Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Delphi Classics)

by Ambrose Bierce

  It is not to our credit that women like best the men who are not as other men, nor to theirs that they are not particular as to the nature of the difference.

  In the journey of life when thy shadow falls to the westward stop until it falls to the eastward. Thou art then at thy destination.

  Seek not for happiness—’tis known

  To hope and memory alone;

  At dawn — how bright the noon will be!

  At eve — how fair it glowed, ah, me!

  Brain was given to test the heart’s credibility as a witness, yet the philosopher’s lady is almost as fine as the clown’s wench.

  “Who art thou, so sorrowful?”

  “Ingratitude. It saddens me to look upon the devastations of Benevolence.”

  “Then veil thine eyes, for I am Benevolence.”

  “Wretch! thou art my father and my mother.”

  Death is the only prosperity that we neither desire for ourselves nor resent in others.

  To the small part of ignorance that we can arrange and classify we give the name Knowledge.

  “I wish to enter,” said the soul of the voluptuary.

  “I am told that all the beautiful women are here.”

  “Enter,” said Satan, and the soul of the voluptuary passed in.

  “They make the place what it is,” added Satan, as the gates clanged.

  Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

  Think not to atone for wealth by apology: you must make restitution to the accuser.

  Study good women and ignore the rest,

  For he best knows the sex who knows the best.

  Before undergoing a surgical operation arrange your temporal affairs. You may live.

  Intolerance is natural and logical, for in every dissenting opinion lies an assumption of superior wisdom.

  “Who art thou?” said Saint Peter at the Gate.

  “I am known as Memory.”

  “What presumption! — go back to Hell. And who, perspiring friend, art thou?”

  “My name is Satan. I am looking for — —”

  “Take your penal apparatus and be off.”

  And Satan, laying hold of Memory, said: “Come along, you scoundrel! you make happiness wherever you are not.”

  Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the original earth clinging to the roots.

  The heels of Detection are sore from the toes of Remorse.

  Twice we see Paradise. In youth we name it Life; in age, Youth.

  There are but ten Commandments, true,

  But that’s no hardship, friend, to you;

  The sins whereof no line is writ

  You’re not commanded to commit.

  Fear of the darkness is more than an inherited superstition — it is at night, mostly, that the king thinks.

  “Who art thou?” said Mercy.

  “Revenge, the father of Justice.”

  “Thou wearest thy son’s clothing.”

  “One must be clad.”

  “Farewell — I go to attend thy son.”

  “Thou wilt find him hiding in yonder jungle.”

  Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.

  Men talk of selecting a wife; horses, of selecting an owner.

  You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day.

  A sweetheart is a bottle of wine; a wife is a wine-bottle.

  He gets on best with women who best knows how to get on without them.

  “Who am I?” asked an awakened soul.

  “That is the only knowledge that is denied to you here,” answered a smiling angel; “this is Heaven.”

  Woman’s courage is ignorance of danger; man’s is hope of escape.

  When God had finished this terrestrial frame

  And all things else, with or without a name,

  The Nothing that remained within His hand

  Said: “Make me into something fine and grand,

  Thine angels to amuse and entertain.”

  God heard and made it into human brain.

  If you wish to slay your enemy make haste, O make haste, for already Nature’s knife is at his throat and yours.

  To most persons a sense of obligation is insupportable; beware upon whom you inflict it.

  Bear me, good oceans, to some isle

  Where I may never fear

  The snake alurk in woman’s smile,

  The tiger in her tear.

  Yet bear not with me her, O deeps,

  Who never smiles and never weeps.

  Life and Death threw dice for a child.

  “I win!” cried Life.

  “True,” said Death, “but you need a nimbler tongue to proclaim your luck. The stake is already dead of age.”

  How blind is he who, powerless to discern

  The glories that about his pathway burn,

  Walks unaware the avenues of Dream,

  Nor sees the domes of Paradise agleam!

  O Golden Age, to him more nobly planned

  Thy light lies ever upon sea and land.

