It is unnecessary to explain, I suppose, that each individual grimalkin in the outfit, with that readiness of resource which distinguishes the species, had grappled with tooth and nail as many others as it could hook on to. This preserved the formation. It made the column so stiff that when the ship rolled (and the Mary Jane was a devil to roll) it swayed from side to side like a mast, and the Mate said if it grew much taller he would have to order it cut away or it would capsize us.
Some of the sailors went to work at the pumps, but these discharged nothing but fur. Captain Doble raised his eyes from his toes and shouted: “Let go the anchor!” but being assured that nobody was touching it, apologized and resumed his revery. The chaplain said if there were no objections he would like to offer up a prayer, and a gambler from Chicago, producing a pack of cards, proposed to throw round for the first jack. The parson’s plan was adopted, and as he uttered the final “amen,” the cats struck up a hymn.
All the living ones were now above deck, and every mother’s son of them sang. Each had a pretty fair voice, but no ear. Nearly all their notes in the upper register were more or less cracked and disobedient. The remarkable thing about the voices was their range. In that crowd were cats of seventeen octaves, and the average could not have been less than twelve.
Number of cats, as per invoice
127,000
Estimated number dead swellers
6,000
—— ——
Total songsters
121,000
Average number octaves per cat
12
—— ——
Total octaves
1,452,000
It was a great concert. It lasted three days and nights, or, counting each night as seven days, twenty-four days altogether, and we could not go below for provisions. At the end of that time the cook came for’d shaking up some beans in a hat, and holding a large knife.
“Shipmates,” said he, “we have done all that mortals can do. Let us now draw lots.”
We were blindfolded in turn, and drew, but just as the cook was forcing the fatal black bean upon the fattest man, the concert closed with a suddenness that waked the man on the lookout. A moment later every grimalkin relaxed his hold on his neighbors, the column lost its cohesion and, with 121,000 dull, sickening thuds that beat as one, the whole business fell to the deck. Then with a wild farewell wail that feline host sprang spitting into the sea and struck out southward for the African shore!
The southern extension of Italy, as every schoolboy knows, resembles in shape an enormous boot. We had drifted within sight of it. The cats in the fabric had spied it, and their alert imaginations were instantly affected with a lively sense of the size, weight and probable momentum of its flung bootjack.
Epigrams
If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his leg to-day the country could be successfully invaded to-morrow by the warlike hypocrites of Canada.
To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit of Evil, and to pictures of the latter it appends a tail to represent the note of interrogation.
“Immoral” is the judgment of the stalled ox on the gamboling lamb.
In forgiving an injury be somewhat ceremonious, lest your magnanimity be construed as indifference.
True, man does not know woman. But neither does woman.
Age is provident because the less future we have the more we fear it.
Reason is fallible and virtue vincible; the winds vary and the needle forsakes the pole, but stupidity never errs and never intermits. Since it has been found that the axis of the earth wabbles, stupidity is indispensable as a standard of constancy.
In order that the list of able women may be memorized for use at meetings of the oppressed sex, Heaven has considerately made it brief.
Firmness is my persistency; obstinacy is yours.
A little heap of dust,
A little streak of rust,
A stone without a name —
Lo! hero, sword and fame.
Our vocabulary is defective; we give the same name to woman’s lack of temptation and man’s lack of opportunity.
“You scoundrel, you have wronged me,” hissed the philosopher. “May you live forever!”
The man who thinks that a garnet can be made a ruby by setting it in brass is writing “dialect” for publication.
“Who art thou, stranger, and what dost thou seek?”
“I am Generosity, and I seek a person named Gratitude.”
“Then thou dost not deserve to find her.”
“True. I will go about my business and think of her no more. But who art thou, to be so wise?”
“I am Gratitude — farewell forever.”
There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only.
The boundaries that Napoleon drew have been effaced; the kingdoms that he set up have disappeared. But all the armies and statecraft of Europe cannot unsay what you have said.
Strive not for singularity in dress;
Fools have the more and men of sense the less.
To look original is not worth while,
But be in mind a little out of style.
A conqueror arose from the dead. “Yesterday,” he said, “I ruled half the world.” “Please show me the half that you ruled,” said an angel, pointing out a wisp of glowing vapor floating in space. “That is the world.”
“Who art thou, shivering in thy furs?”
