Elusive Love

by K. A. Robinson

Now, I had a decision to make, not about Ethan though. That had to wait even though, if our kiss was proof of what could be, I knew without a doubt that I would end up with him if I finally left Joey. But there was no way I could even think about that right now.

  First, I had to decide if I was going to split my family apart or if I would somehow manage to remain with Joey, the way I always had. The second option cut into my soul like a knife.

  Before, I had never felt what I felt tonight. I couldn’t crave something I had known absolutely nothing about. Now, the thought of what I was missing, what was lacking in my marriage, plagued me. Even worse, I couldn’t understand why this had all happened so fast. This morning, I hadn’t even truly understood the way I felt about Ethan. Tonight, all I could think about was how he’d shown me what life was supposed to be like.

  I glanced at his closed bedroom door, wishing he were in here with me. He always knew what to say to help me. I knew, even after his confession tonight, he would still listen to me and help as I tried to sort out the uncertainties in my life. I couldn’t do that to him though. It would be cruel, talking with him about Joey.

  I winced. God, I’d been cruel to Ethan over and over again without ever realizing it. Every time I’d talked to him about my life with Joey had to have hurt him, but I knew he’d never admit it.

  Giving up on my attempt to sleep, I sat up and moved so that my feet were resting on his coffee table, the blanket still covering me. Ethan’s television sat directly across from me. I stared at the black screen, willing my mind to go numb for even a few minutes.

  It was pointless. In my heart, I already knew my decision. I just needed to come to terms with it and accept the pain that was sure to follow.

  I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I’m going to leave my husband.

  There. I’d said it.

  When I opened my eyes again, the room was exactly the same. My decision hadn’t changed anything. Fire wasn’t raining down from the sky, engulfing me in heat and flames. The world hadn’t ended.

  “Everything okay?”

  I jerked around to see Ethan standing in his doorway, watching me.

  “I’m fine,” I said, my voice cracking.

  “Then, why do you have tears running down your face?” he asked softly.

  I reached up and touched my cheek. Sure enough, it was covered in tears. I quickly wiped them away but more replaced them.

  “I didn’t even realize…” I trailed off as sobs suddenly racked my body.

  Ethan moved across the room, and he was next to me in a flash. He pulled me into his arms as my sobs took control of me. I clung to him, not caring that I was covering the front of his shirt in tears and probably snot.

  He didn’t whisper how everything would be okay. He didn’t say anything at all.

  Instead, he just held me.

  I woke up in a sweltering heat. I felt sweat dampening my hair. Wondering if an inferno had decided to take me after all, I opened my eyes. All I could see was the soft material that made up Ethan’s shirt. My eyes widened, and I instantly jerked away. Ethan’s arms were wrapped around me, but I fought my way free and scooted to the opposite end of the couch.

  I’d fallen asleep in Ethan’s arms.

  It made the shame of my predicament instantly bubble to the surface. My husband—who I’d sent only a brief text telling him that I wouldn’t be home, who had tried to text me over and over throughout the night—was waiting for me. He was probably worried sick, considering my abrupt departure and lack of return. And here I had been, sleeping in Ethan’s arms. That was wrong.

  I glanced over at Ethan and saw that his eyes were open, returning my gaze from the other side of the couch. I fought not to grin at the way his hair was sticking up or the sleepy look on his face. He looked so sweet in that moment, and it took everything in me not to reach out and touch him.

  “Morning,” he said, his voice still muffled with sleep.

  “We slept together,” I said, pointing out the obvious.

  He grinned. “I think I’d remember something like that, Caley.”

  I shook my head, refusing to smile back. “You know what I mean.”

  The smile finally slipped from his face, and he sighed. “Caley, you didn’t mean to fall asleep on me. I didn’t mean to fall asleep either. It just happened. Stop trying to make yourself feel guilty over this, too.”

  I raised an eyebrow, but he only rolled his eyes.

  “Yeah, I know you feel guilty about everything. It’s practically radiating off of you in waves.”

  “Everything about you makes me feel guilty,” I whispered, sadness filling me. “I hate that.”

  He moved until he was sitting next to me on the couch. “Stop thinking about me. This has nothing to do with me at the moment.”

  I gave him an incredulous look. “It has everything to do with you. If I hadn’t…” I swallowed roughly. “If I had never shown up here last night, my life, my relationship with you, my relationship with him, would still be the same as they had been the day before and the day before that.”

  He looked at me with such a devastated look that I had to look away. “Please tell me I’m not the reason you were in so much pain last night. I couldn’t bear that.”

  I shook my head and stared down at my lap where I was wringing my hands together. “No, that wasn’t your fault, not really. You were the catalyst that started my own personal apocalypse, but you’re not the reason for my pain. That’s all on me.”

  He reached over and grabbed my hands, pulling one away. He held it in both of his, squeezing it softly. “So, what are you going to do now?”

  I finally looked back up at him. The pain in his gaze had disappeared. He was expressionless as he waited for my answer. I was sure it was because he didn’t want to sway me one way or another.

