Mirage

by Ashley Suzanne

  I think with all my might to get my hand to work with my brain and finally get my hand to the buzzer. I shove the buzzer off my bed, but it’s connected to a cord that’s attached to my hospital gown. My panic is mixing with my sobs. There is no worse feeling than not having control over your body and right now I’m in pure hell. I just want to crawl onto Skylar’s lap and have him hold me.

  Skylar stirs again as my heaving whisper of cries continue. His eyes flutter open and then a look of almost pure shock is written across his face. He stands from the chair, stretching like he’s trying to wake himself up, but looking at me as if he’s seen a ghost. Carefully walking over to me, eyes almost popping out of his head, I hear his voice, “Mira? Mira, can you hear me?”

  My sobs slightly lessen as I nod my head, in short up and down motions.

  “Mira, I’m here, I’m here, shhhhh,” Skylar says brushing the hair off my sweat soaked face and rubbing my head. “I’ve got you, you’re ok. Just breathe sweets.”

  Again, I nod. “Water,” I croak out.

  Skylar walks over to the table next to the chair he was sleeping on. He grabs a white plastic cup with a straw sticking out of it. Skylar walks over to the sink in the opposite corner of the room, rinsing the cup and filling it with water. He slowly moves back to the side of my bed, placing the straw into my mouth to let me have a sip.

  I don’t know if it’s because of the amazing sex last night or if it’s because I’m so parched, but this water might be the greatest thing I have ever tasted. I can’t help but attempt to devour the entire cup Skylar poured for me, but he stops me, removing the straw from my mouth.

  “Slow down Sweets. There’s more where that came from,” Skylar jokes.

  After having some water and quenching my thirst, my throat feels a lot better. I try to move my arm to hold Skylar’s hand as he pulls a chair to the side of my bed and leans towards me. My arm still feels heavy and stiff. I can move my fingers but the actual lifting, it’s harder than it sounds.

  Sky must have noticed me staring at his hand so he leans on the bed with his elbows on the thin mattress and putts his arms at a ninety-degree angle and rests his chin on his closed fists. Why is he acting so strange? He must know I want to hold his hand, but he makes no gesture to oblige. If anything, he’s trying not to touch me.

  “Skylar?” I am able to get out much easier. It took me a little bit of time to annunciate his name, but at least I said it without pain.

  “Mi, I missed you so much. I knew you would come back. God, I just knew it. Everyone thought I was crazy, but I wouldn’t give up on you. I couldn’t.”

  I glance at the cup of water that Skylar set down on the table next to my bed. He read my mind, when he lifted the straw again to my mouth to let me drink. Removing the straw from my mouth, he places the cup back on the side table. I cock my head to the side, trying to process what he just said. He missed me? Why? Knew I would come back?

  “Mira, can you talk to me? Can you tell me what you remember?”

  Taking a deep breath I start to talk, but my brain feels clouded and I’m not sure if I can form a coherent thought, but I try to anyway. I need to understand what happened between going to bed and waking up in a hospital room.

  “I remember Kylee leaving to go back to Grand Rapids to get her stuff,” I say slowly. My head is so jumbled it feels like I have lost a whole period of time.

  “Then we were lying on the couch watching a movie,” I say. Skylar is staring at me, with a similar confused look on his face. How are we not on the same page?

  “The last thing I remember is going in the bedroom, making love and going to sleep in your arms. And now I wake up here. What happened babe?” I ask, taking a deep breath. I really don’t get why it’s so hard for me to talk or speak a few sentences without feeling completely winded, like I just ran a marathon. I am utterly exhausted from speaking just a few words.

  “Mira, I am really…” Skylar starts to say as I close my eyes. “Mira?” Skylar says with panic in his voice, jolting me back awake. I try again to lift my hand and am able to get it closer to Skylar. I just want to touch him, feel him. I need for him to touch me.

  “Sky, give me your hand please.”

  Skylar looks bewildered. Like I’m Medusa and I have snakes for hair. Reluctantly he places his hand underneath mine and I clench my fingers around what I can and hold on.

  “Sky, please tell me what happened. Did someone break into the apartment? Are you okay? Is Kylee okay?”

