Persons who are horrified by what they believe to be Darwin’s theory of the descent of Man from the Ape may find comfort in the hope of his return.
A strong mind is more easily impressed than a weak: you shall not so readily convince a fool that you are a philosopher as a philosopher that you are a fool.
A cheap and easy cynicism rails at everything. The master of the art accomplishes the formidable task of discrimination.
When publicly censured our first instinct is to make everybody a codefendant.
O lady fine, fear not to lead
To Hymen’s shrine a clown:
Love cannot level up, indeed,
But he can level down.
Men are polygamous by nature and monogamous for opportunity. It is a faithful man who is willing to be watched by a half-dozen wives.
The virtues chose Modesty to be their queen.
“I did not know that I was a virtue,” she said. “Why did you not choose Innocence?”
“Because of her ignorance,” they replied. “She knows nothing but that she is a virtue.”
It is a wise “man’s man” who knows what it is that he despises in a “ladies’ man.”
If the vices of women worshiped their creators men would boast of the adoration they inspire.
The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.
Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their way to the dumps.
A woman died who had passed her life in affirming the superiority of her sex.
“At last,” she said, “I shall have rest and honors.”
“Enter,” said Saint Peter; “thou shalt wash the faces of the dear little cherubim.”
To woman a general truth has neither value nor interest unless she can make a particular application of it. And we say that women are not practical!
The ignorant know not the depth of their ignorance, but the learned know the shallowness of their learning.
He who relates his success in charming woman’s heart may be assured of his failure to charm man’s ear.
What poignant memories the shadows bring;
What songs of triumph in the dawning ring!
By night a coward and by day a king.
When among the graves of thy fellows, walk with circumspection; thine own is open at thy feet.
As the physiognomist takes his own face as the highest type and standard, so the critic’s theories are imposed by his own limitations.
“Heaven lies about us in our infancy,” and our neighbors take up the tale as we mature.
“My laws,” she said, “are of myself a part:
I read them by examining my heart.”
“True,” he replied; “like those to Moses known,
Thine also are engraven upon stone.”
Love is a distracted attention: from contemplation of one’s self one turns to consider one’s dream.
“Halt! — who goes there?”
“Death.”
“Advance, Death, and give the countersign.”
“How needless! I care not to enter thy camp to-night. Thou shalt enter mine.”
“What! I a deserter?”
“Nay, a great soldier. Thou shalt overcome all the enemies of mankind.”
“Who are they?”
“Life and the Fear of Death.”
The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand and says they signify character. The philosopher reads character by what the hand most loves to close upon.
Ah, woe is his, with length of living cursed,
Who, nearing second childhood, had no first.
Behind, no glimmer, and before no ray —
A night at either end of his dark day.
A noble enthusiasm in praise of Woman is not incompatible with a spirited zeal in defamation of women.
The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame defense, for love of work at money-getting is a lower taste than love of money.
He who thinks that praise of mediocrity atones for disparagement of genius is like one who should plead robbery in excuse of theft.
The most disagreeable form of masculine hypocrisy is that which finds expression in pretended remorse for impossible gallantries.
Any one can say that which is new; any one that which is true. For that which is both new and true we must go duly accredited to the gods and await their pleasure.
The test of truth is Reason, not Faith; for to the court of Reason must be submitted even the claims of Faith.
“Whither goest thou?” said the angel.
“I know not.”
“And whence hast thou come?”
“I know not.”
“But who art thou?”
“I know not.”
“Then thou art Man. See that thou turn not back, but pass on to the place whence thou hast come.”
If Expediency and Righteousness are not father and son they are the most harmonious brothers that ever were seen.
Train the head, and the heart will take care of itself; a rascal is one who knows not how to think.
Do you to others as you would
That others do to you;
But see that you no service good
Would have from others that they could
Not rightly do.
Taunts are allowable in the case of an obstinate husband: balky horses may best be made to go by having their ears bitten.
Adam probably regarded Eve as the woman of his choice, and exacted a certain gratitude for the distinction of his preference.
A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a dead ape and work downward through a million graves. He is like the lower end of a suspended chain; you can sway him slightly to the right or the left, but remove your hand and he falls into line with the other links.
He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.
These are the prerogatives of genius: To know without having learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things.
Although one love a dozen times, yet will the latest love seem the first. He who says he has loved twice has not loved once.
Men who expect universal peace through invention of destructive weapons of war are no wiser than one who, noting the improvement of agricultural implements, should prophesy an end to the tilling of the soil.
