Lisa Lutz Spellman Series E-Book Box Set: The Spellman Files, Curse of the Spellmans, Revenge of the Spellmans, The Spellmans Strike Again
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Lastly: When people ask me if my characters are modeled after anyone I know, I usually say “no” and that’s the truth. However, Mort Schilling shares many traits with my grandpa Milton Golden. Grandpa Milt wasn’t a defense attorney, but a paint company executive. No matter what, the temperature of his coffee was wrong and he had no problems asking for assistance. I think he would have liked this book…if I removed all the swear words.
1 Depends on whether you count #2 and #3—I don’t.
2 “Old” refers to the age of the friend, not the length of our friendship.
3 “Disappearance” means “vacation” in the Spellman household. I will explain the origin of this later.
4 Temporary restraining order.
5 Morty likes to Yiddishify my name.
1Notice the case number. The only other case Morty had this year was his nephew’s traffic violation.
2Morty and I have a standing lunch date every week. I will explain how we met and the nature of our relationship in due time.
1In case you’re wondering, I know when to give up the shtick.
2Inspector Henry Stone. I’ll explain all about him later.
3In this instance, the word “vacation” is being used in its traditional sense.
1Generally I’m opposed to the use of finger quotes. There are rare exceptions.
1Who happened to be my partner in crime during most of my delinquent years.
2I’ll get to him in five pages or so.
1Will explain the chronic tape-recording later.
1Will briefly explain Rae’s negotiation habit shortly.
1Bureaucracy, she claims, is the natural precursor to a fascist state.
2Rae would later express bafflement over this request.
1Aunt Grace was on my father’s side. The Spellmans are notorious micromanagers; even bequests must be used according to the deceased person’s bidding.
2Word used in its traditional sense.
3Her revisionist definition.
1mensch or mensh (ménsh) n: pl. mensch•es or mensch•en (mén’sh∂n) Informal A person having admirable characteristics, such as fortitude and firmness of purpose.
1Yes, a stage name.
2In San Francisco this is an unbelievable deal.
3I said it before I realized how it sounded.
4Huh?
5The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.
6Ex-boyfriend #9—Daniel Castillo, DDS.
1Only two flights, but need I remind you again how exhausted I was?
1Can’t wear Mom’s clothes; she’s a size 2.
2There is absolutely no logical reason why this exit should be used exclusively in case of fire.
3Score! The only thing on the Spellman menu that morning was lower-Dad’s-cholesterol oatmeal.
4Based on one anecdotal piece of evidence. See previous document—The Spellman Files (now available in paperback!)—for a full explanation.
5The temperature in San Francisco in winter rarely dips below freezing. While I’m on the subject of San Francisco weather, anyone with the urge to quote Mark Twain should think twice (see appendix).
1To her friends; I was not her friend, so I always called her Mrs. Chandler.
2While it is true that Petra’s and my academic interests were limited at best, we always perked up in history class when Mr. Jackson went on tangents regarding the many crimes of our founding fathers.
3Ironically, Petra and I performed actual library research to determine our alterations to Mrs. Chandler’s lawn. In fact, we probably learned more history from our attempts at sabotage than we ever did in school.
4And, some might argue, historically accurate.
5And we drank every last one of them.
6There was also the drug-reference subtext.
7Years later, my father would say that this one was his favorite because of its “sheer simplicity.”
8Petra’s boyfriend at the time.
1A bit late for a mid-life crisis to begin, but he makes up for it, as you will see.
2No matter how many times I asked, Dad always failed to come up with a plausible explanation for how this happened.
3Note: this was not a comedy.
4His guilt would come in handy for years to come, I thought to myself.
1Just a figure of speech. I never arrive at anything sharp. It was around 3:15 P.M.
2Thirty-three pages ago, Dad said Mom was at the dentist. Remember?
1Not yet.
1Albeit a flawed quarter-carat diamond.
1Place of birth makes collecting background information much easier.
2The entire series is now available in a box set from Time Life!
3An international spy organization—the good guys.
4Maxwell Smart, Agent 86.
5The international organization of evil.
6Best known for his role on The Love Boat.
7Max’s girlfriend. Her name is never revealed.
8He’s actually a very good agent, but he has a crying problem.
9There is an amusing lack of follow-through in the defecting agent’s story. She is shot but still alive, and yet Max never seems to call an ambulance for her.
10If you are unfamiliar with the old patty-cake trick: This is where two men (usually) pretend to play patty-cake and then surprise their would-be attackers by punching them.
11Yes, I offered to help, but he said no.
12This was yet another bullet point in my suspicious behavior report on Subject.
1While it had been previously established that Rae now had friends, witnessing it still seemed out of the ordinary and worthy of a report.
1This was a question with an anticipated answer of “no.” Asked just to be sure.
2Until eighteen months prior, Rae’s weekly visits—a.k.a. shakedowns—with David had resulted in an income of almost $100 a month. My parents put the kibosh on that when they found a hollowed-out algebra book with almost two grand inside.
1Dad’s long-lived undercover name.
