Love In Darkness

by E. M. Tippetts

  “All right. I’m glad we had this talk.”

  I roll my eyes and look out the window. John never liked me. I was the one hitch in his grand plan to save his sister from her previous situation here in town, and I have a ton of respect for the guy. He and Madison had been apart for fifteen years when he found out she wasn’t being treated well by their mother. When Madison made it clear she wanted to stay in town for the last year of high school, he moved from Utah to Pelican Bluffs and gave her a good home, away from all the drama.

  “So, I don’t know what your game is, not answering her last letter. The way you’ve treated her should make her want to give up on you, only this is my sister we’re talking about. You’re giving me flashbacks of the Kailie situation. You remember that whole thing?”

  Kailie, as in Kailie Beale. Do I ever remember.

  The first memory that pops into my head is of Madison being dragged off to the high school nurse’s office, both hands clasped over her face and blood dripping off her chin and onto her shirt. For weeks she had two black eyes, and while Kailie wasn’t the one to kick her, she’d incited another girl to do it.

  What made the situation worse was that a day or so after this happened, I saw Madison hug Kailie in the hallway, best friends, as if nothing had happened.

  Then there was the time Kailie texted everyone at school to say that Madison had performed a lewd act on me. That was before Madison and I were even dating.

  A few days after that, Kailie attempted suicide and Madison saved her life. She broke into the Beales’ home and called an ambulance. How did Kailie repay Madison that kindness?

  Like this: A few weeks later, after Madison and I got together, I was sound asleep in my bed when I woke up to find someone straddling me. I suppose Kailie thought this would be alluring, that I’d wake up to her body pressed to mine and her lips parted, ready for a deep kiss, and that I’d want to make passionate love to her, but my reflexes don’t work that way. I’d never been straddled by a girl before, it was always by other guys trying to beat the crap out of me. And the four point pin, where your opponent is down on all fours on top of you? That’s a nasty pin. It’s hard to break, so I didn’t just shove her off. I pulled my knees up to my chest and kicked as hard as I could. I think Kailie took to the air.

  “What is your problem?” she demanded as she picked herself up off my floor. I have a big room, and that’s the only reason why she didn’t hit a wall. She stood there wearing a lingerie something or other, her deep blue eyes indignant, her stance firm, hands planted on her hips. She wasn’t an ugly girl, but she was the kind of skinny that is only attractive because it makes women confident.

  “Put your clothes on,” I said.

  “You don’t even know what to do, do you?”

  “Yeah, I do. I’m going to give you three seconds to leave, or I throw you out the window.”

  “Madison’s not putting out. You can’t convince me that she is.”

  Kailie had this backwards. I was the one not “putting out” because I was a baptized member of the Church at this point. “You,” I said to Kailie, “are not even remotely attractive. Put your clothes on.”

  “Oh please. You don’t have to do the whole loyal boyfriend act.”

  “It’s not an act.”

  “You don’t ever want to take the edge off?”

  “Of what? My sanity? Seriously, get out before I call the police.” Kailie was the one person in town who Officer Li, our local cop, disliked as much as he disliked me. Both she and I had long rap sheets from all of our underage drinking and other stupid antics.

  “A-alex,” she sing-songed, pulling at the straps of her lingerie.

  I picked up my cellphone. “Do anything else like that and I’m texting pictures to the entire senior class, who will laugh at you. Laugh, Kailie. You’re pathetic.”

  Her eyes widened and she gave me a baleful look before she picked up her jeans and shirt from where they lay crumpled on the floor, and pulled them back on. “You could do better.”

  “There is no one better. Get out.”

  She huffed her way out my open window, which I shut behind her. Pelican Bluffs is a quiet town. People sleep with their windows open all the time, even on the first floor. It’s a little tricky to get to my bedroom window on the second floor, but it is possible. I would know, I sneaked out all the time.

  I sat down on my bed and called Madison.

  “Mmmph?” she answered.

