Jake came to my mother’s memorial service. He cried during it and later he stood up to recall the time the three of us had gone to Yosemite together and she had managed to break the zipper in her sleeping bag. It was a story that got lost in translation but it was funny while it was happening.
Having sex with someone I loved was entirely different from having sex with someone I craved. With Jake the emotional connection was solid. It made sex seem so sweet and kind. I understood the whole concept of ‘falling in love’, for in Jake’s arms I had fallen into a certain contentment that I had not known before or since. Even now, all this time later, I knew Jake loved me as I did him. That never went away. It was so reassuring, even if I only saw him on holidays or at life events such as my mother’s service or the birth of Rebecca’s child.
There was some irony that it was Jake who was confronting me now about my ‘relationship’ with HIM. Jake met it straight on. He was calling me on my bullshit.
I found it ironic that I would’ve walked through fire to have sex with HIM whereas Jake would’ve held my hand if I had to walk through fire. It was obvious to me I’d forgotten how the right kind of love felt. If I didn’t feel so fragile I would have had the sense and self-respect to leave HIM. But I didn’t.
If I were to throw in a little pop psychology, then I would say my desire for HIM was about wanting something I couldn’t have, which made me all the more obsessed. And there was a kernel of truth to it. I’d read before that the definition of addiction was ‘when someone engaged in an action or substance repeatedly despite negative consequences’. So I was obviously an addict. That didn’t make it any easier. Did self-awareness help anyway? I certainly didn’t appreciate Jake telling me how to live my life. Even if he was right. Screw him.
I sat in Rebecca’s backyard. I felt completely bewildered.
I knew Jake was right, but I hated him for it. I blamed Jake for everything. Just because he’d been my former lover, that didn’t give him the right to talk to me that way. How dare he think he knew what was best for me? And then I heard my phone vibrate. Let it be known that my heart stopped. It did. The text was from HIM. HIM.
HIM: It’s Thanksgiving. Thank u 4 the joy + excitement u give me.
I looked at the telephone screen. This was proof that he cared about me, I thought, as I whispered my thanks to the universe.
22
I love HIM. I love HIM. I just do …
She was at last possessed of the wonderful passion which, till then, had hovered like a great bird with roseate wings, floating in the splendour of poetic skies.
Gustav Flaubert, Madame Bovary
The following day Sam and I began our yearly ritual of harvesting the remainder of the apples and canning them. It was kind of mundane yet there was something very satisfying about the whole experience. It took several days. By Sunday evening we looked at dozens of bottles of canned apples. Our friends were happy when they got their yearly supply of our canned apples at Christmas time.
ME: I got a homemade pie for you.
HIM: Sounds delicious.
ME: I can use my stomach as a platter.
HIM: You’re already so sweet.
ME: The pie is just out of the oven.
HIM: How about you come to the hotel on Tuesday. Bring the pie.
Later that night I lay on my bed. I kept thinking about HIM. I picked up the phone and called his number. I didn’t expect HIM to answer. I began rubbing my pussy with my fingers. ‘It’s me,’ I said into the phone. ‘The woman who loves it when you fuck her.’ I stopped talking for a moment. I rubbed my pussy. ‘My fingers are down there. They are. Oh. My. Oh. Oh. It feels so good. Oh, my God, I love it when you’re inside me.’ I stopped talking again. I found my clit. I rubbed it back and forth. ‘Oh. Oh. Yes. Yes. Oh. Oh. I love it. Oh. Oh. Oh my God. I’m going to come … I’m. Oh. Oh. God, I love your come. Oh. Oh,’ and then I became incoherent, my climax so intense I almost lost consciousness. The phone fell out of my hand. I lay there, and only hung up the phone much later.
I woke the following morning. He’d texted me since listening to the phone message.
HIM: THANK YOU. That was so fucking sexy. U r the most sensuous woman. Can’t wait to fuck u soon.
