The Secret Wife

by Susan Mallery

  “Left? What are you talking about? I’m not going anywhere.”

  His dark gaze slipped past her to focus on the wall opposite the bed. “You’re here for three months. That time is almost over.”

  His words stunned her. She had to bite her lower lip to keep from crying out. Her eyes burned, but she blinked back tears. “You can’t mean that. After all of this, you can’t mean you’re going to send me away.”

  “I won’t have to,” he said, still not looking at her. “You’ll be the one to leave, just as you left before.”

  “No,” she told him. “No, it’s not like that. I’ve changed.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  His words carried the weight of finality. She didn’t know what to say, how to convince him he was wrong. The words he’d said the first time they’d been together returned to haunt her. Let me love you. Not I love you. She understood the difference. He would commit to the physical act, which meant committing his body but not his heart.

  “What has this meant to you?” she asked, motioning to the bed. “Just sex, nothing more?”

  At last he looked at her. “You know it’s been more than that. Our time together has been very special.”

  “Sure. I can tell.” She shook her head. “I’ve been a fool. I thought this mattered. I thought I mattered.”

  She reached for her dressing gown and pulled it on. As she tightened the belt, she stood and faced him. “That’s it, then.”

  “Elissa, don’t go like this. Don’t be angry.”

  “How can I not be? According to you, it’s just a matter of time until I leave, so why not be insulted and hurt and outraged? As long as I’m going, right?”

  “You don’t understand.”

  “I understand perfectly. You don’t trust me.”

  “I loved you once,” he said slowly. “I might be able to love you again. But you’re right. I can’t trust you.”

  Her knees nearly gave way. Only by a supreme force of will was she able to remain standing. “No, you won’t trust me.”

  She bent and collected her nightgown. The garment had been tossed aside in a moment of passion. Tossed aside and forgotten, like her hopes for their future.

  Her whole body ached, but this time not from passion. She’d been struck down in an emotional hit-and-run. It was going to take a while to get the bleeding under control.

  She straightened and walked to the door. Before returning to her room, she glanced back at him. “Here’s the thing, Cole. You’re not going to get rid of me this easily. Think I’m leaving all you want, but I’m not going anywhere. Somewhere, somehow, I’m going to convince you to give us a second chance. Because we both deserve it. And because we’ll never love anyone else as much as we’ve loved each other.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  “Stephenson,” Cole said as he picked up the phone.

  “Hello, Cole.”

  Cole put down the pen he was holding and sagged back in his chair. He didn’t recognize the powerful voice that defied age, but he knew who was calling. Son of a bitch.

  “Grandfather.”

  The old man sighed. “That doesn’t sound very welcoming. Are you going to be difficult about all this?”

  “Are you?”

  There was a moment of silence, then a faint chuckle. “You are a Stephenson, young man. There’s no doubt. I got your letter. You took your time answering me.”

  “Then I’d say we’re close to even. You took nearly twenty-five years to get in touch with me the first time.”

  “I see. So you’re still angry about that. About the letter I sent all those years ago telling you I didn’t want to have anything to do with you.”

  Some of the shock was starting to wear off. Cole held the receiver in his hand, amazed that he was having this conversation with his grandfather. A man he’d never met, yet whose blood ran through his body.

  “I was fifteen and you were my only living relative. You told me, in very clear, easy-to-understand language, that I was not to consider you family or ever contact you again. Angry doesn’t really cover what I was feeling, Grandfather.”

  Some of those emotions returned. The intense pain of rejection, the betrayal of a dream of having a family of his own.

  “You’re going to make me apologize, aren’t you?” Dermott William Stephenson asked. “Do you know who I am?”

  “Yes. You’re a cranky old man who destroyed a child’s hope of a future. It was only when I’d proved myself to your satisfaction that you were willing to acknowledge me. It was too late then and it’s too late now.”

  Rage fueled him and it was all he could do not to hang up the phone. Then he remembered Elissa’s words, about how this man was the only relative Cole had. Couldn’t he try to make it work?

  Could he? After all that had happened?

  “It’s not too late,” his grandfather said. “If it was, you wouldn’t have written me back. You want me punished and I accept that. I haven’t told anyone this in a long time, but I’m sorry, Cole. Sorry for a lot of things. When my son—your father—left the family firm to marry your mother, I was furious. I vowed to cut him off and I did. But that wasn’t good enough. He didn’t care about anything but his wife, and later, you.”

  The old man cleared his throat before continuing. “I would have taken him back, but he never asked.”

  “And you never offered,” Cole guessed.

  “I have my pride.”

  “So did my father. At least he also had his family to keep him company. Who did you have?”

  “Did they teach you to hit below the belt at that orphanage of yours?”

  “Actually, I learned it at law school.”

  “Well said.” He heard the smile in the old man’s voice.

  “What happened to your pride?” Cole asked.

  “Old age has a way of changing how a man looks at things. I want to get to know you, Cole, and I’d like to think you want to get to know me, too. I’m not expecting a miracle, just some common ground and a little conversation.”

  In the face of that obviously sincere statement, it was difficult to hold on to his anger. “I’d like that, too.”

