All the Broken Places

by Anise Eden

  “Thank you,” Kai acknowledged matter-of-factly. “Your mother says she is here today to support you in this ritual.” His eyebrows knit together as though he were listening carefully to something. “I hope you understand this, because I don’t. She says she’s glad you’re taking good care of the blue turtle. Do you know what she means?”

  The blue turtle. A gold brooch in the shape of a turtle, inlaid with blue opal. It was one of the few things I’d kept of my mother’s. It sat in a red-velvet jewelry box on my dresser. “Yes, I know,” I whispered.

  “Okay. She mentioned that as a way of letting you know it’s really her. She says to tell you she loves you very much, and she apologizes for crossing herself over.”

  All at once, I felt my mother’s presence. I caught the faint aroma of her coconut hand cream. My throat felt like it was closing up.

  “Rhona says that you two are very similar. She was an empath, too, although she tried not to use her gifts. She feared them, so she suppressed them, ignored them. Still, she couldn’t stop absorbing negative emotions, and eventually it got to be too much for her. She began to envy her dying patients, how close they were to a release from the pain. Her thoughts became distorted. She wasn’t in her right mind when she took those pills.” Kai paused as though listening to a voice that no one else could hear.

  So my mother had been an empath? My eyes swelled with tears. The cool air blowing on my head became icy and strong. What the hell was going on?

  Kai continued. “She has seen everything you’ve been through since she passed, and she is sorry. She’s been working to protect you from toxic surges for the past couple of months, but if she’d had any idea how much you were struggling while she was alive, she would have stayed here and tried to help you. But since you never told her about your gifts, she was able to remain in denial. She didn’t want to admit to herself that you were like her, because she didn’t want to imagine that you might suffer like she had. Where she is now, though, she is healthy, happy, and at peace. She doesn’t want you to worry about her.”

  I closed my eyes against the room. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.

  “Okay.” There was a pause as Kai appeared to be listening for something. “She’s telling you that it’s important to stick with the MacGregors. She knows that you think about following in her footsteps. If you don’t accept Ben’s help, she’s afraid you’ll end up like her.”

  A sob caught in my throat.

  “Oh, honey, much sorrow,” Kai said, his tone grim. “She would have much sorrow if you joined her now. Much greater things are meant for you in your life. Wonderful things.”

  Tears were dripping onto my T-shirt, but I couldn’t make my arms move to wipe them from my cheeks.

  “Cate, she is pulling her energy back now, but she is going to stay close by as we do the ritual. She will be supporting you, and she says don’t be afraid of your power. Okay everyone, it’s time.”

  I sat perfectly still and tried to push down the rising sobs with deep breaths.

  Kai stood up and held his hands palms down over the crystal configuration on the floor. “Ultimate Divine, we invite you to release your servant, Cate Duncan, from her human limitations and open her to the source of all power so that she may fully experience her gifts and embrace the destiny you have set forth for her in this lifetime.”

  I opened my eyes. Kai had moved his hands over my head and was chanting something silently. The air in the room began to hum and vibrate. Suddenly he clapped his hands three times over the crown of my head. The cold air that had been blowing on the top of my head turned into freezing water. It flowed in, filling me like a glass. My whole body felt icy. I started to shiver.

  Kai lowered his hands to his sides. “Thank you, spirits, for attending today to support us in this ritual. Please hold us all in the palm of your hand and continue to give us your guidance and support. Amen.”

  “Amen,” the others chimed in. As everyone’s eyes opened, Vani, Eve, and Asa exchanged looks of wonderment. Kai smiled excitedly at me, but his face quickly twisted with worry. “Good lord, someone get this girl a blanket.”

  Ben was already on his way, taking the steps up to the stage two at a time. He unrolled a wool blanket and wrapped it around me. My teeth started to chatter. “Get away from me,” I managed to whisper.

  Looking startled, Ben gestured to Vani who took over blanket duty.