23
HIM, up close and personal …
Give me my Romeo; and, when he shall die, Take him and cut him out in little stars, And he will make the face of heaven so fine That all the world will be in love with night And pay no worship to the garish sun.
William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet
I managed to get through the next couple of days. I went to the lingerie store on the Boulevard and picked out a negligée made of peach satin. When I tried it on, it was more elegant than sexy, but I looked very pretty in it and the feel of the satin against my skin was glorious. I was as turned on as I ever was. I couldn’t wait until I’d be with HIM. I couldn’t wait.
On Tuesday I left in the early afternoon and arrived downtown about 45 minutes later. I went to get the key in the lobby.
Once in the room, I began my usual ritual.
I drew a bath¸ then sank into the water. My middle finger found the place, my special place. I closed my eyes, playing with myself, bringing myself to orgasm. I wanted HIM inside me.
When he arrived he walked straight to the bed. I grabbed HIM by the neck and managed to throw HIM onto the bed so that he was lying on his back.
‘Let me do the work,’ I said to HIM.
He lay there expectantly as I undid his tie. Then I unbuttoned his shirt. I could see his bare chest. It seemed logical that I would need to pay some attention to it. In one movement I pulled off my negligée so that I was fully naked and on top of HIM. ‘My breasts need to say hello to you,’ I told him. Then I traced his chest with my breasts. Finally I brought my breasts up to his mouth. He greedily began to suck on them, one then the other.
‘My breasts need to say hello to your cock,’ I said, as I proceeded to move down to unbuckle his pants and open the zipper. Soon I was able to slide his pants and underwear down his body. He sat up momentarily to pull them off. We looked at each other’s naked body.
‘I’ve never wanted a man inside me more than I do now,’ I told HIM.
‘I have an idea,’ he said, jumping out of bed then turning towards me. He offered me his hand as we stood together. His naked body felt so delicious. He gently guided me until we were facing a mirror atop a set of drawers. He placed my hands on top of them. And then we began our litany, the way we always spoke to each other during our lovemaking.
‘I want you to see what you look like when I am deep-penetrating you. I want you to see that.’
‘I understand.’
‘I have to go really deep with you.’
‘I know.’
‘I don’t have any choice. I have to fuck you this way.’
‘I know.’
And then he began. First he grabbed my breasts and squeezed them. Then he traced my entire body with his hands before slipping one finger gently inside me. He rubbed me in this fashion until I was completely wet, then guided his cock inside. Our eyes met in the mirror as he entered me. I watched HIM in the mirror. He began softly but soon his thrusts became more powerful. My breasts swayed with each movement. I could see that he was watching them in the mirror and that it was making HIM even more excited. And then he pulled back before thrusting again. As deep as he could go. He held his cock like that. He was completely inside me. Our eyes met again.
This was what it was like to have your entire body engulfed by another person. I quivered. Every nerve in my body was alive. I wanted HIM to stay inside me like this for ever. Pain mixed with pleasure equalled ecstasy.
* * *
The following morning we ate breakfast in the hotel room, dressed only in the hotel bathrobes.
‘I have a nine o’clock meeting,’ he told me. I looked at the clock on the bedside table. It was already 8.47 a.m.
‘Not enough time,’ I said.
&n
bsp; Then he led me back to the bed and untied my bathrobe. He threw his own off and lay on top of me.
‘I want to fuck you lying on the bed, still in your bathrobe,’ he said. ‘You are such a vision. You have no idea.’ He was already inside me.
He fucked me then, a no-nonsense fuck. He came almost immediately.
‘Thank you,’ I said.
‘No. Thank you,’ he replied. But he was already hard again. He entered me as we locked our mouths together and thrust deep inside me. Our breaths were one. He came again, moaning into my mouth.
‘My God,’ I told HIM moments later. ‘I have so much of your come inside me.’