  Taking a deep breath, he lowers his head and starts to speak softly.

  “I’m going to call a nurse Sweets. We can talk in a minute okay?”

  “Sky, please just please tell me what happened? What happened between the time we went to bed until now? Did someone break into the apartment? Are you okay? Just tell me, please?”

  “Mira, I really should call a nurse. They are going to want to get updated vitals and make sure you’re doing okay,” Skylar says has he pushes the call button on a string.

  A few minutes later a tall attractive blonde nurse walks into my room wearing dark blue scrubs. She has a very kind face and her name badge says Amanda. She walks over to my bed and pulls the stethoscope from around her neck and places the ear parts where they belong and bends to place the cold metal under my gown on my chest.

  “Well hello Ms. Adams. I’m Amanda and I’ll be your nurse for the next few hours. Do you think you’re up for answering a few questions for me?”

  “Yes, that’s fine, go ahead,” I respond.

  “Let’s start with a few easy ones. Can you tell me your full name please?”

  “Mira Rae Adams.”

  “Good. Now can you tell me the full name of this young man?”

  I look at Skylar and smile, “Skylar Landon McBride.”

  The nurse looks towards Skylar and he gives her a nod acknowledging that I was correct.

  “Mira, do you know where you are?”

  “I’m at a hospital. I don’t know which one, but for sure a hospital.”

  “Good job,” Amanda says as she’s sliding the cold metal of the stethoscope down the back of my gown, listening to my breathing sounds in my lungs.

  “Last question and I’ll let you and Mr. McBride catch up and then you really should rest. Do you know why you’re here?”

  “I have no idea what I’m doing here. Last thing I remember is going to bed with Skylar and then waking up here.”

  Nurse Amanda gives Skylar a puzzling look and he shrugs his shoulders.

  “You were in an accident, do you remember?” Skylar asked.

  I shake my head no. It’s my turn to look at him confused. Oh my God, do I have amnesia? No, I can’t. I remember everything, except how I got here.

  Trying to take in more of my surroundings, I see a lot of flowers, cards and balloons. A lot of stuff has accumulated for just a few hours. I wonder if my mom has been called. Has she been here? My eyes dart between Nurse Amanda and Skylar, I’m pleading with them to tell me what happened.

  “Mira, look at me please?” Skylar pleads. I shift my eyes back to focus on his face. He looks different but the same, if that makes any sense. Of course, he’s still Skylar, but he looks exhausted. Normally is face is clean-shaven except for a goatee, but now he looks rough. A lot more facial hair and the hair on his head appear longer. His eyes look sunken in with dark rings around them. Feeling panicked again, knowing that I haven’t just been here for a few hours. More like a few days.

  I feel my breathing hitch and my heart start to pound. Tears well up in my eyes as I ask him to continue with my eyes, not saying a word. If I speak, the dam will break.

  “Mr. McBride, keep it simple. Don’t overwhelm her. She really does need her rest. I know it seems like she has been resting for a while, but she should take it easy,” Amanda says attaching a blood pressure cuff to my arm.

  “Mira, maybe we should wait to talk about the accident,” Skylar says squeezing my hand, trying to keep me calm.

  �
��What the hell is going on, Skylar? This is all wrong. What the fuck is going on?” I ask trying to catch my breath.

  “You were in an accident. The night of graduation, you and Danny crashed on the highway.”

  “Sky, I know. Danny died. But what does that have to do with me now?”

  “What are you talking about Mira?” Skylar asks me, confusion seeping out of his pores.

  “Are you kidding me? Danny died that night, you were there. We went to grief therapy together. Why are you looking at me like that?” I yell. Ok not so much a yell, but I did raise my voice.

  Skylar looks at me like I just said the Pope isn’t Catholic, “Danny just went home to shower and get a fresh change of clothes. He’ll be back in like twenty minutes.”

  I stopped breathing. This isn’t right. Danny died. I was there. I felt it. I cried. I grieved. I buried my future husband. I slept in his hoodie. I moved on. No, this can’t be true.

