But First, Coffee

by Sarah Darlington

  Joe followed.

  The doors shut, I pushed the button for our floor, and I realized, letting out a giant breath, that we were finally alone. “Joe,” I said, slowing down, “my heart is breaking for you.”

  He took a step back, resting his body against the handrail on the opposite side of the elevator, clutching his duffle bag tightly. He stared at me, his face hard. “This is why I haven’t told anyone.”

  I felt a heat creep up my chest and over my face. And it stung. Almost like he’d slapped me with that comment. I was trying my best to have the right reaction to this—but was there a right reaction? “How can you expect me not to hurt for you? Or not to want to go all Hulk on that woman?”

  He continued his hard stare.

  “Was she stronger than you?”

  “No.”

  “Then how could she . . .?” I sighed, stopping myself before I pushed too hard. It was his story to share. If he didn’t want to tell me the details, he didn’t have to.

  “She wasn’t stronger than me. That’s ridiculous,” he added. “It happened during the peak of my drug and alcohol abuse. There was this one night where I drank absurdly more than I should have. I woke up the next day to a woman on top of me. I’d been asleep, passed out, and she’d been fucking me. She didn’t care that I hadn’t been conscious. She didn’t even care when I woke up. She rode me hard, and I watched her get off, not moving, and I did nothing to stop her. I knew it was rape as it happened, and I only laid there. She finished and walked out of that room, winking at me, as if she’d been the one doing me the favor.” He exhaled, rubbing his hands over his face, shaking his head as if to shake the memory off. “I didn’t tell anyone or do anything to press charges. Hell, I don’t even know if people would have believed me. But I got sober. I dropped out of school. I left everything behind and started over in Portland. My parents were pissed, but I couldn’t tell them the truth about what happened.”

  The elevator reached our floor.

  The doors opened and for a minute, neither of us moved. It wasn’t until the doors began to close and Joe stepped in the way to catch them that we both moved.

  We walked in silence down a long hallway toward our room. Once inside one of the most beautiful hotel rooms I’d ever seen—with the most outstanding view of New York City I’d ever seen—Joe dropped his bag on the bed and sat down beside it.

  I stood awkwardly by the TV, unable to really take in or enjoy my surroundings. I was still stuck in that elevator.

  “I need you to say something,” he said, staring at me with these defeated eyes that stabbed at my soul. “Because I just told you all my darkest secrets, and you aren’t saying anything.”

  I swallowed hard, trying to swallow down the giant lump that was now lodged in my throat. “I’m still processing,” I breathed out through quivering lips. I’d never felt this level of protectiveness for another human being. And it killed me because it had already happened to him, and I wanted there to be a way for me to rewrite history somehow. “Back to what you said on the plane. You were never inappropriate with any of the boundaries you crossed with me. I wanted everything. I still do . . .. Those moments with you meant more to me than you’ll ever know. No one has ever looked at me the way you do, or hugged me, or kissed me the way you do. You take away my insecurities and a loneliness I’ve gotten used to living with, and I—”

  He stood up. There was only a small space between us, which he quickly closed. For a moment I thought he might kiss me, which was something I suddenly and desperately wanted from him. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me in one of his all-consuming bear hugs. The relief of being in his arms rushed through me. He leaned over into me, nuzzling his face against my neck, the beard that coated his face now tickled my skin. I hugged him back, balling my fists in the fabric of his T-shirt. I wanted this hug to last forever and to lead somewhere deeper. I needed another moment like our moment in the garage to get us back to where we were. But after a minute he broke away, making me wonder where exactly we stood now.

  He turned to grab his bag off the bed. “I need to get dressed for this meeting. We shouldn’t make Leo wait. Trust fund kids like me, we aren’t good with patience.”

  I nodded, unable to speak through the burning I felt in my lungs and heart.

  Joe disappeared into the bathroom while I did my best not to drop to my knees and fall apart.

  Had we just crossed into the friend zone?

