The Secret Wife

by Susan Mallery

  Elissa shrugged. “I’m happy to do it. I get so much pleasure out of watching them here, I almost feel selfish. I’m really giving them things because it makes me feel good.”

  “That’s a fine reason to be charitable. Most of us do find joy in helping others.”

  Elissa sipped her coffee, then cupped her hands around the mug. “I didn’t expect to,” she confessed. “The joke in my family is that my sisters and I are like the three bears. One too hard, one too soft and one just right. When the money we’d earned from the show was first put in trust, I was terrified. My parents were divorced and my mother was already thinking of remarrying. My father lived an extravagant life-style that eventually killed him. He’d always said I was his favorite, the one most like him, and I knew when I inherited the money I was going to die, too.” She looked at Millie. “Pretty silly, huh?”

  The older woman leaned forward and touched Elissa’s arm. “No, it’s not. It’s very sad. From what you’ve said about your mother, you were never close to her. So you never discussed your fears with her, did you?”

  Elissa shook her head.

  Millie’s blue eyes darkened with compassion. She made a tsk of concern. “Then your reaction is perfectly understandable. How old were you? Thirteen, fourteen?”

  “About that.”

  “Cause and effect make sense to children. They don’t always understand that life is more complex than that.”

  “Thank you,” Elissa said, grasping Millie’s hand and squeezing. “My sisters have teased me about my fear of money, and I’ve outgrown most of it, but no one has ever made me feel my reaction was normal.”

  “You forget I have four children of my own. I’m an expert.” Millie smiled. “So you’re not as terrified as you were?”

  “Not at all. Originally, I thought when I inherited the money I would simply give it all away. Fallon is the ‘just right’ sister and she had a sensible plan. Keep some, use some to travel, give some to charity. Kayla wanted to live it up until the money ran out. She’s come to her senses, too. So while I plan to help the orphanage, I’m also investing a portion of the money.”

  Millie leaned close and lowered her voice. “Why do you keep it a secret from Cole?”

  “For a lot of reasons. I didn’t tell him when we were dating because I thought he’d resent it. Then after we were married, I felt guilty for keeping the information to myself. I never found a good time to tell him. Now I’m afraid if he knows he’ll keep me around for what I can give the children, instead of keeping me around because I can make a difference with what I do and who I am. Or he’ll hate me for being ‘Lady Bountiful’ and toss me out on my butt.”

  Of course, after last night she would be lucky to last the week. No doubt he would fire her as soon as they returned to the orphanage.

  Elissa nearly groaned in frustration. She’d so wanted things to go right. If only…

  She shook her head. She was finished with if onlys. Now was the time for action. Just as soon as she figured out what that action was supposed to be, she was going to do it.

  Millie released Elissa’s hand and leaned back in her chair. “It’s really none of my business, and you must feel free to tell me so if the question makes you uncomfortable, but is there any chance of a reconciliation?”

  Elissa resisted the urge to bury her face in her hands. Instead she offered her friend a shaky smile. “You don’t know how much I wish I could tell you yes, but I don’t think so. I was never a very good wife, and time away from Cole hasn’t seemed to have improved my skills.” She stared into her mug of coffee. “I still love him, but that’s not enough. It never has been. No matter how I try not to, I continue to fail him.”

  “I don’t understand, Elissa. Fail him how?”

  “I, um…” She could feel a blush climbing her cheeks. If this were anyone but Millie, she wouldn’t be having the conversation at all. But Millie could be trusted. Even more, Millie had years of experience, not to mention four children, three of whom were married. No doubt the older woman had some excellent advice to give. Elissa knew she had to do something. If she didn’t figure out a way to change, she and Cole were destined to keep repeating the mistakes of the past.

  “Is there another man?” Millie asked quietly.

  Elissa jerked her head up and stared. “Of course not. There never has been.” She laughed low in her throat. “No, having an affair isn’t the problem. Quite the opposite. You see, I can’t figure out how to please my husband in bed.”