  From sordid scenes he lifts his eyes at will,

  And sees a Grecian god on every hill!

  In childhood we expect, in youth demand, in manhood hope, and in age beseech.

  A violet softly sighed,

  A hollyhock shouted above.

  In the heart of the violet, pride;

  In the heart of the hollyhock, love.

  If women knew themselves the fact that men do not know them would flatter them less and content them more.

  The angel with a flaming sword slept at his post, and Eve slipped back into the Garden. “Thank Heaven! I am again in Paradise,” said Adam.

  KINGS OF BEASTS

  BY

  LITTLE JOHNNY

  Edited to a Low and Variable Degree of Intelligibility by the Author’s Uncle Edward.

  CONTENTS

  THE RAT

  BUTTYGOATS

  CATS

  THE CRANE

  THE SNAKE

  FROGS

  DOGS

  THE PIG

  KANGAROONS

  EPHALENTS

  THE TOOTSY WOOTSY

  GRASS HOPPERS

  DOMESTICAL HENS

  THE BUFLO

  SHEEPS

  DUCKS

  THE NUMPORAUCUS

  MOLES

  THE GOFURIOUS

  THE RHI NOSEY ROSE

  SWANS

  THE HIPPORIPPUS

  JACKUSSES

  SOLJERS

  FISH

  THE POL PATRIOT

  COWS

  BUZARDS

  THE CAMEL

  FLIES

  MUNKYS

  BEARS

  THE TAIL END

  THE RAT

  RATS is radiants and the little ones is a mouse, and thats the feller which pursues the women folks up into a high tree and blankets on her blood I.But the old he rat eats bread and cheese like a thing of life.

  One day my mother she baited a trap with Dutch cheese, for to catch a rat. My father he looked on a while, and then he said, my father did: “I guess there isnt any doubt about the rat finding that deadly invention if he follers his nose, and I foresee his finish, but what is the trap for?”

  Rats is two kinds, the common and the mush. The common is the scourge of the world, but the mush he lives in the water and is highly respected. The fur of the mush is a article of commerce and keeps your hands warm when winter stalks abroad like a devouring kangaroon. If I was a mush I would keep my fur for my own self and say: “You fool humans can stay in the house and stand by the fire.” But Uncle Ned he says that would be bad for athletical sports, why not let them go out of doors, but keep their hands in one a others pockets as usual?

  He says one time in Ar
izona there was a show, and the show man he stood in the door of his tent and hollored: “Walk up, walk up, ladies and gents, and see the fierce Canadian beaver, which is the 8th wonder of the world and the anchor of hope to them which is afflicted with the dumps. He roams the rivers of the frozen north, from Dan Couvers island to Sammy Quoddys bay in the state of Maine, and his voice is ever for war. When he throws his eye upon a tree the doom of that monarch of the forest primeval is sealed, its caroar at a end and its name a by word in the mouths of men, for he ganaws it down while you wait, and as it thunders to earth he raises the song of triump and lashes the air to foam! His house is fathoms five under the glad waters of the deep blue sea, and the steam boats pass above him as he pursues the evil tenor of his way, in maiden meditation, fancy free. At midnights holy hour he arises to the surface for to communicate with his kindreds in a far country, and the slap of his powerful tail is heard around the world. The dams which he builds with his teeths and feets turns aside the Father of Waters, and mighty cities are with the eternal past! Yet this wonder worker is endowered with a domestical mind and a sociable dispusition, and he is never so happy as when surounded by such friendly and congenual spirits as I see before me, generously eager for to cheer him in his campaign of education. Walk up, walk up, only fifty cents for to bring the balm of Gulliad to this lonely exiles heart.”

  I asked Uncle Ned was it a mush rat, and he said, Uncle Ned did: “I dont know, Johnny, I dont know. I hadnt time to go in and cheer up the lonely exile, for having the misfortune to wear a stopipe hat and look like maybe I would steal horses, I feared that if I went in the show I might be too much absorbed in admiration to the beaver to mark the laps of time, and would be late at the boundry.”

