Elusive Love

by K. A. Robinson

  Ethan frowned for a split second before wiping his face clean of emotion once again. “Let’s go then.”

  We gathered up our stuff and headed back to my car. Once it was stashed in the backseat, we climbed into the front. I turned my car around and headed back down the narrow dirt road.

  “Make fun of my fish all you want, but I’m the only person in this car who actually caught something today,” I taunted as I hit the blacktop.

  “Only because we left early. If we’d spent the whole day out there, I would have caught ten times more than you.”

  “Sure you would have,” I said.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him roll his eyes at me with a silly grin on his face.

  We chatted as I drove back to his house, but his girlfriend never came up again. I wanted to ask him what he was going to do, but I decided against it. His love life wasn’t my business. If he wanted to talk about it, that would be fine, but I wasn’t about to force it out of him.

  When we pulled up in front of his house, I helped him carry our gear and the cooler back inside. He had me set everything down on his porch rather than go inside.

  “Can I use your bathroom?” I asked once everything was piled in the corner.

  “Uh, sure,” he said. He unlocked his door and held it open for me. “Down the hall, first door on your right.”

  “Thanks.” I stepped into his living room. It was neat, far neater than I’d expected any man’s house to be, especially one who lived alone. “Wow, you’re as much of a neat freak as Joey is.”

  I looked around. A couch sat to my left with an entertainment stand directly across from it. A recliner sat in the corner, angled so that it faced the entertainment stand. Off to my left was the kitchen. It was cast in shadows, but as far as I could see, it looked spotless as well. To my right was the hallway Ethan had mentioned. I walked down it and stopped at the first door. After checking to make sure it was indeed the bathroom, I stepped in and closed the door behind me.

  When I was finished, I walked back into the living room to find Ethan standing next to the front door in the exact same spot he’d been in before.

  “Everything okay?” I asked, noticing how uncomfortable he looked.

  His whole body was tensed up, as if he were expecting someone to attack him.

  “Yeah, I’m good,” he said, his voice sounding strange. “I guess you’d better go. There’s a pack of diapers in aisle eleven calling your name.”

  I laughed as I stopped in front of him. “Yeah, you’re right. Thank you for today. I needed it.”

  He gave me a questioning look. “Needed what?”

  “A day just to relax and have fun. It felt like I could breathe properly for the first time in such a long time.”

  “I’m glad I could help,” he said.

  I could hear the sincerity in his voice. He really was glad that he had helped me.

  “Anyway, I guess I’ll go now. Thanks again.” I started to move past him.

  When I reached for the doorknob, he grabbed my arm to stop me. “Caley?”

  “Yeah?”

  “If you ever need to get away or…to breathe, come find me, okay? Bring Amelia if you have to, but don’t just run off. Come to me.”

  “I will,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

  He released my arm, and before I could stop myself, I was hugging him, wrapping my arms around him. I tightly pulled him against me and buried my face in his shirt. I inhaled his scent, a mix of his cologne and his own unique smell. It made my stomach churn in the most disturbing way. For a moment, I lost myself. All I could focus on was the feel of his arms as he wrapped them around me. For a moment, I felt safe.

  And then, just like that, it was over, and I was pulling away from him. The safe haven of his arms disappeared. I walked out the door, almost blindly, and tripped on my way to my car. I regretted hugging him, I did, but I couldn’t hide the fact that it’d brought me more peace than I had ever expected. What was even more unexpected was the longing I felt as I left him behind.

  First thing the following Monday morning, I popped my head inside my father’s office. “Dad, do you have a second?”

  My father glanced up from the papers scattered across his desk. “Sure.”

  I stepped into his office and closed the door behind me. My father raised an eyebrow in surprise. We never closed the door unless it was something serious.

  “Is everything okay?”

  I nodded as I sat down in the uncomfortable wooden chair across from him. My eyes fell to the work orders covering his desk, and I frowned.

  When I’d told Ethan we were drowning in repairs, I wasn’t kidding. We currently had three full-time mechanics and one part-time, but we still couldn’t keep up. Business was booming for my father, and while I was glad, I was also worried. More business meant more stress on my dad.

  On top of running the business itself, he also handled a lot of the face-to-face interactions with customers. Most of the people were nice enough, but there were always the assholes who would come storming in, demanding special attention. I took what stress I could off of him, but I couldn’t take it all away.

  The truth was, my father was getting older, and I constantly worried about his health. He was nearing fifty years old and not getting any younger. He didn’t need all the stress that accompanied dealing with the public.

  Physically, my father was built like a rock. Well over six feet with a head of dark but starting to gray hair, he intimidated most people. His blue eyes were kind though, and he usually had a smile on his face, especially when Amelia was around. My little girl was his baby, and he spoiled her accordingly.

  “How are the repairs in the shop coming along?” I asked, stalling to work up the nerve to ask about getting a job for Ethan.

  “As expected. We’re behind again, but the guys are trying. I keep checking on them to make sure they’re not dicking off. I think I’m starting to annoy them,” my dad said.

