If You Dare

by Sandy Lowe

  Lauren stared straight ahead down Main Street. The festively decorated shop windows and recently shoveled sidewalks were picturesque. Newly fallen snow, crisp, bright, and yet to turn gray and slushy. Tinsel still strung along power lines. The overt cheerfulness made the scene camera-ready for a Hallmark movie. So cutesy her teeth hurt. There was nothing cute about discrimination. Judgment wasn’t cute. Using power and authority and money to force Emma to conform wasn’t fucking cute. Lauren felt every ounce of rage she somehow couldn’t seem to stop. Being with Emma, opening up to her, showing her who she was, had ruined her filter for good. Now every emotion was amplified and coming at her full force.

  How could this be happening all over again? Everything that mattered to her being systematically dismantled by this town.

  No. Hold up. Not the town, not everyone, just a few people who seemed to hold all the power.

  Unfortunately, the most painful emotion, the one on the top of the pile, was hurt. Emma’s future was in jeopardy, and Lauren knew she shouldn’t be making it all about her, but it just plain hurt that Emma hadn’t told her. Hadn’t so much as mentioned any trouble. Why? Weren’t they supposed to trust each other? Wasn’t that what being in a relationship was all about? She could’ve been there to support her. They could’ve worked it out together.

  Did Emma really mean it when she’d said, “I love you”?

  “I can’t believe Emma didn’t tell me.”

  “I know it probably feels like she kept it from you on purpose, but you don’t exactly make it easy,” Roxie said.

  “What does that mean?” Lauren snapped. She wished she could switch off again. Wished for every barrier imaginable to stand between her and her feelings right now, but there wasn’t anything left to defend herself with. Emma’s sweetness and bravery and mind-blowing strength had reduced her walls to rubble at her feet just when she most needed them to protect herself. Sometimes being all emotionally evolved completely sucked.

  “You don’t stand up for yourself,” Roxie said in her usual, no-mincing-words way. “Why would Emma trust you to stand up for her? I expect she thought you’d push her away in some truly idiotic attempt to protect her. That sounds like you.”

  Lauren’s laugh was bitter. “You don’t think very highly of me, do you?”

  Roxie pulled her in for an awkward hug across the car console. “I love you more than you love yourself. I know what you went through, and I know that kind of thing sticks. But I also know you can’t blame your past forever. At some point, you have to take responsibility. You don’t like yourself, and that’s a real shame, because you’re awesome and Emma needs all the awesome she can get right now.”

  Lauren wanted to be mad. She wanted to blame Emma for keeping her in the dark, and she wanted to rail about how unfair that was. But Roxie’s words wouldn’t stop repeating themselves in her head. I expect she thought you’d push her away in some truly idiotic attempt to protect her. That sounds like you.

  Well, yeah. That’s exactly what she would’ve done.

  Having her actions called out before she’d even had a chance to make them wasn’t exactly comfortable. She’d been more than a dick. Her past and her prejudices made it hard for Emma to trust her not to run if there was trouble. And she might’ve walked away, even if it’d ripped her heart out of her chest.

  Is it so bad to want you?

  I want the real you.

  Am I the only one who has to be vulnerable?

  Lauren ground her palm into her forehead like she could squish Emma’s voice. But denying the truth was impossible when the truth was everything she’d always hoped for. “God. I’ve been an idiot. She loves me. She was trying to protect us from me and my idiot-ness.”

  Roxie punched her in the shoulder like they were bros in the locker room. “Obviously.”

  Lauren handed her keys to Roxie. “I have to go. Can you drive yourself home?”

  “Sure. Where are you going?”

  Lauren jumped out of the car. “To crash that meeting. To do what I should’ve done days ago. Emma is the best damn thing that’s ever happened to Sunrise Falls. If they don’t know that, they don’t deserve her.”

  Emma was the best damn thing to ever happen to her, too.

  Time for some lady balls.

  Chapter Twenty

  “We simply cannot afford the expenditure. Thirty-five percent of circulation is picture books and young reader chapter books. Surely, kiddos won’t be in on these newfangled e-book whatsits.” Archie Franklin laughed at his own joke, the sound booming off the walls in the otherwise silent room.

