Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Delphi Classics)

by Ambrose Bierce

  R. — The worst I ever! It does not at all express my views on the —

  McK. — The views expressed are supposed to be those of the President.

  R. — The devil!

  McK. — I beg pardon. The President.

  R. — But where do I come in?

  McK. — Into what? The White House? Where the cat does, I think. The other entrances are guarded.

  R. — Look here, pardner, I mean to be a part of this administration.

  McK. — With that hat? — .

  R. — What’s the matter with the hat?

  McK. — The head. [Rings bell, enter Hay.] Mr. Secretary, this gentleman has the goodness to wish to resign and become a part of the administration. Is there a vacancy in the Cabinet?

  HAY — You can easily make one, sir, by appointing him.

  [Exit Roosevelt, swearing.]

  The Russian Ambassador has called to talk of a concerted movement on Peking, to rescue the besieged legations.

  McK. — Never mind that now — let us have peace.

  [Enter Doorkeeper, pale and agitated.]

  DOORKEEPER — O, if you please, sir, the gentleman with the teeth!

  McK. — Well?

  D. —— He — he showed ‘em!

  McK. — Well?

  D. —— He — he drawed a bowie knife! If you please, sir, I — I’d like another place.

  McK. — You are right, my good man. You shall be Minister to China.

  THE GENESIS OF A NATION

  Hay, Secretary of State. Morgan, a Southern Senator. Telephone.

  MORGAN — Mr. Secretary, I have startling and important news: the State of Panama has seceded from Colombia!

  HAY — You don’t say so! — this is so sudden!

  Mor. — Yes, sir, it is true.

  HAY — Well, well! Who would have thought it?

  Mor. — I trust, sir, this removes the last scruple that the Administration may have had against immediate construction of the Nicaraguan Canal. The war down there will —

  HAY — War? Is there also a war?

  Mor. — Sir, you astonish me! Am I to suppose that you do not know that secession entails war? I learned that more than forty years ago.

  HAY — Dear me! Then we shall have to protect American interests. How do you think it would do to send word to our Consul at Colon to be duly vigilant in the matter?

  Or perhaps it would be better to have our Minister at Bogota notify Colombia that there must be no bloodshed.

  MOR. — I think, if you want to know, that that would be taking the side of Panama.

  HAY — We cannot, of course, do that: it would look like a violation of neutrality. Really, the situation is embarrassing. I wish those hot-headed southern Republics would be good.

  MOR. — Well, sir, if you have nothing to propose, I shall speak of the matter in the Senate.

  HAY — Oh, thank you so much. I promise you that we will await the conclusion of your remarks before taking any action in the Nicaraguan matter.

  Mor. (aside) — Hoist with my own petard!

  [Exit Morgan; Hay goes to telephone.]

  HAY — Hello! Give me the Secretary of the Navy.

  Telephone — Br-r-r-r-r-rrr.

  HAY — That you, Moody? Have you sent those fifteen warships to the Isthmus? — and the two thousand marines? And have they orders that if any Colombian soldier set foot on the sacred soil of Panama they are to shoot him on the spot?

  TEL. — Br-r-r-r-rzz — spot him on the snoot.

  HAY — All right. I’ll draft a canal treaty with the Panaman Junta at once. The President has his ear to the ground and says that there is a pretty strong sentiment down there in favor of admittance into this Union. Truly this is a wonderful century.

  TEL. — People are saying that we fomented this Panama rebellion.

  HAY — Oh, Moody; how unjust!

  A WHITE HOUSE IDYL

  President Roosevelt. Shonts, Engineer of the Panama Canal. Loeb, Private Secretary to the President. The Adversary of Souls. The Press.

  ACT I

  PRESIDENT (solus):

  There!—’tis to be a lock canal. Now let The dirt fly.

  [Enter Shonts.]

  SHONTS:

  Very well, sir, don’t you fret; It will, right speedily, I’m sure. But I — I’m getting out of this concern. I fly!

  [Exit Shonts.]

  PRESIDENT:

  Now let the heathen rage: their pet sea-level Canal has gone a-glimmering to the devil.

  [Enter Loeb with a card.] What’s this? “The Adversary.” Just my luck —

  Without a rake I get all kinds of muck.

  Always that Democrat appears if! But mention him — I really wonder why.

  Of one too many he’s the one. Go say (sighing)

  That I’ll not see him — I’ve seen Shonts today.

  LOEB:

  The gentleman is in the waiting room.

  I think he wants to talk about your “boom.”

  PRESIDENT:

  Wants an appointment in my Cabinet, And there’s no vacancy.

  LOEB:

  O — you forget —

  There’s Hitchcock.

  [Enter Adversary.]

  PRESIDENT:

  Ah, good morning, sir. Delighted!

  (aside)

  The fellow never waits till he’s invited.

  ADVERSARY:

  Sir, we have overlooked the unwritten law Forbidding a third term. You must withdraw.

