Dearest Rose

by Rowan Coleman

  ‘What if he’s blissfully happily married, got five kids and a dog? Or what if he’s gay, blissfully happily married, got five dogs and an S&M dungeon? Both of those scenarios are much more likely than the one you are hoping for, you know.’

  ‘I know,’ Rose said, although she didn’t know it at all. She was really very much more in denial about reality than she would ever let on. Something, some foolish notion that had wriggled its way into her heart and stayed there for years now, was convincing her that it was meant to be, when it came to her and Frasier; that eventually, no matter what horrors she had to endure and to fight against in her life under Richard, somehow, someday she would be with the man that was right for her. And because that time had to be now or never, Rose had not allowed herself to dwell too much on the terrifying possibility that she might – indeed, probably was – wrong, and had been for all these years. Because if she was wrong about Frasier then she had no idea what to do next.

  Rose combed her fingers through her long brown hair, looking at her sharp pale face peering back at her from the mirror. Always the same, timid, cowardly face. She was thirty-one years old and she still had the face of a little girl.

  ‘I do know that, I do. It’s just … oh, I don’t know. I realise how stupid it sounds that ten minutes of talking with a man seven years ago were the most … exciting of my life. But then again, have you seen my life?’

  ‘I have seen your life and it’s because of your life, and your fucking shit dad and shit husband that you think those ten minutes meant more than they did. That’s all I’m saying. I just don’t want you to get more hurt than you already are, darling. And the odds are that is exactly what will happen.’

  ‘So what about Ryan?’ Rose asked, lying back on Shona’s bed a little too quickly so that her curtain of hair covered her face.

  ‘I told you,’ Shona said stubbornly. ‘He wants me back, I’m thinking about it.’

  ‘He wants you back and you’re thinking about it? How is that any less crazy than me chasing Frasier across the country for a pipe dream?’ Rose propelled herself upwards in her frustation and fury. ‘Shona, Ryan hits you! He beats the living crap out of you because he’s had too much to drink, or a bad day, or you say something wrong, or don’t say something right. He wakes up looking for excuses to hurt you. He hit you when you were pregnant, he hits you in front of the boys, he went to prison for nearly killing you.’

  Rose struggled to find the right way to express herself, the exact words that meant that finally Shona would listen to her. ‘You’re so bright, so clever and strong. Why can’t you see this one blindingly obvious thing? If you take him back you will get hurt again, and who knows how badly this time.’

  Shona said nothing for a while as she cradled the bottle, her hair covering her face. Rose watched her, desperate for some sign that her friend was registering what she was saying.

  ‘But this time he’s changed …’

  ‘Oh, give me strength.’ Rose flung her hands above her head, letting their weight carry her back onto the bed with a thud. ‘Shona, listen to yourself!’

  ‘I am,’ Shona insisted, her eyes flashing in defiance. ‘I know him, I know him better than anyone. I’m not a fool, Rose. I know what I’d be taking on if I went back with him, I do. He has changed, and who else will give him a second chance if I don’t?’

  ‘Why does he deserve one?’ Rose said angrily.

  ‘Because Ryan’s not like Dickhead,’ Shona flashed back. ‘He’s got good reason to be angry, to lash out. His own dad beat the crap out of him since he was a baby, his mum never gave a toss. No one ever taught him how to love someone. The only way he knew of getting out his anger and frustration was with his fists. If anyone deserves a second chance, it’s him, isn’t it?’

  ‘No one who can hurt you the way he did deserves a second chance.’ Rose was adamant, but she could see that getting angry was just making Shona more determined. With some effort she softened her voice, reaching out to touch her friend.

  ‘Shona,’ she said gently, ‘my beautiful, brave, fierce, mad Shona, you aren’t afraid of anything except for Ryan. Remember wondering every moment what would be the next thing to make him explode? Trying your best to make everything perfect for him, knowing he would always find some excuse? Please, Sho, whatever you do next, you can’t take him back. If you won’t do it for you then think about the boys. Do you want them to grow up thinking it’s OK to treat women the way Ryan treats you?’

