"Jessica." Karl stood up, reached for her.
She backed away, her color high, her eyes shooting sparks at him. "Please leave Karl. I thought if we talked you might see reason but that's before I saw the way you were tonight. Stubborn, unbending, mulish. If you don't care enough to give yourself a chance, all the words in the world won't make a difference to you."
As the door closed behind Karl, Jessica realized she'd been so busy saying all the wrong things that all the right things she'd rehearsed all week long had been left unsaid.
Abandoning the idea of cleaning up, she burst into tears.
CHAPTER NINE
Jessica was angry. Not the quick flare that she usually experienced. That dwindled fast. This was a slow steady burn, fuelled by thoughts of Karl. The more she thought of the way he'd been Friday night, the angrier she became.
A mule could take lessons from Karl Wagner.
He hadn't contacted her at all since that night. She'd thought of calling and apologizing for saying he was stubborn and unbending. But then she knew if she called him it would only be to add blind and obdurate to her list. The hope that something she'd said that night would have made a difference, had died long ago.
In the past week Molly had called often, Andy had talked to her once and suggested she come over for dinner. Jessica had refused the invitation politely but firmly. She wasn't going to keep meeting Karl. If it was over, it was over, period. She didn't have the stretchability of elastic. Besides it was as important to know when to admit defeat as it was to know when to go on.
"Something's the matter with Uncle Karl," Molly informed her when she called Saturday. "He's very quiet and doesn't come over much. Last weekend I asked if he would come over for the day but he said he had a lot of catching up to do. Do you think now that the baby's here, he thinks I no longer care for him?"
Jessica had to bite back a smile. Trust Molly to worry on an adult level. "I don't think it's that. He probably did have a great deal of paperwork to catch up on because Mrs. Lucas has been out of the office."
"I heard Mommy say it sounded like a bad case of jitteritis to her. Do you know what that means?"
"I have no idea." But she did. There was jitteritis that everyone had at decision time, then there was Karl's variety. Chronic. The kind with no cure for it.
"Remember you're spending next weekend with us," Molly reminded.
"I haven't forgotten." Jessica assured her. "Say hello to everyone for me."
"Know something Jessica?" Molly was in no hurry to end the call. "The O’Connors’ said if there's a dog in the shelter that's not too hairy and won't shed much, they would like one. They said seeing Arthur made them decide they want one of their own very much. Mrs. O'Connor has talked to her doctor about it. The doctor told her that if she went to the shelter and got really close to the dog, she'd soon know if she was allergic to the animal or not. Do you think there's a dog for them at the shelter?"
"I'm going there this afternoon." Jessica had decided it was time to take Jose Garcia some of her chili. The dish always turned out well when she was angry. "I'll keep an eye out for a suitable dog."
Satisfied Molly said goodbye and hung up.
Jessica stirred the chili busy with her thoughts. That was two dogs she had to find today. Mrs. Lucas wanted a dog as well. Karl's office manager had called her Monday at six and apologized all over again for not letting her have Karl's message. Jessica had known there had to be another reason behind the call but she'd listened quietly as the office manager had told that her sister was recovering from the accident nicely. Mr. Lucas had the flu now, though, and to listen to the man carry on you'd think the world was coming to an end.
"Jerry's been so difficult since he retired," she'd confided. "More demanding, easily offended and very moody. The doctor said it's a mild depression. Dr. Wagner suggested a dog might do him good. I was wondering if you could kind of pick one out for us. Not too big, because we have a small yard."
"I'd love to."
So Karl was back at it. Solving everyone else's problems and ignoring his own.
"Dr. Wagner said you'd know just the right dog for us. He says you have a knack for matching people with the right dog."
"Hmmm."
She had a knack for matching him with the right person too. If only he'd let go off his rock of insecurity.
"He's working much too hard these days," Mrs Lucas offered apropos of nothing.
"Oh?" Jessica had commented carefully.
