Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Delphi Classics)

by Ambrose Bierce

  “My public servants have been fools and rogues from the date of your accession to power,” replied the State; “my legislative bodies, both State and municipal, are bands of thieves; my taxes are insupportable; my courts are corrupt; my cities are a disgrace to civilisation; my corporations have their hands at the throats of every private interest — all my affairs are in disorder and criminal confusion.”

  “That is all very true,” said the Republican Form of Government, putting on its hobnail shoes; “but consider how I thrill you every Fourth of July.”

  The Life Saver

  An Ancient Maiden, standing on the edge of a wharf near a Modern Swain, was overheard rehearsing the words:

  “Noble preserver! The life that you have saved is yours!”

  Having repeated them several times with various intonations, she sprang into the water, where she was suffered to drown.

  “I am a noble preserver,” said the Modern Swain, thoughtfully moving away; “the life that I have saved is indeed mine.”

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  The Man and the Bird

  A Man with a Shotgun said to a Bird:

  “It is all nonsense, you know, about shooting being a cruel sport. I put my skill against your cunning-that is all there is of it. It is a fair game.”

  “True,” said the Bird, “but I don’t wish to play.”

  “Why not?” inquired the Man with a Shotgun.

  “The game,” the Bird replied, “is fair as you say; the chances are about even; but consider the stake. I am in it for you, but what is there in it for me?”

  Not being prepared with an answer to the question, the Man with a Shotgun sagaciously removed the propounder.

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  From the Minutes

  An Orator afflicted with atrophy of the organ of common-sense rose in his place in the halls of legislation and pointed with pride to his Unblotted Escutcheon. Seeing what it supposed to be the finger of scorn pointed at it, the Unblotted Escutcheon turned black with rage. Seeing the Unblotted Escutcheon turning black with what he supposed to be the record of his own misdeeds showing through the whitewash, the Orator fell dead of mortification. Seeing the Orator fall dead of what they supposed to be atrophy of the organ of common-sense, his colleagues resolved that whenever they should adjourn because they were tired, it should be out of respect to the memory of him who had so frequently made them so.

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  Three of a Kind

  A Lawyer in whom an instinct of justice had survived the wreck of his ignorance of law was retained for the defence of a burglar whom the police had taken after a desperate struggle with someone not in custody. In consultation with his client the Lawyer asked, “Have you accomplices?”

  “Yes, sir,” replied the Burglar. “I have two, but neither has been taken. I hired one to defend me against capture, you to defend me against conviction.”

  This answer deeply impressed the Lawyer, and having ascertained that the Burglar had accumulated no money in his profession he threw up the case.

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  The Fabulist and the Animals

  A Wise and illustrious Writer of Fables was visiting a travelling menagerie with a view to collecting literary materials. As he was passing near the Elephant, that animal said:

  “How sad that so justly famous a satirist should mar his work by ridicule of people with long noses — who are the salt of the earth!”

  The Kangaroo said:

  “I do so enjoy that great man’s censure of the ridiculous — particularly his attacks on the Proboscidae; but, alas! he has no reverence for the Marsupials, and laughs at our way of carrying our young in a pouch.”

  The Camel said:

  “If he would only respect the sacred Hump, he would be faultless. As it is, I cannot permit his fables to be read in the presence of my family.”

  The Ostrich, seeing his approach, thrust her head in the straw, saying:

  “If I do not conceal myself, he may be reminded to write something disagreeable about my lack of a crest or my appetite for scrap-iron; and although he is inexpressibly brilliant when he devotes himself to censure of folly and greed, his dulness is matchless when he transcends the limits of legitimate comment.”

  “That,” said the Buzzard to his mate, “is the distinguished author of that glorious fable, ‘The Ostrich and the Keg of Raw Nails.’ I regret to add, that he wrote, also, ‘The Buzzard’s Feast,’ in which a carrion diet is contumeliously disparaged. A carrion diet is the foundation of sound health. If nothing else but corpses were eaten, death would be unknown.”

  Seeing an attendant approaching, the wise and illustrious Writer of Fables passed out of the tent and mingled with the crowd. It was afterward discovered that he had crept in under the canvas without paying.

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  A Revivalist Revived

  A Revivalist who had fallen dead in the pulpit from too violent religious exercise was astonished to wake up in Hades. He promptly sent for the Adversary of Souls and demanded his freedom, explaining that he was entirely orthodox, and had always led a pious and holy life.