  ‘But I miss him, you see,’ Shona said quietly, a single tear tracking down her cheek. ‘Yes, I know how it sounds, I know how impossible it must be to understand, but I miss him. I miss his shelter, the way he used to protect me from the whole world. If … if I could just have that feeling, one more time, of being with Ryan, you know, when everything’s good between us and he’s trying extra hard to be sweet. And we’ll go to bed and it will be so special, the care and love he’ll show me, and then after, he’ll wrap his arms around me – his big strong arms – and hold on to me like I’m the most precious, loved thing in the world and that feeling … it’s … it’s …’ Shona couldn’t find the words she wanted. ‘I don’t know if I can ever feel that again unless it’s with him.’

  ‘You can,’ Rose said carefully. ‘You will, and next time the payoff won’t be a stay in hospital. Look, I’ve broken away from Richard, and I know it’s not really real yet, and that I’ve still got to face him and all the things I’m sure he’s planned for me, but … if I can, you can. You already have. You just need to stay strong.’

  ‘I did think about dyeing my hair,’ Shona said, clearly exhausted by having to fight against her own fierce feelings for a man she knew was bad for her, and swiftly turning the conversation to lighter things with a flippancy that Rose knew was more about self-defence than a blasé attitude. ‘This was on special at the garage too, but now I’m not so sure. What do you reckon?’ Shona reached into her bag and pulled out a home dyeing kit, featuring a golden-haired blonde on the cover. ‘Is it me?’

  Rose took the box from her and gazed at the photo of the woman glancing coquettishly back at her from over her naked shoulder, her luscious locks fanned out around her, like she didn’t have a care in the world. Never once, Rose thought again, not since she was a little girl, had she had her hair different from the way she was wearing it now, long, perfectly straight chestnut hair, reaching down to the middle of her back.

  ‘Do mine instead,’ she almost whispered, mostly to herself, half daring, half hiding from the impulsive thought.

  ‘What?’ Shona asked her, leaning dangerously forward on the dressing table stool to try to catch what she thought Rose had said.

  ‘Do mine! Why not?’ Rose said, feeling a little bolder, as both the idea and the wine took a hold of her. ‘You did that hairdressing course, didn’t you? Cut my hair! Cut it off, and then dye it this colour. I want to be Sun-Kissed Sizzle. I want to be blonde.’

  ‘Fuck, you’ve gone all Britney Spears on my arse,’ Shona said. ‘I can’t just hack off all that hair. That hair is you.’

  ‘Exactly.’ A little giddy, Rose stood up and dived for the dressing table, where Shona’s hairdressing scissors, a remnant of two weeks’ work experience in a salon, were poking out of her voluminous make-up bag. Before Shona could wrest them from her she leapt up onto the bed, brandishing them like she’d just pulled Excalibur out of the rock, bouncing up and down on the creaky mattress. While Shona gazed on, half in horror, half hilarity, Rose chopped off a length of hair right at the front of her head, stopping only a couple of inches short of her scalp.

  ‘Go on,’ she all but shouted, waving the chunk of her hair at Shona. ‘Now you have to cut it!’

  ‘Christ, Rose!’ Shona gasped. ‘What have you done? Well, sit down then. I’m certainly not cutting your hair whilst you’re bouncing off the walls.’

  Taking the scissors from Rose’s hand, Shona stared at her hatchet job.

  ‘Well, you’ve sort of blown it for a nice bob or a f
eather cut, neither of which I know how to do anyway. I could have a go at making it really short and spiky, and I think that’s pretty much it.’

  ‘Go on then!’ Rose urged her. ‘Do that, and then dye it!’

  ‘Rose, are you sure? It might look shit.’

  ‘Yes, it might look shit, but it won’t look like me, will it?’ Rose said emphatically, reaching for the bottle of wine and draining the last of it. ‘Boring, meek, loser, pathetic old me. And I can’t tell you how much I don’t want to look like me any more. I’m not her, I’m not that mousy trapped girl. I’m dangerous and cool and –’

  ‘Clinically insane, Dickhead’s right after all,’ Shona laughed, enjoying seeing the sparkle in her friend’s eyes, even if it was garage-wine induced and it would very likely be regretted the next morning. ‘Oh, go on then, as it’s you. I can always pick some more dye up from the service station on the way home.’

