Now wasn’t the time to be shy. She used her most direct tone. “What about joining the Amish church? Is that what we would do?”
The corners of his mouth drooped. Her heart sank. The dismayed expression on his face told her everything. She almost cried as she leaned forward. “Levi? Please. Come back. It’s where you belong.”
Levi dropped her hands and walked away. Annie shivered. Her heart pumped to an uncertain beat as she watched him. When he came back to her, she looked at him for an answer.
His eyes filled with a combination of hope and disappointment. “Annie, you said yourself that God works miracles. Right now, I have faith that we’ll be together. Forever.”
Her pulse sprinted with great anticipation. “I want that, too.”
They headed to the creek. The small creek had a way of creating happiness. It was a silent bond between them. And now they had a four-leaf clover . . .
While shallow water floated over pebbles, Levi shook his head. Color drained from his cheeks. The warmth from his fingers turned as cold as ice cubes. “Annie, I can’t come back.”
“Of course you can. You’re loved here, Levi. What about . . .”
He stopped her with a firm, decisive tone. “I don’t deny that I miss things about the Plain Faith. Being here has reminded me just how engrained this life is in my heart. I can live without electricity, although I would miss certain things, like cold air when it’s hot in the summer. And driving my own truck. Especially with our business.”
“It’s good to know you’ve missed the community. Levi, it’s not a perfect world. But we have to make this work.” She added in a softer, more desperate voice, “Because I can’t live without you.”
He hugged her. She wanted to stay in his embrace forever. Where nothing could harm her. Where her dreams came alive. Right now she needed her Savior more than ever. Only by His grace and love could her situation with Levi be worked out. She said a silent prayer for help.
When he held her at arm’s length, he gave a hopeful sigh. “I’ve been trying to think of a way, Annie. And here’s what I decided. We could join the Mennonite church. And we’d live pretty much the way you’re used to . . .”
She frowned. “But they use electricity.”
“Yup, but it’s still pretty similar to the Amish. Annie, I can’t come back to my roots.” He gave a frustrated roll of his eyes. “And you can’t expect me to. My family’s been through too much. You know that.”
“Levi, they never shunned you.”
“But it’s the same thing, Annie. My family relocated and started over. If I did come back and joined the church, I’d always be regarded as the son of a shunned man.”
She lowered her gaze to her black shoes. She didn’t know what to say. Because she agreed that shunning was harsh punishment for something that hadn’t really harmed anyone. She tried for the right words. “Levi, the reason for shunning is to make a person repent for what he did. I’m sure the bishop wanted your dad to apologize; if he had, he would have been welcomed back with open arms.”
A long, tense silence ensued. “Do you really believe that, Annie? You think this town would have just forgotten that he’d driven his truck?”
She regarded him in silence. She couldn’t say. Because, honestly, she wasn’t sure. In her heart, she wouldn’t have been able to shun John Miller. Instead, she would have reached out to help him. She supposed no faith was perfect, and hers wasn’t an exception. She spoke in a regretful tone. “You know my thoughts.”
“Then you’ll join the Mennonite church with me, Annie?” He paused to clear his throat. “At least think about it?”
All of a sudden she blinked back salty tears. She put her hands over her eyes to stop them before they rolled down her cheeks. She lifted her chin. “Levi, I can’t be anything other than the way I was raised. As much as I love you, I love the Amish church, too. Being with you would mean separation from my family and Old Sam.”
Long moments passed while she continued to try for composure. She was usually a good thinker. But right now she wasn’t. She threw her hands into the air in frustration. “When I asked God for us to be together, maybe I wanted the impossible.”
Sadness loomed between them as Annie tried with desperation to come up with a way to work this out. She’d prayed. But God hadn’t answered yet.
“I understand, Annie. But it’s the same on this end. We’ve gone through so much because of what happened. But we could surely compromise, couldn’t we? You understand why I can’t be Amish.”