He got up. I lay on the bed, still with the untied bathrobe on, watching HIM as he moved around the room. He was dressed within minutes. He came back to the bed and bent down to begin kissing and then licking me THERE. Then he moved up the bed to kiss my mouth. I could taste a mixture of my pussy and his come on his lips. And then he was gone.
I looked at the clock. He was going to be at least fifteen minutes late for his meeting.
I lay on the bed thinking about how much I liked that he hadn’t showered. I imagined HIM entering his office with the smell of me lingering on HIM. I touched myself down THERE. I was wet with his come. I fingered myself. Thought of the way he’d fucked me. Yes. The taste of my pussy and his come on my lips. Yes. The way he touched me. Yes. His cock. His beautiful, beautiful cock inside me. Yes. HIM inside me. Yes. Yes. HIM needing me. HIM having to fuck me. HIM.
I came then and it felt so sweet. It did. Oh, my God, his come, his come, his come.
* * *
I left the hotel later and drove home. When I went looking for Esme, I found her in the bedroom closet with her happy brood. I sat down on the floor next to her, gently petting her neck. There were four kittens: two white kitties (like her), a black and white cat and a tabby. She looked up at me expectantly.
‘Good for you, my sweet little darling,’ I said to my deaf and brave cat. And for a moment then I was hopeful for her and for myself.
24
The promises I so wanted to hear …
Then as he began to move, in the sudden helpless orgasm, there awoke in her new strange thrills rippling inside her. Rippling, rippling, rippling, like a flapping overlapping of soft flames, soft as feathers, running to points of brilliance, exquisite, exquisite and melting her all molten inside.
D. H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley’s Lover
While it had been so much better with HIM and he’d made more of an effort to be with me … it was the weekend, I was alone again and I hated it. I tried to keep my resentment at bay but I still wondered whether he lived a double life. But I was trying to be all cheery with HIM and so I texted HIM a sweet message.
ME: Oh baby. I wish you were here with me right this very minute.
HIM: Hey baby back. I was just thinking abt u. I can work from downtown office next week. Wanna stay @ hotel with me?
ME: Yes.
HIM: Meet me there Mon nite. Pack ur bags for the week.
ME: K.
Knowing I’d see HIM for much of the next week made the weekend go more smoothly. Whenever I felt a tinge of resentment about his lack of weekend availability, I’d force it to the back of my mind. He’d be mine soon for a whole week! Mine. I felt guilty cancelling a lunch date with Rebecca that we’d scheduled for midweek. She’d told me earlier that she’d managed to get her mother-in-law to babysit. She was very much looking forward to seeing me at our favourite restaurant. I emailed her, telling her I had a sore throat. I knew I was not being a very good friend and that she’d probably see right through me. But I didn’t care. I would be with HIM. HIM. Nothing else mattered. It never did.
Our four days together were erotic heaven. I stayed in the room during the day, reading my favourite novels, The Great Gatsby and Pride and Prejudice. I’d wait in the room while he went to work. I’d read and wait for HIM. HIM. I loved HIM.
The sex continued to bind us in an inexplicable way. Our bodies fitted so well together. I loved that first moment when he’d return to the room. I’d lie on the bed, naked, waiting for HIM. He’d open the door to the room, already shedding his clothes. He’d walk toward me, his erection so beautiful. I’d never known such intense sexual pleasure, and it was his cock that I loved the most.
On the first night together, when he returned to the room, I ran to HIM and embraced HIM. I was wearing a dainty pink teddy. He kissed me, then he fell to his knees and hungrily licked my pussy while I balanced myself holding on to his shoulders. I closed my eyes, loving it.
Then I went to the bed and positioned myself so that I was half on it and half off. My butt was in the air, waiting for HIM. Do you know what that felt like? Do you have any idea what it was like to want and need a man so much?
I heard HIM busily taking off his clothes. And then he was upon me and in me. Later he pulled me face-down on the bed. He grabbed my hands and put them above me. He held me like that. He fucked me. He fucked me. I was only half conscious and could have stayed like that for ever. And then his come. And then his come.
