by Cherry Kay
“Is that why you don’t know what we are? Are you afraid of commitment? Are you afraid of getting into a serious relationship with me?”
“Don’t turn this into something you think you can get away from. If I asked you the same thing, would you give me a straight answer?” he snapped.
He heard her inhale sharply.
“I thought so,” he said with surprising relish.
Iesha shook her head, opened the door, and slammed it shut, walking up to the building.
He lingered in the same spot for a while, wondering why he couldn’t tell her the entirety of what he felt. All he saw was her, and it had been almost too easy to deny Ana Paula of his affections; it had been too easy to decline her request—but seeing her again tonight had made him feel confused. His father’s presence must have been his undoing.
He had paid for dinner so he could show his father he was doing well, far better than his father had back in his day. Ana Paula had done that flamboyant farewell on purpose, going so far as to invite them to her wedding, saying that in front of Iesha. Iesha naturally felt terrible, singled out and snubbed.
Ana Paula had been jealous of Iesha, it was clear. It showed in the way she hugged his mother, in the way she invited them to her wedding, when only last night, she had nearly begged for them to get back together. That kiss meant almost nothing to him, and if it did, it only meant that she had regretted her decision and had swallowed her pride last minute to tell him she still wanted things to get better between them, all in vain.
He saw the lights from her flat flicker on, and he shook his head. How was he going to fix this now? He drove back home, feeling more miserable than when dinner had started. He didn’t have the situation under control. Once again, he couldn’t control his temper. Was this why Ana Paula had broken up with him in the first place? When he got mad, he knew he was as sarcastic as anyone could get, and he knew he could be harsh. It was only natural that people lost their tempers, and he was under pressure from negative emotions.
“Only when I’m in love,” he had told her.
“You’re…you’re in love with me?”
He said he was in love with her, only he didn’t act like he was in love earlier. He knew it wasn’t the right time to apologize. In fact, he didn’t want to, not yet, not when she was angry, and not when he was angry.
As soon as he got back to his flat, he saw his phone displayed three missed calls, all from Anita. He frowned and threw his phone on the bed, flopping down on it as well. Falling in love was easy. Proving to someone that you loved them was what was difficult.
What the hell am I doing? To myself? To her?
Chapter12
“I thought you were over her,” she suddenly told him, unable to keep herself quiet any longer. She didn’t want to say it, but it was clear from what she had seen tonight.
“I am,” he replied. She saw his grip on the steering wheel tighten.
“She’s pretty.”
She felt the need to make him hear how she was feeling, felt the need to comment that she was pretty. How would he react? At first, he didn’t say anything.
“You didn’t acknowledge her,” she had added.
“Of course I did, even if there was nothing worth acknowledging.”
“You couldn’t look at her.”
“And your point is?”
“My point is… you haven’t gotten over her,” she concluded.
“You don’t know me well enough to conclude that,” he said harshly.
He was right. They had barely scratched the surface with each other, and here she was judging him for his actions and words. Still, it didn’t give him merit to treat her like that. She felt like she was attacked personally by his ex-girlfriend.
“And you had no idea your ex-girlfriend would be there?” she couldn’t stop asking questions. She wanted to get to the bottom of his emotions. She wanted to know it all.
“No,” he said, “Of course not. I wouldn’t have wanted that to happen.”
“Why?”
“Why? Why? Do you even have to ask? It made things awkward… you were there, and she was there.”
“But you’re over her, so you say.”
“I said I was over her, I didn’t say I wasn’t affected by her presence anymore. That’s what happens when you love people too much…” he stopped quickly.
It was unbearable to hear, and yet it was the truth. So the ex-girlfriend had gone to his office, to convince him to get back together with her, just when she was about to get married? It felt like a lie. It felt like she was being completely played.
“Is that why you don’t know what we are? Are you afraid of commitment? Are you afraid of getting into a serious relationship with me?” she asked him. Her tone was demanding, but she didn’t care anymore. They were just inside his car, anyway.
“Don’t turn this into something you think you can get away from. If I asked you the same thing, would you give me a straight answer?” he snapped, looking at her for an answer. When she didn’t say anything, he said, “I thought so.” Alex had sounded triumphant, like he had been waiting for the opportune moment to rub it in her face, that he wasn’t the only one who had unresolved emotions for an ex.
Iesha couldn’t respond to it. In fact, she found herself biting her lower lip, and her heart pounded.
Inside her apartment, she sat in semi-darkness. She couldn’t cry, and she was glad she couldn’t. But she was feeling this unmistakable feeling of sadness, a sadness caused by someone loved. She hadn’t felt this in a while, feeling the intensity of it just a little over six months ago.
She had been nervous, talking to his father, but she thought she did a good job. She’d had an inkling that it was Ana Paula talking to Ildefonso, the woman whose back was turned against them when they walked into the restaurant.
Iesha had paid no attention to it first, remembering that he had said he was in love with her. He had been honest enough to confirm that he would still be affected by Ana Paula, like she would be of Terrence, if that ever happened. As the night wore on, however, she saw how uncomfortable he had become, and Ana Paula just had to make a grand exit, showing off how close and loved she still was by his family.