  I laughed. “You? Annoy someone? Never.”

  “That’s my thought, too, but they seem to disagree. We’ll eventually get caught up, but it might not be for another two or three weeks at least. There’s just too much to do, and I’m paying all of them overtime.”

  “I might have a solution—well, a partial one anyway,” I said.

  “What kind of solution?” he asked.

  “Well, I have a friend who works in a garage already. He’s looking for more work—specifically, part-time work—and I said I’d check with you to see if you would be interested in hiring him,” I said, hoping my voice was neutral.

  “What kind of experience does he have?”

  “Honestly, I’m not sure. I know he’s been working at the other car garage for a while, but I’m not sure about how long. From our conversations, I’ve gathered that he seems to know what he is talking about when it comes to cars,” I lied on that last part. I knew my dad wouldn’t hire him if I’d told him the truth. I had no idea what kind of experience Ethan had.

  My dad studied me for a minute. “You know, I hate hiring people who are friends with someone, Caley. If things go south, it puts a sour taste in everyone’s mouths.”

  “I know, but I really do think he’d be a good addition to the shop. He’s a good guy, and he does have experience. Besides, it would only be part-time since he already has a job. I thought he’d be able to help the guys get caught up.”

  My dad was silent for a minute or two. I squirmed uncomfortably in my chair as I awaited his answer. Part of me hoped that Ethan would get the job because my dad really did need the help, and I wanted a valid excuse to see Ethan more often. The other part hoped my dad would say no. I worried about growing closer to Ethan, more than I already was. I felt like he was the only person I could really talk to. Having him near me constantly would only increase our bond—not to mention, my guilt over hiding him from Joey.

  “All right, I’ll give him a chance. See if he can stop in tomorrow to fill out paperwork. Check wi
th him to see what hours he can work, too.”

  I smiled. “Thanks, Dad. You won’t regret this. I promise.”

  “I hope not,” he said before glancing down at the work orders again. “Now, get out of here, and get some work done.”

  I mock-saluted him before standing and walking out of the office. As soon as the door closed behind me, I pulled my phone out of my pocket to text Ethan.

  Can you come by tomorrow to fill out some paperwork?

  I’m hired?

  No, I just want you to fill out random paperwork. Duh, yes, you’re hired.

  Holy shit. Thanks, Caley. I seriously owe you for this. I get off work at two. I should be able to make it there by three.

  Perfect. I’ll let my dad know. What kind of hours can you work? We’re open from nine to six, Monday to Friday, and eight to noon on Saturdays.

  I work from seven to two during the week, so I could do three to six during the week and all day on Saturdays.

  That should work since he’s only hiring you part-time.

  Thank you for doing this. I mean it. No one else I know would have even tried to help me like this.

  Hey, you’re helping us, too. No thanks needed. I have to get back to work. I think Joey will be back tonight, so I won’t be able to talk, but I’ll see you tomorrow at three.

  See you then.

  I spent the rest of my day trying not to think about the fact that Ethan would soon be a part of my daily life. It was harder than I’d thought. My mind kept drifting back and forth between elation and uncertainty. Either way, what was done was done. I couldn’t take back my father’s offer. Even if I could have, I knew I wouldn’t. That wouldn’t be fair to Ethan at all.

  It wasn’t until I was locking up for the night that Joey finally called me. I glanced down at my phone when it started ringing, and I was surprised to see his name. I had assumed he’d either forgotten to call me or that he wasn’t coming home tonight after all.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, it’s me. I should be home around seven tonight. Can you have dinner ready by then?” he asked.

  “I missed you, too,” I said, sarcasm filling my voice. “And sure, I’ll have dinner ready. When I say I’ll have it ready, I mean, I’ll pick up a pizza on the way home.”

  “That’s fine,” he said, surprising me.

  “What? No rant over the fact that I’m going to eat carbs?” I sounded bitchy, even to my own ears, but I couldn’t stop myself.

  “No, not tonight. I have something I want to talk to you about when I get home.”

  “Okay…” I said.

  “I’ll see you in an hour.” He disconnected the call.

  “That wasn’t weird at all,” I muttered as I shoved my phone into my back pocket.

  I stopped and grabbed a pizza on the way home before picking up Amelia from my parent’s.

  I had barely settled her into her high chair for dinner when the front door opened, and Joey walked in. He’d made it home earlier than I’d expected. I looked up at him, wondering if he might greet me like a normal husband or not. If I’d expected a hug or a kiss or even a smile, I was sorely disappointed.

  He walked straight to the box of pizza on the table and grabbed a slice. “I need to talk to you,” he said.

  “I’m listening,” I said as I helped Amelia eat her dinner of chicken-flavored baby food.

  “They want to transfer all the guys in this area out of town. Construction jobs around here have been slow lately, and other areas need more guys. They’ve offered to pay for our lodging and gas to get to and from the locations. We’ll work Monday to Friday out of town and come home for the weekends.”

  “Are you asking me if it’s okay, or are you telling me what you’re going to do?” I asked.