‘Do you think,’ I said later, ‘we could start talking about moving me closer to you?’
We were lying on the bed facing each other.
‘It’ll happen in good time,’ he told me.
‘You’ve said repeatedly you would move me closer to you.’
I turned my body away from HIM. He repositioned himself so that he was spooning me. I could feel his erection against my ass.
‘I’m not saying it won’t happen,’ he whispered in my ear. ‘I’m just not sure when.’
‘I’d just like to see more of you.’
‘I like seeing all of you.’
I laughed.
‘That’s better,’ he said.
And then he guided his cock back inside my pussy. He began rocking me and fucking me and I just let go. His hands were all over my body. Nothing else mattered. I could hear his pleasure growing. His moans went straight to my heart. We came together.
Once we’d both revived he began kissing the back of my neck. Still spooning me, he held me tighter. ‘Listen, I know how hard this is for you,’ he murmured. ‘It’s all my fault. I work eighty hours a week and I have two kids. That doesn’t leave a whole bunch of time for you.’
‘I just want to be near you,’ I said turning toward HIM. I felt so safe in his arms.
‘Just give me time,’ he said, earnestly. ‘Let’s see what the New Year brings.’
And then he began kissing me again, kissing me. ‘You’re so gorgeous,’ he said, now kissing my breasts.
‘My breasts need to make love to you,’ I declared. He lay on his back. I bent over HIM, gliding my breasts over his cock. I had to kiss his cock then began grazing his cock with my breasts.
‘I love this,’ I said. ‘I love this.’
He sat up and gently pushed me back on to the bed. I held my breasts together. He straddled me as he guided his cock between my tits.
‘Come on my tits,’ I cried. ‘Come on my tits.’
By now he was gliding his cock between my breasts with great urgency.
‘Please,’ I said desperately. ‘Please. You have no idea how much I need your come.’
And then he exploded all over my breasts. I was so happy. I just was.
* * *
The following evening neither of us wanted to talk. As he walked into the room, I watched HIM from the bed. He threw off his clothes on the carpet and came over to the bed but, instead of lying down, he grabbed me and guided me towards an easy chair. He sat down on it then commanded me to straddle HIM. My breasts were even with his face and he gobbled them while entering me. He never stopped sucking on my breasts. His thrusts were extraordinary as we came together. I fell into HIM.
Several hours later he took me to dinner at the hotel restaurant. When we returned to the room he began undressing me. Then I watched HIM as he took off his own clothes. We stood facing each other. He kissed me hard, then led
me to the windows and pushed me at them so that my breasts were squashed against the glass. I could look out at the city, all lights and big buildings. Once again I wondered whether anyone could see us. It was such a turn-on. I imagined what we must look like.
I wanted HIM to fuck me without mercy. I was a slave to this kind of love. Nothing mattered when I was with HIM. All that I cared about was that he’d continue to touch me, fuck me, feel me and explode inside me. I’d never been so absorbed in a sexual liaison as I was now.
* * *
He woke me the following morning, already dressed in his suit. He told me he planned to return that evening to be with his children. I felt a stab of regret, but I buried it. I gave HIM a long kiss. He bent down and began kissing my breasts. He took my right nipple into his mouth and sucked on it until I moaned deeply, then sucked on the other one. He went back and forth between my nipples until they were sore. I just lay there, my eyes closed. When I came, it was the sweetest sensation. He waited a moment before leaving the room. I did not say goodbye to HIM – I just lay there.
After I heard the door close, I got up, dressed and left.
* * *
Esme greeted me when I arrived home. I opened a can of catfood and put it in one of her bowls. Then I went into my bedroom, took off all my clothes and fell asleep almost immediately. Slept for hours. When I awoke, I looked into my refrigerator and saw that I had no food at all. I needed to go to the store. I didn’t stop next door to ask Sam if he’d like to go with me, which was our usual custom. I really didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to see anyone.
Him Page 12