"He's got something on his mind, for sure. Sits in that office for hours after everyone else has gone home. Says he has work to catch up with. Last week I forgot my bag in the office and had to go back for it. There he sat with his head in his hands and didn't even hear me come in."
Jessica threw in half the tin of chili powder into her chili as she recalled Mrs. Lucas' words. The thought of Karl, alone and sad made her heart curl up in pain.
"Hmm." It wasn't brilliant. It was all she'd been capable of saying.
"I have to go now dear. There's another call coming through. It's been so nice talking to you." Mrs. Lucas had concluded hurriedly.
"I'll get back to you about the dog," Jessica had promised.
She shook some more chili powder in then frowned at the empty tin in her hands. Surely she hadn't emptied eight ounces of chili powder in there? Oh well, she'd just warn Jose before he ate it.
Transferring a generous quantity of chili into a disposable container Jessica picked up her car keys, setting out for the shelter earlier than she'd planned. She didn't want to be haunted by visions of Karl lonely and sad. All week she'd thought of little else.
Jose was glad to see her. "How are you doing Ms. Woods and how's the Great Dane?"
"He's the happiest dog in the world, Jose." Jessica beamed at the officer. "I'm sure there are days he wants to pinch himself to make sure he hasn't died and gone to dog heaven."
"I'm so glad," he eyed the container she held in her hands. "Is that the chili you promised me?"
"It is. Good and hot." said Jessica cheerfully. "Pepper hot, not fire hot. Guaranteed to cause heartburn, gastroenteritis and an upset stomach."
"My stomach won't object. It's used to Serrano and jalapeno peppers." Jose said happily his eyes glistening in anticipation of the meal.
"In that case, you'll enjoy this." Jessica told him. "I've put half a loaf of crusty French bread into the bag to go with it. Mind if I look at the dogs while you eat?"
Jose looked a bit uneasy. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"Why not?" Surprise made Jessica quiz the expression on Jose's face.
"Well," Jose hitched his pants up with one hand. "You know what happened the last time you looked at them?"
He didn't want her to put her through all that again. A nice lady like her should marry and devote all that love to her family.
"But it all turned out fine, didn't it?" Jessica demanded.
"You were hurting so badly for that dog I almost wanted to take him home myself." Jose reminded gently.
"What's wrong with caring?"
"Nothing," said Jose gently, "as long as it doesn't break your heart not to succeed."
Jessica thought about what Jose had said as she strolled between the rows.
It was breaking her heart not to succeed with Karl. But if love wasn't given unconditionally and without thought of self did it really qualify as love?
A black mongrel cringed as she approached his enclosure, shrinking into the farthest corner. His plume of a tail was tucked low, his eyes begged for mercy and his whole body trembled.
"Who hurt you, sweetheart?" Jessica crooned softly. She could see the Lucas's with this dog, pampering him back to trust and love. He was just the right size too. Once he'd recovered his spirit he would make a fine, undemanding companion.
She remembered how Arthur had been the first time she'd visited him. Words wouldn't have convinced him then. Time and actions proved points better than speeches.
Jessica's hand
s froze on the bar. That was it. Karl needed more than words to convince him of her love. He needed action.
"You want this one?" Jose's words floated to her on a wave of chilli breath. He sounded gloomy.
"Wha...? No. I just had an idea."
"Oh?" Cautiously he backed up. He'd seen that light in her eyes before.
"Yes. Can you reserve this dog for me till tomorrow evening? And there's another one in that first row. Third from the right. A schnauzer. They don't shed, do they? I want him too."
"Bought a house have you?" He could just see her in it. With more rescued animals than they had in the dog shelter.
"What?" Jessica stared at him in surprise. "No, I haven't bought a house. You know I can't afford one. These two are for people I know. They'll stop by tomorrow to see the dogs."
"I'll put a hold on their cards then."
He watched her hurry out of sight. It was obvious her idea was at boiling point. The person on the receiving end of it had Jose's sympathy. Nothing would stop her once she got going.