  “Hey, sorry to wake you up.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Kailie was just here, in my room, in lingerie. She thought maybe she’d try to sleep with me tonight. You know, typical best friend stuff.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “What do you have to be sorry about?”

  “Well, she wouldn’t have tried it if you weren’t with me.”

  I paused to savor those words. I was “with” Madison. We were a unit, a couple.

  “Listen,” said Madison, “don’t tell anyone else, but Kailie’s bipolar. She just got diagnosed.”

  “I’m shocked.” You may have noticed, I have a sarcasm problem.

  “Don’t say that.”

  “Bipolar disorder doesn’t make you climb into your best friend’s boyfriend’s window in lingerie.”

  “Are you mad at me?”

  “No, I’m mad at her. Why aren’t you mad at her?”

  “Because everyone’s always mad at her. She hasn’t got anyone on her side.”

  “Because she’s an awful person, okay?”

  For a moment, Madison was silent. Then I heard a sniffle.

  “Hey,” I said. “I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t know what it’s like for her. Mental illness has a stigma, and even her own parents don’t know how to deal.”

  “Come on. Think about this. I do know about mental illness, the stigma, and families not dealing well with-”

  “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t tell her to climb in through your window.” She began to cry in earnest.

  And I felt awful. I’d made her cry when all I’d tried to do was look out for her. The simple truth was, she was so loyal to Kailie that nothing that girl did could turn Madison against her. It’d taken me the better part of an hour to cheer Madison up again and convince her I wasn’t angry with her.

  I come back to myself, still in John’s van as it rattles its way along the top of the bluffs with the deep blue ocean far below, beating itself to froth against the rocky beach. He’s driven us on a loop out of town that will pass through Sequoia Ridge, and then back to Pelican Bluffs.

  I look over at him “Madison even annoyed with me?”

  “Nope,” says John. “She’s just wondering what she did wrong. You broke her heart and then ground the pieces into dust and then dumped the dust off the end of the world and then laughed it all off.”

  “I didn’t laugh.”

  “Oh gee, that makes you so decent. Here’s another thing. Someone ended up getting sent home from his mission early. Got real bad malaria. You might have heard of him. Carson Montrose?”

  He was the guy I stole Madison from on our movie date, and is your stereotypical, clean-cut Mormon guy. Before I was baptized, he was the only male member of the Church in our age group. Every other girl vied for his attention, but he’s always had his heart set on Madison. He’s been infatuated since kindergarten.

  Even worse? He was never a jerk to me after I took her from him on that date. He wasn’t just polite to me, he was nice and decent. He didn’t even gloat when I got my mission call and ended things with her. Really, there isn’t a bad thing I can say about the guy. He’s exactly what Madison deserves.

  I shut my eyes and remember going from that ruined date of theirs to our my first kiss with Madison, when I backed her up against the door, those blue eyes looking up at me with just the slightest touch of fear. I remember the smooth skin of her cheek, the cherry lip gloss taste of her lips, the sound of her soft moan as I kissed her neck.

 
“Alex,” John snaps.

  “Yeah...”

  “I’m a guy, okay? The strong, silent act doesn’t do much for me. I asked you a question. Will you promise to leave my sister alone?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Wrong answer.”

  It’s hard to talk in this van. I have to shout to be heard. “I need to talk to her.”

  “About?”

  “Everything.”

  “Forget it.”

  I pick at a piece of lint on my jeans.

  “She’s also gotten into two good schools,” says John. “Utah Valley University and CalPoly, and she will be going to one in the fall and you will not interfere with that.”

  No point answering him.

  “And Carson is going to BYU. If things work out with them, she can go to UVU and be near him.”

  “You’ve got this all planned out, don’t you?” I say.

  “You got a better plan?”

  No point being anything but honest. I shake my head.

  “Good. Um… so… why is there a cop in your driveway?”

  I peer out the windshield; we’re back on the road that leads to my house now and even though we aren’t close yet, from here we can see what does indeed look like a police cruiser in my driveway.

