “We’ll talk in the car.”

  My answer only satisfies her for as long as it takes to walk down the dock and across the parking lot.

  “We’re alone now. You can talk freely.”

  I push her against the car and kiss her roughly, controlling the kiss with brute force. Expectedly, she struggles but I grab her hair and continue my onslaught. Her resistance only fuels my need.

  I’m a sadist, I can’t apologize for that. I won’t.

  I’ve enjoyed the softness between us, the gentleness, because it is so foreign to what my sex life has become, and making love to Lin is such a fragile thing. But what happens when I release my real needs?

  I held back at the club. I gave her pleasure. She needs to understand how I will react when she finally gives me her pain.

  “Ahhh!” she cries out, saying into my mouth, “You’re hurting me.”

  “Yes.” I jerk her into me so that she can feel the hardness of my cock as it presses into her thigh. I could take her here—the blood raging through my veins tells me it is so. Her struggle enflames me.

  As Doctor Psycho I get paid for such bad behavior.

  As part of society I would be imprisoned.

  I need to scare Lin. I need to wipe the fantasy out of her mind—out of my mind—that we can ever have more. I can’t be a husband. I can’t be a father.

  I jerk away, stopping myself before I go too far. I step away from her and turn to look at the water and harbored boats.

  “Tonight was a mistake. I miss my old life, and I’ve been lying to myself when I’m with you. There’s no way for me to get it back, and the sooner we face that truth the better off we will both be.” I keep my back to her knowing she can hear me. “We shouldn’t see each other again.”

  “You said you love me.”

  “I do love you.” My voice cracks as I spin toward her. “But I can’t have you. I can’t have the dream.”

  She takes a step toward me. “Because of a girl’s accusations a decade ago?”

  I take a step back.

  “Because you became the monster the media painted you?”

  Is that how she sees Doctor Psycho?

  I can’t bear to look at her, I can’t bear to see the hurt in her eyes, but I don’t have the strength to turn from her when she closes the gap between us and hugs me. Oh God.

  “I do not fear you. I don’t fear Doctor Psycho.”

  Stop, stop, stop.

  “I know how it feels to be made love to by you. It is like you are worshipping my flesh with your kisses, with your touch. You seem like a man left to die in the desert and I am the water that will save you.”

  “I’m a sadist.”

  “You keep saying that.”

  “You aren’t a masochist.”

  “I’m no longer so convinced of that, but that isn’t what you fear most. The more you are with me, the more you desire that which you once had.” She lifts her hand to stroke my jaw and I am surprised by the moisture I feel on my cheek. “I make you want normal back. Living on the fringe of society has had its place. You created a new life for yourself, but I’m not convinced it is the right life. You are afraid of what is happening between us because you are having to face that truth.”

  “I could have raped you just now. That’s who I am.”

  “Is it?”

  “Yes.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  We stand looking at each other a long moment.

  “Take me home, George. Make love to me. If you need it to be rough, I will struggle. I will fight you tooth and nail so that it does become rape if that is what you need from me tonight. But please do not say that we will not see each other again just so you can continue to hide from the world.”

  God, she pisses me off. Because she’s right—she sees right through me—I have used Lewd Larry’s to hide. But the club isn’t Garrett’s anymore, it’s mine, and I can’t use Bedlam as a hiding place. I have to be the guy in the spotlight, and that changes everything, whether I like it or not.

  “I need to show you something.” I pull her roughly back to the car, so roughly she stumbles in her heels. God, what is wrong with me? I am not this man! I am not an asshole. I open her door and push her inside. There is more fueling tonight’s emotion than my desire to be with Lin and my fears a relationship between us will never work. It took all of this to make me realize what has been bothering me.

  And I used to be a psychiatrist for a living.

  Unbelievable.

  I drive Lin across town and pull off the side of the road. I point through the passenger window at a lit billboard. “That is what I wanted to show you.”

  “Oh. Shit!”

  I’ve never heard Lin say a single curse word before, but I’m not surprised by her reaction.

  When I saw Doctor Psycho dressed in white surgical scrubs stretched ten feet in the sky I had much the same reaction. Jasper borrowed the likeness from a publicity shot taken a year ago that was never used. I wasn’t pleased with it then—I look a little too crazed and diabolical for comfort—and I’m no more at ease with it now.

  It’s a strong advertising statement about Bedlam.

  It’s a stronger statement about Doctor Psycho.

  “What have you done?”

  “The new advertising campaign launch
ed this morning.”

  “Yes, for the club, but that is—”

  “Me.”

  “People will see this billboard and think you really are insane. They will never take you seriously in the medical community again.”

  “I don’t expect to ever be taken seriously as a psychiatrist again.”

  She turns away from the sign and gives me a grievous look. “Why are you so intent on ruining everything?”

  “How am I at fault? I am Doctor Psycho. Nothing has changed.” Everything has changed.

  “Do you think we should have discussed what you were going to do before you went ahead with this marketing plan?”

  “I actually didn’t think the billboards would go up for another week.”

  “So after I leave the country?”

  “Yes.”

  “And I would have come home to the new you?”

  “Not the new me, the guy I’ve been for the last decade that you don’t want to know anything about.” I scrub my face with my hands. “Look. All I know is that I want you to be part of my life, and I need to know that you can be as comfortable with Doctor Psycho being in your life as well as George Kirkpatrick, because we’re kind of a package deal.”

  “You want me to have a relationship with your stage persona?”

  “Yes! No.” I tip her chin to face me, forcing her to meet my gaze. “I want you to understand that Doctor Psycho is more than just a stage persona. It’s who I am. I can pretend to be normal George Kirkpatrick when I’m with you, but the truth is, that guy is more fabricated than the man I am at work and in the weeks to come that will become even more true.”

  She blinks at me.

  “As we transition the club, my role is going to become center stage. I’m going to have to start accepting all the personal engagement offers that Garrett always took care of but I’ve been turning down. It’s inevitable that I am going to become more recognizable around town.” I shrug. “If you want the whole truth…I’m going to be more recognizable across the entire country as I start making appearances and doing Bondage and Fetish Cons. That might cause us a problem.”

  “Obviously.” She holds my gaze as a tear escapes and runs down her face. “Until just now, I was beginning to believe that dreams do come true. That love could conquer all.”