2A dummy business name that our firm uses for cases that don’t require an extra element of privacy.
1pas•ta (päs-ta) n: 1. Unleavened dough, made of wheat flour, water, and sometimes eggs, that is molded into any of a variety of shapes and boiled. 2. A prepared dish containing pasta as its main ingredient. 3. SpaghettiOs, RavioliOs, or any other canned dish containing a semolina flour product and red sauce.
2My mother had left one dining rule upon her departure: no pizza. Rae was apparently losing interest in all other main courses and my mother wanted to cut her off cold turkey. She even went so far as to call most of the regular pizzerias in the neighborhood and convince them to refuse us service in her absence.
3I’ve discovered that astrology talk is really the best way to get a DOB out of someone. Unfortunately I know very little on the subject. However, I know much more than my sister.
4Ten days away from Henry and she’s off the wagon.
5Rae was choking. I told her to study the zodiac, but she didn’t think it was necessary.
6Yes, Rae was very disappointing in this charade. If this were her own investigation, I guarantee she would have prepared better.
1Which had grown quite full from our habit of stuffing them.
1Which has a 75-percent accuracy rate.
1I made that suggestion so he could have more time to memorize the details.
2For a partial list of Mom’s criteria for men, see appendix.
1I played early-riser, hoping to get more information. This almost killed me.
1Another detail that went into my report on Subject.
1By me. Have not yet established whether this is a universal stance.
2Spellman definition applies here: disappearance.
1My parents’ rule is that Rae can eat junk food on the weekends only.
2The subtext of this glance was “If you ruin this, I will make your life a living hell.”
3There was, indeed, a memo (see appendix).
1Morty was trying to drag this out as long as he could, I realized.
1As a former cop, Dad’s use of the f-word was loose and frequent. But as a father he discovered that by moderating its use, he could use it as a warning sign to his children.
1The investigator will bring in anywhere from $15 up. My going rate is $25/hr on surveillance; $20/hr for investigative work; $15/hr for administrative (which I try to keep to a minimum).
2The last four thinking about how badly I wanted to pee.
3Henry explained that if we engaged her in conversation, the time would pass. The goal was for time to feel endless.
1That is, unless I decide to fight dirty. Stay tuned—sibling brawl to come.
1 90 percent of which was based on my own behavior.
2Do not try this at home.
1See previous document if you would like all the details—The Spellman Files, now in paperback!
2Sorry, had to give up that one detail.
3Notice how I am being vague and not offering any further details on Subject’s and my relationship.
1You think I wouldn’t know the details of a sport called ‘hurling’?
1Notice the swapping of “you” and “for.”
1If you are not privy to our sibling ESP, we both decided at the same time that we needed Subject’s trash.
2Garbology on security-savvy (i.e., shred-happy) people is always a painfully dull chore.
1I know. Not wise.
1Not a true statistic, but probably in that ballpark.
2The man knew how to make coffee.
1She said this while scratching her nose and avoiding eye contact. According to basic body language interpretation, this was most definitely a lie.
2The lie did not go unnoticed.
1Purely a manipulative tactic to keep Henry around longer.
2Research and reconnaissance.
1I’m good, huh?
2Now available in paperback!
3The #1 most popular female name, according to the same source above.
1Our standing lunch date is Thursday, but I didn’t want to wait, and Morty, as usual, was free.
1Morty likes to eat most of his meals on the early side.
1I had relaxed the “sugar only on weekends” rule since there were so many far more serious rules I had broken during my stay.
1Another detail for the SBR: keeping large sums of cash handy.
1Planning on being late for school.
1She actually used that word.
1In fact, not a lie.
1Squinting and tapping on a bluff, and a “look of disdain” on a winning hand.
2No, I didn’t.
1I’m pretty sure this was a gift from my sister so she’d have some music to listen to at his place.
1Dad’s one of those people who think television is interactive. We have tried to cure him of this vile habit, to no avail.
1The first season of the new series. Technically, not the first.
2In this episode the doctor and his sidekick, Rose, travel to the year five billion to watch the sun swallow the earth. But the real trouble is that there is a murderer amongst the aliens who have convened for the big event.
3The doctor and his sidekick, Rose, travel back in time and meet Charles Dickens and some zombies.
4During World War II, a spacecraft crashes on Earth, spreading matter into the air that alters human DNA and causes gas masks to adhere to people’s faces, and then they roam the streets of London saying, “Are you my mommy?” Hard to explain. You should probably just watch the episode. Warning: It’s surprisingly scary.
1 Yes, April 1st is an unfortunate date for a birthday. I’ll spare you the historical details.
1Wormlike creatures that fit into human bodysuits as a disguise and are frightfully gassy.
2Evil alien beings that resemble a cross between a bronze R2-D2 and a thimble, with a gooey squid center on the inside. They appear to pose the greatest risk of ending humanity.
3A time-travel machine that appears from the outside like an old-fashioned police call box.
1Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky (Review: four out of five stars—hard to keep track of all the characters.)
1It had been only four weeks at this point; however, I was mostly healed.