It made her feel terrible; she had allowed it to get to her. Ana Paula was his past, and she was his present. Present? Who was she kidding? She was in no position to say she was his present. He couldn’t acknowledge what they were. She couldn’t acknowledge what they were. I’m not that desperate to have a boyfriend. Do we even need titles? Can’t we just be friends? Constant dates?
Constant dates did not have sex with each other, unless they were that starved. I’m not starved of affection, she told herself. What she was starved of was inspiration, a sense of peace and fulfillment, something she thought was important when she flew to Spain, and it was something she thought she had found in Alex.
Everything is temporary, she thought bitterly, and she was stuck here in Spain for the next two months, without a store to manage, and without that happiness she had been chasing.
I was happy a few hours ago, and then he just had to go all nostalgic about her.
Ana Paula was indeed a beautiful blonde. She had looked almost regal, dressed to the nines in that fancy restaurant, with her sleek Louboutin heels and her hair in soft waves. She hadn’t bothered to ask about her in depth, knowing it wasn’t good to open a can of worms.
He’s not over her, but he’s in love with me? How is that even possible?
She remembered the way Ana sized her up, and for a moment, she felt small, but she told herself she wouldn’t be bullied. Alex’s mood changed things for her, and it made her vulnerable; she was defenseless all of a sudden. All she wanted was for him to display some semblance of affection for her, something he hadn’t done since he saw Ana Paula’s back. What did I want? A gold star? A label that says ‘currently dating Alex Gonzalez’? The same degree of admiration from his family? Anita wanted her there, not just Alex, and she’d had a good conversa
tion with Alex’s father, until Ana showed up.
Am I blaming someone I don’t know for what’s happening between me and Alex? We’re not even a couple.
So, Ana had gone as far as kissing him, in an attempt to get him back. It didn’t work, she thought. She’s still sending over invitations, even if she cheated on her fiancé already by kissing her ex-boyfriend. How did Alex feel? He shrugged it off so quickly, it made her doubt how he felt about her.
A person was no one’s property, but Ana sure made it seem like anyone could be property. Iesha closed her eyes, almost tempted to call home, and then she thought of Terrence. What was he doing now? Did that woman give birth already? Was the child carrying Terrence’s family name? She had fought against the feeling for so long, fought against the pitiful stares of the people who whispered about their aborted wedding. It was funny how Alex’s and her situation almost mirrored each other.
She knew she needed to sleep it off. Tomorrow was going to be a long day of flamenco lessons, and a long day of denial. Iesha was almost tempted to go home, back to California. She wanted a hug from her mother and words of comfort from her father. Comfort was important now, in a country where she knew no one, except for Alex. Her mother’s relatives were scattered across the globe, and she could call on no one. Was it time to date other people? They weren’t a couple. She didn’t need his blessing to date other people.
Nothing was perfect, even if it had seemed like it. That glossy surface actually had a lot of cracks. She was making architectural references, now? Damn it. She suddenly wanted to cry, just to release some frustration. Iesha closed her eyes and willed herself to sleep.
She stayed up until four in the morning.
*
Alex hadn’t had a good night’s sleep at all. In fact, he hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in two days. It was Sunday morning, and he found himself driving for his parents’ house in Sitges. He needed to be far away from work, far away from his own apartment, and far away from Iesha, wherever she was in Barcelona.
His mother was in the library, content with a book on her lap.
“Hello mama,” he greeted her.
Her arms stretched out to hug him. “How are you?” she asked him.
“I’m fine,” he told her. “You’re a sight for sore eyes though.”
“You look like you haven’t slept.”
“Work,” Alex told her.
“I asked you to bring along Iesha, but you didn’t reply.”
“She’s busy with work.”
“Come take a seat,” she told her son, patting the empty space beside her.
“Where’s papa?”
“Somewhere in town,” she told him, “you’re safe for a while. So we can talk.”
“Talk? About what?”
“About anything. I may not have been present during most of your adolescent life, but I know when something’s wrong with my son.”
“There’s nothing wrong with me.”
“Yes, keep telling yourself that.”
Alex shook his head, and took to standing by the window, watching as the sun’s rays glistened on the pool’s cold waters. The place didn’t need sprucing up at all. His father had every right to be called one of the greatest architects in the world. The man certainly knew how to take care of property.
“Has the heater for the pool been installed?”
“Why? Do you want to swim? It’s a cold day.”
“I haven’t exercised properly in a while.”
“There’s the gym, you know.”
“I want to swim,” he said, stubbornly.
Ines looked at her son with a tinge of concern. “I think we need to talk.”
“I think I need exercise.”
“You’re always so avoidant when you have problems.”
Alex laughed dully. “I’ve just been stressed out.”
“It didn’t seem like it, until Ana Paula came along last night.”
Alex’s eyes narrowed. “Ana Paula isn’t my concern.”
“But Iesha Thompson is?”
“She isn’t mine, either. We aren’t together.”