  Kai pulled a chair up next to me and put an arm around my shoulders, rubbing to warm me up. “That was amazing. Your mother is such a clear communicator. Don’t worry; you’ll warm up in a minute. Spirit energy is cold. There must have been some powerful ones here to freeze you up this good.”

  I gave Kai a pleading look. “What just happened?”

  “Oh no! You look terrified! Relax; there’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s like I told you, very simple. We invited some spirits to support you, and we opened you up. Like an auric steam bath. Your energy is as smooth and clear as a baby’s bottom now.” He smiled. “Using your gifts will be a snap.”

  My skin started to tingle painfully, like a limb that had been asleep and was finally waking up. “My skin hurts.”

  “I know,” Kai said sympathetically. “Like when you overuse a loofah. It doesn’t last very long, maybe a few minutes. I think we should take you upstairs where you can rest.” He turned to Ben. “Can we put her in your office?”

  “Of course,” Ben said.

  That was the last place I wanted to go, but I didn’t have the strength to object.

  “Can you take her, Vani? I’ve got to straighten up down here,” said Kai. Vani held the blanket around me as we made our way off the stage and upstairs to Ben’s office.

  She sat me in one of the club chairs and brought me a mug of tea. “That was fascinating,” Vani said, closing the door. “We don’t usually have a spirit come through as clearly as your mother did, and the energy in the room was really powerful.”

  Tears filled my eyes again. Vani put her arm around my shoulders. “What is it? Are you okay?”

  “I’m not sure,” I whispered. “I guess I’m just freaked out.”

  She gave me a knowing smile and retrieved some tissues from the desk. “I’m not surprised. Kai is really talented. The abilities the rest of us have can potentially be explained away. That’s why I get so frustrated with skeptics—not you,” she clarified quickly. “I mean other people.”

  I nodded, grateful for her kind distinction.

  “But when Kai connects with someone as clearly as he did this morning, it’s really hard to find a way to dismiss what he does.”

  “It’s not even that so much, although it’s partially that. It’s more than that.” My voice came out in a whisper as I asked, “I mean, do you think that was really my mom?”

  Vani tilted her head to one side. “Can you think of anyone else it could have been?”

  I started to cry again.

  “Cate, I’m sorry. Maybe I’m saying the wrong things.”

  “No, it’s not you.” I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “But if it was her…she was a home hospice aide. If she was an empath, too…”

  Vani’s eyes widened. “Oh, I see what you mean. That must have been unbelievably hard, especially if she didn’t have any paranormal training or supports.”

  I tried to imagine what it must have been like for my mom, spending every day absorbing the emotions of people who were dying and the loved ones who were losing them. A sob caught in my throat.

  “Oh no. Now I’ve done it. Do you want me to get Ben?”

  “No!” A surge of anger cauterized the flow of my tears.

  Vani shook her head. “What is going on here? You two seemed okay yesterday, but today, it’s like there’s a layer of frost between you.”

  I dabbed my face with a tissue. “I guess you could say we had a fight.”

  “Oh.” She took a seat in the other armchair. “I can’t say that I’m surprised. He can be difficult.”

 
“He’s using blackmail to keep me here. I’d say that’s being difficult.”

  “I see.” Vani’s wide brown eyes grew wider, and I could tell that she was reluctant to get in the middle of our dispute. “Well, all I can say is that Ben may stick his foot in it from time to time, but it’s always with the best of intentions. If you can find it in you to give him the benefit of the doubt—”

  “And why would I do that?”

  “Because he might be trying to protect you. He’s kind of chivalrous like that, even if he’s clumsy about it.”

  What in the heck was she talking about? “What could he possibly need to protect me from—besides himself, I mean?”

  Vani took a seat in the chair next to mine. “Look, life in general isn’t very easy for sensitives, especially right now. At other points in history we were more highly valued as healers. We were taken care of by the societies in which we lived. As it is now, we’re forced to live like everyone else in the modern world. The Western lifestyle in particular is quite incompatible with who we are. That’s why sensitives have such high rates of addiction, mental illness…”

  And suicide, I thought. My head began to throb.