  “That is all very true,” said the Adversary, “but you taught by example that a verb should not agree with its subject in person and number, whereas the Good Book says that contention is worse than a dinner of herbs. You also tried to release the objective case from its thraldom to the preposition, and it is written that servants should obey their masters. You stay right here.”

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  The Debaters

  A Hurled–Back Allegation, which, after a brief rest, had again started forth upon its mission of mischief, met an Ink-stand in mid-air.

  “How did the Honourable Member whom you represent know that I was coming again?” inquired the Hurled-back Allegation.

  “He did not,” the Inkstand replied; “he isn’t at all forehanded at repartee.”

  “Why, then, do you come, things being even when he had hurled me back?”

  “He wanted to be a little ahead.”

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  Two of the Pious

  A Christian and a Heathen in His Blindness were disputing, when the Christian, with that charming consideration which serves to distinguish the truly pious from the wolves that perish, exclaimed:

  “If I could have my way, I’d blow up all your gods with dynamite.”

  “And if I could have mine,” retorted the Heathen in His Blindness, bitterly malevolent but oleaginuously suave, “I’d fan all yours out of the universe.”

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  The Desperate Object

  A Dishonest Gain was driving in its luxurious carriage through its private park, when it saw something which frantically and repeatedly ran against a stone wall, endeavouring to butt out its brains.

  “Hold! Hold! thou desperate Object,” cried the Dishonest Gain; “these beautiful private grounds are no place for such work as thine.”

  “True,” said the Object, pausing; “I have other and better grounds for it.”

  “Then thou art a happy man,” said the Dishonest Gain, “and thy bleeding head is but mere dissembling. Who art thou, great actor?”

  “I am known,” said the Object, dashing itself again at the wall, “as the Consciousness of Duty Well Performed.”

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  The Appropriate Memorial

  A High Public Functionary having died, the citizens of his town held a meeting to consider how to honour his memory, and an Other High Public Functionary rose and addressed the meeting.

  “Mr. Chairman and Gintlemen,” said the Other, “it sames to me, and I’m hopin’ yez wull approve the suggistion, that an appropriet way to honour the mimory of the decaised would be to erect an emolument sootably inscribed wid his var
tues.”

  The soul of the great man looked down from Heaven and wept.

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  A Needless Labour

  After waiting many a weary day to revenge himself upon a Lion for some unconsidered manifestation of contempt, a Skunk finally saw him coming, and posting himself in the path ahead uttered the inaudible discord of his race. Observing that the Lion gave no attention to the matter, the Skunk, keeping carefully out of reach, said:

  “Sir, I beg leave to point out that I have set on foot an implacable odour.”

  “My dear fellow,” the Lion replied, “you have taken a needless trouble; I already knew that you were a Skunk.”

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  A Flourishing Industry

  “Are the industries of this country in a flourishing condition?” asked a Traveller from a Foreign Land of the first man he met in America.

  “Splendid!” said the Man. “I have more orders than I can fill.”

  “What is your business?” the Traveller from a Foreign Land inquired.

  The Man replied, “I make boxing-gloves for the tongues of pugilists.”

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  The Self–Made Monkey

  A Man of humble birth and no breading, who held a high political office, was passing through a forest, when he met a Monkey.

  “I take it you are one of my constituents,” the Man said.

  “No,” replied the Monkey; “but I will support you if you can urge a valid claim to my approval.”

  “I am a self-made man,” said the other, proudly.

  “That is nothing,” the Monkey said. And going to a bigger pine, he rose by his own unaided exertions to the top branch, where he sat, all bedaubed with the pitch which that vegetable exudes. “Now,” he added, “I am a self-made Monkey.”

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  The Patriot and the Banker

  A Patriot who had taken office poor and retired rich was introduced at a bank where he desired to open an account.

  “With pleasure,” said the Honest Banker; “we shall be glad to do business with you; but first you must make yourself an honest man by restoring what you stole from the Government.”

  “Good heavens!” cried the Patriot; “if I do that, I shall have nothing to deposit with you.”

  “I don’t see that,” the Honest Banker replied. “We are not the whole American people.”

  “Ah, I understand,” said the Patriot, musing. “At what sum do you estimate this bank’s proportion of the country’s loss by me?”

  “About a dollar,” answered the Honest Banker.

  And with a proud consciousness of serving his country wisely and well he charged that sum to the account.

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  The Mourning Brothers

  Observing that he was about to die, an Old Man called his two Sons to his bedside and expounded the situation.