  The words hung between them. Much to her credit, Millie’s only reaction was to sip her coffee.

  “Please him how?” Millie asked after a moment. “Cole is a very passionate man. I’ve caught him looking at you a time or two, which is what promoted my question about a reconciliation. I know he still feels desire for you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  Elissa shook her head. “It’s not that,” she whispered miserably. “I don’t know what to do. I never knew what to do. I was a virgin, and while the kissing part had been nice, I never cared for the rest of it.” Her face was on fire, her voice trembling, but she forced herself to continue. “He always wanted me to participate, to initiate lovemaking and to touch him. I never knew what to do. So it was easier to let him just do it and get it over with. Sometimes it was easier to turn away.”

  “And now?” Millie prompted.

  Elissa traced small circles on the Formica table. “Now I want things to be different. But I’m still afraid. Last night we were kissing and everything was great. Then he touched me and I sort of froze. Before I could relax, he reacted to the rejection and said a lot of horrible things. I tried to explain, but how can I when I don’t understand it myself?”

  “Elissa, it’s so easy. I promise you can make this work, but first I have a couple of questions.”

  “All right.”

  “Do you want Cole back in your bed?”

  “Yes. Though I’m not sure what to do with him when I get him there.”

  Millie smiled. “We’ll figure that one out later. My second question is do you find Cole physically appealing? Can you close your eyes and imagine yourself being with him, both of you naked and touching? Does that picture bring you pleasure or make you uncomfortable?”

  Talking about it made Elissa want to squirm, but she dutifully closed her eyes. She remembered kissing him last night, how her body had tingled and heated until she ached with an unfamiliar need. She remembered straddling his thighs and wanting to press her center against him, rubbing back and forth. It wasn’t difficult to shift those memories, changing the images until they were both naked.

  She thought about his hand on her breast. Last night she’d gotten scared and had withdrawn because she’d started thinking too much. She’d worried about the door being open and someone walking in on them. She’d wondered what he would want her to do back. All her old fears had risen to the surface, blocking out everything she’d tried to do to create that moment with him.

  She looked at Millie. “I want to make love with my husband. I want to not be afraid and I want to know what on earth I’m supposed to do.”

  “Good. I suspect you don’t have anything wrong with you that can’t be cured by a little information and some practice. I assume you’ve never climaxed during sex?”

  Elissa resisted the urge to dive under the table, curl into the fetal position and whimper. “No, I haven’t,” she said through lips numb with humiliation.

  “Then we have a place to start. When we get back to Ojai, we’re going to go to the library together and we’re going to find you several books on sex. It sounds to me as if you and Cole had the classic problem of a terrified female virgin and an overeager male partner. Most couples manage to work out their differences, but you two got caught in a cycle that left both of you feeling inadequate.”

  “That sounds right.”

  Millie glanced around the room to make sure they were still alone, then leaned close. “Men are, for the most part, physical creatu
res. They don’t have our years of training that suppresses that part of our nature. Also, when you think about it, their sexuality is out there. If they’re turned on, it’s tough to hide. Sometimes they get embarrassed because they think they want us too much. With a little support, we can teach them that this desire is a good thing.” Millie’s blue eyes twinkled. “Right now you’re going to have to take my word on that. My point is most men need a woman to assure him that his base nature is acceptable. As I’ve told my daughters, accept the penis and you accept the man.”

  Elissa swallowed hard. “Gee, there’s something I can cross-stitch on a pillow.”

  Millie grinned. “It’s true. When a man feels accepted, he’ll do anything for his woman. The thing he most wants to do is please her. By pleasing her, he feels he has value in the relationship. He feels special when she wants him. For now, you have to work on making Cole think you want him. You need to get his attention.”

  Elissa remembered how they’d parted last night. “He’s going to run in the opposite direction when he sees me.”

  “We can break him of that. Your first homework assignment is to touch him.”

  Elissa shook her head. “I’m not very good at that.”