“My name is Avarice. What is thine?”
“Unselfishness.”
“Where is thy clothing, placid one?”
“Thou art wearing it.”
To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand.
If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be not too much greater than they.
To have something that he will not desire, nor know that he has — such is the hope of him who seeks the admiration of posterity. The character of his work does not matter; he is a humorist.
Women and foxes, being weak, are distinguished by superior tact.
To fatten pigs, confine and feed them; to fatten rogues, cultivate a generous disposition.
Every heart is the lair of a ferocious animal. The greatest wrong that you can put upon a man is to provoke him to let out his beast.
When two irreconcilable propositions are presented for assent the safest way is to thank Heaven that we are not as the unreasoning brutes, and believe both.
Truth is more deceptive than falsehood, for it is more frequently presented by those from whom we do not expect it, and so has against it a numerical presumption.
A bad marriage is like an electrical thrilling machine: it makes you dance, but you can’t let go.
Meeting Merit on a street-crossing, Success stood still. Merit stepped off into the mud and went round him, bowing his apologies, which Success had the grace to accept.
“I think,” says the philosopher divine,
“Therefore I am.” Sir, here’s a surer sign:
We know we live, for with our every breath
We feel the fear and imminence of death.
The first man you meet is a fool. If you do not think so ask him and he will prove it.
He who would rather inflict injustice than suffer it will always have his choice, for no injustice can be done to him.
There are as many conceptions of a perfect happiness hereafter as there are minds that have marred their happiness here.
We yearn to be, not what we are, but what we are not. If we were immortal we should not crave immortality.
A rabbit’s foot may bring good luck to you, but it brought none to the rabbit.
Before praising the wisdom of the man who knows how to hold his tongue, ascertain if he knows how to hold his pen.
The most charming view in the world is obtained by introspection.
Love is unlike chess, in that the pi
eces are moved secretly and the player sees most of the game. But the looker-on has one incomparable advantage: he is not the stake.
It is not for nothing that tigers choose to hide in the jungle, for commerce and trade are carried on, mostly, in the open.
We say that we love, not whom we will, but whom we must. Our judgment need not, therefore, go to confession.
Of two kinds of temporary insanity, one ends in suicide, the other in marriage.
If you give alms from compassion, why require the beneficiary to be “a deserving object”? No other adversity is so sharp as destitution of merit.
Bereavement is the name that selfishness gives to a particular privation.
O proud philanthropist, your hope is vain
To get by giving what you lost by gain.
With every gift you do but swell the cloud
Of witnesses against you, swift and loud —
Accomplices who turn and swear you split
Your life: half robber and half hypocrite.
You’re least unsafe when most intact you hold
Your curst allotment of dishonest gold.
The highest and rarest form of contentment is approval of the success of another.
If Inclination challenge, stand and fight —
From Opportunity the wise take flight.
What a woman most admires in a man is distinction among men. What a man most admires in a woman is devotion to himself.
Those who most loudly invite God’s attention to themselves when in peril of death are those who should most fervently wish to escape his observation.
When you have made a catalogue of your friend’s faults it is only fair to supply him with a duplicate, so that he may know yours.
How fascinating is Antiquity! — in what a golden haze the ancients lived their lives! We, too, are ancients. Of our enchanting time Posterity’s great poets will sing immortal songs, and its archæologists will reverently uncover the foundations of our palaces and temples. Meantime we swap jack-knives.
Observe, my son, with how austere a virtue the man without a cent puts aside the temptation to manipulate the market or acquire a monopoly.
For study of the good and the bad in woman two women are a needless expense.
“There’s no free will,” says the philosopher;
“To hang is most unjust.”
“There is no free will,” assents the officer;
“We hang because we must.”
Hope is an explorer who surveys the country ahead. That is why we know so much about the Hereafter and so little about the Heretofore.
Remembering that it was a woman who lost the world, we should accept the act of cackling geese in saving Rome as partial reparation.
There are two classes of women who may do as they please; those who are rich and those who are poor. The former can count on assent, the latter on inattention.
When into the house of the heart Curiosity is admitted as the guest of Love she turns her host out of doors.
Happiness has not to all the same name: to Youth she is known as the Future; Age knows her as the Dream.
“Who art thou, there in the mire?”
“Intuition. I leaped all the way from where thou standest in fear on the brink of the bog.”