“Is that why you didn’t invite the lovely young lady here for our usual Sunday gathering?” his mother asked him, observing his reaction.
Alex didn’t flinch, but his eyes showed a torment that couldn’t surface anywhere else. “She just couldn’t come.”
“I spoke with Anita.”
“You always talk to Anita.”
“It’s about dinner last night, is it not?”
“Dinner was great. The service and food were amazing.”
“Has she changed your perspective?”
“Iesha?” Alex looked confused.
“Ana Paula’s presence.”
“How annoying is that? She invites you to her wedding.”
“She invited all of us.”
“She did that on purpose, to make me feel uncomfortable.”
“Come now, Alex. She’s getting married. You two broke up…what, two years ago?”
He shrugged. “You just feel it’s alright because you weren’t the one dating her. I know father still sees her as his future daughter-in-law. He made Iesha feel uncomfortable.”
“She seemed fine to me.”
“That’s the problem with people like her. They always think they’re fine, and they’re good at pretending. Father was rude. If I had a say last night, I’d have blasted him for making Iesha feel bad.”
“What is going on?” his mother asked him. It was her turn to be confused.
“It felt like father was comparing Iesha to Ana, however subtle. The intent was there. He wanted her to feel uncomfortable.”
“I didn’t see that last night. Iesha enjoyed talking to your father.”
Alex looked agitated. “Ana Paula isn’t as great as you think she is. You guys don’t know the whole story.”
“Well, if you told me your side of the story…”
“You still want Ana Paula in my life and in yours, right?”
Ines was quiet for a moment. She put down her book and stared at her son who was still standing by the large window. His facial expression showed how terrible he was feeling inside. What was bothering him so much?
“It isn’t my choice, Alex. You know I loved Ana like she was my own daughter. You two were together for six years. Of course I miss her… but it doesn’t mean I want you two back together. Whatever happened between you two…”
Alex sighed. “It happened a long time ago. I’m sorry, that was rude of me.”
“Something tells me this isn’t over yet.”
*
Dinner was a quiet affair. Anita couldn’t make it, owing to some hospital-related emergency. It was just the three of them, and the sounds of cutlery against porcelain were louder than their current conversations.
Alex knew his mother was still observing him, and he tried not to show any sign of weakness. His father spoke about the lovely dinner last night, and how Anita had discovered his new favorite restaurant in Barcelona.
“What wine was that?” his father asked his wife.
“I forgot. But yes, that was good wine.”
Alex said nothing. He remembered what wine it was. Muga Rioja Prado Enea Gran Reserva 2010, he thought. He remembered the expression on Iesha’s face the moment Ana Paula came up to their table. He couldn’t forget the look of surprise, no matter how quiet and no matter how hard she tried to hide it. Iesha knew by then who Ana Paula was.
“Ana Paula’s father called me earlier,” Ildefonso said casually.
Alex put his knife down, grabbing a glass of water. He couldn’t look at his mother, knowing the topic was headed there, and he couldn’t look at his father without seeing murder, or something close to it.
“What about?” Ines finally said, almost sighing heavily.
“The wedding, of course,” his father chuckled. “Apparently, we’ve been asked to be godparents.”
Ines bit her lower lip and looked at her son. “Are you s
ure that’s appropriate?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, Alex and Ana Paula have had a history together, and if we accept that—”
“It’s all in good faith,” Ildefonso cut his wife off with a dismissive wave of the hand. “We still adore Ana Paula, and she’s been nothing but good to us all, even to Alex.”
Alex took a deep breath in, noticeable to everyone in the dining room. “I’d appreciate it if we no longer have any communication or connections whatsoever with Ana Paula.”
His father’s eyes narrowed. “We’re good friends with her family, lest you forget.”
“Ana Paula and I are no longer together. If you keep at this, it’ll only alienate me further from you and mama,” Alex said.
“Alienate you? My boy, you’re the one who’s alienating yourself on purpose. Why? All because we don’t see eye to eye?”
Alex closed his eyes momentarily, trying to calm himself down. “You keep bringing up every failure I have, and more recently, you keep bringing up Ana Paula, especially now that she’s getting married. I’ve gotten over her, papa, and I no longer wish to have anything to do with her, even to attend her wedding.”
“She’s asked us in good faith. It means she still wants a friendship.”
“She asked us because she wants to rub it in my face,” Alex said through gritted teeth.
“I don’t think she’s that kind of lady, Alex,” Ines began.
Alex felt himself lose his temper. “You made Iesha feel weird last night.”
“I just merely asked her questions. You saw how civil and pleasant the conversation was,” his father told him.
“Because she wasn’t Ana Paula?”
“Come now, I’m not that petty.”
“Please, let’s just finish dinner,” his mother implored them.
“Why don’t we just finish this conversation?” Alex shot back.
“You don’t talk back to your mother that way,” his father’s voice became low.
“I was talking to you,” Alex said, looking at his father, his eyes narrowed, his palms clenched. “Every little thing I do isn’t enough for you, now, is it? From school, to girlfriends, to my designs, everything has to scream that it’s an achievement way more significant than yours.”