Jessica flung her bag down on the couch as soon as she entered her apartment and dialed Karl's number. The receiver was lifted on the third ring.
"Karl, hi!"
"If you will leave your name and number I will get back to you as soon as I can," intoned the answering machine.
She stared at the telephone receiver, frozen. An answering machine. He'd bought an answering machine. It was like a slap. He wanted to protect his privacy. He didn't want her calling and bothering him.
Her voice quivered as she left a message. "Karl, please call me."
He didn't return her call. Jessica called once a day for the next three days. Each time she listened to the same message, left the same brief request.
As the week wore on, Jessica's anger escalated to volcanic proportions. By the time Molly called Thursday she was ready to erupt.
"Rikki's beginning to recognize me, Jessica." Molly announced. "He likes me to tickle his feet. Dr. Ahmed said Mommy's all better now, so Daddy's taking her out to dinner tonight. Nana and Gramps and I are going to take care of Rikki and have English fish and chips for dinner. Did you know the English like their ketchup mixed with vinegar? I do too." The pause for breath didn't take long. "The O'Connors went to the shelter three times this week. Mrs. O' Connor's not allergic to schnauzers so they're going to bring George home next week. Uncle Karl's in Mexico."
"Oh?" Jessica wondered if he was moving there to avoid her. The thought he hadn't returned her messages because he hadn't received them did make a difference though.
"He's been helping at an American clinic that gives free dental aid to the poor. He does it once every year, for a week."
Drat the man. Why could she never stay angry with him?
"Nana and Gramps asked me if I would like to go to San Francisco for a week with them," continued Molly unaware of the tidal waves of emotion her news was creating in Jessica's brain. "Miss Hedges, my teacher says travel is an education in itself. Do you think Arthur will be very sad if I leave him?"
"No," said Jessica her mind busy with pictures of Karl doing volunteer dental work in Mexico. Would that man ever slow down long enough to come to terms with his own needs? "He's going to miss you quite a bit, naturally, but he'll have your Mommy and Daddy to keep him company while you're gone."
"Rikki too." The love Molly felt for her brother was obvious in her voice.
"Rikki too," agreed Jessica, glad at how well everything had turned out for the Spencers.
Jessica called Mrs. Lucas the next day.
"I was wondering how you fared at the shelter?" she asked the older woman.
Mrs. Lucas had mentioned visiting the shelter with her husband on Wednesday. The clinic closed at twelve and the staff had a half day off then.
"We liked the dog you picked," she said happily. "You should see Jerry with him. The dog makes him feel important and needed. It's the best medicine for him. He's more cheerful than I've seen him in a long while, spends a lot of time outdoors with Scrap and is even talking of taking him for walks."
Jessica stared at the telephone thoughtfully after the call. She'd had a great deal more to say to Mrs. Lucas and all of it hadn't been to do with the dog.
"Is it okay if I go home early today?" Mrs. Lucas. asked Karl his first day back. "I have a splitting headache."
"Sure," Karl nodded.
The last patient had just left five minutes ago. The four o'clock appointment had been cancelled at the last minute and his assistant had asked if she could leave early as well. Karl was in his office putting a file away when Mrs. Lucas came in.
"Are you leaving now too?" asked Mrs. Lucas.
"No," said Karl, wondering about the apprehensive look on his office manager's face. "I just want to go over a few of the patient's charts. I'll lock up when I leave."
He preferred the clinical surroundings of his office these days. At least here there were no reminders of a woman in an outsize bathrobe, with velvet lips and skin like silk. Of a face, tender, expressive, vulnerable, that haunted his every waking moment. Of eyes that simmered with pain while she accused him of being stubborn and unbending.
He was all that and more.
The emptiness inside had snowballed into a dark heap of despair. He'd thought the strenuous hours he always put in while volunteering in Mexico would fill the blanks in his life. Not so. At odd hours he would think of her smile, the caring, and he would be overcome by the urge to return and tell her he loved her.
