The Three-Legged Hootch Dancer: Tales of the Galactic Midway, Vol. 2

by Mike Resnick

  “You expect them to get sick again?” asked Tojo.

  “These things ain't housecats, Tojo,” said Monk. “They're hard enough to keep alive in zoos. If a leopard makes up his mind to die, the best vet in the world ain't gonna talk him out of it."

  “How's Bruno doing?” asked Flint.

  “Mean as ever. But he ain't exactly the smartest bear that ever lived. It took me five years to drill five minutes’ worth of tricks into that pea-sized brain of his. There's no way I'm ever going to fill a twenty-minute act with just him.

  Besides,” he added with a smile, “we're not real fond of each other."

  “I'll have Mr. Ahasuerus get in touch with Kargennian and see what he can arrange."

  “Okay—but I'd still like to go out there and hunt up my own animals."

  Flint shook his head. “No way. I can't put the Dancer on for a whole hour."

  “How about Houdini?” persisted Monk.

  “He's good for seven minutes, tops,” said Flint. He looked toward the airlock, where the magician was just entering the ship. “Speaking of the devil..."

  “Good evening, Mr. Flint,” said Houdini, walking toward the elevator.

  “Gentlemen."

  “What are you doing up so late?” asked Flint.

  “I was helping Gloria balance her receipts at the specialty tent, sir."

  “You mean she's still working on them?” demanded Flint unbelievingly.

  “Actually, we were talking,” replied Houdini. “I wasn't aware that there was a deadline."

  “There's not,” said Flint. “Well, don't just stand there looking awkward. Pull up a chair and have a beer."

  “I thank you for the invitation, sir,” said the magician, “but my metabolism cannot cope with alcohol."

  “Better and better,” said Flint. “Come join us anyway."

  “I would like to, sir,” said Houdini, “but I'm afraid that I cannot use your chairs."

  “Then come on over and don't pull up a chair,” said Flint irritably.

  ’”Thank you, sir,” said Houdini, walking across the mess hall and joining them. “Should I ask Billybuck Dancer to join us also?"

  “Leave him alone,” said Monk. “He's busy shooting it out with Doc Holliday."

  “I am afraid I don't understand."

  “Don't worry about it,” said Monk. “He's happy where he is."

  “So,” said Flint, “how do you like carny life so far?"

  “It's quite different from Kargennian's circus, sir."

  “In what way? And stop calling me sir."

  “Yes, sir,” replied Houdini. “I find that everyone here is more involved in things. You all seem to take a vital interest in the success of the operation."

  “That's because we ain't got anyplace to go if it folds,” said Monk with a smile. “You sure you won't have a beer? Thaddeus loves to give it away."

  “Really, I cannot,” said the magician.

  “By the way,” added Monk, “I've been meaning to tell you I've caught your act a few times, and you're pretty damn good."

  “Thank you very much, sir,” replied Houdini.

  “That sounds kind of nice,” laughed Monk. “You can call me sir whenever the mood takes you."

  “I haven't seen your act yet,” said Diggs. “Just how good are you?"

  “I try my best, sir,” said Houdini. “That's all I can tell you."

  “No false modesty around here,” said Monk. “Like I said, you're good."

  Diggs pulled a deck of cards out of his pocket. “Ever do any tricks with these things, Houdini?"

  The magician shook his head. “Gloria has told me to borrow a deck and start learning how to do tricks with them but so far I haven't found the time."

  “Nothing to it,” grinned Diggs. “Pick a card."

  Houdini pulled a card and looked at it.

  “Got it memorized?” asked Diggs. “Good. Now put it back."

  Houdini replaced the card, and Diggs shuffled the deck thoroughly. “Now pick a number from one to ten."

  “Seven,” said Houdini.

  Diggs gave the deck one final shuffle, then dealt out six cards and turned the seventh one up.

  “Is that it?” he asked.

  “Yes, it is!” exclaimed Houdini. “Now I know why Gloria wanted me to learn card tricks. That was very impressive, sir!"

