All the Broken Places

by Anise Eden

  Ben’s eyebrows rose as I spoke. When I finished, he sat quietly for a few moments, hands flexed on his knees, considering. “You know,” he said finally, “one of the things that impresses me the most about you is the amount of heart you have for the people you love. I haven’t seen that level of courage very often outside of the Corps.”

  Another blush feathered across my cheeks. “Thank you,” I said, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

  “And you’re right,” he said. “Maybe it’s not my place to ask you to change that about yourself. But I think I might have a solution to this problem, as well.”

  Cautiously intrigued, I folded my arms. “I really can’t imagine what that might be.”

  “Well, no, you wouldn’t. It has to do with my mother.”

  I scooted closer to be sure I’d heard him properly. “Did you just say your mother?”

  He nodded. “I talked to her about us, and she said that in her professional opinion, given our unique personality traits, the unconventional nature of our program, and our probable future together as colleagues, she believes a relationship between us wouldn’t breach any ethical boundaries—provided that you initiate things, of course.”

  Dr. MacGregor had said that? “She did?”

  “Mm-hmm.” He spread his hands out with a flourish, as though revealing a hand of cards. “So, problem solved.”

  He looked so satisfied with himself that I figured I must have missed something. “Problem solved how?”

  Ben reached out and took my hands in his again. This time, he stroked my palms lightly with his thumbs to hypnotic effect. “If we’re dating, hopefully you’ll feel comfortable asking for my help if someone you care about is in danger. Then I’ll handle the situation and you won’t have to put yourself in harm’s way. No more problem. What do you say?”

  As he spoke, Ben’s touch kindled its usual process in my body. Tendrils of warmth wended their way from my hands up my arms, then slowly spread from head to toe. I wasn’t sure if that was causing my confusion, or if he was just being cryptic. “Wait, what do I say to what? Promising not to put myself in harm’s way, or dating you?”

  Ben tilted his head slightly, as though the answer should be obvious. “Both. Like I said, they go together nicely.”

  I was so disoriented by the twists and turns our conversation had taken—especially the involvement of his mother—that I had no idea where to go from there. I decided to tap into the portal; at least then I’d know where Ben was coming from. I willed the door to open, and all at once, his emotions crashed into me like a waterfall. Ben’s determination to keep me safe was eclipsed only by the sheer force of his caring and passion for me. I inhaled sharply, flooded by his feelings.

  As our eyes locked, a latch inside of me that I kept tightly fastened suddenly came undone. An exquisite need pulled my heart painfully toward his. Trembling, I tugged one of my hands out of his grasp and laid it against his cheek. “You mean it, don’t you?” I whispered, stunned. “You really want to be with me.”

  “More than I’ve ever wanted anything,” he murmured, the truth of his words surging through the portal. “All I need to know is, do you want the same thing?”

  So this was the moment of truth. Ben wanted an answer. My mind froze. Anxious thoughts churned. Did I want the same thing? Was it possible that we were moving too fast, too soon? If I started something with Ben, how could I be sure I wouldn’t screw it up like I had with everyone else I’d ever dated?

  At the same time, though, a calm certainty emerged from deep within me: Yes, this is right. This is what you want. Ben is where you belong. As that quiet knowing filled my heart, it seemed as though we’d been dropped underwater. Everything in the room disappeared, leaving only Ben and me.

  The heat Ben’s touch had ignited in my body kept building until my attraction transformed into craving. He inhaled sharply as my eyes fell on his lips. I slid as close to him as I could and tilted my head up. Pushed forward by a tide of longing, I placed one soft kiss on his lower lip and another on his upper one. Ben’s mouth opened slightly as his breathing grew fast and hard. Then I shifted to the side, my lips nearly touching his earlobe. “In case you were wondering,” I whispered, “that was me initiating.”

  Ben turned his head and in an instant, his mouth was on mine—softly inquisitive at first, then frankly passionate. My body began to respond of its own accord. I pressed myself against him, my arm sliding around his waist. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me even closer. As though in answer to a question his lips were asking, I felt my own lips part.

