Cowboys 08 - Luke

by Leigh Greenwood

  "What else do you have to do to be in love?"

  "You have to be willing to change, to give up almost anything to make your husband happy."

  "Do men change to make their wives happy?"

  "Yes."

  But she noticed his answer was a bit less emphatic. That didn't surprise her. Apparently even in America, women were expected to give up more than men. "Could you ever feel this way about a woman?" she asked.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Luke had assumed every woman knew what love was and was only waiting for the chance to be allowed to express herself. If he interpreted Valeria's questions and blank looks correctly, she didn't have any idea what it was. "No."

  "Why not?"

  He wasn't about to answer personal questions. Just because she didn't know the answers to things everybody else understood practically from birth that didn't mean he had to expose his inner feelings and secrets. He didn't mind being helpful, but he didn't owe her his life story.

  "I just haven't."

  "Don't you believe in love?"

  "Yes."

  "Then you've got to believe you could fall in love."

  "Look, love's not for everybody. Just like being faithful to your wife isn't for everybody. Or being a banker, or liking children. Some people can do some things, others do other things. Being in love is just not something I want to do."

  The statement was barely out of his mouth before he realized it was a lie. He had cut off his feelings for so long, he didn't think he could love. He didn't think anybody ought to love him, but he did want somebody to love him. He'd just been telling himself he didn't because it made not being loved easier to take.

  "Could you love somebody back if they loved you?" "No."

  He didn't need the startled look on Valeria's face to know his answer had come too fast. "Not everybody's made to love."

  "You've never met anybody you could love?" "No."

  That at least was an honest answer. "Has anybody loved you?"

  "I hope not. I wouldn't make a very good husband." "Do women love only good husbands?"

  "No. A lot of women, and men, love the worst possible person."

  "Then it seems it would be better if their parents arranged marriages for them."

  "It probably would, but that's not the way we do it.

  Everybody wants a chance at happiness."

  "Don't you want to be happy?" "I am happy."

  "But you're not married."

  "You don't have to be married to be happy." "But I thought you said-"

  "I was just talking about the people who want to get married."

  He'd let himself wade too far into this murky pool. He didn't know anything about love. He was only repeating things he'd heard. He ought to be talking about horses or guns or traveling through rough country, things he understood.

  He suspected men couldn't love as deeply and truly as women, that it just wasn't in them. They were always going back on their word, lying, cheating, catting around, doing all the things they swore on bended knee they'd never do.

  And that was another thing. No man would ever have thought to get down on his knees to ask a woman to marry him. That was too humiliating. It was too much like begging. It was obviously something some woman had thought up and talked some weak-minded man into doing, setting a bad example for other men. Like going to church and rocking the baby.

  That started him wondering if Chet went to church or rocked his own babies. He remembered when Jake and Isabelle's only child, Erin, was born. Some of the boys couldn't wait to hold her. He'd kept his distance, but he couldn't remember what Chet had done. He wondered if it was different when you had your own babies.

  It hadn't been for his parents.

  "I think I would like to be married," Valeria said. "That's a good thing, since I'm escorting you to your future husband."

  But he could tell from her expression Valeria hadn't been thinking of Rudolf. That didn't surprise him. There was bound to be some young man in her past who had touched her heart. A rich, beautiful, young princess would certainly have been courted by some of the most handsome men in the world.

  What did surprise him, and anger him as well, was his own reaction. He could tell from his quickened pulse, his shallow breathing, that he was hoping she'd been thinking of him. He could hardly have done anything more stupid if he'd tried. He'd discovered long ago he couldn't inspire love in the heart of a good woman. He'd accepted that because he didn't know any good woman he could stand to be around for more than a few hours at a time. Yet though he told himself it was impossible, that he wouldn't like being married, that he wouldn't make a good husband, he hadn't given up hope that somewhere, somehow, he'd find a woman who could learn to love him.

  That was foolish in itself, but it was the height of folly to think that Valeria could be that woman. She was a princess, for God's sake. They couldn't possibly find any common ground. She thought of him as a servant, a man hired to work for her like dozens of others. If she could learn to love-and he wasn't sure anyone in her class could-she certainly wouldn't be interested in a man who sold his gun and honor to the highest bidder.

  Despite all that and the many arguments he advanced during the rest of the day, that was, nonetheless, exactly what he did hope.

  "Did you enjoy your ride?" Otto asked Valeria.

  He sounded out of sorts. Valeria was glad she hadn't been closed up in the carriage with him all day. "Very much."

  "Are you sure you didn't get too hot?" Hans asked.

  "Yes, I'm sure."

  "It was very warm in the coach," Elvira volunteered.

  "It was hotter than hell in that coach," Otto said. "If I had known what this country was like, I'd never have let your uncle talk me into accompanying you on this trip."

  He patted his forehead with his handkerchief, but the perspiration continued to pop out on his skin like drops of rain.