He wasn't sure when she had slipped past his guard. All he knew was she had reached a part of him no other woman had and that he didn't want to let go of her. Only Jessica was like a flower that relied on the warmth of the sun for life. He couldn't bear to risk thinking he might lessen her happiness in any way.
It was also why he hadn't made love to her. He didn't doubt the force of their desire, or Jessica's willingness. But he couldn't simply take and not give. If he wasn't ready for heart whole commitment he had to protect her from their physical wish for a relationship. Someday she would meet someone else. If he couldn't be her husband, he didn't want to be a regret in her life either.
He heard the outer door open and frowned. Mrs. Lucas always locked that one before she left. Maybe she'd forgotten something.
He peeped out of his office and his heart did a quantum leap.
"Jessica! Is something wrong?" He was beside her instantly.
She was holding a hanky to her face. He caught the words, "..... hurts."
"Your tooth hurts?"
Without waiting for her to say anything, he cupped her elbow, led her into the first treatment room, helped her into the shiny black chair. She hadn't removed the hanky from her face. Her eyes looked at him from behind her glasses, shining with trepidation.
Karl's heart contracted. He couldn't bear to see her in pain. He picked one hand up. Her pulse was rapid. He touched her forehead. She wasn't running a fever.
"There's nothing to be afraid of Jessica," he said gently. Just looking at her filled the empty hole in his heart, made him feel wonderful. "How long have you had this pain?"
She removed the hanky. Karl noted with relief her face wasn't swollen. "Since the first of February."
"That long? And you didn't tell me about it?" It could be any number of things. "Where does it hurt?"
She put both hands above her left breast. "Here!"
Karl frowned, "There?"
Jessica nodded mournfully. "Remember the day at the mall?" As if he could ever forget. "That's when it all began. I believe it's caused by loving someone, not being sure if that love is returned."
A variety of expressions flitted across Karl's face. Carefully he set the tiny mirror he'd picked up down, moved the mechanical drill arm back, touched the button that would return her chair to the upright position.
"If this is your idea of a joke, Jessica," he said stiffly as pain lashed his insides.
She caught his arm. "Karl, look at me. Does it look as if I'm joking?
I know you think I'm kind of pushy. I am, about certain things. But even I'm not that pushy that I'll chase a man who isn't interested in me. Look at me and tell me you don't care and I'll leave right away and never bother you again."
Karl looked at her and sighed. "Life isn't that easy Jessica."
"Who said it was?" Jessica retorted. "My mother always said everyone is given a blank canvas when they're born. The picture they paint on it is up to them. When we're young others paint pictures for us, but the wonderful thing about the canvas is each one has the ability to paint over the old pictures. As we grow, we have to bear that in mind. There is no limit to the changes we can make, or the help we can ask to make our canvas beautiful. All it takes is strength of purpose."
Karl stayed silent.
"Andy and Jim didn't have it easy either," Jessica swept on, afraid to stop, to let thought take over. "If they hadn't worked at it, strived to build their marriage one step at a time they wouldn't be where they are now. You told me once that beauty doesn't come out of a bottle. Well, neither does happiness. It's a state of mind, an attitude, a strength one cultivates. No one controls your outlook but you. A strong person changes things; a weak one prefers to blame his shortcomings on others. You're not weak Karl. If you'd only use your strength to help yourself."
As usual she was close to tears. Silence pooled around her and as she calmed down Jessica realized she should never have come. The shame of a personal refusal was going to compound her suffering. She stared at her hands as the tears ran unheeded down her face. A few seconds and she would find the strength to stand up and leave. Right at this moment she was drained.
The silence stretched on and on.
Karl rose to his feet, crossed his arms across his chest, and cleared his throat.
"About that pain you're having...," he began conversationally.
Jessica looked up, not bothering to hide the tears on her face.
"It's a chronic condition," Karl reached down brushed her tears away. "You just have to live with it for the rest of your life."
Project Valentine (A Homespun Romance) Page 15