2A habit that died two years later when he read research on high-fructose corn syrup.
3Only half a stick of Dentyne, because fighting dirty isn’t David’s style. He fought back merely to hold his ground. His heart wasn’t ever really in it.
1For further information, please see the first document. (Now available in paperback!)
1Bring your own booze.
1Unless I was running Spellman Investigations, I couldn’t expect to make more than the high 30s per year. And that’s a good year.
1Note to self: End casual mentioning of restraining order.
1Around $400 retail.
2I only took one. Where was the other?
1We realized after the fact that this would make us related, and we determined to widen the number gap if we were to do a repeat performance.
1Although I never stopped introducing myself as his life coach.
1This time, uttered by me.
1No, don’t do that. But if you do, tell them I read your manuscript and think it’s great!
2Marysue had to pay because David wasn’t sure his credit card would work.
3Perhaps an “acting” editorial assistant does not make sense. I’m actually not in the mood to elaborate.
4 If you’re in the market for one, he’s located in Beverly Hills.
5 He was simply held for questioning; no arrest was ever made.
6 But not Mike Joffe.
ALSO BY LISA LUTZ
Curse of the Spellmans
The Spellman Files
SIMON & SCHUSTER
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020
www.SimonandSchuster.com
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2009 by Spellman Enterprises, Inc.
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Simon & Schuster Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.
SIMON & SCHUSTER and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
ISBN-13: 978-1-4165-9711-7
ISBN-10: 1-4165-9711-5
eISBN-13: 978-1-4516-5936-8
Visit us on the World Wide Web:
http://www.SimonSays.com
For David Hayward
REVENGE OF THE SPELLMANS
CONTENTS
THERAPY SESSION #19
Part I: UNRESOLVED ISSUES
THE PHILOSOPHER’S CLUB
THERAPY SESSION #10
HOW I ENDED UP IN THERAPY
THERAPY SESSION #1
WHERE WAS I?
THE END OF THE ROAD
CASE #001: CHAPTER 1
JUDAS
RAE’S WAR
NO GOOD DEED
PEACE TALKS
THE NEGOTIATION
CASE #001: CHAPTER 2
DAVID’S SECRET
“DO NOT THROW ANY PARTIES…”
GOOD-BYE, DR. IRA
CASE #001: CHAPTER 3
THE RAE/MAGGIE/HENRY STONE SITUATION
SPELLMAN TROUBLES
CASE #001: CHAPTER 4
Part II: REGRESSION
WRONG TURNS
KILLING TIME
THE PSAT PROBLEM
THE DI
SCOVERY
SQUATTING 101
CASE #001: CHAPTER 5
NEW DAVID
HELLO, DR. RUSH
LUNCH WITH DAD
MORE MAGGIE
THE YIDDISH PATIENT
GABE “DATE” #2
JOB INTERVIEW #1
JOB INTERVIEW #2
DAVID’S SECRET
MAGGIE’S SECOND MYSTERY
CASE #001: CHAPTER 6
THERAPY SESSION #14
Part III: PROGRESS
THE RANSOM PART I
THE MORTY PROBLEM
MY NEW JOB DAY 2
INVISIBLE ISABEL
THERAPY SESSION #15
CASE #001: CHAPTER 7
THE RANSOM PART II
CASE #001: CHAPTER 8
CLOSE WINDOWS BEFORE WASHING
THERAPY SESSION #17
MAN TROUBLE
SOMEWHERE ELSE
NEW INFORMATION
THE RANSOM PART III
THE RANSOM AND OTHER STUFF
CASE #001: CHAPTER 9
DISAPPEARANCE #4
DATE, INTERRUPTED
CASE #001: CHAPTER 10
THE GUY AT THE BAR
THE LAST LUNCH
THE PHILOSOPHER’S CLUB
CULTURE 101
THERAPY SESSION #19
Part IV: EVEN MORE PROGRESS
CASE #001: CHAPTER 11
MOM’S CONFESSION
STUNG
RAE ARREST #1
GOOD-BYE, MORTY
GOOD-BYE, MILO
HELLO, BED
THERAPY SESSION #20
TWO CAR CHASES AND A BUDDHIST TEMPLE
ARE YOU MY BLACKMAILER?
CASE #001: CHAPTER 12
CASE CLOSED
LOOSE THREADS
FOILED LUNCH
FAMILY THERAPY SESSION #1
EPILOGUE
APPENDIX
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
THERAPY SESSION #19
[Partial transcript reads as follows:]
DR. RUSH:1 Two weeks ago you mentioned that you were being blackmailed.
ISABEL: Did I?
DR. RUSH: Yes.
ISABEL: Must have slipped my mind.
DR. RUSH: Would you like to talk about it?
ISABEL: Nah.
DR. RUSH: Well, I’d like to talk about it.
ISABEL: It’s really not that big a deal.
DR. RUSH: Do you know your blackmailer?
ISABEL: I’m in the process of narrowing down the list of suspects.
DR. RUSH: How does your blackmailer communicate with you?