  “Good. Now tell me about yourself. You’re working at that orphanage out there. In Ojai? Where the hell is that?”

  Cole smiled. “North and west of Los Angeles.”

  “California.” The old man sniffed. “I never could abide that place. Too much sunshine, too many happy people. Give me New York where people have the sense to be miserable. How many children there?”

  Cole talked about the orphanage and what he was doing there. He found himself explaining about Tiffany and her mother, and little Gina’s hunger for knowledge.

  “I’d like to adopt that one,” Dermott said. “Is she available?”

  “She’s not a puppy, Grandfather. You can’t point to the one you like and then take her home. There are strict procedures to be followed.”

  “Humph. You’re saying you wouldn’t let me have the girl.”

  Cole shook his head. “Let’s say I’d want to get to know you first.”

  “Figures. You’re softhearted, boy. Actually, it’s not a bad quality, but if you tell anyone I said that, I’ll deny it. You still married?”

  The question caught Cole off guard. “Yes. Elissa’s with me.”

  “Pretty girl.”

  “How would you know?”

  “We were at the same party once. Some big charity affair, years ago. When you were still in the city. I came because I knew you were going to be there. I wanted to see how you’d turned out.”

  The image of a lonely old man slipping into a party to catch a glimpse of his only grandson made Cole sad. They’d both wasted so much time. And for what?

  “You should have introduced yourself.”

  “So you could snub me in public? No, thank you. You wouldn’t have been interested in me then. You were still angry. So, do I have any great-grandchildren?”

  “No. Elissa and I haven’t h
ad children yet.”

  “Five years is a long time, boy. What are you waiting for? With a looker like that, they’re going to be pretty babies. I’d like to see a couple of great-grandchildren before I die. Not that I’m pressuring you.”

  “I understand.”

  The old man continued talking, but Cole barely heard him. He was too caught up in the thought of having children with Elissa. He knew he’d made it sound as if they had been together all this time. This first phone call wasn’t the place to discuss his marital problems. It was unlikely he and his wife were going to work things out, yet if they did, he would love to have children with her. His grandfather was right— they would have pretty babies. Because they would be blessed with their mother’s giving heart, they would be pretty where it mattered—on the inside.

  “How’s the first week of next month for your visit?” Dermott asked. “I’ve cut back on my hours, so I can be flexible. I thought you and your wife could stay here, instead of at some hotel. It’s big enough, so you’ll have privacy.”

  The gruffly issued invitation touched Cole in a way something more elegant or practiced couldn’t. “We’d like that. The first week of next month is fine.” He glanced at his calendar. “How about if we arrive the third?”

  “Fine. We have lots to talk about, including why you’re wasting yourself at that orphanage.”

  “It’s not a waste, Grandfather. Children are our future.”

  “Yes, yes, I’ve heard the politicians talk, too. The concept has merit, but there are dozens of others who could run the place as well as you, maybe better. You’re good at your job there, but you were brilliant in the law. Don’t bother telling me you don’t miss it, because I know you do. Oh, maybe you can go a couple of months without thinking about it, but then it hits you hard and you find yourself wishing you were back. I know, because I tried to leave the law once, too. Damn fool mistake.”

  “I can’t be bought, old man.”

  His grandfather laughed. “I know. A shame, if you ask me. Buying people saves time. But we’ll work it out the old-fashioned way. Man to man.” There was a pause. “I’m looking forward to seeing you, Cole. I wish we’d done this years ago.”

  Some time during their conversation, the anger had disappeared, leaving behind only regret. “Me, too.”

  “Well, then.” Dermott cleared his throat. “I’ll call you next week some time to confirm your travel plans. Maybe we could go to the theater. I’m sure we can find something we’d all like to see. Maybe even take in a football game. You like football, don’t you?”

  “Yes, Grandfather. Very much.”

  “Good. I’ll talk to you soon.”

  The old man hung up.

  Cole set down his receiver. Conflicting emotions battled for dominance. When the fighting stopped, he was left feeling sad about all that the two of them had missed. At least it wasn’t too late. At least they were going to get a second chance.

  He rosé to his feet and crossed to the window. Elissa stood in the center of a group of children. She’d bought a book on how to make balloon animals and was in the process of teaching them, as well as herself. Even with the window closed he could hear their laughter.

  The sound beckoned him and he left his office. As he came around the side of the building, Elissa saw him. She smiled broadly, then the smile faded.

  He hated that. Ever since she’d told him they should let the children know they were married and he’d refused, they’d been cautious around each other. No, he told himself, knowing it was useless to lie. It wasn’t that he’d refused to tell the children, it was that he’d admitted he wasn’t willing to trust her to stay.

  That hadn’t changed. He’d expected her to be gone that day. Every day since had had him wondering if today would be the day she left. Yet she continued to stay—and to share his bed. Alone at night, naked in each other’s arms, only then did her eyes darken with something other than hurt. He loved her over and over again, hoping the passion between them would be enough to keep her with him. His grandfather had talked about not expecting a miracle, yet Cole prayed for one daily. He prayed that Elissa would stay; he prayed for the courage to believe in her. He knew his prayers would go unanswered.