  Emma smiled politely. She got points for not immediately pointing out that e-books had been around longer than those kiddos. “Not currently, but young people are tech savvy and trends show that they’re going to the internet for media. YouTube is increasingly popular with consumers over seven. I’d like to be able to offer an alternative to cat videos and music clips. The intra-library app would allow borrowers to select and download books right to their device. Some books contain interactive components and enhanced learning opportunities. We’ll be able to work with the internet rather than against it, and compete for attention in the digital economy.”

  The Cupcake waved a hand in the air as if Emma’s words were flies buzzing around her head. “I hardly think literature is in the same category as YouTube. Besides, old-fashioned ways and values aren’t so out of style. Print books are gaining back market share.”

  What would the Cupcake say if she started weighing in on all the decisions the council made? She could figure out which roads needed repaving, and which buildings ought to be historic by eeny, meeny, miny, moeing the whole thing, if doing someone else’s job was that easy. “Print is gaining, but it’s a small amount compared to the seventy percent it’s lost to e-books over the last ten years. We need this or the library will become obsolete.”

  Archie raised bushy eyebrows. “Library membership is primarily comprised of seniors and young mothers, all of whom prefer print books according to your last survey. Surely you’re not suggesting that library patrons are wrong about what they want?”

  She took a breath. It wasn’t a bad point, and part of her job was to explain so the council understood. She wasn’t usually so snappy, but the subtext around why they were denying her proposal, the elephant in the room that everyone was far too diplomatic to address, grated. She wanted to bring it up and force them to admit it, but she had no proof, and listening to them deny, deny, deny would just embarrass everyone. “Children under seven and seniors do prefer print books, but kids grow up. They’re the readers of tomorrow. I’d like to encourage lifetime use of the library. E-books would increase adult membership and circulation.”

  “No.” Jasper Wallings spoke up from his spot on the antique loveseat by the fireplace. “We didn’t ask you here to debate with you. We’re telling you, it’s a no. You ought to focus your attention on the patrons the library currently has. I know Misty Granger would like a meeting regarding the Ravenous Readers group sooner rather than later.”

  “What—” Emma halted when the door to Archie’s office swung open.

  Lauren stood framed in the doorway looking about as innocent as the Cheshire Cat. “Oops. Sorry. I was trying to find the county clerk’s office. Gotta pay those taxes.”

  She held nothing that resembled a payment, and the coincidence was just a bit too coincidental to be guileless. Emma’s heart dropped out of her body and all the way to the basement of the building. What was Lauren doing here? The timing could not be worse.

  Archie stood and peered at Lauren over his glasses. “The county clerk’s office hasn’t been in this building for more than a decade.”

  Lauren smiled charmingly. “I haven’t been in this building for more than a decade, so I didn’t know that.” Rather than leaving, she walked right up to Archie’s desk and stuck out her hand. “I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Lauren West. I grew up here, but left town after high school.”

  Archie
took her hand. “I’m aware. Principal Scarty and I play poker on Thursday evenings. He remembers you well. I’m Archie Franklin, chairman of the town council.”

  Lauren laughed. “Tell me good ol’ Scary is still teaching.”

  “He retired three years ago, having had quite enough of troublemakers.”

  Emma could only watch. Whatever Lauren was doing, she must have a plan. Mustn’t she? Lauren seemed unperturbed that Archie, good-naturedly or not, had called her trouble. That was new—all the smiling and laughing and walking in on town council meetings and staying to make small talk. How could she be so at ease, the tension that usually bunched her shoulders noticeably absent, when Emma was so nervous she was half afraid she’d jump out of her own skin? What on earth was Lauren doing?

  The Cupcake was having none of it. “You’re interrupting a meeting, Miss West. Some of us have jobs to be getting on with.” Others of us don’t have jobs at all.