  Beavers is mammals, but the mush is amfabulous and lays eggs. And thats why I say every feller to his own taste and the tiger for us all.

  The mush he lives in the river, and when he is attempted to be caught he swims across and whisks his tail, real contemptible, much as to say; “No you dont.”

  But if you have a gun you do.

  Injins eats the mush every little tiny bit up, fur and all, and, then the white man he says: “You uncivilize galoot, aint you a shamed of yourself for to be so filthy, why dont you eat oysters, like you was folks?”

  But, if I was Injins I wouldnt care what I et, just so it was pizen. Franky, thats the baby, he eats everything which is in the world and is made sick. One time Mary, thats the house maid, she come to my mother ablubberin like she had been licked, and she said, Mary did: “O, if you please, mum, I gave Franky his fathers pocket knife for to play with, and Ime afraid he will make a improper use of it.”

  Mother she said: “Go and take it away from him this minute!”

  But Mary she only just cried harder and said: “He won’t give it up, for he has swollered it.”

  Girls is fools, but Billy, thats my brother, he can stand on his head, and Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, he can climb the mast and fling defiance into the teeths of the storm!

  Jack says one time a other sailor hired out as mate of a ship which the captain of had a pet kangaroon. One day fore the ship sailed the mate was lyin in his bunk, and the kang it come in and looked around the room, but the mate he let on for to be asleep. So the kang it stole a shirt and stuffed it in the pouch on the stomach of its belly. Then it took a comb and a hair brush and put them in too. Bime by it see the mate’s new shoes, and his toothbrush and a railroad guide and took them all. Then the roon it hopped away.

  The mate he got up and went to the captain and sed, the mate did: “If you are willing, sir, Ide like to be set ashore to once, cause we are doomed for to sink in the bowel of the sea.”

  The captain said how did he know, and the mate said: “By a infaluble sign. I seen that big French rat of yourn a packin up for to forsake the ship.”

  Rats is every where, but the kang is a native of Illinoy and leaps from crag to crag!

  My sisters young man he says the women has rats in their hair, so you better keep away from them, but my sister says why dont he?

  When he comes to see her he asks how I am gettin on with my natural histry, and then he tells me things which I am welcome for to put into it, but she says what a fib, and I must not believe a word which he says, and looks right in his eyes with hern, real reproachy, but he isnt a bit afraid. Hern are brown, but hisn is gray.

  Rats is bipeds, but the hi potamus has got hair on its teeths and can swoller a native nigger like he was a capsule. And that is why I say do into others the same as you would be done to by them your own self.

  BUTTYGOATS

  THERE is billygoats and nannygoats and they are all butty if you dont look out, for when they are made fun of they will act in the most responsible manner.

  Uncle Ned he says one time there was a little boy which was a havin his own fun with a goat, by gettin down on his all 4s and stampin his hands and shakin his head like it was the goat’s head, but the goat it didnt seem for to mind, but went round behind him, like it said: “I wont have nothing to do with this business.”

  But when it got to where it wanted to be it let drive, real cruel, where the boy sat down. The boy he lit in the open door of a house, and a old man come out and saw the boy, and then he looked all around, but didnt see nobody else, and then he looked up to the sky and said: “Heaven be praised, which has sent us a son!”

  But I guess he knew.

  The Bible it says for to be frightful and multiply.

  When he was movin out of the other house into this one, Billy, thats my brother, had took a big lookin glass to the wagon and stood it up against a wheel, and a goat he see himself in the glass, and that was more than he would stand, so he backed off and took a run and jump with his head down, like it was a cow catcher on a engine. The glass it was smashed, but the goat was catched between the spokes of the wheel and held fast a long time. When he got out he run round to the other side of the wagon and viewed the land scape oer, and shook his head mighty brave, like saying: “Well, you got away this time, you ugly feller, but you wouldnt if it hadnt been for that wagon in the way, and you better not let me see you in this part of the country again, mister!”