  “Just Diggs will do. Or Rigger, if you prefer. Here,” he added, handing the deck to Houdini. “Let's see what you can do with them."

  The magician went through the cards one by one, asking Diggs to identify the court cards and the names of the suits. Then he shuffled them tentatively a couple of times and had Diggs pick a card.

  The process was the same, up until the result, at which point the card turned up fourth when the Rigger's number was five.

  “I see it will take long hours of practice,” said Houdini glumly.

  “Don't sell yourself short,” said Monk. “For a guy who's never held a deck of cards before, that's damned good work."

  “And these are just for tricks?” asked the magician.

  “We play games with ‘em from time to time,” said Diggs, a look of predation passing swiftly over his face. “I don't suppose you'd like to learn one?"

  “I should be honored, sir,” replied Houdini.

  Diggs began explaining the basics of poker, while Tojo leaned over to Flint and whispered: “You've got to stop this, Thaddeus. It's not right to fleece one of our own!"

  “View it as a learning experience,” whispered Flint with a smile. “I'll stop it if it gets out of hand."

  They played three hands of draw, and Diggs lost all three.

  “It's really very simple, isn't it, sir?” asked Houdini.

  “Diggs. And yes, it is. In fact, sometimes it gets so out-and-out dull that we make little bets, just to amuse ourselves.” He cocked an eyebrow. “I don't suppose you'd be interested?"

  “Well, as long as it's just a small bet..."

  “Fine,” said Diggs with a grin. “Shall we say five credits?"

  The magician nodded, and Diggs dealt another hand. Houdini won again, and Diggs doubled the bet. This time Houdini had a straight to the Rigger's two pairs.

  “You're getting good at this,” said Diggs grudgingly. “Care to double the stakes again?"

  “If we do nothing but double them, then sooner or later we're going to wind up even,” pointed out the magician. “Why don't I just return your money now?"

  “Well, if the thought of breaking even bothers you, we might as well start playing this man-to-man, if you'll pardon the expression."

  “I thought we were."

  “Well, actually, it's customary to bet at the beginning of the hand and bet again after the draw."

  “But why not just determine the amount of the bets and play for that sum?” asked Houdini.

  Diggs went on to explain the art of bluffing and of backing one's cards with coin of the realm, and finally Houdini nodded.

  They played three more hands. Diggs won a small pot and Houdini won two rather large ones.

  “Well,” said Diggs, closing in for the kill, “I seem to be out almost two hundred credits."

  “I am sorry,” said Houdini. “Again, if you wish, I will simply return your money."

  “Why don't we play one last hand?” asked Diggs.

  “But you seem to be having such poor luck,” said the magician.

  “Well, now, luck's a funny thing. It can change on a second's notice."

  “Not tonight, Rigger,” said Flint, picking up on Diggs’ signal.

  “The hell it won't!” snapped Diggs.

  “Forget it,” said Flint. “He's too good for you."

  “Screw you, Thaddeus!” snarled Diggs. He turned to face the magician.

  “We'll play this one for five hundred credits!"

  “But—"

  “No goddamned carny owner is gonna say that Digger the Rigger's over the hill! Come on, Houdini—put up your money!"

&nbs
p; “But I don't have that much with me."

  “I'll take your marker."

  “My what?” asked the magician.

  “If I win, you can owe it to me,” said Diggs, reaching into his pocket and slapping five one-hundred-credit notes on the table. “Ready?"

  The magician shrugged. “I guess so."

  Diggs dealt out the cards, and Flint stood up and walked behind Houdini to see what he had. The magician held four jacks and a two of spades.

  “Jacks or better to open?” asked Flint.

  “By me,” said Diggs. “I can't make it."

  “I believe I can,” said Houdini. “I feel guilty about this, sir, but I must bet all of my accumulated winnings."

  “Damn!” muttered Diggs, reaching into his pocket for another two hundred credits. “All I needed was one decent hand!” He placed the notes on the table. “I'll take three cards,” he said, reaching for the deck.