  As his tongue pushed gently inward, though, a bolt of panic shot through me. This was the point at which every previous kiss with anyone other than Sid had turned into a disaster, ending with me stammering excuses and running from the room. I turned my head to the side and broke the kiss.

  Still holding me close, Ben asked, “What is it? Are you okay?”

  The blood in my face pounded. “I’m just scared, you know, that I might have trouble tolerating…” Too humiliated to say more, I shrugged.

  “Cate, I’m sorry.” His arms tightened around me. “Of course you’re scared. I should have thought of that before. But you have nothing to worry about. As long as you’re wearing your pendant, you won’t absorb my emotions or anyone else’s. You’re protected.”

  “Oh, of course. That’s right.” How could I have forgotten? I reached up and touched the pendant. Could it really be that simple? But the fearful part of me—the part that remembered past failures and didn’t want a repeat with Ben—couldn’t quite believe it. My pulse skipped and stumbled.

  Ben brought his hand up to my chin as his eyes searched mine. “I’ll tell you what. You’ve been through a lot this week. We have plenty of time to explore the limits of your pendant,” he said, the gold flecks in his iris flickering. He glanced around the room and nodded toward Sid’s racy card deck. “Maybe this would be a good time to play a few hands.”

  I swallowed hard. My whole body protested the end of the kiss and clamored to have his lips on mine again. But as he spoke, I could feel my heartbeat growing steadier and the flush of panic ebbing away. Maybe he was right; there was no need to rush things. I slid my arms around him and squeezed, burying my face in his chest. “Thank you,” I whispered.

  Ben wrapped his arms around me. “Anything for you, Cate.” He stroked my hair, kissed the top of my head, and murmured, “Anything but let you win at cards, that is.”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Hell Week, Day Seven: Graduation Day

  The next morning, we reached the church before the others. Ben said he had some things he wanted to discuss with me before everyone else arrived. He had spent the night on my couch—“just in case you need me,” he’d said. Ben had also awakened before me and made us both coffee and scrambled eggs. Then we stopped by his mother’s house so he could get a change of clothes.

  Ben opted for his usual business attire, while I wore jeans and a peasant blouse. Although our uniforms hadn’t changed, given the shift in our relationship, it felt a little strange to be back in his office again, sitting on opposite sides of his desk.

  Thankfully Ben took the lead. “So, you survived Hell Week. As of today, you’ve officially graduated to the internship portion of your training. Congratulations.”

  He made it sound so formal that I couldn’t help smiling. “Thank you.”

  “Before we talk about whether you’ve decided to join us for good, though…” His voice became soft and intimate. “There’s…something I want to ask you.”

  I’d never seen Ben look so unsure of himself. I figured that could only mean one thing. Goddamned Pete, I thought. “Pete told you, didn’t he?”

  Ben appeared puzzled at first, but then said, “Everything that has to do with you, yes.”

  I knew it! I thought with an exasperated sigh. “Well, it’s not actually any of your business.”

  Ben raised an inquisitive eyebrow. “It isn’t?”

>   “No,” I said, “but if it helps you to know this, I’ll satisfy your curiosity: I did not sleep with Sid the other day, okay?”

  Ben leaned back in his chair and clasped his hands behind his neck. “You didn’t?”

  Suddenly feeling restless, I stood up and walked over to the window, looking up at the white autumn sky. “After Pete left, we just talked. And we decided not to see each other anymore—not like that, anyway. From now on, we’re just going to be friends.”

  “I see.” Ben walked over, stood behind me, and wrapped his arms around my waist. “I’ll admit that it’s nice to hear the competition has officially dropped out.”

  I was reminded once again of how easy it was for Ben to flip my switch to the “on” position. It was a bit exasperating—especially when I was trying to do something. Like think. Or speak. With no small effort, I pulled myself out of his embrace and returned to my chair. “Are you satisfied now?”