  Goats is mollusks, but the centipede is infantry. The pede is found in the torpid zone, but the rhi nupple dinkey is a three legger and makes the welkin ring! Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, swears and chews tobacco, and every thing, says the dink is the gem of the ocean and can swaller 2 men to once. One day Jack seen a dink a follering the ship which he worked on, and he told the captain. The captain he said: “That is mighty mournful, cause the dinky is bad luck unless he is fed a sailor every day. We are 6 days from the port where we are bound for, and there is just seven of us. The way I figure it out I shall have to take this ship into port pretty short handed. Go forwerd and unship the cook.”

  Jack he said: “I, I, sir,” and went and flang the cook over board and the dink et the cook.

  Next day the captain made Jack thro over the mate, and next day the carpenter, and the dink et both. Jack he begun for to be mighty nervous, but on the 4th day, as he was about to heave a able bodied seaman into the ragin deeps, they sighted a wreck and rescued the crew. That enabled them for to give the dink 2 men a day and save 4 human lifes.

  Billy says there isnt any such thing as a rhi nupple dinky, but Jack he says Billy is prejudiced cause Jacks father is nothing only but just a humble butcher, but ourn wears a stopipe hat.

  Jack says he pines like a caged eagle on this dull, unchangin shore, but my sisters young man he says that the briny deep which Jack knows most about is his fathers barrel of pickled pork. But I know Jack was one time a pirate, for his arm is tattered red and blue with a picture of a angel and a labm.

  Jakey Epstein, which is the curly headed Jew, he says pork is pizen, and one day when my sisters young man was eatin a sausage Jakey’s father he spoke up and sed: “I rather die than eat that.”

  My sisters young man stopt eatin awhile, and looked at him soll
em out of his eyes, and bime by he said: “Ide rather you would.” But it is wicked to sass back, for the Bible it says a soft answer turneth away rats.

  Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, did I ever tell you about the buttigoat which had never saw a mule? One day it saw one a standin in the sun, like it was asleep. The butty it looked awhile and then it walked around to the last part of the mule, a lookin mighty sly, much as to say: ‘When he cant see me I’ll sock it to him good and plenty.’

  “But the mule knew what was doing, and when the butty tried to sock it to him he kicked him in the forehead real cruel, and the butty turned a flip flop and lit on his back with his feets in the air. Bime by he got up and shook his self, and stomped the ground, and looked at the mule a long time, which was a chewin his cud real peaceful. After a while the butty he said to his self: ‘Ide like for to know which end that feller buts with. I know which I do by the ache.’”

  The horse is the noblest animal which scours the plain, but the buttigoat can knock out a dog like the dog hadnt been there, for the butty was give dominion over the fishes of the sea, and the birds of the foul air and everything that is born of woman.

  CATS

  A FELLER which had took a unfurnished bed room in a lodgin’ house, he said one evening to a friend which had called on him: “Now I got my room, and I have bought this bed and chair, but my money has give out, wot am I to do for a water pitcher, and a lamp, and a hair brush, and other little articles of luxury such as a man of refined taste likes to see about him?”

  Then his friend he spoke up and said: “Just give me that old cat and come along o me, and we will get all them things mighty quick.”

  So they took the cat into the back yard of a other house and pinned her tail to a does line, where she swung free to the sport of the wind and owled awful! Then the fellers friend he said: “Now we will get plenty water jugs, and lamps, and hair brushes, and old shoes, and all things which is nice. All we got to do is just hide ourselfs till they come down like manna from Heaven.”

  They stayed all night till the cat had singed herself into the better land and they was most froze, and no manna. While they was a lookin up to a window a feller in his night shirt opened the window and looked out for to see the sun rise. Then one of them said to the shirt feller: “It is a nice mornin, gum dast you!” But the man at the window he didnt say nothing. So the other feller he hollered: “How do you like music, old stick-in-the-mud?” but the man didn’t say nothin a other time. Then the feller which the cat was hisn he shook his two fists real terible and hollered: “He get even on you for this, you darned thief!”