  John glances at me again and I feel the van surge forward as he steps a little harder on the gas.

  As we get closer, I see that a guy in plain clothes with black hair buzzed short sits on the hood of the cruiser. He turns, and I note with shock that it’s Officer Li, the same cop we had when I left on my mission. Only I’ve never seen him like this, out of uniform, no mirror shades, and with cheeks chapped red from crying. Surely this is a delusion.

  But John shoots me a baffled look that tells me he sees this too.

  As his name would suggest, Officer Li is Asian American, full blood, and he fits the stereotype of a short macho guy, always strutting around like he’s got something to prove and treating the people he busts with callous indifference. Which isn’t to say I didn’t deserve it every time he busted me, I did. I just didn’t like it.

  John pulls the van into my driveway, next to the cruiser and I look over at him again to make sure he’s reacting as if he sees what I do. His baffled stare across the dashboard tells me what I need to know. If this is a delusion, it’s a really elaborate one. Either I’m in John’s van, in my driveway, with Officer Li parked next to us, or I’m so far gone that my body could be wandering just about anywhere while my mind has cut loose completely. I’m not sure, at the moment, which I would prefer.

  I open my door and step out into the strong, biting wind off the sea. There are no trees between my house and the edge of the bluffs to create a windbreak, just barren rock.

  “Hey, Alex,” is all the cop says.

  I raise an eyebrow and slam the van door shut behind me.

  He purses his lips in a regretful smile and nods at something on the far side of his car. I step around, and see that the something is actually a someone. A little guy, maybe two years old, squats down at the edge of the driveway, making a long line of rocks from the corner of the garage along a groove in the concrete. He’s very slow and meticulous about which rocks he selects from the rock garden and nothing seems to distract him, not the wind, not John and me pulling up, not me staring at him, nothing.

  “Hello, John.” Officer Li’s voice is flat, as if he’s used up his allotment of emotions for the day.

  “Hi. I should go. Alex…” He sighs in exasperation. “Welcome home, all right?”

  I look back to see him get into the van and drive away, shaking his head with disgust over me, then I look at my old nemesis. The cop who arrested me enough times to have my mom’s number on speed dial. I haven’t changed my clothes in twenty hours and am in no condition to deal with whatever this is.

  Officer Li slides down off the hood of his car and jams his hands in his pockets. “I shouldn’t bother you, but I’m at the end of my rope.”

  I look in the windows of his car. There’s no carseat for this little guy, and there’s likely a story there. Officer Li doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who ignores any laws, ever.

  “You… you do work with people with… issues, right?” he says.

  The guy’s gotta know I’ve been gone for two years. Didn’t he miss slapping cuffs on me?

  “And your mom is the only other person I’ve ever known who’s like Mikey. Always off in her own world. Freaking out at weird stuff – no offense.”

  He thinks this toddler has schizophrenia? How stupid is this guy? Schizophrenia nearly always shows up in the late teens or early twenties, just like it did for me.

  “My wife stormed out on me. Because I was an idiot and said I might leave her.”

  That is way more information than I want.

  “I don’t know how to cope with this. I’m bad enough with kids. I mean, I don’t know what I’m doing. Carla always handles him, but she won’t even pick up her phone. If she leaves me, I’m screwed.” He’s on a roll now, pouring out his heart to me.

  And I really don’t want to hear it.

  “I know she’s had it rough. She’s young. Not much older than you, and she doesn’t know people here. I never had a ton of friends in this town, being the cop and trying to do my job, and-”

  “Dude,” I say. “Stop.”

  He looks at me, squares his shoulders, and I expect him to say something condescending. Instead what he says is, “Sorry. Listen, I need help. I’ll beg if you want. I’ll grovel. Please help me.”

  Not words I ever thought I’d hear out of this guy’s mouth. He returns my gaze a moment, the wind strong enough to ruffle even his close cropped hair, and then looks away. “I know. You think I’m an idiot too.”