  "Maybe it'll rain again tonight," Valeria said. "It makes things cooler for a little while at least."

  They were seated at the table, eating a light dinner. That was part of the reason for Otto's foul mood. He was convinced he would starve before they reached Rudolf's ranch. The chef made up the menu, but Luke controlled the quantities prepared.

  "I hope we reach a town soon," Otto complained. "I don't know how much longer I can exist on game."

  "I find the change in diet invigorating," Hans said.

  "Then why don't you help your guide bring down tomorrow's dinner?" Otto snapped. "After all, you were the one who hired him."

  "I'm quite pleased with my choice."

  "Pleased with a tyrant who forces us to swelter in this oven while being bounced to death over rocks all day! I was more comfortable and better fed when I was in the army.

  "You only have to endure this until we reach Duke Rudolf's ranch," Hans said. "I'm sure you'll find things there more to your liking."

  Valeria wished the two men would stop arguing. They had never gotten along, but their duties in Belgravia hadn't brought them together very often. Here, closed up in a coach under miserable conditions, even the most good-natured men would have been cross from time to time. It would be a relief to reach Rudolf's ranch and be able to get away from them.

  But Valeria found herself feeling less and less anxious to reach her future husband's home. She had spent a lot of time thinking of what Luke had told her. The most important conclusion she'd reached was that she didn't love Rudolf and most likely never would. She realized he was domineering, austere, completely uninterested in women except to satisfy his physical needs, a man who would expect complete and unquestioning obedience.

  As soon as Luke had told her American women had choices, Valeria knew she wanted a husband as different from Rudolf as night from day. Visions, hopes, and dreams had formed in endless bursts during that memorable day. She'd never known she had so many ideas that were contrary to the future she'd expected for herself. It was almost as though she had been asleep, and Luke had awakened the real Va
leria.

  She hadn't known herself at all.

  "I think I'll go for a short walk before bed," she said.

  Hans and Otto got to their feet. "I'll come with you," Hans said. "It's not safe to wander around in the dark."

  "I thought your perfect guide was keeping all of us safe," Otto sneered.

  "Elvira can come with me," Valeria said. "You two finish eating."

  "There's nothing left," Otto moaned.

  It was too dark to walk under the trees by the river, and the surrounding desert was full of thorns that would tear at her clothes. Valeria chose to circle the wagons that had been pulled up to the fire.

  "Are you going to ride in the coach tomorrow?" Elvira asked.

  Valeria heard the apprehension in her voice. "Why do you ask? Did Hans or Otto say something?"

  "No. I worry that you won't be safe."

  They passed close to a wagon where three drivers were talking quietly.

  "Evening, princess," one said. The others echoed his greeting.

  "Good evening," Valeria replied.

  "Did you enjoy your ride?" the first man asked. "Very much. I'm looking forward to riding again tomorrow."

  "Must you ride again?" Elvira asked.

  "No, but I want to. There's no need to worry about my safety. Luke can protect me."

  "But he's a stranger."

  Now Valeria understood. Elvira thought it improper for her mistress to be in the presence of a stranger without a chaperon.

  "Things are different in this country, Elvira. We have to learn a whole new way of thinking." "Why?" She sounded frightened.

  "So we can belong here."

  "I want everything to be like it always was."

  Valeria opened her mouth to say she did, too, then closed it again. Part of her clung to the past because it was familiar, but another part looked forward, however nervously, to a future she could shape to fit her talents and desires. She had never thought of herself as a rebel, but she had been given a vision of freedom too precious to turn her back on. No matter what the cost, she would not go back.

  Valeria jerked the hem of her dress loose from some kind of thorny plant-there seemed to be an endless number of them-and exchanged greetings with another driver. She stopped in her tracks and turned to face Elvira. "If you could marry any man you wanted, what would you do?"

  "I've never thought of marriage," Elvira exclaimed. "I hope to serve you my whole life."

  "But suppose you didn't have to serve me. Suppose you could choose your husband, marry, have children, manage your own household."

  Valeria had clearly gone further than Elvira could follow.

  "Is that what you talked about with Mr. Attmore?" she asked.

  "That and a great many other things. He says that in America women don't have to marry if they don't want to. They can earn their own living, keep their money, divorce their husbands if they no longer want to be married to them."

  "Please, can't we go back home?" Elvira pleaded. "I don't like it here. It's strange and frightening. Just like Mr. Attmore."

  "Luke's not frightening."

  "He scares me so badly I can hardly breathe. And those other men!"

  Valeria knew she referred to Hawk and Zeke.

  "I was uneasy at first," Valeria said. "I hope it's not this hot and thorny in the rest of America, but I find it exciting."

  Valeria saw Luke now, standing just outside the light, talking to his brothers. She guessed they were talking about the next day's plans. She wanted to ask him to share them with her, but she could tell from the glances cast her way that though many men had accepted the new status of women in America, Luke's brothers preferred that women keep their distance.