  PRESIDENT (aside):

  Come to torment me! How this horrid shape, Grinning behind his hand like any ape, Maddens to candor. (Aloud) Brute! you might delay Your triumph until I have had my day And nations weep, in slow procession walking —

  ADVERSARY:

  For him who dug the great canal by talking. ‘Twere long to wait unless your tongue were made By miracle divine into a spade.

  PRESIDENT:

  Take that, you beast!

  [Beats him and chases him off the stage, losing his temper in the scuffle.’]

  LOEB (solus):

  The rogues fall out — sic semper. As honest man, I will annex his temper.

  [Puts President’s temper under his coat and exit.]

  ACT II

  THE PRESS (solum):

  The President “received” last night — all smiles, Charming the throng with amiable wiles. But Loeb, with flaming eyes and flying feet, Sprang in and kicked them all into the street!

  TWO FAVORITES

  Wood, a Medicated Warrior. Miles, a Soldier. Satan, a Statesman. Chorus of Citizens.

  MILES (to Wood):

  Sir, I have ventured to observe with what I — hope is a becoming modesty, that not In vain have been your sacrifices, nor Quite thrown away your aptitude for war. Service and genius — these are things that count, With (if you’re cavalry) the skill to mount. Somewhat, too, doubtless, it promotes your gains In rank and honors to possess the brains To know enough to go in when it rains.

  WOOD:

  Some know enough to note the fine effect Of sunshine on their uniform.

  MILES:

  Correct:

  IVe keener joy to see the daybeam smite My gay attire than you to see it light Your military record. Let’s get through — I’d rather bandy swords than words with you. But you’re a man of peace — a doctor, sir; To save life, not to take it, you prefer; And in the Spanish War your taste was shown In saving with consummate skill your own. By that you earned, according to my notion, More leather medals, not so much promotion.

  CHORUS OF CITIZENS:

  By that he earned, according to our notion, More leather medals, not so much promotion.

  MILES:

  When you’re a general in chief command, May peace dwell ever in this happy land!

  CHORUS OF CITIZENS:

  When he’s a general in chief command, May peace dwell ever in this happy land!

  WOOD:

  From Santiago’s veins I drained the fever.

  MILES:


  When shown by Lawton how to make it leave her.

  WOOD:

  I washed Havana.

  MILES:

  Yes, you made the mud flow Right lively when you had been taught by Ludlow.

  WOOD:

  My service —

  MILES:

  ‘Twas of silver, was it not? — Given you by gamblers for the Lord knows what I Well, take your honors — they’re well earned, I think, By working for yourself with printer’s ink And feats of fawning — all the arts, in fine, Whereby our peace-time heroes rise and shine.

  Rather than witness more of your intrigues I’ll mount a bronco and ride thirty leagues!

  WOOD:

  Well, two Administrations, you’ll agree, I have been served and honored by.

  SATAN:

  Dear me, I’ve had the favor and support of three.

  A DIPLOMATIC TRIUMPH

  President Roosevelt. Secretary of State Hay.

  THE PRESIDENT — Say, John, I wish you would see the Chinese Minister and tell him that Russia is complaining that China does not observe a strict neutrality. Tell him that she is imperiling her administrative entity.

  SECRETARY HAY — I have already done so, sir; and I ventured to add that an oyster schooner that had just arrived from below had a very large mast.

  THE P. — What the dickens had that to do with it?

  S. H. — Ah, you are not skilled in the language of diplomacy; it was an oblique reference to the “big stick.” The Chink understood; he was born on one of the days before yesterday.

  THE P. — And what did he say?

  S. H. — Everything: put his hands into his long sleeves, crossed them on his breast and bowed three times, profoundly silent. Then he retired.

  THE P. — I am from Wyoming and you’ll have to explain.

  S. H. — It’s all right. I at once summoned the other Ambassadors (except the Russian and the Japanese) and told them that you had made the most forcible representations to the Chinese Empress regarding her Majesty’s breaches —

  THE P. — Her what? You said that?

  S. H. — Of neutrality. They were greatly impressed.

  THE P. — What did they say?

  S. H. — What could they say? They bowed and went out, one by one, leaving the door open. The Open Door is what we stand for. It is all over.

  THE P. — Except the shouting.

  S. H. — Secretary Loeb will see to that. He has prepared a statement of the incident for the press.

  [Tumult within — cheers and fissions.]

  THE P. — What’s that?

  S. H. — The shouting.

  A SUCKED ORANGE

  The President. Root, Secretary of State.

  ROOT:

  O world-power President, strenuous, mightymouthed, audible, able, Director of destiny, arbiter morum, compeller of princes, Why this dejected demeanor, this sighing that signifies something Gone wrong with the organ wherewith you were happy aforetime? O, keep me No longer a-guessing: divulge to your faithful Elihu the hidden Vermicular monster that gnaws at the core of the executive bosom —

  Nay, feeds on the damask of that which mainly attests your distinction.