  “Now, I’ll go home and tell my husband that I don’t love him anymore. I’ll tell him that it’s over. And once that painful conversation is over, I’m going to watch as my world falls apart.” I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, willing the tears to stay away. When I was sure they would, I opened my eyes again. “Then, I’ll start to rebuild from whatever rubble has fallen down on me.”

  He laced his fingers through mine. “You know I’m here for you, right? Last night doesn’t change anything.”

  “Of course it does. I can’t expect you to stand with me as I try to deal with this. It wouldn’t be fair to you. What I’ve been doing, telling you all of my problems, wasn’t fair either. If I had known that you felt…”

  “If you had known I cared, you would’ve, what?” he asked. “Brushed me aside, distanced yourself? I don’t think so, Caley. I’d rather hear every single detail about your marriage than have you walk away from me again.”

  “But I can’t just—” I started.

  He cut me off, “Don’t. Just don’t. I won’t let you push me away—not now, not when I know…” He stopped and took a deep breath. “Not when I know there might be a chance for us someday. It hurt like hell before, yes, but it was worth it, just to be near you again. I won’t give that up, no matter what you say or do. I’m staying right here, beside you, for as long as you need me.”

  “What did I ever do to deserve someone like you?” I asked. “You’re the kindest person I’ve ever known. You’re honest, and you truly care. I don’t understand how someone like you could ever want someone like me.”

  “Someone like you? Caley, you don’t see yourself the way everyone else does, mentally and physically.” He released my hand and reached up to trail his fingers down my cheek. “You’re beautiful, inside and out. I just wish you’d realize that.”

  Warmth flooded my cheeks at his compliment.

  When was the last time anyone ever told me I was beautiful? I couldn’t remember.

  “Maybe, one day, I’ll see what you see,” I finally muttered after a moment, doubting the words even as I spoke them. I knew what I thought of myself. I didn’t see that changing, especially after all thes
e years.

  “I’ll make sure that you do.” He dropped his hand and stood. “You’re welcome to stay here for as long as you like, but I think you should go sooner rather than later. The longer you’re here, the more you’ll doubt your decision.”

  “You’re right,” I admitted as I stood. “I’m going to leave now. If I don’t, I’ll just end up spending the day here, hiding from what I have to do.”

  He walked me to the door and opened it. “If you need anything, and I mean anything, call me. I’ll come to you, or you can come here if you want.”

  “Thank you for everything.” I stepped outside onto his porch. “I’ll let you know how it goes.”

  He leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead. His arms circled my waist. “Good luck, Caley. You’re stronger than you know. I hope you realize that by the end of the day.”

  I tried to smile, but it was weak. He released me, and I turned to walk to my car.

  I pulled my keys and phone out of my pockets before climbing in. I tossed my phone into the cup holder and shoved my keys into the ignition. My car rumbled to life. I fought tears again as I put the car in drive and pulled out.

  I concentrated on my breathing as I drove home, afraid that I would lose control again. The closer I got to home, the harder it was to stay in control.

  By the time I pulled into the lot, I was shaking. I shut the car off and stared ahead until I was sure I could hold myself together. As I climbed out of the car, I straightened my back and stared straight ahead. I wanted to feel as confident as I looked. Every part of me feared whatever was sure to happen once I walked into our apartment and told Joey the truth.

  I made it upstairs in no time at all. It seemed to take only seconds before I found myself standing in our apartment, staring at Joey, who was sitting on the couch, waiting for me. The moment he saw me, he was up and walking to where I stood.

  “Where were you?” he demanded. When I didn’t answer immediately, he went on, “You took off out of here like a rocket last night, and then I got a text telling me that you weren’t coming home. You wouldn’t answer my texts or calls!” His voice rose with each word until he was shouting. He stopped and took a step back, clearly trying to compose himself.

  “I had to get away. I needed time and space to think.”

  “To think about what?” he demanded.

  “Us.” I forced myself to look him in the eyes as I spoke the words that would destroy us, “I can’t do this anymore, Joey. I’m miserable. I feel like I’m trapped in a life that isn’t mine. I don’t feel like you care about me, let alone love me. I just…I can’t do this. I can’t be with you.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “I want a divorce.” My words sounded emotionless as they passed through my lips.

  Joey looked at me as if I’d slapped him. “What did you just say?”

  “I want a divorce.”

  “Where is this coming from? Yesterday, I thought we were going to try again. I took you out to the movies. We were having a good time!”

  “How many times have we tried over the years, Joey? Time and time again, we try to start over, and it always ends the same—with us shouting at each other whenever we’re in the same room. I can’t take it anymore. We don’t talk. We never see each other. We are nothing more than two people trapped together by a piece of paper and a set of wedding bands.”

  “You don’t mean this, Caley. I don’t know what happened, but this isn’t you. We always work our shit out. Yeah, we have issues, and we’ll never win any Marriage of the Year awards, but we have stuck together for this long. We just have to keep on working at it.”

  “I’m tired of working at it. There’s nothing left to work out at this point.”

  “What about Amelia?” he asked.

  I clenched my hands into fists at my sides. “Amelia will grow up knowing her parents love her. She won’t ever have to remember the way we fought or how much we hated each other. She won’t remember the fact that I started drinking and smoking just to escape you. Her life will be better this way.”