She considered his words. Finally, the sun hid again behind the clouds. The sad, frustrating mood accompanied the dark gray sky. As Annie looked at him for solace, none came.
They began walking. She fought for a compromise. This was Levi. The boy she’d grown up with. The man she wanted to spend her life with. And he loved her enough to spend the rest of his life with her. There had to be a way for them to be together.
Finally, she stopped and turned to him. There was no way to solve their dilemma. She nearly choked as she took his hand and squeezed it with loving affection. “Good-bye, Levi.”
Chapter Ten
That evening, Annie went to her room early. She sat on the edge of her bed and looked down at her dress and apron while she recalled her conversation with Levi and how things had ended.
When a lone tear slipped down her cheek she didn’t try to stop it. The image of the devastated expression on Levi’s face when she’d told him good-bye was something she’d never forget. And she didn’t want to. Memories of their time together were all she had to keep him alive in her mind.
She carefully removed the pin from her hair and lifted her kapp just enough to take her precious four-leaf clover between her finger and thumb. With a slow, careful movement, she held it in front of her. Definitely she would save it. But how? The clover would dry and crumble.
An idea came to her, and she put down the small plant on her wooden nightstand and went to her hope chest. She pulled her journal from the beautiful piece and opened it to the last page. Then she sat on her wooden chair and carefully placed the clover between two pages, closing the book on top of it after she made sure the leaves were intact.
She would press it. But she needed something heavier to put on top of the journal to make sure there was enough weight to keep the clover flat while it dried. She looked around the corners of her room, wondering what she had that was heavy enough to make sure the clover pressed. She eyed the flat iron and gave a quick nod of approval. Putting a soft cotton towel between the iron and the cover of the journal, she placed the weight on top. She eyed her project and lifted an uncertain brow. She believed it would work. She knelt at her bedside and folded her arms together.
Squeezing her eyes tightly, she prayed with all her heart. “Dear Lord, forgive me for not having enough faith in You. You know my feelings for Levi, Lord, but You want me to stay in my faith. Please make me whole again. Amen.”
* * *
The first week of November ended. Levi was sure he and his dad wouldn’t start another home till spring. Today they were in the last stages of their final project for the year.
Levi continued his back-and-forth strokes with his brush to the living room ceiling in the four-bedroom home they’d constructed for a newly married man and his wife and her three kids from a former marriage. The image of children running around prompted his lips to curve into a happy grin. He tried to focus on positive thoughts, so he couldn’t help imagining this home for himself and Annie and the little ones they would have. With a hopeful breath, he wondered whether their kids would inherit Annie’s directness. How many would be boys and the number of girls. Did Annie even want children? He moved his shoulders in a shrug. They’d never discussed it, but he was certain she did.
“Stop,” he ordered himself not to go there. To only move forward. He’d often received that advice from his father. Levi knew better than to allow his mind to conjure up things that might never materialize. Because that would only le
ad to disappointment.
A lone tear stung his eye and he blinked it away. As he considered his last conversation with Annie, his strokes became firmer and swifter. His hand tensed until it cramped.
He set down the brush for a moment and made a fist to rid himself of the uncomfortable sensation. When he continued his work, to his chagrin, the same vision of Annie and their family returned.
As the fresh smell of paint filled the room, he took in the walls. Without thinking, he compared the finished coats with a life with Annie. The unfinished walls were the ones without her.
He swallowed the knot in his throat. As he took in some ugly blotches, he acknowledged that life without Annie would be no different from the unfinished work. Devoid of happiness. And there was nothing he could do to fix it. Emotion ran high as he contemplated her devastating good-bye. His heart had nearly stopped. What did I expect?
As he popped open another can of creamy white paint, he pressed his lips together and revisited their last conversation.
He loved her so much. And she loved him. His heart warmed as he could almost hear her sweet, soft voice when she’d so openly confessed her feelings for him.