  “It’s easy,” Millie assured her. “Men love to be touched. Their favorite place is, well, you can imagine, but it’s not a good place to start. Aside from sending a rather interesting message, it’s hard to do in public.”

  “What would the neighbors say?” Elissa murmured, stunned by all the information.

  “Touch his arm, his shoulder, his back. Anywhere. Brush against him. Be close. You want to do two things. First, you want to be comfortable with him physically. Second, you want to get his attention in a positive way. This should accomplish both.”

  Elissa nodded. “I can try that.”

  The older woman grinned. “Don’t worry about opportunity. I’ll have a little chat with Jeff and we’ll organize a football game this afternoon. You can start there.”

  Elissa felt overwhelmed by her task, yet revived, as if this just might be possible. “Thank you for telling me all this. I appreciate you taking the time.”

  “Don’t thank me. I’m helping because I like to, and because over the past couple of years I’ve grown to care about Cole. He deserves a little happiness in his life. I always wondered why he never went out or seemed interested in anyone. Now I know why. You can win him back, if you truly love him.”

  Elissa said a quick prayer that her friend was right.

  * * *

  “Jeff and I will be team captains,” Millie said.

  Cole grinned at his assistant. “If you’re on opposite teams, then this is going to be touch football instead of tag, right?”

  Millie winked. “You know me so well. I think you’ll be my first choice.”

  Cole obediently stood behind her. Jeff called one of the children and so it went. Elissa waited nervously. As she’d expected, Cole had been avoiding her. She hadn’t had a single chance to put Millie’s plan into action. But the morning hadn’t been spent in vain. She’d taken a couple of hours to go for a walk on her own and really think about why she’d found it so easy to reject the physical side of her marriage.

  What she’d learned hadn’t pleased her. She was starting to suspect she’d been secretly punishing Cole, using sex to make him as unhappy as she was. While she’d been willing to go to New York with him, once there, she’d missed her friends and family. She hadn’t had a life and had expected him to provide her with one. When he hadn’t, she’d wanted revenge. Sex was a powerful weapon. Unfortunately, she’d ended up punishing both of them and had, in the process, ruined something quite wonderful. Now those patterns and fears were second nature. She was going to have to learn new ones. But first she had to figure out how to touch her husband.

  “I want Elissa on my team,” Jeff said.

  As she moved to the right side of the field, she passed close to Cole. “We’re gonna kick butt,” she said, lightly placing her hand on his upper arm. She felt his muscles tense, then he pulled away. It was a start, she told herself, refusing to get discouraged. She had a lot to make up for. They couldn’t heal in a single afternoon.

  A half hour later Millie’s plan became clear. By putting Elissa and Cole on opposite teams, they had the chance to tackle each other. Unfortunately, every time Elissa got the ball, Cole let the children run her down.

  Elissa met Millie’s frustrated gaze and shrugged. They couldn’t make Cole tackle her.

  Millie snapped her fingers as if she’d just had a great idea. In the huddle she gestured with her hands, then, acting as quarterback, threw the ball to Cole. As circumstances, or in this case Millie, would have it, he caught the ball about three feet from Elissa. There were no kids around, and no one else between Cole and their makeshift goal.

  “Don’t even think about it,” she told her husband, and dived for him.

  He paused in obvious indecision, then took a half step back. Her shoulder connected with his midsection. He was off balance and tumbled to the ground.

  The football went flying. Elissa heard Shanna scream with excitement as she scooped it up and ran for the touchdown. For a second she couldn’t remember if Shanna was on her team or Cole’s. Then her body connected with his, all the air rushed out of her and she didn’t care.

  She clutched her chest and gasped. Nothing happened. Her body convulsed. Cole twisted quickly, rolling into a sitting position and helping her sit up, too.

  “It’s okay,” he told her, supporting her back with one arm. “You got the wind knocked out of you. You’ll be fine in a second. I know it’s scary, but you can breathe. Just relax.”

  Easy for him to say, she thought, trying not to panic. She opened her mouth and finally sucked in a breath. Her lungs filled with air. She inhaled again and again.