  “Mr. McBride, I asked you to keep it simple and not upset her,” Nurse Amanda says glaring at Skylar while she looks worried at the numbers that appeared on the machine next to my bed. “Her blood pressure is too high,” she says to Skylar then turns towards me, “I need you to keep calm. I know you’re taking a lot in right now, but the most important thing is keeping you healthy until the doctor can check you over.”

  All this talk about keeping calm is really freaking me out. Starting to hyperventilate I dart my eyes to Skylar, “Danny’s dead,” I whisper.

  “Nurse, would it be ok if you gave us some time alone. I promise to keep her calm,” Skylar pleads with the nurse.

  “Ok, Mr. McBride, but I’ll be monitoring her from the nurses station. The minute I feel that she needs a break, I will be back,” Amanda says to Skylar.

  Turning towards me, “Ms. Adams, you are in control of this situation. If this is too much and you need a break, press your call button. You might be experiencing a little bit of atrophy right now, so you might feel stiff, even a little pain when you move. This is normal. With more movement, you’re muscles will start to function properly again. The doctor will give you a better diagnosis when he gets here. I paged the on call attending. As soon as he gets here, he’s going to need to assess you. Are you okay with me leaving the room?”

  “That’s fine,” I whisper not removing eye contact from Skylar.

  Atrophy, that makes sense. Knowing this little bit of information makes me feel so much better.

  Amanda walks out of my room and Skylar sits on the end of the bed, looking at me like I’ve lost my mind. I still see the love in his eyes, but it’s clouded with doubt and I can’t figure out why.

  “Sky, please don’t sit so far away. Please come sit up here,” I say as I pat the bed closer to me, near my hips. I need him to be right next to me. I need to feel him.

  Skylar gets up, moving closer to where I asked him to sit. Forcing my body to cooperate with my brain, I lift my arms and brace myself to scoot over to allow him more room to be comfortable. He stands at my bedside, studying the area. Maybe he was wondering about hurting me.

  “Babe, I’m okay, please just sit with me,” I say grabbing his hand, inviting him to sit with me.

  “Mira, I don’t want this to look bad when Danny gets back. I really shouldn’t be sitting here like this,” Skylar says as his eyes focus on the cold generic tiles on the floor.

  “Why do you keep talking about Danny? He died Skylar. I was there. Did you get hurt last night? Just please tell me what happened. I feel like you think I’m crazy,” I plead.

  “He didn’t die Mira. He was pretty banged up, but he made it. You on the other hand, hit your head pretty hard when you flew off the back. I have never been so scared. You looked like you were dead. When you didn’t wake up, everyone thought you were gone.”

  My throat feels like it’s swollen and won’t let me swallow, almost like I had an allergic reaction to his words. “No Skylar, he did die. I remember. You held him when he died. You took me home from the funeral. You moved in with me when Kylee moved away.”

  Disregarding the discomfort and pain, I push my hands into my hair, shaking my head back and forth.

  “This isn’t right Skylar. I remember it so clearly,” I cry into my arms.

  I feel Skylar shift on the bed, moving closer to me and finally embracing me in a hug. Cupping the back of my head, pushing it into his shoulder, I continue to sob until I feel like I have nothing left to wrench out.

  “Mira, it’s going to be okay. Danny will be back soon and you will see for yourself. We’ve been here every day. Kylee’s been here and so has your mom.”

  Skylar releases me from the hug and moves back to the spot he initially sat in at the foot of my bed, watching me intently. Watching me almost as if he’s waiting for me to breakdown and freak out.

  “NO! HE. IS. DEAD,” I yell, “He left us. We grieved and we moved on.”

  “You must have dreamed it Mira, because I promise you he’s very much alive. He will be back with coffee. Watch that door, Mira. He’s going to walk in any minute.”

  “It wasn’t a dream. It was real. You and me Skylar. We are real and we moved on, together.”

  Getting off the bed and pacing the room, Skylar runs his hands through his disheveled dark hair. It looks like he’s going to pull it out by the roots. Moving back towards my bed, he sits down at my hips, leaning in so close that if I were to move my head an inch, I would be at his mouth, which is what I do.