  “Excuse me, sir,” said Houdini, “but I believe I go first."

  “Huh? Ain't you standing pat?"

  “I do not know the expression,” admitted the magician, “but I would like two cards, please.” He threw away a jack and the deuce.

  “But—"

  “My cards, please,” said Houdini, smiling pleasantly.

  Diggs glared at him silently for a minute, then disgustedly dealt two cards.

  “Dealer takes three,” he announced, taking three cards for himself.

  “I believe I have a full house, sir,” said Houdini with a smile. He turned over the two cards to reveal a pair of kings. “And you, of course, have a pair of kings—one that you kept and one that you drew."

  “Goddamned three-legged card shark,” said Diggs, scowling and throwing his cards onto the table.

  Flint and Monk emitted roars of delighted laughter.

  “That was a very deftly performed shuffle, sir,” said Houdini politely. “I assure you that only a magician would have noticed it."

  “Fuck you!” snapped Diggs, shouting to be heard over the laughter.

  “I like poker,” continued Houdini. “It's an invigorating game. Perhaps we can play again tomorrow, and let someone else deal. I really have no desire for your money."

  “You keep out of my way for a few days, you hear?” growled Diggs. He stood up. “I'm going to bed."

  Flint and Monk were still laughing as he left the mess hall and took the elevator to his room.

  “Welcome to the club, Houdini!” said Flint. “If you weren't one of us before, you sure as hell are now!"

  “Thank you, sir,” replied the magician.

  “Are you sure you've never seen a deck of cards before?"

  “Well, not with those particular figures and numbers on them,” replied Houdini with a smile.

  “Houdini,” said Monk, “I think you and I are going to be friends. Ain't nobody flim-flammed the Rigger since I done it back on Earth."

  “With cards, sir?” asked the magician.

  “Nope. Just as well—nobody fools him twice. I'd be real careful if I played him again."

  “I shall take your advice to heart,” said Houdini sincerely. “I only hope he isn't too mad."

  “So what if he is?” said Flint. “He had it coming."

  “He'll get over it,” put in Tojo. “He just doesn't like to appear foolish in front of his friends."

  “I should have probably let him win,” said the magician. “It's just that I don't like to appear foolish either."

  “You're quite a guy, Houdini!” said Flint.

  “Thank you, sir."

  “God, I love to see the Rigger lose!” continued Flint. “You've made my week."

  “Then I wonder if I might ask you a favor, sir."

  “Shoot."

  “It's not for myself,” said Houdini hastily.

  Suddenly Flint's face hardened. “If it's for your girlfriend, the answer's no."

  “I don't understand the term ‘girlfriend,’ sir, but I assume you are referring to Gloria."

  “I am."

  “And you are refusing my request before you even hear it?"

  “There is only one thing in the world she wants, and I just can't give it to her."

  “But she's so unhappy just taking tickets,” persisted Houdini.

  “Did she put you up to this?” demanded Flint.

  “No!” exclaimed the magician, suddenly upset. “I think she would be quite mad at me for broaching the subject. Please don't tell her about this conversation, sir!"

  “I won't,” said Flint, his expression softening. “But damn it, Houdini, there's not a thing I can do for her. I met her halfway on Procyon and it wasn't enough."

  “Perhaps a world where her art is appreciated...” suggested Houdini.

  “If there was such a world, I'd make it our next stop just to shut her up.

  Jesus! Do you think I enjoy watching her walk around like Death warmed over?"

  “But she has described her act to me, and I must admit that I find it fascinating."

  “Would you pay money to watch her undress?” said Flint. “If you can truthfully tell me you would, we'll take off for your world tomorrow."

  Houdini met his gaze with a troubled expression. “That's not a fair question, sir."

  “It's not a fair situation,” responded Flint. “What's your answer?"

  “No,” said Houdini at last. “I wouldn't pay to watch her."

  “I know,” replied Flint.

  “Then is she to spend the rest of her life counting other people's money?"

  “It sure as hell looks like it,” said Flint, wondering what he had found so side-splittingly funny only a few moments ago."