  CHAPTER 26

  JOE

  I stared at my reflection in the mirror. Suit. Check. Tie. Check. The jackass look I despised. Check.

  I’d pulled my hair back and trimmed the beard on my face into something more suitable. I’d thought about fully shaving it because I think that would have looked more professional. Hell, I probably needed to cut my hair too. But whatever—I gave up trying to be someone I wasn’t long ago.

  I left the bathroom and found Lana at the window, staring at Central Park and the surrounding city, with her arms wrapped tightly around her stomach.

  The things I’d told her terrified me. She had to know by now that my mind didn’t always run in a straight line, and that I had more insecurities than I wanted to admit—especially to the one girl in this world that I liked most. Combine that with all my extra crap and baggage—I was shocked she hadn’t left, running as fast as she could away from me and this hotel room, in the time I’d been in the bathroom.

  But she was still here.

  Still.

  Here.

  Despite everything.

  And looking like a fresh glass of lemonade on a hot summer’s day, no less, as she turned her head over her shoulder to glance back at me. I hadn’t expected her to hurt so much for me or to be so angry when I told her I was raped. The point of telling her wasn’t to do that—to rub off some of my pain onto her. She didn’t need to shoulder any of my burden. She didn’t need to be touched by that woman like I already was. But that was Lana. She’d shoulder some of it for me, whether I asked her to or not, and I felt remarkably lighter now that I’d told her.

  She’d also mentioned she was lonely somewhere in that mess of a conversation. That stuck out in my mind the most and it didn’t sit well with me. Lana deserved the world. If she wanted me as her man, then I’d make sure she’d never feel lonely in any capacity ever again.

  I fought the urge to wrap my arms around her from behind and make love to her against the window. I hadn’t kissed her before because I knew if I started, I wouldn’t be able to stop—especially when we were in this room with a bed so fluffy and comfortable looking, that naturally, all I wanted was to get her naked and under those covers.

  “We should go,” I stated.

  She sighed. “This is my first time here.” Breaking away from the window, she walked past me for the door. I guess I assumed a businesswoman like Lana would have had lots of opportunities to travel and visit this city. I assumed wrong. She seemed disappointed somehow.

  We rode the elevator up in silence. There was a small, kind of hidden, built-in compartment door I opened on the elevator panel. Opening it exposed a set of numbers, zero through nine. I entered a passcode I had memorized. The number was the access to the floor below the penthouse floor. If a person looked carefully at the regular numbered floor buttons on this elevator, they’d noticed one was skipped—and that was Leo’s floor. The code gave us access.

  The elevator doors opened to a floor that looked vastly different than the other floors. None of that crazy hotel carpet or gaudy gold accents, just marble and white walls. I went to the door I knew was Leo’s, with Lana at my side, and knocked.

  “This is interesting,” she commented under her breath. If she thought the hallway was interesting, I couldn’t wait until she saw the inside.

  A moment later, Leo Maddox opened his door. He lived here—at least part of the time. I put on my Joe Coffee smile and confidence. “Leo,” I said happily, hugging my old friend. He hadn’t changed too much, just an older version of the guy I once k
new. Actually, he looked like his father, though I wouldn’t tell him that. If he was anything like me then turning into his father wasn’t something he particular wanted to become.

  He returned the hug, shook my hand and gestured for me and Lana to enter his place.

  “This is Lana. Lana, Leo. Um—” I said looking around, taking everything in.

  It wasn’t what I remembered.

  It used to be very sterile, with modern furniture, and lots of large dramatic art pieces. Instead there was a cozy couch, warm colors, and plenty of family and landscape photos on the walls. He had a girlfriend. That was the difference.

  “My wife, Clara,” Leo commented. “She loves desert photography. She’s in Florida this weekend at a golf tournament while I’m stuck here. My grandfather, Leo Senior, passed away last week. It’s been . . . crazy. He left me the company, not my father, like we all expected. My father isn’t taking it well. Hell, neither am I.”