  Sitting Rose down on her dressing table stool and handing her the second bottle of wine to unscrew, Shona wielded her scissors. ‘Now, hold on to your knickers and pray for a miracle.’

  Chapter Seven

  THE FIRST THING that Rose realised when she became conscious the following morning was that her head hurt. A lot. Her mouth was bone dry, her tongue felt like it had swollen up to triple its normal size and had developed scales, to boot. And she felt sure that if she opened her eyes certain doom would follow. Belatedly, after wondering if she’d caught flu, the plague or worse, Rose realised that she had a hangover, her first ever proper one, a genuine bone fide hangover that meant even the slightest movement or noise made her want to throw herself off the edge of the universe, never to return. It was a sensation she felt curiously proud of.

  The second thing she realised was that Maddie was screaming.

  ‘Mummy! Mummy!’ The child was shrieking over and over again somewhere inside the house, her voice wrought with genuine terror, a scream like she had only ever heard once before from Maddie, the night that they left home. Automatically, Rose threw herself out of bed, stumbling and swaying, her feet and head seemingly utterly disconnected as she struggled to find her balance. Panicking, she looked around for her little girl, but Maddie, still shrieking out for her, was nowhere to be seen. It took Rose several pounding heartbeats to realise that it was Shona’s tattooed ankle that was sticking out from under the bedspread on the other side of the bed and that she was not in her own room. Lunging towards the door, Rose flung it open and found Maddie standing in the hallway, clutching Bear and her book, tears streaming down her face, her mouth open wide as she screamed again.

  ‘It’s all right, it’s fine, I’m here,’ Rose said, dropping painfully to her knees in front of Maddie. Gently she took her by the shoulder, gripping her firmly, trying to snap her out of her frenzy of fear. ‘Maddie, Maddie, it’s fine. Open your eyes, look at me. I’m here, I just fell asleep next door, darling. I’m so sorry … Maddie look at me.’

  Her body still convulsed with sobs, Maddie calmed a little, unscrewing her eyes to look at Rose. But before Rose could scoop Maddie in a reassuring embrace the poor child took one look at her and, her screams renewed, flung herself into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

  ‘I wondered what all the fuss was about,’ Jenny said, arriving slightly breathless at the top of the stairs in yet another negligee from her extensive collection, black this time, and disturbingly see-through. ‘Now I know. What’s happened to all that lovely hair, lass? No wonder the poor child’s beside herself. You look like a … a punk!’

  Rose whipped her hand to the back of her neck and felt nothing but skin, and the rough stubble of what had once been her long locks, dimly remembering, as she ran her fingers over the extremely short, velvety soft and unfamiliar texture of her hair, what she had made Shona do last night. How she had cut lock after lock of her old hair, watching it float to the floor as if it was happening to someone else entirely, and then sat with her head bowed as Shona used her bikini-line razor to taper it into the back of her neck.

  ‘This is fucking out there,’ Shona had told her.

  ‘Good,’ was all that Rose had said, and after that she had a hazy recollection of shrieking with laughter in the bathroom, the smell of chemicals, a slight tingling burning on her scalp, and nothing else.

  ‘Oh,’ was about all she could think to say as she realised that she no longer had her hair.

  ‘Well, you’ll be needing a hat,’ Jenny said, with an expression of distaste. ‘But in the mean time you’d better go and reassure that poor child of yours that you haven’t been abducted by evil hairdressers in the night. Although I’m not entirely sure you haven’t.’