  Vani took my hand. “Ben and Dr. MacGregor understand all of that, which is why they try to help people like us.”

  Whether or not what she said was true of the MacGregors, as far as I was concerned, it still didn’t excuse Ben’s behavior. “I understand your point, but I’m a therapist, Vani. I think I would know if my problems were that serious.”

  She shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not. No offense, but this isn’t exactly your area of expertise, Cate, and it isn’t child’s play. The things you’re going to be learning here are very powerful. They can be wonderfully healing—or incredibly dangerous if you don’t treat them with respect.”

  The more she sounded like Ben, the more irritated I felt. “I know you’re trying to be helpful, but I’ve taken care of myself for a long time, and I’ve managed to survive so far.”

  “I get it,” she said gently. “I do. You’re a grown woman. You don’t want to admit that you need looking after. But you do, for a while anyway.” She shrugged. “I did, too, in the beginning. It won’t be like this forever though.”

  Just as I opened my mouth to argue, there was a knock on the door. Vani leaped up to open it. As she let Ben in, she headed out, saying, “Get warm, and I’ll see you later!”

  I really, really didn’t want to be alone with Ben. I fixed my eyes on my mug of tea.

  He sat in the armchair Vani had vacated. There was a long pause and though I didn’t look at him, I could sense that he was struggling to find the right words. “Cate.”

  “Please don’t talk to me.”

  “All right.” There was another long pause. I slowly took a sip of tea.

  He spoke again. “I just wanted to say—”

  I shot him a warning look, but he was determined. His voice was ragged with emotion. “I’m sorry. Normally spirits don’t communicate with Kai until at least a year after they’ve crossed over. If I’d had any idea that your mother might come through today, I would have warned you. I can’t imagine what a shock that must have been.” His expression was sharp with pain, and I could tell that he was being honest.

  Not that it mattered, after what he’d done to me earlier. “You would have warned me? Well, thanks for that,” I said coldly and forced my eyes back to my mug. “I’d like to be alone now if you don’t mind.”

  “Okay, sure.” He stood and headed for the door. “We’ll talk later. I’ll be in the lounge if you need anything.”

  Once he was gone, I put the mug on the desk and curled into a ball on the chair, glad to finally have a moment to myself.

  I closed my eyes. “Mom, was that really you?” I whispered. Silence. “If you can hear me…” The tears started to flow again. “I’m sorry that I was so clueless. I had no idea how much you were suffering. Thank you for letting me know that you’re okay.” My shoulders started to shake. “I really wish you were here.”

  And then I didn’t know what else to say. I let the tears take me.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I must have fallen asleep because I was awakened by the sound of lowered voices coming from the lounge. I heard one of them say my name, so I stood up and crept over to the door, which stood slightly ajar.

  As I walked, I felt something hanging around my neck. I looked down to find that I was wearing a silver pendant. I held it up for a closer look. It was stunning—round and slightly convex with concentric circles carved into the surface. Two overlaid strips of silver formed a cross. When I let it hang down, the pendant fell just over my heart.

  I figured it must be the totem Kai had promised me. Someone had slipped it on me while I slept. I strained to hear the voices outside.

  “—sound asleep in there,” I heard Vani say.

  “All right, Benjamin Angus MacGregor, what did you do to her?” Kai stage-whispered.

  “Only what I had to do to keep her here,” Ben muttered.

  “And that was what, exactly?”

  I could hear Ben speaking, but his voice was too low for me to make out words.

  “Well, good lord,” Kai exclaimed, “no wonder she’s mad at you! You couldn’t have tried a box of chocolates? We can’t lose her, Ben!”

  “I know that,” Ben said, “but not for the reason you’re thinking!”

  Kai sounded wounded. “I’m not just thinking about us. I’m thinking about her, too. And you can believe what you want, but I know what your father told me.”

  His father? I figured I must have misheard Kai. As I leaned in closer to the door, I heard a loud thud as though someone had kicked something. Then silence. I stood stock-still, afraid to make a sound.