  Ben went back and sat behind the desk. “While I appreciate your openness, the truth is, I already knew that nothing happened with Sid.”

  I gaped at him. “What do you mean you knew? Did Pete secretly stick around with binoculars or something?”

  “Oh no, he wouldn’t have dared—not after what you did with that umbrella,” Ben said, visibly amused. “Although he did keep driving a two-block radius around your house until he saw the living room light go out and the bedroom light go on. Then he assumed Sid was spending the night.”

  “Argh!” A hot flush exploded across my face. “I knew it! Pete and his lies.” I pointed an accusing finger at Ben. “And you!”

  Ben held his hands up as though my finger were a gun. “Okay, yes, I told him to keep an eye on you—from a distance—but as you recall, I had legitimate reasons to be worried. After you chased him off, though, Pete decided to stick around all on his own. He couldn’t reach me to discuss it, remember? I was in the hospital. My phone was turned off.”

  “And if he had been able to call you, what would you have told him to do?”

  A deep indentation formed between Ben’s eyebrows. “We’ll never know, will we?”

  “Very funny.” I rolled my eyes—still seething, but slightly less.

  Ben slowly lowered his hands. “If it helps, Pete was really kicking himself when he found out later that Sid had left and you’d gone to Elana’s.”

  Imagining Pete’s face when he realized I’d given him the slip did help a little. “That still doesn’t explain how you knew nothing happened with Sid.”

  “I knew because I know you. You have a loyal, honest heart. Now that you understand how catalysts work, I figured you’d be too worried that you might be using Sid, even unintentionally.” He held his hands up again. “Not that it would have been any of my business if you had.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut. “So Sid wasn’t what you were going to ask me about.”

  “No, but you clearly wanted to get something off of your chest. I didn’t want to interrupt.” Ben leaned forward and folded his hands on the desk. “Anyway, to go back to what I was saying…”

  Out of sheer annoyance, I decided to steal his thunder. “You want to know if I’ll join your group. Yes, I’ll join your group. Okay?”

  I’d been thinking that one over. Even though Ben could be obstinate as hell, Dr. Nelson had been right. As much as I hated to admit it, I’d come to realize that my old job had been getting the better of me. And as painful as it was going to be to leave my clients, the MacGregor Group might be a better place for me long-term. While I would’ve much preferred to have a choice in the matter, the truth was that the church was already starting to feel like home. I figured it was worth a try at least. “Now are you satisfied?”

  “That makes me very happy, yes.” He came over and sat in the chair next to mine. Then he took my right hand and held it between his. “I couldn’t be happier, in fact. Welcome.”

  The combination of his touch and the sincerity in his eyes warmed me. “Thank you,” I said tentatively as the magnitude of what I’d just agreed to struck me.

  “And that was one of the questions I had for you, so I’m glad we got that settled.” He slid one of his hands out from under mine and reached into his pocket. “But there is one more thing.”

  He lifted my right hand. Something hard and cool slid onto my ring finger. I looked down. There sat a stunning gold ring set with a flat, round stone. The band consisted of two delicately carved birds, curving around each other and holding the stone in place with their beaks and the tips of their wings. The stone itself was highly polished and looked as though it had been colored with luminous brushstrokes of orange, red, and gold.

  I whispered, “What is it?”

  “Scottish agate. Do you like it?”

  “It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” I felt the blood pounding in every part of my body. “But I mean…why are you giving it to me?”

  Ben lifted my hand and placed a kiss on my finger just above the ring. I shivered. “I know that you’re prone to anxieties and doubts,” he said softly. “I want you to have something solid to remind you of me when I can’t be with you, to remind you how I feel about you.”

  “Oh.” I’d never told him how alone I felt, and how often. His sentiment touched me deeply. “So it’s a gift.”

  “Yes.” His eyes shone. “Will you wear it?”

  I looked down at the ring. Exquisite and unusual, it appeared to be handcrafted, as though it might be one of a kind. I figured it must be worth a lot of money. And we’d only been dating for one day… It felt like a wild bird was trying to beat its way out of my ribcage. “I don’t know, Ben. I mean, it’s quite a gift.” I bit my lip. “What will other people think?”