  PRESIDENT:

  Alas, ‘tis no worm that is secretly plying the hardy incision; From troubles intestinal I and my country have present exemption —

  Albeit the Democrats, turbulent ever and always disloyal, Continue to shout of political contributions, demanding A needless accounting, and some hint at restitution. My sorrow Has better foundation. King Edward of England has joined the Mikado In making a shameless alliance to tighten their grip upon Asia!

  ROOT:

  Why, surely, my master, we have the advantage: this compact secures us Continuous peace in the Orient, gives us the door that is open.

  Prevents the partition of China — in brief it establishes firmly All that my great predecessor (aside) (whom the Angel of Death, in his wisdom, Removed from my path to the White House)

  (aloud) so gallantly strove to accomplish.

  PRESIDENT:

  What’s that got to do with it, idiot? A broad-minded statesman (behold him!) O’erlooks, like a man on a stepladder, trivial and transient advantage, Discerning the meaning and menace of methods that mark the achievement.

  Not once in all the proceedings that led to this hardy alliance Was uttered, or written, or thought of, the name of Theodore Roosevelt!

  [Exit.]

  ROOT (solus):

  O, dammit! why should they consult him? — there wasn’t a roasting chestnut To pull from the fire — and his fingers still smart from the Peace of Portsmouth.

  A TWISTED TALE

  Roosevelt, President. Hay, Secretary of State. Cassini, Russian Ambassador.

  HAY:

  Good morning, Count. Sir, are you well to-day?

  CASSINI:

  Quite well, I thank your Excellency. Pray

  Inform me if your physical condition

  Is satisfactory to your physician.

  HAY:

  O — no, indeed:’ I’m sounder than an apple.

  CASSINI (aside):

  The fellow’s wormy.

  HAY:

  Now, then, let us grapple

  With “Bessarabian outrages” and such.

  Some recent — ah — um — er — have pained us much.

  Christians and Jews alike are up in arms

  Here in America, and this alarms

  The President. He tells me I’m expected

  To take a firm stand till the thing’s corrected.

  CASSINI:

  So good of him! That means there’s trouble brewing:

  If we stay wicked there’ll be “something doing.”

  If, for example, we ignore your cross talk

  You’ll send a monitor to Vladivostok.

  HAY:

  O no, my friend, it might mean more than play

  If public sentiment could have its way.

  Our people are so wroth it might mean war

  Did naught prevent — but that’s what I am for.

  As ‘tis, it means that an election’s coming,

  And to succeed we’ve got to keep things humming.

  CASSINI:

  In other words, it means just nothing.

  HAY:

  Yes, That is about the size of it, I guess.

  The Jewish vote, you understand —

  CASSINI:

  I see:

  To help you get it you apply to me;

  And my Imperial Master is the cat

  To pull your chestnuts from the fire.

  Well, “Scat, You beast!” is not the right command.

  HAY:

  My noble friend, you do not understand.

  What I shall offer to you for transmission

  Is nothing but a courteous petition,

  Which if you pocket (winking) on your own head be it.

  I shall have done my duty as I see it.

  CASSINI:

  But how about your master?

  HAY:

  He’s all right; He must make faces, but he need not fight.

  CASSINI:

  Hand in the document without delay —

  ‘Twill go on file. I bid you, sir, good day.

  [Exit Cassini; enter Roosevelt.]

  ROOSEVELT:

  Well, John, I trust you broke no bones.

  Did you Caution that candle-eater what we’ll do

  If one more Hebrew they annoy? Does he

  Clearly perceive they’ll have to deal with Me?

  HAY:

  Well, I should say so! Sir, I plainly said

  You’d heap their land with tumuli of dead;

  Hang by the heels the Czar until he’d weep

  His shoes full; load the sanguinary deep

  With battleships until ‘twould overwhelm

  The seaboard cities of their monkey realm;

  Encumber it with wrecks and floating carcasses!

  ROOSEVELT:

  That programme is
more strenuous than Marcus’s —

  Hanna, my master. He would never dare

  To twist the tail of the fierce Russian bear.

  I’m big enough to tackle any brute!

  [Exit Roosevelt.)

  HAY (solus):

  I too am quite a sizable galoot.

  POST MORTEM

  The President. Miles, Commander of the Army. Root, Secretary of War. Loeb, Private Secretary to President. Hull, Chairman of Committee on Military Affairs. An Orderly.

  ACT I

  Headquarters of the Army.

  MILES (in bed):

  What ho, there! orderly — I say, I say! Bring in my breakfast. What’s the time o’ day? What? six o’clock! — and day’s already broke? I’m too late to escape him. Holy smoke! I think I hear his footstep on the stair — But no, it is not his: there is no blare Of a great trumpet strenuously blown — That veritable tuba mirum known To have sounded once the charge at Kettle Hill (After ‘twas made) and to be sounding still.