  After a moment, Vani spoke. “Ben, not to get too personal, but your aura is all lit up like a Christmas tree.”

  “That’s enough, Vani,” Ben warned.

  “I’m merely pointing out that your feelings for her might be clouding your judgment.”

  “I said that’s enough!”

  “Color me surprised,” Kai said dryly.

  “My aura is not the issue here!”

  “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist that juicy Kama Sutra figure of hers,” Kai said. “Well, that explains a lot. No offense, Ben, but we all know that when it comes to women, you’re like a bull in a china shop.”

  “And what would you know about women?” Ben growled.

  “If you’re going to go there, then some kind of feelings are definitely clouding your judgment!”

  Vani interrupted. “Can we please sit down and take a deep breath before you two wake her up?”

  I heard the telltale clunk of Pete’s boots entering the lounge. “All right, all right, break it up,” he said good-naturedly. “Kai, have you been gettin’ Ben all riled up again?”

  “Would you please do something with your boy?” Kai said. “He’s acting so bullheaded, he’s about to drive Cate right out the door!”

  “Well now,” Pete said patiently, “how do you know Cate’s not actin’ as bullheaded as he is?”

  Thanks a lot, Pete, I thought.

  Thankfully, Kai replied, “If she is, she’s certainly justified.”

  “I’m sure you’re right, darlin’,” Pete said, “but you know the best person to talk to a jarhead is another jarhead. Maybe you and Vani should give us a minute—go downstairs and polish some rocks or somethin’.”

  “Fine, you talk to him,” Kai said. “And they’re diaspore crystals from Mulga, not rocks.” I heard what sounded like an air kiss then two sets of heeled shoes clicking slowly away. “Semper Fi,” I heard Kai call back down the hallway. I stifled a laugh.

  I heard bodies settling into seats. “What’s the story?” Pete asked.

  A heavy sigh. “I think I screwed up.”

  “Nothin’ new there,” Pete said. “What happened?”

  Another sigh. “She was trying to leave, so I pulled out the big guns. Maybe too bi
g,” Ben said.

  “What’d you use?”

  “Nelson.”

  “Hmm, yeah,” Pete said. “I bet she didn’t like that.”

  “No, she didn’t.” There was a moment’s pause. “Kai thinks I should have used chocolate.”

  Pete chuckled. “That would have worked—on Kai.”

  “You’re right. That’s the problem,” Ben said, his voice a rumble. “I don’t know what’s going to work on Cate. She’s so…”

  After a pause, Pete suggested, “Stubborn?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Like you, you mean?”

  “Well, yeah. I’m sure that’s one reason we keep butting heads.”

  “You know, when you’re breakin’ a horse, you can’t come at it head-on,” Pete pointed out. “You gotta come at it from the side, talk real gentle, rub its neck, then slide the harness over its head so it hardly knows what happened.”

  While I got the impression that Pete was trying to help me in some twisted way, I wished that he had found some way to do it without comparing me to livestock.

  “If I could use a harness,” Ben grumbled, “we wouldn’t need to have this conversation.”

  I resisted the urge to bang my head against the wall.

  “True, true,” Pete said with a hint of amusement. “All I’m sayin’ is, she’s a good filly. She might just need a softer hand. Like that saddle-shy first lieutenant at Quantico.”

  I scowled as this comparison was followed by chuckling from both men.

  “I understand what you’re saying,” Ben said, “and you’re probably right. But I don’t think we have time for that. It’s not only that she’s stubborn; she’s also dangerous. Left alone, I’m afraid she might hurt herself.” I could almost hear him running his fingers through his hair.

  “What makes you think that?”

  “I had reason to suspect before, but in this morning’s ritual, her mother confirmed that Cate thinks about suicide. And you know when someone’s both stubborn and self-destructive—”

  “That’s a highly combustible combination,” Pete said. “I see what you mean. Well, if that’s the situation, you’d better get a handle on it.”