  Guiltily Rose pushed open the bedroom door to find Maddie, or what she presumed to be Maddie, huddled under her bedspread, which she had pulled tightly over her head, wrapping it around herself to block the world out. It had been a long time since Rose had seen her like this. The last time was when Maddie was barely three and suddenly became terrified of the dark and all the things her imagination could picture lurking in the shadows. The cheap wine, the strange surroundings, even Maddie’s apparent and uncharacteristic ease at settling into the B & B and getting on with Jenny, had all contributed into lulling Rose into a false sense of security. Of all the things she had thought as Shona chopped off her hair, and Rose had seen glimpses in the mirror of the mad woman Richard told everyone she was, Rose hadn’t for a moment thought about Maddie, and how much her daughter would absolutely hate her to look so completely different. Rose had learnt over the seven years of being Maddie’s mother that the child required certain fixed points, like north on a compass, to feel secure. Certainties that as long as they remained unchanged meant she was sure of her place in the world and what everything meant. Having wrenched Maddie from her home and her father, Rose had let herself start believing that perhaps Maddie was growing out of her difficult stage – this strange phase that set her apart from other children – that she was becoming more adaptable and at ease with the world, but of course she had been naïvely mistaken. Maddie insulated herself from everything that was going on by doing her best to ignore it and focusing on the things that she liked. Rose’s new hair, though, or rather lack of it, could not be ignored.

  ‘Maddie,’ Rose said softly, sitting down on the edge of the bed. She reached out to touch what she assumed was Maddie’s shrouded shoulder, which flinched. ‘I’m so sorry you woke up alone. I got talking to Shona and I suppose I just fell asleep next door. I’m sorry I scared you.’

  ‘I thought you’d left me,’ Maddie said, sounding quite calm under the covers, despite her obvious refusal to show her face.

  ‘I would never leave you,’ Rose said. ‘Don’t you know I would never leave you?’

  ‘You left Daddy,’ Maddie said.

  Rose ran her fingers through her unfamiliar hair once more, catching sight of herself in the dressing table mirror. It was like looking into the eyes of a stranger. The cut had completely transformed her. Suddenly the angles of her face, so like her mother’s, were clear to see. The sharp cheekbones and pointed chin, which had once seemed so demure, so girlish, now looked strong, bold even. And her grey eyes, fringed with dark lashes and framed with dark brows, seemed huge in her pale face, capped off with bright blonde hair. If Rose bumped into this person in the street she’d have been a little intimated by her, by her self-assured look and her seeming confidence. Only a woman very comfortable in her own skin would dare to assume she could carry off this look. The only clue Rose had that the reflection she was looking at was her own was that small ember of terror that was always present in her eyes, always knowing that before long, the spark would be lit to ignite it. Perhaps that’s what she and Maddie had in common: they were both always battling back against the constant fear that plagued them. For Maddie it was fear of change; for Rose it was a terror that somehow she’d been sucked back into the prison of her old life, that nothing would change at all.

  How on earth was she going to bring Maddie round
to the way she looked? She couldn’t blame her daughter for hating it. She wasn’t at all sure she liked it herself.

  ‘Maddie.’ Rose gently tugged at the cover that Maddie clung on to. ‘Maddie, come on, come and look at my hair. I know it was a shock, I know it’s really different, but if you look you will see it’s still me, it’s still Mummy.’ There was no movement. ‘If you don’t look, you won’t be able to see, will you?’

  Maddie sighed deeply. ‘I’m not coming out. I don’t like it out there. I don’t like you like that.’

  ‘Look, Maddie … I haven’t really been fair, I know that. I’ve changed everything around you and it’s not that I haven’t thought about how it will affect you, it’s just that I didn’t expect it to affect you so much.’

  ‘I am a very sensitive child.’ Maddie repeated what her father often told her, much to Rose’s distress. Rose felt that if you told a child enough times that something was wrong with her, she’d start to believe it.

  ‘You are a very brave child, who’s coped very well with a lot … Look, do you want to talk about what happened the night we left Daddy? About why we had to go?’

  There was a long silence under the covers and then, ‘No.’

  ‘OK, but come out and look at my hair? I know I look a bit different, but it is still me. If you look, you will see.’

  ‘I don’t want to look. I saw it, it’s disgusting.’

  ‘It’s not, it’s … modern,’ Rose said, although she wasn’t sure she disagreed with Maddie’s first assessment. ‘Look, come on, come out and look.’ Once again she pulled gently at the covers.

  Finally Maddie emerged from beneath the bedspread, her face flushed, her dark hair tangled and damp.

  ‘Now look,’ Rose said, smoothing Maddie’s hair out of her eyes, picking up Maddie’s hands and putting them on her face. ‘Still the same eyes, nose, mouth, ears that are a bit sticky out. Still the same Mummy, just with different hair.’