  Lauren didn’t even glance at the Cupcake. She gave Archie a help-a-girl-out look. “Would you mind if I took up two minutes of your time? I have something to say to Emma that isn’t relevant to your meeting, but I’ve screwed up and it can’t wait.”

  Archie seemed amused by the unexpected interruption and swept his arm to encompass the room as if it were a stage and Lauren was about to perform. “By all means.”

  The Cupcake harrumphed and folded her arms.

  Lauren faced her, and the devil-may-care smile faded away. But there was a devilish glint in her eyes that had Emma’s heart pounding.

  Emma said, “Maybe we should talk later? We are in the middle of a meeting.”

  One Lauren had barged into on purpose for reasons unknown. What was she doing here?

  “I got lost on purpose so the council could hear what I have to say.”

  Obviously. But why?

  Lauren held her gaze in a connection that, as usual, turned her insides upside down. The truth hit her. Lauren knew exactly what this meeting was about. Bile rose in her throat. Was Lauren here to defend her? To defend herself? Emma couldn’t blame her if she was, but there was no way the council would ever admit their reasons, and confronting them might make things worse. Plus, there was the tiny fact that she hadn’t told Lauren what was going on.

  Sorry. Really, really, sorry. But could you go away?

  She tried to communicate with her eyes that Lauren should shut up and leave, but was pretty sure it looked as if she had a facial twitch. In any case, Lauren didn’t catch on to her novice attempts at ESP.

  Lauren knelt by her chair.

  The air froze as if it too were waiting in anticipation for Lauren to speak. It wasn’t a will-you-marry-me kneel, but when Lauren dropped to her knees and took her hand, squeezing hard, she felt herself flush.

  Now is a really bad time to be thinking about kneeling in front of Lauren last night, begging her to touch you, you total pervert.

  Heat flashed in Lauren’s eyes, her smile hot enough to rival the sun that shone outside the window. She knew exactly what Emma was thinking. Lauren had reversed their positions on purpose. But why? More importantly, why now?

  “I only have two minutes, so I’ll get to the point. I love you, Emma. I’m sorry I didn’t say it before.”

  Air that had frozen gained mass in an instant and crashed down on her, making it hard to think. “What?”

  Lauren’s eyes never left hers, her expression as exposed as she’d ever seen it. Vulnerable. Edgy. Entirely, undeniably, strikingly bare. Emma’s breath caught. She was so used to Lauren withdrawing and shutting down when it came to anything of the heart. But she’d cast aside her walls and facades. There were no barriers. Not with her, or with the council.

  Lauren’s eyes shone, but worry creased around them. “I love you so much. Please say it back or I’ll succumb to a broken heart, weeping from my gothic castle like Rochester or, you know, whatever. I want a life with you. I want you to be my forever.”

  “Lauren.”

  “I’m sorry I was a complete jackass and you felt you couldn’t tell me about this meeting.”

  I want you to be my forever.

  Emma pictured it. Sunshine filled days of love and laughter. Intense nights under Lauren’s commanding touch.

  She should probably be more concerned that it’d taken Lauren until now to say the words. She should harbor some doubts about how they’d handle their respective pasts and what it all meant for the future. But right this second, she couldn’t muster any worry. Happiness filled her, spreading from their linked fingers and washing through her until she was sure it would overflow and drown them.

  “I love you, too, but it’s time you read Jane Eyre so you never massacre it quite that badly ever again.”

  Lauren grinned so wide her face looked as if it would crack down the middle. “Is there a version with two queers in love?”

  Emma swallowed hard around the lump that was doing its best to cut off her air supply.

  “We’ll have to write our own kinky version.”

  She hadn’t predicted kink to be an us thing. Kink was Lauren’s thing, and she’d never expected, or wanted, her to stay in the closet. Only, kink wasn’t just Lauren’s thing anymore. Kink was her thing. Their thing. An Emma thing, too. She still didn’t think it was anyone else’s business, but if she was going to lose her job, she’d lose it because some folks in town weren’t comfortable with her.

  Lauren had said I love you and Emma had outed them as kinky to the council in no uncertain terms. No more running, or hiding, or silence. They were kinky queers in love, damnit, and whatever happened next, they’d have each other.