As a thick drip landed on his forehead, he rubbed it with his shirt sleeve and returned to reality. Sudden emptiness hit him like an ice cold towel to his face. He stopped his work and looked up, not seeing anything except Annie’s face.
A dull ache filled his stomach as he tried to reason himself out of his depression. I’m alone. Without the woman I love with all my heart. But I’m the same Levi Miller I was a month ago, before I went to my cousin’s wedding. I was happy then. He hadn’t had any worries, except the unknown reaction to his appearance. He rolled his eyes. How could his life change from happy to sad in such a short time? It didn’t make sense. I’ve got to get out of this funk. To forget Annie. Forget he’d spent the past month getting to know her again and admitting he loved her. He shook his head in frustration.
An inquisitive voice interrupted his thoughts. “You’re awfully quiet over there.” The unexpected words from his dad came from the kitchen. Levi couldn’t ignore the clicking of the soles of his father’s shoes against the metal bars of the ladder. The wall between the two rooms was partially open, so they could catch glimpses of each other and converse easily.
Levi tried to ignore the comments; the last thing he wanted was to discuss his predicament with the man who was at the crux of the issue. But Levi didn’t want to place blame.
To Levi’s dismay, his dad pursued the conversation. “You okay?”
“Fine. Just tired,” he said, trying to nip the question in the bud.
Silence ensued as Levi dipped his brush into the gallon of paint.
“Well then, son, you’ve been tired ever since you got home. You can try, but you can’t fool your old man. What’s eating at you?”
John Miller had been through enough. There was no use reliving it. And the Amish rules couldn’t be changed. The Ordnung had been the same for years; it wasn’t going to suddenly evaporate so Levi could be with Annie.
“I’m glad you’re feeling good, son. We’ve talked about the fire, but we’ve never discussed what happened during your stay with your aunt and uncle or at the wedding.”
“I didn’t think you were interested.”
Levi saw his father’s casual shrug. “Try me. I’ve been . . . curious. How was everybody?”
“If you mean your brother, he looks the same. Only difference is his beard’s gotten pretty long. But you know that. You saw him at the hospital.”
Leaning against a piece of drywall, Levi conveyed what he remembered. After he’d recounted a synopsis of the wedding, he threw his hands in the air. “There’s not much else to say.” Levi lowered his voice. “All the while, Dad, I was thinking . . .” He hesitated, then dared to speak his mind. “I mean, that it would have been nice if you’d been there.”
A sarcastic laugh followed, and an expression that was a combination of amusement and bewilderment crossed the older Miller’s sun-darkened face. It always amazed Levi that someone could manage to keep a summer tan all year long. “Put that down.” He motioned to Levi’s hand. As Levi put the brush into the can of remover to soak, his dad gestured him forward. Levi noted the unusually casual tone of his voice.
An unexpected hand of encouragement on Levi’s shoulder startled him. “It’s time we sat down and had a man-to-man. It’s been a while.”
With some hesitation, slow steps took the two of them to the work truck, where the senior Miller stuck his key into the ignition. Levi didn’t protest, though he didn’t feel ready to discuss his feelings or his no-win situation with Annie. Especially with the man beside him.
“Where are we going, Dad?” Levi checked his watch. “The paint’s not done. We can’t leave till we . . .”
His father waggled a free hand and made a turnout on the concrete drive and onto the blacktop road leading into town. “Work can wait. This can’t. Watching you mope around this past week has been killing me.”
“I haven’t been moping,” Levi said, though he could hear the combination of protest and embarrassment in his voice.
His dad harrumphed. “Then what d’you call it? You’ve barely eaten. Hardly said two words since you got back home. Your mother’s worried you’ve caught some bug. But you don’t look sick; I’d say it’s high time we got to the bottom of what’s bothering you, and trust me . . .” He breathed in a deep sigh as he pushed the cruise control. “Ain’t nothing more important to me than your happiness.”