  Cole stroked her cheek. “Don’t go overboard or you’ll hyperventilate. Slowly, now. Are you hurt?”

  He was so close she could see the line on his neck where smooth skin gave way to the first hint of stubble. His mouth twisted with concern. She stared up at him, feigning more weakness than she actually felt.

  “I feel a little woozy,” Elissa lied, and rested her head against his chest. “Sorry, Cole. I shouldn’t have tackled you like that.”

  “Hey, it’s part of the game. I’m worried about you.” A couple of the kids headed their way. Cole waved them off. “She’s fine,” he called. “Just got the wind knocked out of her. Keep on playing.”

  The hand on her back stroked her from shoulders to waist. His free hand grasped hers. “Do you think you can stand?”

  Ignoring the guilt and telling herself this was for a good cause, Elissa bit her lower lip and nodded tentatively. “I think so. It’s sorta hard to tell. At least I can breathe now.”

  “We’ll go slow,” he promised.

  He kept one arm around her and assisted her into a standing position. She allowed herself to sway toward him and was instantly caught against his hard body. This playacting would set the women’s movement back fifteen years. She sent a silent apology out into the cosmos.

  “There’s a bench under that tree,” he said, motioning to a wooden seat by the edge of a path. “Can you make it?”

  “If you don’t mind giving me a little support.” She tilted her head slightly. “I’m sorry, Cole. Maybe you’d rather Jeff helped me.”

  He scowled. “You’re my wife, Elissa. I’ll take care of you.”

  It had been a long time since anyone had wanted to take care of her. Cole had always been protective of her. Why had she forgotten that?

  He assisted her to the bench and helped her sit down. Then he settled next to her, his body angled toward hers, her hand clasped in his.

  “Everything feel all right?” he asked. “Nothing sprained or broken?”

  “I’m just a little shaken,” she said, and tightened her fingers around his. With her other hand she squeezed his forearm. He looked surprised, but didn’t pull back. Out of
the corner of her eye she saw Millie give her a thumbs-up. Obviously the older woman approved of her tactics.

  A shiver caught her attention. It shot up her arm and settled in her belly. She realized his thumb was brushing back and forth across her palm. As he was watching the football game, Elissa doubted he even noticed what he was doing. Her breath caught in her throat, but this time it came from a rush of affection, not from a body blow. The impact was just as startling. At that moment if Cole were to ask her if she could stand, she could honestly tell him no, because her knees were too weak.

  The trembling had nothing to do with any injury and everything to do with awakening desire…for her husband.

  Chapter Twelve

  Elissa adjusted the pillows behind her and stared at the book resting on her lap. Who would have thought there was a whole world out there that she’d never known about? Especially considering she’d been married and living with a man.

  She glanced at the other books stacked next to her. As promised, Millie had come with her to the library and helped her pick out several books to study. Humiliatingly, one of them was written for teenagers, complete with detailed sketches and photographs, and was all about the basics of sex. When she’d protested, Millie had informed her that until Elissa knew what Cole’s and her anatomy looked like there was no way she was going to figure out where it all went.

  Until she’d opened the book and stared openmouthed, she hadn’t realized how little she’d seen her husband naked. At her request, they’d always made love in the dark. He’d convinced her to shower with him a couple of times, but she’d been too embarrassed to enjoy the experience and had spent most of her time trying not to look at him.

  Now, as she read the books and added to her list of questions for Millie, she felt a sense of regret. According to what the experts said, looking was half the fun. She had to admit, that thinking about it now was sort of exciting. She’d always enjoyed watching Cole move around a room, taking pleasure in his strength and grace. She liked the breadth of his shoulders, his well-formed hands, his legs. Why wouldn’t she have liked the rest of him? She refused to believe she could take a marking pen and draw a line across his body, naming one part of him beautiful and another part of him hideous. She loved every bit of him, inside and out. His soul, his heart, even his anatomy made him the man who had stolen her heart.