  * * *

  Chapter 15

  Good morning,” said Gloria, as Houdini approached her on the lichen-covered knoll. “I'll be with you in a minute."

  She finished her last twenty sit-ups, then propped herself up against one of the huge, yellow-leafed ferns and wiped her face with a towel.

  “Good morning, Gloria,” said the magician. “May I join you?"

  “Of course. I hear you got involved in a little card game last night."

  “It was nothing."

  “That's not the way I heard it. Monk is going around telling anyone who will listen to him how you conned the Rigger."

  “It was really a case of the biter getting bitten,” replied Houdini with a smile. “Had he not tried to stack the cards against me, I would not have been able to anticipate the nature of his hand."

  “Well, Thaddeus is fond of saying that you should never try to bullshit a bullshitter. I guess it applies to card sharks too,” she said, returning his smile. “I'm very proud of you for standing up to them."

  “Them?” he repeated, puzzled. “It was only Diggs."

  “Nonsense. It was all of them, except maybe Tojo."

  “The only person I played cards with was Diggs."

  “But Thaddeus and Monk knew what he was trying to do to you. They could have warned you."

  “It is only natural that they did not. After all, Diggs is one of them. I am not."

  “The hell you're not!” she said firmly. “Stop being so self-effacing! You work for the show, don't you? That's the only qualification anyone's ever needed. It's the carnies against the marks."

  “Well, they did seem delighted that Diggs lost,” he admitted thoughtfully.

  “And even Diggs himself came around this morning to tell me that he bore me no grudge. I offered to give him back his money again, but he refused to accept it—so tonight we are playing a new game called blackjack. I gather that Mr. Flint has agreed to deal, so as to avoid any misunderstandings."

  “Keep an eye on him,” warned Gloria. “He's almost as good with a deck of cards as Diggs is."

  “Really? He is quite a remarkable man. I understand that he is also the best barker the show possesses, and I have been told that he once jumped into the training cage—many years back, to be sure—when Monk was being attacked by a trio of cats. Is that true?"
/>   “I've heard the same story,” said Gloria. “I suppose it is true but I always thought it wasn't so much heroism as the thought of losing a top attraction. Besides, he likes to fight; maybe he thought the cats would give him a good workout."

  “Did they?"

  She laughed. “Monk says he scared them off just by yelling at them. Of course, you can't always believe what Monk says ... and if Thaddeus’ lips are moving, it's a fifty-fifty chance that he's lying.” Her face clouded over with bitterness. “Especially if he's making promises."

  She tossed the towel aside and started work on her stretching exercises.

  Houdini stared expressionlessly at her.

  “Don't just stand there like a lump,” she said. “I can talk and bend at the same time."

  “I don't know quite what to say,” he admitted.

  “That's a novelty!” she laughed. “You've hardly shut up for the past four days."

  “I can't help wondering why you maintain your daily regimen with such vigor when it is apparent that you will not be performing."

  “It's not apparent to me!” she snapped. “One of these days we're going to hit a world with humans, instead of just humanoids. I've got to keep fit."

  He shook his head sadly. “When Mr. Ahasuerus says there are no such worlds, other than your own, he is telling the truth. Besides,” he added with a smile, “I was raised to believe that I was a human and you were a humanoid."

  “Really?"

  He nodded his head. “It is the truth. Each race likes to think of itself as being in the true image of God, and views all other races as somehow aberrant. Mine is no different."

  “You mean you believe in God?” she asked, surprised.

  “Certainly,” said Houdini. “Don't you?"

  “I used to."

  “It is curious,” mused the magician. “The only member of your race who admits to the existence of God is Tojo, and yet he would seem to have less reason than any of the others."

  “Because of the way he looks, you mean?” asked Gloria.

  “And the way he sounds,” agreed Houdini. “If he believes in God, then he must surely believe that God has deserted him. It would seem far more sensible for, say, Mr. Flint, an obviously successful man, to spend his days praising his God, and yet he scoffs at the concept."