  “My children,” said he, “you have not shown me many marks of respect during my life, but you will attest your sorrow for my death. To him who the longer wears a weed upon his hat in memory of me shall go my entire fortune. I have made a will to that effect.”

  So when the Old Man was dead each of the youths put a weed upon his hat and wore it until he was himself old, when, seeing that neither would give in, they agreed that the younger should leave off his weeds and the elder give him half of the estate. But when the elder applied for the property he found that there had been an Executor!

  Thus were hypocrisy and obstinacy fitly punished.

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  The Disinterested Arbiter

  Two Dogs who had been fighting for a bone, without advantage to either, referred their dispute to a Sheep. The Sheep patiently heard their statements, then flung the bone into a pond.

  “Why did you do that?” said the Dogs.

  “Because,” replied the Sheep, “I am a vegetarian.”

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  The Thief and the Honest Man

  A Thief who had brought a suit against his accomplices to recover his share of the plunder taken from an Honest Man, demanded the Honest Man’s attendance at the trial to testify to his loss. But the Honest Man explained that as he was merely the agent of a company of other honest men it was none of his affair; and when the officers came to serve him with a subpoena he hid himself behind his back and wiled away the dragging hours of retirement and inaction by picking his own pockets.

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  The Dutiful Son

  A Millionaire who had gone to an almshouse to visit his father met a Neighbour there, who was greatly surprised.

  “What!” said the Neighbour, “you do sometimes visit your father?”

  “If our situations were reversed,” said the Millionaire, “I am sure he would visit me. The old man has always been rather proud of me. Besides,” he added, softly, “I had to have his signature; I am insuring his life.”

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  Aesopus Emendatus

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  The Cat and the Youth

  A Cat fell in love with a handsome Young Man, and entreated Venus to change her into a woman.

  “I should think,” said Venus, “you might make so trifling a change without bothering me. However, be a woman.”

  Afterward, wishing to see if the change were complete, Venus caused a mouse to approach, whereupon the woman shrieked and made such a show of herself that the Young Man would not marry her.

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  The Farmer and His Sons

  A Farmer being about to die, and knowing that during his illness his Sons had permitted the vineyard to become overgrown with weeds while they improved the shining hour by gambling with the doctor, said to them:

  “My boys, there is a great treasure buried in the vineyard. You dig in the ground until you find it.”

  So the Sons dug up all the weeds, and all the vines too, and even neglected to bury the old man.

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  Jupiter and the Baby Show

  Jupiter held a baby show, open to all animals, and a Monkey entered her hideous cub for a prize, but Jupiter only laughed at her.

  “It is all very well,” said the Monkey, “to laugh at my offspring, but you go into any gallery of antique sculpture and look at the statues and busts of the fellows that you begot yourself.”

  “‘Sh! don’t expose me,” said Jupiter, and awarded her the first prize.

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  The Man and the Dog

  A Man who had been bitten by a Dog was told that the wound would heal if he would dip a piece of bread in the blood and give it to the Dog. He did so.

  “No,” said the Dog; “if I were to accept that, it might be thought that in biting you I was actuated by improper motives.”

  “And by what motives were you actuated?” asked the Man.

  “I desired,” replied the Dog, “merely to harmonise myself with the Divine Scheme of Things. I’m a child of Nature.”

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  The Cat and the Birds

  Hearing that the Birds in an aviary were ill, a Cat went to them and said that he was a physician, and would cure them if they would let him in.

  “To what school of medicine do you belong?” asked the Birds.

  “I am a Miaulopathist,” said the Cat.

  “Did you ever practise Gohomoeopathy?” the Birds inquired, winking faintly.

  The Cat took the hint and his leave.

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  Mercury and the Woodchopper

  A Woodchopper, who had dropped his axe into a deep pool, besought Mercury to recover it for him. That thoughtless deity i
mmediately plunged into the pool, which became so salivated that the trees about its margin all came loose and dropped out.

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  The Fox and the Grapes

  A Fox, seeing some sour grapes hanging within an inch of his nose, and being unwilling to admit that there was anything he would not eat, solemnly declared that they were out of his reach.

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  The Penitent Thief

  A Boy who had been taught by his Mother to steal grew to be a man and was a professional public official. One day he was taken in the act and condemned to die. While going to the place of execution he passed his Mother and said to her:

  “Behold your work! If you had not taught me to steal, I should not have come to this.”

  “Indeed!” said the Mother. “And who, pray, taught you to be detected?”

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  The Archer and the Eagle