  I turned around, away from a painting of a cactus I’d been focused on. “Shit, that’s a lot to take in. Sorry about your grandfather. And congrats on the wife.”

  We were the same age. I could barely fathom the fact that Leo was married. The Leo I once knew took his bachelorhood very seriously.

  “How long have you been married?”

  “A few years now.”

  “Seriously?” Was he fucking with me?

  He chuckled. “I’m serious.”

  “Wow. And here I am still trying to grow up.” I moved into his living room, taking a seat on the couch. I sank into the cushions, eyeing Lana. She looked uncomfortable with her arms around her stomach again, so I patted the seat cushion next to me.

  Hesitantly, she moved across the room and sat beside me.

  “I’m sure you’re busy with family stuff, so I’ll make this brief. I’m here because your cousin, Doug, is blackmailing me.”

  Leo sat down on a chair opposite us, scratching at the back of his neck. “How?”

  “He has some sex tapes of my sister.”

  “How did he get those?”

  I dove into the lengthy explanation about Zane, Doug buying the tapes, Java Beans, Lana, and my job spying on her. By the time I finished, I sat back into the cushions, wondering if Leo thought I was as foolish as I felt.

  “I’ll take care of it,” he said matter-of-factly.

  “Just like that?”

  He shrugged. “Just like that.”

  I had no idea what he meant by ‘take care it,’ but it didn’t matter. I believed him when he said he would. “Thank you.” I was so damn relieved, I wanted to dive across the room and hug him. This meant I could be with Lana, with no strings attached . . . if she’d have me.

  “You should have come to me instead of Doug in the first place. Why didn’t you?”

  “Honestly, Leo, I’m shocked as shit you have your life together. I didn’t expect the wife, the happy couple photos on the wall, your grandfather leaving you the company over everyone else—all of it. I didn’t come to you first because I didn’t expect you to be much help. But it’s great knowing that you’ve figured things out. Life, I mean.”

  “There was nothing to figure out. I fell in love. Simple as that.”

  Simple as that.

  I wish turning my life around could have been that simple. Instead, ‘figuring it out’ for me meant being so fucked-up that I couldn’t say no.

  I thanked Leo a few more times before Lana and I left his apartment. We rode the elevator back down, toward our room. I stood across from her, and I couldn’t stop staring. Or smiling. She hadn’t said much while we were with Leo. In fact, she hadn’t said anything at all. But she returned my smile, shaking her head playfully, telling me that whatever her reason for being so quiet, she was just as happy as I was to be heading back to our room. I had so many pent-up emotions, and I was finally ready to explore them with her.

  As we walked down the hallway and reached our hotel door, I put the keycard in the slot to open it. My heart started to race at the unknown possibilities of what the rest of the day might hold. I got the door unlocked and pushed it open just as my phone buzzed.

  I pulled it from my pocket and Kitty’s name flashed across the screen.

  “Nice timing, Kitty,” I answered. “You have no idea how perfect the meeting with Leo just went—”

  “Doug gave me back all my tapes. I have them on a cellphone.”

  “Seriously?” I covered the phone. “Doug gave her back all the tapes,” I relayed to Lana, gesturing for her to come closer so she could hear too. We both stood in the door frame. I swallowed hard at her nearness while uncovering the phone. “I didn’t know you were meeting with him today. You should have waited,” I half-heartedly scolded Kitty

  “I wanted it done. I wanted it over with.” She didn’t sound as happy as I felt right in this moment.

  “Was he a jackass to you?”

  “No, he was fine. Anyway, I’ve got to go. I’m meeting Larry at his apartment for video games now. Bye. Have fun in New York. See you tomorrow.” She hung up before I could say anything else.

  I slipped my phone back into my pocket, unsure what to think. Kitty seemed slightly off. And why would Doug just give up all his leverage like that? Maybe I’d been right. Maybe Doug did have a crush on her. But that was a problem that could wait until tomorrow, until we were home in Portland. Because the only thing I saw right this moment was the pretty girl in front of me. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to pull her into the room and lock the door. I wanted to spend the rest of the day falling completely in love with her.

