Beloved Destiny

by carol fears

  Friends came by to wish him well on his new career. His first visitor was Joshua, who came with a box of hand-rolled cigars. William was glad to see his old friend. They sat down to discuss events which had separated them for so long. Joshua regretted that they hadn't been able to tour Europe, but even more, he regretted that his dear friend had endured so much on his behalf. William, who always had a forgiving nature, assured his friend that there was no fault on his part. Fate, he insisted, had dealt him the hand he had to play, not Joshua. Casually, he questioned Joshua regarding his marriage to Carina, trying mightily to wish his friend well, or at least not letting on that the marriage caused him considerable anguish. Joshua was decidedly off-hand about his marriage and steered the conversation to card-playing and horse racing. William didn't press the point; although he knew that if HE were the lucky groom, he would be loathe to leave Carina's side. Joshua had never entertained lady friends at school, as some of the other men did, which led William to admire him for his restraint. The two friends talked until dinner time and then went together to the club for dinner. Joshua drank quite a bit, William noted, which was unusual for his formerly abstemious friend. William finally said good-night to his friend with the excuse that he had an early appointment in the morning. Joshua was drinking and playing cards when he left.

  Carina was asleep when Joshua came stumbling into her room. She sat up in bed in alarm, and noted his bloodshot eyes and unsteady gait. He knocked over a small table as he walked across the room to her bed. Sitting on the side of the bed, he looked at her for a time. "I believe it is time I fulfilled my husbandly duties toward you, my dear."

  He reached for her, but she drew away, unable to help herself. He took the neck of her gown in his hand, ripping it down to her waist. Carina was terrified of him and struggled to get away. He took both her wrists and shoved her down on the bed. She wept helplessly as he tried to unbutton his trousers, although he was so intoxicated, he was unable to manage it. He became angry, cursing, his breathing coarse and ragged. The next thing she knew, he lost consciousness falling heavily across the bed. She waited until his breathing was slow and steady, if a little noisy and got out of the bed. She changed into an undamaged gown and spent the night sitting up in a chair. She stared in the dim light from the moon in the window at her husband lying in a drunken stupor on her bed. Her stomach turned with revulsion toward him.

  Joshua woke up lying across Carina's bed the next morning and wasn't sure what had happened. He saw her sitting in a chair wrapped in a blanket, staring at him. His head was throbbing and he was queasy from the night's over-indulgence. "I trust I did not hurt you last night, Carina? I can't seem to remember just what happened. I had hoped to make love to you. I trust that I succeeded."

  Carina didn't know how to answer him. She was tempted to lie and say that he had succeeded, but she was fearful that might encourage him to make further attempts. Right now, her contempt for him was so strong that she was unable to hide it.

  "As a matter of fact, no, Joshua, nothing at all happened last night. You were quite intoxicated and passed out as soon as you came into my room. And, no, you did not hurt me physically, although I am troubled in my spirit about our marriage. I wish to know if I am repugnant to you. It would seem to me that every time you enter my bedroom you are so heavily intoxicated that you can barely walk across the floor. If there is something that I am not doing, or if my appearance is not suitable, if you but tell me I will try to improve." Carina sat still; tears flowing down her face, feeling compelled to at least try one more time to fulfill her marriage vows.

  "Oh, Carina, if it were that easy, we could live lovingly and happily ever after. But my tastes simply do not include a fondness for woman flesh. I suppose you could say that I am somewhat aberrant, but I can no more change that than I can change the color of my eyes." Joshua actually looked saddened as he made this statement. "I would like to give my parents grandchildren. I would like to be able to produce an heir, but I can see that will never happen. Perhaps if you were more seductive or compliant I might have been able to overcome my distaste for you. But, since you failed me in that, I am going to walk out of this room, and I promise you that I shall never try to force myself on you again." This last was said with a sneer of such contempt that she was taken aback by it.

  It was over, Carina thought. Her distaste for this man was so great that she could hardly keep it out of her face. He had married her under false pretenses, never loving or even liking her. He had made a mockery of their marriage and could not even provide her with children. It was all a sham. She remained silent, not moving, until he had walked out of the room.

  As soon as Joshua left the room, Carina stood up. At the risk of aggravating her sore ankle, she paced back and forth. Surely she didn't deserve this. Why should she live a lie, remain in this awful sham of a marriage. She determined to see William. If she was not to be allowed to have a happy marriage, then she was determined to find love in another way.

  The next morning, Carina told Mother Prewitt that she felt she was healed enough to take the surrey out for a little pleasure jaunt. She had been in the habit of doing this from time to time, sometimes driving to one of the sundries stores in Natchez. After examining the injured extremity, Mother Prewitt pronounced the ankle healed. Carina asked the stable boy to bring out the surrey and put old Trey in the traces. He was gentle and plodding, so no one feared that she might get hurt. She had dressed with great care that morning, her hands trembling, as she made herself as beautiful as she was could to go to William's office. What exactly she would do when she got there, she didn't know. A deep green silk gown set off her skin to perfection. The matching bonnet framed her face, and left tendrils of deep auburn hair showing. She didn't dare wear emeralds, of course, but she slipped a single strand of pearls around her neck. She opened a bottle of scent and ran the crystal stopper down her neck and between her breasts.