  What I think is that this guy has shown up with a whole bunch of emotional garbage that I don’t need, and he’s interfering with my plans to go talk to Madison. The only thing that prevents me from going into the house and locking the door behind me is this toddler lining up rocks. He didn’t ask for any of this.

  I squat down next to him. Mikey, his dad called him. Now that I can see the little guy’s face, I notice he’s hapa like me; he’s got a white parent. I pick up a rock and hold it out. He takes it without acknowledging me and adds it to the line. I hand him another and this one I hang onto when he tries to take it.

  For a moment his mouth puckers like he’s about to scream and he shoots a desperate look at my chest. I let go of the rock and he calms again.

  “What did you just do?” Officer Li asks.

  I look up. “Handed him two rocks.”

  His eyes widen a little as if he doesn’t know whether I’m joking or just insulting him. After a conflicted moment, he shakes his head and chuckles. “Look, you got any idea what’s going on with him? Our pediatrician says he’ll just grow out of it but-”

  “He’s wrong,” I say. “Get a different doctor.”

  “Okay.” The cop accepts this without skepticism or argument. “So what do you think is wrong with him?” His expression is all query, which means he hasn’t got a clue.

  How can any parent in the twenty-first century not pick up on these symptoms? I reach down and block Mikey’s rock-line and say. “Mikey, inside.” I speak clearly and slowly enough for him to hear each word. Then I point at my house, my hand at chest level so that he can see it without looking me in the face.

  He pauses, a rock in his hand, and doesn’t react for a moment. Then he puts the rock back down, pulls his knees to his chest, and hugs himself tight.

  I get to my feet, sidle past Officer Li and his car, and jog down the stairs to my front door.

  The lock slides open easily as I turn the key and push the door in with a whoosh of the insulation strip sliding across the floor. Our sunken living room is immaculate as always. It’s the one room we don’t really use; it’s just for show. Two leather couches face each other across a dark wood coffee table, which has a row of round river stones down its middle. Some feng
shui thing my mother is into, I think. I step inside and turn to see if Officer Li is following, and he is, with Mikey in his arms. The boy begins to squirm the moment his father carries him over the threshold and as soon as he’s put down, he makes a beeline for the coffee table and those stones. I shut the door against that blasted wind and my ears ring in the resulting silence. Officer Li stands like a student hauled into the principal’s office. When I gesture for him to sit down, he goes over and perches on the edge of the couch as if he expects me to launch into a lecture.

  This is weird. It’s beyond weird. I head upstairs and grab my laptop off the bedside table. On my way back I make a quick detour to the den where I see my mom has moved to her favorite chair, the blue one with a kind of velvety upholstery, her arms folded, her jaw set. Something’s upset her, but Hiroko is there, singing softly in Japanese and pouring tea. Odds are, she’ll have my mother unbent and relaxed in record time – though, granted, record time could still be hours from now.

  I open the laptop and boot it up as I go down the hall to the office, so that once I’m there I can pull up the contact info for the autism specialist in Crescent City and hit “print”, then I do a quick search for other web resources on autism and print out page after page. The sooner I get Officer Li out of here, the sooner I can get to Madison. I grab the stack of papers from the printer and tap them against the table to line them up.

  Once back in the living room, I hold them out to Officer Li, who takes them and scans the first page. “This a better doctor?”

  “He specializes in diagnosing autism.”

  Officer Li looks up, startled. “Autism? Mikey has autism?”

  I shrug. “You should have him checked.”

  “I thought autism just made people a little socially awkward. Mikey he’s… just in his own world all the time. Doesn’t care what we say. He ignores us. We make him food and he doesn’t eat it. We do anything he doesn’t like, and he throws a tantrum that will go on for hours. I’m not exaggerating. Hours.”

  “You haven’t ever read anything on autism?” I say. “At all? Over one percent of the population has it.”

  “Really?”

  Yeah, I never liked this guy. I sit on the couch across from him while he leafs through the rest of the papers.