  But earlier, I’d noticed a look of longing on her face as she stared at the city. If it was her first time here, I’m sure she wanted to go out and have some fun.

  “I guess we didn’t need to come to New York then. Or even see Leo,” she whispered. Her chest rose and fell. It seemed we were having a similar problem standing so close to one another. Her needy eyes were practically begging me to kiss her and to strip off all her clothes. If we didn’t move out of the door frame in ten seconds, I’d lose all control.

  “Let’s go do something. In New York, I mean. Right now. Like something touristy.”

  “Okay . . . if you want to . . . sure.” The corners of her mouth fell a little.

  I thought earlier that was what she wanted. “The rest of the night—I’m all yours, in that bed, whatever you want,” I added.

  “Are you ready for something like that?”

  “Yes,” I said with confidence. “With you, yes, times a million.”

  “But you want to go do something touristy? Now?”

  Shit. New York could wait. I rested a hand above her head on the door frame, staring at her. We weren’t getting anywhere with this conversation, while, at the same time, I had a resounding feeling that we both wanted the same damn thing. “Not really.”

  “Then what do you want?”

  “I think you know what I want. I know I’m being weird. I know I’m being paranoid about stupid stuff. I know this whole consent shit is stuck in my head. But I need you to take the lead this time. Like fully.” I closed my eyes, knowing how ridiculous I sounded. She couldn’t want someone like me. Someone who could barely get past all their stupid fucking issues, even if it meant making love to the woman they were falling for.

  “You have my permission,” she uttered. “Do I have yours?”

  “Yes,” I breathed. “You don’t need to ask.”

  “Well, that’s how I feel too. You don’t have to ask me, either. I’m already yours. I was yours the very moment you walked into my office telling everyone your annoying story about coffee stains on my white suit.”

  I cracked a smile, opening my eyes. “Yeah?”

  “Yes.” Her face was gentle and vulnerable as she stared up at me.

  Was she going to be able to lead this? Because I really needed her to, just this once. Just when I wasn’t sure, she surprised me, standing taller, lightly touching my face, bringing her soft lips to mine as carefully as she
could.

  Her mouth moved against mine.

  I rested my other hand above her on the door frame, returning her slow kiss, savoring the taste of her gentle mouth. It had been far too long since we’d last kissed. My body lit on fire, my cock instantly growing thick, as the need to be inside her started to double by the second. I missed her. I missed this. All the other crap got in the way. It felt amazing to get back to where we were now.

  Some primal part of me wanted to sweep her up in my arms and carry her to the bed, saying fuck you to my insecurities, but this other broken piece inside me screamed let her take control, because I needed this.

  She continued to kiss me, moving her hands down my chest, taking my breath away when she loosened my shirt so she could trace her fingers across my abs. Only when she reached and unbuttoned the top clasp on my suit pants did I feel the need to utter, “Inside the room, Lana.”

  “Hush,” she told me, pressing her hands against my chest. I dropped my hold on the door frame and stepped backward as she put pressure against me, moving me, pushing me inside.

  The door automatically closed once we were out of the way.

  She guided me back into the room until my legs hit the bed, forcing me to sit. And then, without hesitation, she started undressing right in front of me. My eyes remained glued on her—so damn transfixed—as she slowly removed each piece of her clothing, one by one, until she was naked.

  “Damn, woman, you kill me,” I breathed in awe of her beautiful. Her skin looked so soft and milky, screaming to be touched. I traced a hand up her thigh, over the perfect curve of her ass, but she quickly slapped me away.

  “Don’t touch.”

  My mouth dropped open.

  “I’m serious.”

  I licked my lips, closing my mouth. Okay. She was getting into this, taking her role as the one in control very seriously. And I loved it.

  My clothes were the next to go. I let her take them off me, helping her when she struggled, until I was buck-ass-naked, sitting on the edge of the bed, pretty damn desperate to see what she’d do with me now that she had me.