  “Mira, don’t,” he pleads.

  “No. I won’t stop. I finally figure out where I’m supposed to be and you won’t even kiss me,” I say in a loud whisper.

  “You don’t even know what happened, Mira. You wake up after seven weeks and think that your fiancé is dead and that we’re in love or something,” Skylar says, straining to get his words out.

  “We are in love. We’re madly in love. You and I grieved the loss of Danny and we found love in the process. We found each other. The way it should have been from the beginning.”

  “Do you have any idea? Like really, any clue, how long I wished you would say something like that to me? How I have wished that for just five minutes that you were mine, so I would know how it felt to be loved and wanted?” Skylar says, tears welling up in his eyes.

  My heart is breaking for him. My own tears start to flow as I grab his hand, pulling it to my mouth, kissing his knuckles. “I am yours Skylar. Stop telling me I’m dreaming. I know what is real,” I say placing his hand over my heart, “This is what’s real. The love I have for you. The way you make my heart flutter and skip a beat. That is real.”

  “Mira, please stop. I can’t have this discussion with you. You are not mine; you have never been mine. For the last four years, you have been Danny’s, no matter how much I wished it weren’t true. The bottom line is that I could only dream that you loved me the way I loved you,” Skylar says pulling to pull his hand away.

  “You told me before that in your mind, I was always yours. That you would always love me. That you would take care of me and never leave me. You said that if you ever had the chance, you would show me that you would be worthy of my love. How don’t you remember this?”

  Skylar’s face turned as white as my generic sheets, “You heard me?”

  Finally, he remembers. My heart flutters. I am finally getting through to him, “How could I not hear you? After we made love, we were laying in bed, facing each other. You pushed a piece of hair behind my ear, out of my face. You kissed my nose and rested your forehead against mine and told me all of that. I’m so happy you remember. I told you this was real.”

  “Mira, I have loved you from the second I saw you freshman year. I wanted to talk to you, but Danny beat me to the punch. I never questioned it, because he was my best friend. I grew up with the kid. When you and Danny went down, I was terrified. I was so scared that I would never get to tell you how I felt about you. The doctors said to talk to you, that it might help. That’s what I did,” Skylar says, stopping to dry the tears com
ing down his face and falling onto my bed.

  “Every day that you were asleep, I told you how much I loved you, how much I missed you. How I would love you forever. Promised that if I ever had the chance, I would make sure to tell you all of my feelings. You were asleep when I told you,” Skylar says drying the rest of his tears.

  Shaking my head, I grab his hand again and pulled it to my chest. “Skylar, I know you. You are my forever. I wasn’t dreaming. I wasn’t sleeping. I was right here with you. You can’t tell me it was a dream. Dreams aren’t like this. Don’t you get it? You just told me that my fiancé is alive and all I want is you. You are always what I wanted.”

  “Please believe me Mira, I want you more than I want anything else. You don’t know what you’re saying. You just woke up after almost two months and think you love me because you have a head injury,” Skylar says shifting in the bed.

  “I have never been more sure of anything. I am in love with you and you with me. What else is there to know?” I ask, anger and frustration building in my body. I feel like I’m going to explode any second. I try to keep calm knowing that as soon as my blood pressure gets too high, that nurse is coming back. She can’t come back until Sky knows this is fucking real.

  Skylar leans into me and grabs something from around my neck. Pulling it up right in front of my eyes, I see my engagement ring from Danny on a small silver chain. “This is what else there is Mira. This is it. You don’t love me. You just think you do. You love Danny and he loves you. You guys are going to get married and I’ll be there. I’ll be his best man. I’ll watch you marry someone else, because I love you that much.”

  “Damnit, he might not be dead, but he’s not mine anymore. You’re mine Skylar,” I yell. Taking my hand and hitting my own chest, “You’re in here. You’re so deep in my heart, there isn’t room for anyone else.”

  Adjusting the height on the upper portion of my bed, I raise myself up so I’m literally meeting Skylar eye to eye. I focus in on him staring deep into his crystal blue eyes that I have seared to memory. They are so vivid I close my eyes and still see them. Every damn detail.