  It took Trey a little time to convey her to the street where William had his office. She was nervous; not sure what she would do when she got there. What if he had a client with him? In that case she would just say hello, and tell him she had thought to stop and see his new office. There were no horses or carriages in front of the building. She slipped the reins over a rail and went to the door. "William Porter, Esquire" read the sign on the glass door. Her heart was pounding and the palms of her hands were damp. Gathering her courage, she knocked on the door. When William opened the door, it was if the sun shone down on her. His face lit with delight as he pulled her in to his office and shut the door. He stood looking at her, holding her hands in his. Neither of them moved, or said a word. She was the first to speak.

  "William, I had to see you. Since the day that you rescued me after my fall, I have been able to think of nothing but you. No matter what happens, no matter what fate I encounter, I must be near you as often as I can."

  William's face knotted with worry, as he thought about what she was saying. He let go of her hands and stepped away from her. "Carina, you don't know what you are saying. You are a married woman, bound by God to honor your marriage vows. I could never allow you to put yourself in such a position. You are Joshua's wife. No matter how much I love you, I can't allow you to forget that. For me to do otherwise would bring you to dishonor."

  "William, you don't understand the truth of my marriage to Joshua. We are married in name only. I would never tell you that, but is it fair for us to be apart when I am married to a man who wants nothing to do with me? Why should we deny our love when my husband and I have never even made love?" Although Carina was blushing furiously, she was determined to tell him the truth. Tears began sliding down her cheeks as she moved toward him. "William, I love you and I need you so desperately."

  William moved toward her, taking her in his arms, kissing her deeply until she felt she might faint for joy. He removed her bonnet, tossed it aside and cradled her head in his hand, the better to kiss deeper. He drew away from her slightly, then abruptly swept her up in his
arms carrying her upstairs. Once there, he murmured soft words as he caressed the skin of her arms, her shoulders, and her neck. Her head lay back in abandon as he put his mouth to the cleavage she had perfumed so recently. His breath came quick as he unbuttoned the back of her gown and pulled lose the ties of her undergarments. Again lifting her up, he laid her gently on the bed.

  "Oh, Carina, my darling love, are you sure? Will you never regret what will pass between us? I would die of grief if I should cause you pain."

  "William, my only love, I shall die of grief if you withhold this from me. I am as sure of this as I am that the sun will rise tomorrow. We were made for each other. I want only you."

  Unable to contain himself further, William lay next to her to caress her ivory skin before undressing himself. Their bodies came together as if they were meant to be joined for all time, melded one to the other. The joy of their union caused tears again to flow from Carina's eyes, but this time from happiness and fulfillment.

  Found Out

  ary had quietly and stealthily resumed her work assisting runaways on their journey north. She was careful to keep Pebo ignorant of the fact that she was hiding people in the root cellar. She was still arranging for them to be hidden in wagons leaving the farm. Convinced that he suspected nothing, she began to relax her guard a little. Pebo was working in the house now, sleeping in a room with his father in order that they both were close to Mr. Blanchett in case he needed them. Mary always saw them at supper, which all the house servants took in the kitchen; but during the day they were not likely to meet.

  Four people escaping slavery were to be at Camellia Hill on a Wednesday night a few weeks after Thanksgiving. Mary had arranged a few blankets and a candle for them that afternoon, and planned to bring them breakfast in the morning. They were to be hidden on a wagon which was loaded with bales of cotton bound for the gin. Mary felt proud to be able to help her people and was relieved that she could stop worrying about her son being involved. She went back up to the kitchen to finish helping the kitchen girls fix supper for the house servants. After the kitchen was cleaned up and almost everybody had gone to bed, Mary quietly made her way down the cellar steps and unlatched the outer door. Standing just inside the door, shielding a candle so that just a little light could be seen from outside, she waited for the wagon that would bring the runaway slaves to be hidden for the night. Finally, the wagon pulled up and four men crawled out of the back of the wagon. Cautioning them to be quiet, she hurried them into the cellar and showed them the blankets and a candle. She told them she would be down before dawn with breakfast before the next wagon arrived. Mary turned to the other side of the root cellar to mount the steps. Just as she put her foot on the first step, someone reached out of the shadows and grabbed her arm.

  For a moment, Mary thought her heart would stop beating. Here was the moment she had dreaded for so long. She was found out and her punishment would be terrible. Years ago, a man on the plantation where she lived at the time had been whipped. All the other slaves were forced to stand around and watch. His screams were awful and each time the whip came down, the crack of it made her start. Then she saw the red blood start to flow from yet another stripe on his brown back. She trembled so hard watching this horror that her father picked her up and shielded her eyes. Mary had nightmares for years after that. Chills of fear ran through her body as she thought of suffering the same fate. She knew that she might die of it.