  “What’s going on?” she asked as she met him on the lawn. She’d left the balloons and the instruction book with the kids.

  Cole shoved his hands into his pockets to keep from touching her. She wore a simple dress, minimal makeup and her hair loose around her shoulders. Autumn was well on its way, yet just looking at her, he believed they could hold on to summer forever.

  “My grandfather called me.”

  “Oh, Cole, you must be thrilled.” She clapped her hands together. “Tell me everything. How was it?”

  He recounted the telephone conversation.

  “Was he what you expected?” she asked.

  “Sort of. A little gruff, very opinionated and used to getting his way.”

  “An older version of you?” She arched her eyebrows.

  He smiled. “Maybe. In about forty years. Despite everything, I liked him. I tried to stay mad, but I couldn’t.”

  She briefly touched his upper arm. “I’m so glad. This is great. So, are you going to see him?”

  His gut clenched. “I thought we’d agreed to go to New York together. Have you changed your mind?”

  Her expression tightened. “No, but I assumed you had. If you don’t trust me to stick around and be part of your future, how can you trust me with your family?”

  “It’s not like that, Elissa.”

  “Then what is it like?” she asked. “Explain this to me. You can love me with your body, but not with your heart? I’m here, right now. I want to be with you forever. I want to give our marriage a second chance. But I can’t do it alone. You have to meet me halfway.”

  Familiar frustration filled him. “You think I don’t want that?” He glanced over her head and saw the kids watching them. Taking her arm, he led her around the building to a bench under a tree. When she sat down, he settled next to her.

  “You don’t trust me,” she said quietly.

  He couldn’t answer.

  She folded her arms over her chest and looked at him. “I love you. I never stopped loving you. But that’s not enough, is it?”

  He hadn’t thought he would hear the words again and didn’t know how he’d thirsted for them until they eased the need inside. She loved him. She still loved him.

  Yet she’d left him.

  “Your silence speaks volumes,” she said sadly. “I’m beginning to think I’ve set myself up with an impossible task. For the rest of our lives you’re going to be waiting for me to walk out the door. All I can do is be here and hope that one day you’ll trust me. It’s not a fun way to live, Cole. We could be so happy together, if only you would believe in me again.”

  “I want to,” he said, his voice hoarse with emotion. “Dear God, if you only knew how much. But you don’t know what it was like when you were gone.” The empty apartment, the gaping hole in his chest, the nightmare that became his life.

  “You’re right,” she said. “I don’t know what it was like. You don’t know what it was like being ignored and overlooked. You don’t know what it was like waiting for you to come home, only to get a phone call saying you were working late. You don’t know what it was like when you forgot to call.” She grimaced. “I’m not saying what I felt compares with what you went through, but we both had pain.”

  She ducked her head. “You don’t know what it was like to leave, to go back to Los Angeles and wait. You don’t know what it was like to realize my husband didn’t care about me enough to come after me.”

  “What the hell are you talking about? If you’d loved me, you wouldn’t have left me.”

  “Maybe,” she said, raising her chin and meeting his gaze. “I’m not saying I’m proud of what I did. I was young. I wanted to get your attention. I thought if you loved me, you would come after me.”

  “You left me,�
�� he repeated.

  “Yes, and you let me go.”

  They sat less than a foot apart on that bench, yet he felt the distance stretch until there was a chasm between them that neither could cross.

  “I want so much for us,” she said. “I want us to be happy together, to enjoy life. I love you. I want to be with you forever. How long are you going to punish me for your parents daring to die and leave you alone, for your grandfather acting so inconsiderately, for my own young and foolish behavior? It’s taken you twenty years to forgive your grandfather. Do I have to wait that long, too?”

  “I don’t know.”

  She shook her head. “There aren’t any words, are there? There’s nothing I can say to convince you?”

  She loved him. That should be enough, but it wasn’t. He wouldn’t trust her again. He wouldn’t take the risk. This time her leaving would destroy him.

  “Cole?” she asked, her voice thick with tears.

  “No,” he said simply. “There’s nothing you can say.”

  * * *

  The door to his office banged open. Millie swept into the room, then slammed the door shut behind her.

  “You’re angry,” he said, noting the color in her cheeks and the way her eyes flashed at him.

  “And they say men aren’t perceptive,” she said sarcastically. “Although in your case, it happens to be true.”

  “We aren’t going to discuss my personal life.”

  She stalked to the chair in front of his desk and sank down. “Yes, we are. Not as employer and employee, but as friends. Or aren’t you willing to admit we’re friends?”

  He leaned back in his chair. “You’ve been more like family than just a friend.”

  “Good. Think of me as your mother. I might not be able to turn you over my knee and spank you, but I can still box your ears. I just might do that, if you push me too far.”

  “You’re not going to say anything I haven’t already said to myself.”

  “Fine. You can listen to it again and maybe this time you’ll be willing to hear.” She crossed her legs as if settling in for the long haul. “What are you doing? Why are you acting like such a fool?”