To parents only, death brings an inconsolable sorrow. When the young die and the old live, nature’s machinery is working with the friction that we name grief.
Empty wine-bottles have a bad opinion of women.
Civilization is the child of human ignorance and conceit. If Man knew his insignificance in the scheme of things he would not think it worth while to rise from barbarity to enlightenment. But it is only through enlightenment that he can know.
Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think not that by tarrying in them you will take more days to the journey. The day of your arrival is already recorded.
The most offensive egotist is he that fears to say “I” and “me.” “It will probably rain” — that is dogmatic. “I think it will rain” — that is natural and modest. Montaigne is the most delightful of essayists because so great is his humility that he does not think it important that we see not Montaigne. He so forgets himself that he employs no artifice to make us forget him.
On fair foundations Theocrats unwise
Rear superstructures that offend the skies.
“Behold,” they cry, “this pile so fair and tall!
Come dwell within it and be happy all.”
But they alone inhabit it, and find,
Poor fools, ‘tis but a prison for the mind.
If thou wilt not laugh at a rich man’s wit thou art an anarchist, and if thou take not his word thou shalt take nothing that he hath. Make haste, therefore, to be civil to thy
betters, and so prosper, for prosperity is the foundation of the state.
Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.
When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.
When Eve first saw her reflection in a pool, she sought Adam and accused him of infidelity.
“Why dost thou weep?”
“For the death of my wife. Alas! I shall never again see her!”
“Thy wife will never again see thee, yet she does not weep.”
What theology is to religion and jurisprudence to justice, etiquette is to civility.
“Who art thou that despite the piercing cold and thy robe’s raggedness seemest to enjoy thyself?”
“Naught else is enjoyable — I am Contentment.”
“Ha! thine must be a magic shirt. Off with it! I shiver in my fine attire.”
“I have no shirt. Pass on, Success.”
Ignorance when inevitable is excusable. It may be harmless, even beneficial; but it is charming only to the unwise. To affect a spurious ignorance is to disclose a genuine.
Because you will not take by theft what you can have by cheating, think not yours is the only conscience in the world. Even he who permits you to cheat his neighbor will shrink from permitting you to cheat himself.
“God keep thee, stranger; what is thy name?”
“Wisdom. And thine?”
“Knowledge. How does it happen that we meet?”
“This is an intersection of our paths.”
“Will it ever be decreed that we travel always the same road?”
“We were well named if we knew.”
Nothing is more logical than persecution. Religious tolerance is a kind of infidelity.
Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be sometimes dishonest.
The philosopher’s profoundest conviction is that which he is most reluctant to express, lest he mislead.
When exchange of identities is possible, be careful; you may choose a person who is willing.
The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince himself.
In the Parliament of Otumwee the Chancellor of the Exchequer proposed a tax on fools.
“The right honorable and generous gentleman,” said a member, “forgets that we already have it in the poll tax.”
“Whose dead body is that?”
“Credulity’s.”
“By whom was he slain?”
“Credulity.”
“Ah, suicide.”
“No, surfeit. He dined at the table of Science, and swallowed all that was set before him.”
Don’t board with the devil if you wish to be fat.
Pray do not despise your delinquent debtor; his default is no proof of poverty.
Courage is the acceptance of the gambler’s chance: a brave man bets against the game of the gods.
“Who art thou?”
“A philanthropist. And thou?”
“A pauper.”
“Away! you have nothing to relieve my need.”
Youth looks forward, for nothing is behind; Age backward, for nothing is before.
Think not, O man, the world has any need
That thou canst truly serve by word or deed.
Serve thou thy better self, nor care to know
How God makes righteousness and roses grow.
In spiritual matters material aids are not to be despised: by the use of an organ and a painted window an artistic emotion can be made to seem a religious ecstasy.
The poor man’s price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his self-respect. It assures him a seat in the gallery.
One may know oneself ugly, but there is no mirror for the understanding.
If the righteous thought death what they think they think it they would search less diligently for divine ordinances against suicide.
Weep not for cruelty to rogues in jail:
Injustice can the just alone assail.
Deny compassion to the wretch who swerved,
Till all who, fainting, walked aright are served.
The artless woman may be known by her costume: her gown is trimmed with feathers of the white blackbird.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
Slang is a foul pool at which every dunce fills his bucket, and then sets up as a fountain.
The present is the frontier between the desert of the past and the garden of the future. It is redrawn every moment.