“A great feat, madam; accept the admiration of Reason, sometimes known as Dry-foot.”
In eradicating an evil, it makes a difference whether it is uprooted or rooted up. The difference is in the reformer.
The Audible Sisterhood rightly affirms the equality of the sexes: no man is so base but some woman is base enough to love him.
Having no eyes in the back of the head, we see ourselves on the verge of the outlook. Only he who has accomplished the notable feat of turning about knows himself the central figure in the universe.
Truth is so good a thing that falsehood can not afford to be without it.
If women did the writing of the world, instead of the talking, men would be regarded as the superior sex in beauty, grace and goodness.
Love is a delightful day’s journey. At the farther end kiss your companion and say farewell.
Let him who would wish to duplicate his every experience prate of the value of life.
The game of discontent has its rules, and he who disregards them cheats. It is not permitted to you to wish to add another’s advantages or possessions to your own; you are permitted only to wish to be another.
The creator and arbiter of beauty is the heart; to the male rattlesnake the female rattlesnake is the loveliest thing in nature.
Thought and emotion dwell apart. When the heart goes into the head there is no dissension; only an eviction.
If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it.
“Where goest thou, Ignorance?”
“To fortify the mind of a maiden against a peril.”
“I am going thy way. My name is Knowledge.”
“Scoundrel! Thou art the peril.”
A prude is one who blushes modestly at the indelicacy of her thoughts and virtuously flies from the temptation of her desires.
The man who is always taking you by the hand is the same who if you were hungry would take you by the café.
When a certain sovereign wanted war he threw out a diplomatic intimation; when ready, a diplomat.
If public opinion were determined by a throw of the dice, it would in the long run be half the time right.
The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.
A virtuous widow is the most loyal of mortals; she is faithful to that which is neither pleased nor profited by her fidelity.
Of one who was “foolish” the creators of our language said that he was “fond.” That we have not definitely reversed the meanings of the words should be set down to the credit of our courtesy.
Rioting gains its end by the power of numbers. To a believer in the wisdom and goodness of majorities it is not permitted to denounce a successful mob.
Artistically set to grace
The wall of a dissecting-place,
A human pericardium
Was fastened with a bit of gum,
While, simply underrunning it,
The one word, “Charity,” was writ
To show the student band that hovered
About it what it once had covered.
Virtue is not necessary to a good reputation, but a good reputation is helpful to virtue.
When lost in a forest go always down hill. When lost in a philosophy or doctrine go upward.
We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.
Pascal says that an inch added to the length of Cleopatra’s nose would have changed the fortunes of the world. But having said this, he has said nothing, for all the forces of nature and all the power of dynasties could not have added an inch to the length of Cleopatra’s nose.
Our luxuries are always masquerading as necessaries. Woman is the only necessary having the boldness and address to compel recognition as a luxury.
“I am the seat of the affections,” said the heart.
“Thank you,” said the judgment, “you save my face.”
“Who art thou that weepest?”
“Man.”
“Nay, thou art Egotism. I am the Scheme of the Universe. Study me and learn that nothing matters.”
“Then how does it matter that I weep?”
A slight is less easily forgiven than an injury, because it implies something of contempt, indifference, an overlooking of our importance; whereas an injury presupposes some degree of consideration. “The black-guards!” said a traveler whom Sicilian brigands had released without ransom; “did they think me a person of no consequence?”
The people’s plaudits are unheard in hell.
Generosity to a fallen foe is a virtue that takes no chances.
If there was a world before this we must all have died i
mpenitent.
We are what we laugh at. The stupid person is a poor joke, the clever, a good one.
If every man who resents being called a rogue resented being one this would be a world of wrath.
Force and charm are important elements of character, but it counts for little to be stronger than honey and sweeter than a lion.
Grief and discomfiture are coals that cool:
Why keep them glowing with thy sighs, poor fool?
A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites them to think something else.
Asked to describe the Deity, a donkey would represent him with long ears and a tail. Man’s conception is higher and truer: he thinks of him as somewhat resembling a man.
Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling.
The sky is a concave mirror in which Man sees his own distorted image and seeks to propitiate it.
Honor thy father and thy mother that thy days may be long in the land, but do not hope that the life insurance companies will offer thee special rates.
Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Delphi Classics) Page 120