Levi tried to digest that last sentence. His brow rose in surprise, but he didn’t reply. The words warmed his heart. John Miller wasn’t the type to express emotion. For as long as he could remember, Levi had thought his dad hadn’t paid much attention to him. But now he had his father’s ear. How much should he say? He tried to decide as gravel crunched under the truck’s tires.
While country music oozed from the stereo speakers, Levi’s dad slapped a fatherly hand on his shoulder and pressed hard, as if to convey a silent you-know- it-will-be okay message.
“We’re headed to the café.”
Levi waited for him to continue.
“I’m telling you, son; we’re gonna sit down over strong black coffee and get to the root of whatever’s nagging at you. And we’re not leaving till we fixed you up.”
Inside the small, casual joint, his father studied Levi across the booth. “Let’s start with the day you came home.”
Levi threw up a defensive pair of hands.
“Okay. I’ll remind you.” He leaned forward. “You walked into the house after having been gone a month and went straight to your room.”
Levi rolled his eyes.
“You can’t blow me off, son.” John crossed his arms over his chest. “Let’s have it.”
* * *
Annie dried each plate with a vengeance, not leaving a trace of water. After the sink was clean, she’d mop the floor. She’d discovered that staying busy was the only way to keep her mind off Levi. She had to stop dwelling on a future with him. No happily-ever-after this time.
Reality was hard to face right now. She wouldn’t even try. She needed to accept that she wouldn’t see him again. She yearned to write him, but what would be the point? Being in touch with him would only keep the heartache alive.
She imagined life without him and pulled in a deep, uncertain breath, then pushed it out in desperation when she turned at the gentle touch on her arm.
“Honey, you think you’ve got a fever?”
Without turning to look Mamma in the eyes, Annie continued the task at hand. “No, Mamma. I’m fine.”
“Then what’s up with you these days? It’s the end of November and you haven’t even mentioned Christmas yet.”
Finally, Annie dropped what she was doing and faced the woman she loved with all her heart.
“Your appetite has disappeared; why . . .” She looked Annie up and down and followed with a regretful shake of her head. “Honey, i
f we don’t get you eating again, you’re going to . . .” She threw her hands in the air in frustration.
Annie stopped her. “Mamma, don’t worry about me. I’m not sick and I’ll be okay.” She hesitated and added, “In time.”
Mamma’s brows drew together in a frown. She lowered her voice to avoid being overheard. “This doesn’t have anything to do with that Miller boy leaving, now does it? You haven’t been yourself ever since . . .”
Annie gave a helpless roll of her eyes. “Mamma, there’s no need to look back. He’s gone and things are the same as they’ve always been. In fact, after I clean up the kitchen, I’m gonna pay Old Sam a visit.” She forced a smile. “Can’t let him go hungry.” She stood on her tiptoes to place a dish on the shelf.
But when she reached up, a firm hand stopped her. “This nonsense has to stop, Annie.”
She avoided Mamma’s gaze. Until her mother placed warm palms on Annie’s cheeks and forced her to look at her face. Annie knew she meant business. But that didn’t change anything really.
Finally, Annie’s voice softened with a combination of regret and sadness. “You told me once, Mamma, that there’s no use crying over spilled milk. So I won’t. I’ve got no complaints either. I’ve been asking God to help me . . .”
Her mom raised a curious brow. “Been asking Him to what?”
Annie waved a dismissive hand. “Oh, nothing.”
When Mamma laid a stiff hand on Annie’s elbow, Annie sighed regretfully. “I’m just dealing with something. And I appreciate your concern.” She put her arms around her role model and offered an affectionate hug. “Really, I do.”
“Your daddy and I . . .” Mamma paused to catch a desperate breath. “We want you to be happy.”
Annie wasn’t sure she could make promises. So, instead, she offered a hopeful shrug and redirected her attention to the countertop.
But to her chagrin, her mother persisted. “You really think a lot of the Miller boy; anyone can see that.”
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