  “I’m telling you. I can’t not take their proposal, or I’ll lose my job, Caley.”

  “You’re going to be gone almost all the time though,” I said.

  “I know, but it can’t be helped. It’s not like we’re losing that much time together anyway. We both work, so we only have evenings together. Half the time, one of us isn’t home.”

  “What about Amelia?” I demanded. “She’s going to miss you, Joey. You’re her father after all.”

  He frowned. “I know she will, but there’s nothing I can do to change any of this.”

  “You could look for another job!” I said, growing angry. “Things are bad enough as it is between us now. What do you think will happen if you’re gone ninety percent of the time?”

  “In this economy? You know nothing else out there will pay the way construction does. And I think we’ll do better apart. If we don’t see each other, we won’t fight,” Joey said.

  It alarmed me how his explanation actually made sense even if I didn’t like it.

  “Well, it sounds like your mind is already made up,” I said, clenching my hands at my sides to keep from tossing something at him.

  “It is. I have tomorrow off, but I leave tomorrow evening to drive back to the hotel they’ve put me in while we work on the job site. I’ll be gone by the time you get home. I should be back here on Saturday morning.”

  I looked over at his bag. “Well, I guess I’d better go wash all your clothes for you. Finish feeding Amelia for me.”

  “It can wait until after we’re done,” he said.

  “No, it really can’t. I need to get out of this kitchen before I say something I’ll regret.” I handed the baby food to him and grabbed his bag. I walked out of the room without bothering to look back at him.

  Once I was in our laundry room, I tossed the bag onto the floor with more force than necessary. I dumped his clothes out in front of the washer and started separating them into piles, keeping my mind carefully blank. Once that was done, I threw the first load in and started the washer. I rested my elbows on top of it and put my head in my hands.

  I was so unbelievably angry with him. He was leaving me—no, leaving us, and he didn’t seem to care at all. I despised him most of the time, but the thought of him leaving us for a whole week, every week, made me sad. I would miss him. How I could miss someone I despised, I had no clue, but I would.

  Despite our less than stellar relationship, I did care about him. Part of me even hoped that things would get better between us and stay that way. I knew without a doubt that things would not improve between us if he were gone all the time. We would only grow further apart.

  On top of that, I would be raising Amelia on my own, almost as if I really were a single parent. She was old enough that she’d realize Joey wasn’t around much. A huge part of the reason I stayed with him was for her, so she would have a single-family unit. With him leaving us for work, it would be almost the same as if we weren’t married at all.

  It seemed like life was continuing to throw curveball after curveball in my direction. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take until I broke.

  My anger took over, and I knew I couldn’t stand to be in the same apartment with him right now. If I did, I would do something I’d regret. I stormed out of the laundry room, past the kitchen where Joey and Amelia were, and to the living room. I grabbed my keys and purse off the coffee table and headed straight for the front door.

  “Where are you going?” Joey asked from behind me.

  I turned to see that he had followed me into the living room. Amelia was in his arms, her gaze focused on him and only him. It broke my heart a little to think about how much she adored him and how little she would be seeing him.

  “Out.” I turned away and opened the door. “I’ll be back tonight. Don’t ask me what time because I honestly have no idea.”

  With that, I slammed the door behind me, not giving him a chance to say anything else.

  My entire body was humming with suppressed rage as I drove. My anger was a living, breathing thing. All I wanted to do was go back to the apartment and slap Joey. I wanted to make him hurt the way he’d hurt me so many times.

  I slammed my hand against the steering wheel i
n frustration. Why the fuck was everything so hard? It seemed like our lives were constantly in disarray, one tidal wave of problems after another. I knew deep down that Joey didn’t deserve all of my anger, but it didn’t diminish the way I felt.

  I wished I could go back in time to a younger version of myself with the knowledge I had now. I would change so much. My timidness and my lack of self-esteem were the root of all my problems. I’d fallen for Joey simply because he’d seemed to care about me when I expected no one else to ever care. If I had known then what my life would be like now, I would’ve walked away. No, I would have run away in the opposite direction as fast as I possibly could.

  Back then, I’d thought the worst possible outcome to my life would be being alone forever. I knew better now. I would have much rather been alone all these years instead of dealing with the constant back and forth that surrounded my life and my relationship with my husband.

  The only problem was, if I had run away from Joey, I never would have had Amelia. That realization alone made me wonder if I really would have changed things if I’d had the chance to do it all over again.

  I was surprised when I found myself pulling up in front of Ethan’s house. I’d never meant to come here. I’d only wanted to escape Joey and all our problems. Somehow, my mind had taken me here.

  I stared at Ethan’s house, wondering if I should knock on his door. Ethan had been my rock lately, allowing me to dump all my problems onto him without a single complaint. Even though he hadn’t seemed to mind, I felt bad. He didn’t deserve to hear every sordid part of my life. If I went in there now, he would have to hear more.

  I remembered what he’d said to me the day we’d gone fishing.

  “If you ever need to get away or…to breathe, come find me, okay? Bring Amelia if you have to, but don’t just run off. Come to me.”