  “Her life won’t involve me at all if you leave me!” he shouted, showing just how angry he was for the first time.

  A vein in his forehead popped, showing his tell, and I knew he was about to lose his shit.

  “You’ll have her on the weekends. It won’t be any different from how it is now since you work out of town all week. I’m not taking her away from you.”

  He stared at me for a moment, his mouth opening and closing, but no words came out. He turned away from me and stalked to the doorway that led to our bedroom.

  He flung it open and pointed inside. “You want out? Fine. Get the fuck out. Pack your shit and leave. Go to your parents’. Amelia is there. I dropped her off earlier when I thought I would have to go out and search for you.”

  “Joey, let’s talk about this instead of screaming,” I said, keeping my voice calm.

  “No, you’ve said all you have to say, so just fucking go!” he shouted.

  “Joey—”

  “I said, get the fuck out!” he screamed loudly.

  I feared our neighbors would knock on the door to check on us.

  “I don’t want you to hate me,” I whispered as tears finally filled my eyes. So much for being strong.

  He stalked toward me, and I backed up until I was pressed against the wall, terrified that his rage would take over.

  “I’m done with you, bitch. Just go.” He moved past me, heading to the door. He opened it, and a second later, it slammed shut behind him. The walls shook with the force of it.

  I slid down the wall, sobbing, until my bottom hit the floor. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. My head rested on my knees as I let myself cry out all the emotions I was feeling inside.

  Part of me was relieved that Joey had been his typical self. He’d fought for us at first, but that hadn’t lasted long. He had gone back to his normal shouting self in no time at all. Calling me a bitch was a little more dramatic than normal for him, but whatever. I didn’t care.

  It just proves that I’m doing the right thing.

  I forced myself to stand up and walk to our bedroom. I grabbed a few bags out of the closet and began filling them up with my clothes. I didn’t own a whole lot, so it took hardly any time at all to empty my side of the closet. I walked to the dresser next and shoved my bras, underwear, and socks into another bag. I still had plenty of room left in the second bag, so I walked to the bathroom and tossed all my toiletries into that bag as well.

  Once my things were packed, I walked to Amelia’s room and packed most of her things into another bag. I left some of her outfits and toys because she had too many things to fit into one bag. I zipped the bag up and dragged all three through the apartment. When I reached the door, I shouldered all three and opened the door to step out into the hallway.

  The weight of the bags seemed to drag me down as I carried them out to my car. I shoved them into the backseat and climbed into the front. The realization that I now had to face my parents and tell them what I’d just done settled in. I knew my dad would support me, no matter what, but I doubted if my mother would be as kind.

  “You’ve already faced Joey,” I reminded myself. “Nothing could be worse than that.”

  My father would never let my mother turn me away, especially since Amelia was with them. With that in mind, I started my car and backed out of my parking spot. I practiced my breathing again as I pulled onto the main road and headed for my parents’ house.

  One battle down, one to go.

  My parents lived only a few miles away from the shop my father owned.

  Their house, a white ranch-style home, was about a mile off the main road. It was close enough to town that we could get supplies during the snowy winter months without issue, but it was far enough away that they had some privacy. My father had built the house right after I was born. It’d started out as nothing more than a three-room structure, bar
ely big enough to fit us in, and it had grown over the years. My father had saved his money and added room by room until their house was complete. Every shutter, every door, every board had been built and installed by my father.

  I pulled up their driveway and parked in front of the house. As I climbed out of my car, I debated on whether or not to bring my bags inside with me. Fearing my mother’s wrath, I decided to wait. If I walked inside with three bags slung over my shoulder, she would be sure to attack the moment she saw them.

  Obviously, I had to tell them what had happened, but I wanted to do it my own way. Maybe if I could explain how miserable I had been with Joey, she would understand. I snorted. My mother and I rarely agreed on anything, even the small stuff. She would be sure to go nuclear over this.

  Steeling myself for the inevitable fight, I started walking.

  Round two, here I come.

  I walked up the steps to my parents’ deck and headed for their front door. When I opened it, I heard Amelia’s baby giggles coming from the living room. I closed the door, kicked my shoes off, and turned to the right toward the living room.

  When I walked into the room, I saw Amelia on her play mat, laughing, as my dad made funny faces at her from his chair. My mother was sitting on the couch with a laundry basket next to her. Their coffee table was covered with folded towels and other clothes she had sorted.

  “I was starting to think you and Joey forgot you had Amelia,” my mother said as soon as she saw me.

  I forced a smile but kept my mouth shut as I crossed the room and picked Amelia up. She grinned at me before reaching for my cheeks and squeezing them.

  “Hi, baby,” I whispered. I kissed her forehead. “Mommy missed you.”

  She gurgled in her baby voice for a minute before she started to struggle to free herself from my grasp. I placed her back on her mat, and she grabbed one of her toys. As she started to whack it on the floor, I sat down in the chair next to my father.

  I met his gaze and tried to give him a reassuring smile. He frowned before glancing back and forth between my mother and me. He knew something was wrong, but he didn’t dare ask what in front of my mother.