  “God. I love you so crazy much. Why did I have to say it here where I can’t kiss you?” Lauren glanced mournfully around the room, making Emma laugh again.

  “Are you sure? We don’t have to stay if you’re unhappy. We can move.” The council may as well know that she’d rather go to the ends of the earth to pay back her loan than force Lauren to stay where she wasn’t wanted. Where they weren’t wanted.

  Lauren tilted her head to the side and smiled. “You’re my happiness. I’ve had an empty place in my heart for too many years, and nothing to fill it with but bitterness. But loving you leaves no room for resentment, and certainly no room for the opinions of other people.”

  “God. I love you.” She launched herself at Lauren, wrapping her arms around her and holding on as emotion swept her away. I love you, I love you, I love you.

  She felt as if she’d waited a million years for Lauren to say it back, confessed in just that tone, filled with a certainty that settled into her bones. In the back of her mind, in a dark and dusty alcove she’d refused to fully acknowledge, she’d already known Lauren loved her. The way Lauren touched her, the passion of her caress, said what Lauren couldn’t admit with words. Lauren had used sex and touch and desire to show her how she felt.

  Lauren’s world was touch, but Emma’s world was made of words, and she’d needed them. Needed this moment. Lauren declaring her love, Lauren stripping off her mask, Lauren standing for her and what they both wanted by getting on her knees.

  Emma needed all of Lauren, exactly as she was, wrapped in those three little words that magicked open her heart.

  Lauren grabbed her around the waist and spun her in a circle, careless of the furniture they were about to bump into or the three pairs of eyes watching. She had come to claim her. She loved her. She’d crashed a freaking council meeting to tell her. Emma kissed her, proving to herself that this was really happening and not some school-girl dream.

  Lauren loved her.

  Lauren loved her.

  Lauren—

  Jasper cleared his throat. “That’s quite enough of that. Now that you’ve made your spectacle, please go. We have work to do.”

  Lauren set her down but didn’t let go of her hand. She turned to Archie. “I want to apologize if the rumors about Emma and me have caused confusion. What happens between two consenting adults in their bedroom isn’t a public matter
, and going forward we’ll be more discreet. We understand the library services children, and such topics are inappropriate for kids.”

  The Cupcake looked as if she might explode, but Archie shushed her before she could erupt. He leaned back in his chair and considered Lauren. “The Christmas parade was a poor choice for such a conversation.”

  “I’m sor—” Emma began, but Lauren squeezed her hand.

  “With all due respect, we were speaking in a group of adults, and Jessica Norman brought up kink. To my knowledge, no one heard that conversation but us.” She smiled sardonically. “Well, and all the people Jessica relayed the conversation to. We will absolutely be more selective in who we share our personal information with, Mr. Franklin, but the only reason anyone knows is because Jessica told them.”

  “Everyone knows you’re a walking scandal just like your mother,” the Cupcake hissed like a snake releasing venom.

  For the first time, Lauren glanced at her. She shrugged. “Fake news, and old news at that. Try not to let it bother you.”

  She turned back to Archie. “Does that clear up any lingering confusion?”

  It took everything Emma had not to laugh. Confusion was such a useful word for prejudice. The council wasn’t judgmental or stuck in its ways. It was a misunderstanding, and all Jessica’s fault, really.

  Silence hung in the air, broken only by the Cupcake’s increasingly agitated sighs.

  Finally, Archie stood up and walked around his desk. “Emma, you’ll agree to make the library a welcoming environment for everyone, including children,” he paused, a twinkle lighting his eyes, “and us non-kinky, non-queers?”

  She didn’t know whether to groan or giggle. “I promise. Lauren’s right, we made a bad choice in whom we confided in. As far as I’m concerned, our personal life has nothing to do with my job, and the library won’t be impacted.”

  “Well, then—”

  “Wait one damn minute!” The Cupcake jumped to her feet. “You can’t possibly be considering allowing this…this…situation to continue, Archie. The reputation of Sunrise Falls—”