  "But you will marry Duke Rudolf," Elvira said. "Once he has your fortune, he will take you back to Europe and we can live in a palace like always."

  The notion of Rudolf getting her money set Valeria's teeth on edge. She found herself on the verge of declaring that no one would control her fortune but herself. She paused, wondering how such a change could have come about so quickly. All her life she'd accepted that her fortune would go to her husband. "Maybe I won't marry Rudolf," Valeria said.

  "What!"

  "I said I might decide not to marry Rudolf."

  "What would you do?"

  "I don't know. Maybe buy my own ranch and breed horses."

  Her own words surprised her, but no sooner had she uttered them than she knew that was something she wanted to do. She didn't know everything she wanted. She hadn't had time to think, but Luke's words had given rise to a tremendous feeling of excitement. She felt as though she were a boiling pot that threatened to blow its lid any moment. She looked forward to the explosion. She was certain that with that eruption the real Valeria would finally emerge.

  "But you have to marry Duke Rudolf," Elvira said. "The marriage contracts are signed."

  Valeria felt hope plummet. She'd forgotten about the contracts. A sudden feeling of claustrophobia assailed her. A breathlessness, a quickened pulse, a queasy feeling in her stomach.

  She had begun the journey perfectly content with her future marriage. Now, in the space of a few days, she looked upon this marriage as something like a death sentence.

  How could her feelings have changed so drastically?

  She had no definite plans for her future, only a hazy idea of what freedom of choice would mean. Only an idea that she wanted breeding horses to be part of her future, that being in love sounded wonderful, that she could depend on Luke to guide her through the confusion of learning how to make the most of these freedoms.

  She would ask Luke. Surely a country that allowed a woman to divorce her husband wouldn't honor such contracts. He would help her. He wouldn't let it hit her like a double whiff of smelling salts. Luke was the reason she didn't want to marry Rudolf! Did that mean she loved him?

  No, she couldn't love a man that harsh. And angry. He gave the appearance of being calm and in control. He probably was in external matters, but inside, he was very angry about something.

  "I'll worry about the contracts some other time," Valeria said. "It's time to go to bed."

  "Are you're going to ride with Luke tomorrow?"

  "Yes."

  She had a lot of questions that needed answering, and Luke was the only one who could answer them. That in itself was probably a sign of something very important, but it didn't dismay her any longer. From this point on, everything in her life was going to be new and important. On the whole, she liked that idea very much.

  "You going to scout again tomorrow?" Zeke asked Luke.

  "I haven't decided. Why?"

  Luke had watched Vaieria out of the corner of his eye. He hadn't seen her for several minutes now, so he assumed she had gone to bed. He was glad for the cover of night. He hoped the dark hid the fact that his gaze had strayed to the women more than to either of his brothers.

  "I think you ought to stay with the wagons," Zeke said. "We can protect that woman better."

  "Who said she's going to ride again tomorrow?"

  "I could see it in her eyes."

  "She doesn't like being closed up in that coach," Hawk said.

  "Do either of you want to scout ahead?" Luke asked. "I don't care what I do," Hawk said.

  "Me, neither," Zeke said, "but I think you ought to stay away from that woman. She's trouble."

  "What do you propose I do, lock her in the coach?" "No, but if she's got to ride, she can ride with me." "We tried that today."

  "Let Hawk give it a try," Zeke suggested.

  Hawk's grunt implied that he didn't think much of the idea.

  "I'd rather do it myself than have her hanging on your neck," Zeke said.

  "She's not hanging on my neck. But even if she were, what is it you're afraid she'll do?"

  "If she didn't do any more than take your mind off your work, she'd be dangerous."

  "And what else do you think she might be able to do?"

  "Seems to me you'd know the answ
er a whole lot better than Hawk and me. You're the one who's spent the last two days in her company."

  "I've spent weeks in the company of females at one time or another, and I've always managed to keep my mind on my work."

  "Mis one's different."

  Luke couldn't deny it, and it had nothing to do with her being a princess. In fact, being a princess was just about the biggest strike against her. There were more drawbacks, all of them substantial, but they didn't seem to make any difference.

  "She's richer and more beautiful," Luke said. "She's also a lot more trouble."

  "That's not what I mean," Zeke said.

  "Then spit it out. I've never known you to be coy about saying what you felt."

  "Zeke thinks you're sweet on her," Hawk said. "Me, too."

  "You're sweet on her, too?" Luke said, deliberately misunderstanding Hawk. "I can't wait to see her reaction when I tell her."

  "Anybody ever tell you that you can be a real bastard sometimes?" Zeke said.

  "A time or two," Luke said, "but it never stopped any

  one from wanting the protection of my gun."

  "Well, Hawk and I don't need your protection. We're just trying to look out for you."

  "I don't need anybody looking out for me, especially not a half-breed and an ex-slave."