The virtue that is not automatic requires more attention than it is worth.
At sunset our shadows reach the stars, yet we are no greater at death than at the noon of life.
Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce the errors of youth for those of age.
From childhood to youth is eternity; from youth to manhood, a season. Age comes in a night and is incredible.
Avoid the disputatious. When you greet an acquaintance with “How are you?” and he replies: “On the contrary, how are you?” pass on.
If all thought were audible none would be deemed discreditable. We know, indeed, that bad thoughts are universal, but that is not the same thing as catching them at being so.
“All the souls in this place have been happy ever since you blundered into it,” said Satan, ejecting Hope. “You make trouble wherever you go.”
Our severest retorts are unanswerable because nobody is present to answer them.
The angels have good dreams and bad, and we are the dreams. When an angel wakes one of us dies.
The man of “honor” pays his bet
By saving on his lawful debt.
When he to Nature pays his dust
(Not for he would, but for he must)
Men say, “He settled that, ‘tis true,
But, faith, it long was overdue.”
Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.
If we knew nothing was behind us we should discern our true relation to the universe.
Youth has the sun and the stars by which to determine his position on the sea of life; Age must sail by dead reckoning and knows not whither he is bound.
Happiness is lost by criticising it; sorrow by accepting it.
As Nature can not make us altogether wretched she resorts to the trick of contrast by making us sometimes almost happy.
When prosperous the fool trembles for the evil that is to come; in adversity the philosopher smiles for the good that he has had.
When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to why He then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman’s.
She hated him because he discovered that her lark was a crow. He hated her because she unlocked the cage of his beast.
“Who art thou?”
“Friendship.”
“I am Love; let us travel together.”
“Yes — for a day’s journey; then thou arrivest at thy grave.”
“And thou?”
“I go as far as the grave of Advantage.”
Look far enough ahead and always thou shalt see the domes and spires of the City of Contentment.
You would say of that old man: “He is bald and bent.” No; in the presence of Death he uncovers and bows.
If you saw Love pictured as clad in furs you would smile. Yet every year has its winter.
You can not disprove the Great Pyramid by showing the impossibility of putting the stones in place.
Men were singing the praises of Justice.
“Not so loud,” said an angel; “if you wake her she will put you all to death.”
Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered.
Wisdom is known only by contrasting it with folly; by shadow only we perceive that all visible objects are not flat. Yet Philanthropos would abolish evil!
One whose falsehoods no longer deceive ha
s forfeited the right to speak truth.
Wisdom is a special knowledge in excess of all that is known.
To live is to believe. The most credulous of mortals is he who is persuaded of his incredulity.
In him who has never wronged another, revenge is a virtue.
That you can not serve God and Mammon is a poor excuse for not serving God.
A fool’s tongue is not so noisy but the wise can hear his ear commanding them to silence.
If the Valley of Peace could be reached only by the path of love, it would be sparsely inhabited.
To the eye of failure success is an accident with a presumption of crime.
Wearing his eyes in his heart, the optimist falls over his own feet, and calls it Progress.
You can calculate your distance from Hell by the number of wayside roses. They are thickest at the hither end of the route.
The world was made a sphere in order that men should not push one another off, but the landowner smiles when he thinks of the sea.
Let not the night on thy resentment fall:
Strike when the wrong is fresh, or not at all.
The lion ceases if his first leap fail —
‘Tis only dogs that nose a cooling trail.
Having given out all the virtues that He had made, God made another.
“Give us that also,” said His children.
“Nay,” He replied, “if I give you that you will slay one another till none is left. You shall have only its name, which is Justice.”
“That is a good name,” they said; “we will give it to a virtue of our own creation.”
So they gave it to Revenge.
The sea-bird speeding from the realm of night
Dashes to death against the beacon-light.
Learn from its evil fate, ambitious soul,
The ministry of light is guide, not goal.
While you have a future do not live too much in contemplation of your past: unless you are content to walk backward the mirror is a poor guide.
“O dreadful Death, why veilest thou thy face?”
“To spare me thine impetuous embrace.”
He who knows himself great accepts the truth in reverent silence, but he who only believes himself great has embraced a noisy faith.
Life is a little plot of light. We enter, clasp a hand or two, and go our several ways back into the darkness. The mystery is infinitely pathetic and picturesque.
Cheerfulness is the religion of the little. The low hills are a-smirk with flowers and greenery; the dominating peaks, austere and desolate, holding a prophecy of doom.
Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Delphi Classics) Page 121