  “Come over here.” Ben helped me up and pulled me onto his lap. He drew me close and stretched my arm out, holding up my hand so that both of us could admire the ring. I felt the vibrations in his chest against my body as he murmured in my ear, “This is a gift from me to you. No one else has to know about this if you don’t want them to. The goal is to make you feel less anxious, not more. It can be our secret if you like.”

  “Oh.” The wild bird was somewhat soothed.

  Ben ran his finger along my jaw line. “I know we just started dating yesterday, but there has always been something between us—or was I the only one who felt it?”

  That day in the parking lot, in the rain, when he scared the living daylights out of me. “No, you weren’t the only one. I felt it, too. I just didn’t think that you did.”

  “Well, I tried not to,” he quipped, “but we both see how that worked out.”

  A smile played on my lips. I dropped my hands into my lap as I leaned back against him, letting my head fall onto his shoulder.

  Ben tilted my head, swept the tail of my braid aside, and placed a kiss just beneath my earlobe. I barely suppressed a moan as my fingers twisted around the hem of my blouse. “Also,” he said, “since it’s been such an intense week, we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well in a short period of time. And there’s another thing.”

  Ben kissed my neck again, a little bit lower. I sucked in a sharp breath. “What?”

  “You’re very easy to fall for.” With his hand on my cheek, he turned my face toward his. His eyes were dark with desire. “May I?”

  I froze in place, bracing myself for the coming panic attack. Ben had said he was falling for me. That sounded serious, and whenever past relationships had approached “serious,” I had promptly freaked out. I sat in trepidation, waiting for the heart palpitations, the shallow breathing, the sweaty palms, and worst of all, the feeling of dread.

  But by some miracle, none of those things came. Instead, in that moment with Ben, I fell into a great calm. I felt comforted and warmed, like I was sitting by a campfire on a cold night. Ben’s words called to my heart, and instead of responding with terror, it opened up like a fist uncurling, as though it had been waiting twenty-six years just to hear his voice. Somewhere in the core of me, a strong e
motion swelled, filling my chest to the point of bursting.

  And on top of that, Ben wanted to kiss me. My body began to tremble. I was halfway through a whispered “yes” when Ben’s mouth found mine. In an instant, we were right back where we’d been when I’d stopped him the night before.

  A powerful rush of attraction started in my belly and spread throughout my body as my mouth worked urgently to drink him in. His mouth responded with the hunger of the reunited. I reached up and tangled my fingers in his hair, and I felt his hands sliding into my braid.

  The longer we kissed, the more Ben’s energy encircled me—warm, golden, and electric. But as he’d promised, the pendant was working. Although his energy was all around me, I wasn’t absorbing it. And I was feeling no emotions but my own—which was a relief, because mine were powerful enough.

  As though he’d read my mind, Ben pulled away. My lips keened silently as he whispered, “How’s your pendant holding up?”

  “Fine,” I whispered. I tried to pull him toward me, but he resisted.

  “Of course, you can’t wear the pendant every minute of every day,” he whispered low. “Eventually we’ll have to find a more permanent solution. But I’m glad to hear that it’s working for now.”

  A more permanent solution? That made it sound very much like he intended to kiss me again, at some future point in time—and again, and again…

  Before I knew it, Ben’s mouth was again covering mine, his insistent tongue finding its way inside. We lost ourselves completely, no thought of anything but devouring each another and becoming one, body and soul. My muscles went weak and my breathing became fast and ragged. All of the places inside of me that had been empty were being filled by him.

  I was overwhelmed by emotions I still couldn’t identify, let alone express. But the weight of the ring on my hand gave me courage. I poured everything I was feeling into our kiss, like Prometheus releasing fire into the world. The volcanic heat between us kept building until I was certain that I would burn up from the inside out—and in that moment, there was nothing I wanted more.