  The candle was too close to her for her to make out the face in the dark shadows. The man kept his grip on her arm, leading her to a second room in the root cellar, shutting the door. She was afraid to look up, thinking that she could prolong the inevitable if she didn't see the face of her captor. Oh, God, what if it was the overseer? He would probably haul her upstairs and take her directly to the master. Looking up, so terrified she thought she might die on the spot, she saw the face of the master of Camellia Hill. Her breath came in quick, panting gasps as she realized what was going to happen to her for this. Not only would she be severely punished, but God help those four souls in the other room. Mary fell to her knees, with arms up in a beseeching posture. She sat the candle stick on the ground and put her hands together as if in prayer.

  "Oh, Master Thomas, please, please don't punish me, Sir. And please don't punish those poor men-folks in there. They come from a place where so much meanness goin' on, they had to run. I couldn't say no to helpin' them, they's my people." Mary's body began shaking convulsively as tears and terror took over. She was overwhelmed by visions of her body lashed to a post while a man with a whip came toward her.

  "Oh, my God, Mary, what have you gotten yourself into? You know the punishment that you could incur. What on earth has compelled you to do such a thing? But you surely didn't think that I would punish you for this, did you? While I do not entirely approve of your actions and am aghast at the risks you have taken, I will not take you to task over it. You were doing what you felt was your duty and I must honor that. Although I am not an abolitionist, obviously, I most certainly don't approve of anyone being treated with cruelty and forced to work by the whip. And so, I will protect you in these endeavors, although this must be our secret to be revealed to no one, understand?"

  Mary couldn't believe her ears. She was sure that what she was hearing could not be real. Still shaking and crying with fear, she looked up at Mr. Blanchett with adoration in her eyes. "You would do that, Master Blanchett? You would let me keep on helping my people? You be a saint from heaven, you not stoppin' me or punishing me. I lay down my life for you, Sir." Mary took Mr. Blanchett's hand and kissed it, feeling gratitude so deep that she knew she would give up anything for this man.

  "Mary, I try to be a just man. In conscience I could do nothing else. There will come a day when there will be no slaves, even here in the South. It won't be in my time, or even in yours; the cotton culture simply won't allow such a thing. That is why I have worked so hard to breed my herds to be more productive. Cotton will eventually ruin the land. It takes all the nutrients out of the soil, to the extent that it is more and more difficult to replenish it. Things will change on the plantations gradually, putting an end to slavery. In the interval, this much I can do. I warn you to be prudent, never placing anyone in this house in danger with your actions. With that fulfilled, I will turn my back and leave you to your business. Good night, Mary."

  Turning around, Mr. Blanchett opened the door and started up the stairs. He hesitated for a moment, then turned back to speak to Mary. "Have you ever given any consideration to your son, Mary? I value him highly and have grown very fond of him, but in his best interests it might be good for him to go north. If he so desires, I will free him."

  Once again, Mary took Mr. Blanchett's hand in hers, and still on her knees, pressed her forehead to it. "I be the happiest woman in the world could that happen, Master Blanchett, it would be the best day of my life to see my boy goin' up north free to make a good life for himself. Bless you, Sir, bless you. How can I ever thank you for this kindness?"

  "Why don't you talk to Jared and Pebo. Then have Pebo give me his answer."

  Mr. Blanchett turned once again and walked up the stairs.

  Mary stood for a long time, too shaken to move. She had to sit down in the floor to allow her racing heart to slow and allow her quivering limbs to gain strength to stand. While she was sitting there, she prayed over and over; "thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus." Finally able to stand, still wondering at the amazing thing that had happened, Mary found the strength to mount the stairs.

  Trapped

  n the weeks following Carina's first tryst with William, she managed to slip away twice more to his office. Although she knew she took some risk of being seen, she simply could not stay away. She was unsure of what Joshua's reaction to her indiscretions would be, but she thought he would probably become violent. She was, therefore, surprised when he confronted her. They were at breakfast when he asked her to see him later in his office. This was not particularly unusual, since
they frequently discussed some plan or purchase there. He was sitting quietly at his desk when she walked into the room, his folded hands resting under his chin. He looked up at her, but said nothing for a few seconds.

  "Well, my dear, you have managed to surprise me. I thought you were a cowardly little girl who I could mold as I wished, but you are beginning to display a troublesome spirit."

  Carina was still standing, casting about for the cause of his dismay. "What do you mean, Joshua?"

  "I mean that several good friends have informed me that your surrey has been outside William's law office three times in as many weeks. They also confided to me that you were there for an extended time. I assured them that you were there on our business, but truthfully, I can't imagine what took you there. Don't tell me that your old crush on William has burst into flame again? Surely you are intelligent enough to realize that will get you nowhere." Now Joshua's voice was increasing in volume as a twisted, ugly look came over his face.

  "Why should you care what I do, Joshua, since you have no use for me?" Carina thought her logic was indisputable, but waited for Joshua's reaction.

  "I will tell you why I care!" Now he was shouting. "You are my legal wife, and I have absolutely no intention of being made a cuckold, of allowing you to humiliate me in front of this town and my peers!"

  Joshua picked up a bronze paperweight from his desk and hurled it across the room in anger. It hit the wall and left a small dent in the plaster. Now he was truly enraged, so much so that Carina began to fear for her safety. She began backing toward the door to make her escape, but he stood up and slapped his hand down on the desk. "Stop. Stand right there until I am finished talking to you."