Effortless With You

by Lizzy Charles

  We walk down Selby Ave. toward the St. Paul Cathedral in silence. The silence doesn’t bother me because I don’t have anything else to say. I like it. It puts off the final blow to my heart, allowing me to sustain this numb state a bit longer. The dusky sky reveals cool colors of lavender and green. I wander away from Justin, changing our course to walk around the cathedral. His footsteps follow.

  A grassy space on top of a hill overlooks the capital. This is where it’ll happen. The capital glows brilliant white against the lavender sky. I sit down. At least it’ll be a beautiful break.

  My heart begs, desperate for the final blow. This pain must end.

  Justin sits down next to me. He picks at the grass. “Lucy,” he breaks the silence. “I’m sorry.” I cringe, my eyes shut with his apology. My heart goes supernova.

  “I’m sorry,” he says again. He places his hand on my shoulder. “I can’t be friends with you anymore, Lucy.”

  I nod. “I know. I understand.” I attempt to shrug as my heart is now dust. “It’s probably best for me that way too.”

  “No, you don’t understand.” He moves his body so he is in front of me. He waits there until my eyes meet his. “I can’t be friends with you anymore because now that I know—”

  I put up my hand to make him stop. “You don’t have to explain. It’s okay.”

  “No, I do.” His brow bends in, frustrated. My nose gives me that telling burn. I will not cry. My fingers grasp at some dirt. “I had no idea you felt that way. All summer you’ve acted like you only wanted to be my friend.”

  “That’s because I did.”

  “Lucy, when you love someone you want to be more than friends.” He sounds cross. “I’m sorry. This is just so out of the blue. You never let on.”

  “Well, I didn’t want to be like the rest of the girls. I wasn’t going to throw myself at you and risk ruining our friendship. It wasn’t worth it.”

  “And now?” he asks.

  “Loving you hurts too much. I can’t live with so much heartache anymore. It’s killing me.” The itch turns to tears. He scoots in closer to me. Why does he have to be so nice? It just makes it harder.

  “Lucy.”

  I interrupt him. “I know I ruined everything but it will help me move on.” I nod toward the phone in Justin’s lap. “If I didn’t tell you, I’d be waiting forever. That thing never stops.”

  Justin leans in close and brushes a stray strand of hair from my forehead. I freeze with his tenderness. What? His lips part into a slight smile as he leans in closer. My world spins in confusion.

  “Lucy, you didn’t ruin anything.” He bends down and presses his lips softly against mine. My lips tingle with his warm touch.

  He pulls away from me and chuckles. “You’re a funny girl.”

  My mouth dangles. What just happened? Justin laughs and leans in again. His lips find mine, with more passion, and he wraps his hands around my back and pulls my body close to him. I gently run my fingers through his hair.

  I have no idea what I’m doing … but it feels right.

  He chuckles, that beautiful chuckle. “Lucy, if you had any idea how crazy you’ve made me all summer …” He pulls me in close for another kiss. My heart flies and my head is a cloud. I can’t process anything.

  He kisses my neck and everything in me warms. “You’re so beautiful.” He kisses my collar bone and I can’t help but sigh. “So smart.” His lips find mine again. “So unique.” He pulls away but I don’t want him to stop. Never stop.

  His forehead touches mine. “I’ve loved you all summer.” Everything glows. My heart, my arms, feet, my whole body.

  The fog slowly clears. Me? He loves me?

  He loves me.

  “But how?” I ask.

  He brushes the strand of hair out of my eyes again. “How can I not? You’re amazing. You’ve got spunk. When you threw that punch in the hospital, I was a goner. Right from the beginning.” I open my mouth to debate. He puts his finger against it and smiles. “You are absolutely captivating.” He wraps his arms around me in the perfect hug. “You always amazed me. How many times did you drag yourself off the ground all on your own and start over this summer?”

  “Figuratively or literally?”

  “Both,” he answers. “A storm throws you off a roof and runs you down with a tornado and you jump up to check on everyone else.” He kisses my forehead.

  I pull away and look deep into his green eyes. “Wait, if you liked me then why did you shut me out?”

  Justin shakes his head. “Not liked, Lucy. Loved.” He holds my face in his hands and gives me another kiss. “I love you.” He beams and his green eyes sparkle in the moonlight. “It feels so good to finally say it.”

  “I love you too.” I’m crying again. I never allowed myself to imagine that it would end this way.

  Justin pulls me onto his lap and wipes away my tears. “I’m sorry I was so distant. I was so crazy in love with you, but I had to keep my promise to Jennifer. I had to stay away from you. I couldn’t trust myself.”

  He entwines his fingers through mine. “The day you showed up at work wearing that skirt, I almost lost it. All I could think about was doing this,” he leans in and kisses me, starting soft but swelling with so much heat and passion. Goosebumps run up and down my legs. When he stops, I gasp for air. Holy crap.

  “Somehow I didn’t think that would be work appropriate.” He winks.

  “I wouldn’t have minded. Trust me.” I lean into his arms again. He smells so good. “So, is that why you made me do your research? So you wouldn’t have to be around me?”

  “Partially, but mostly it has to do with these.” He lifts my scarred hands to his lips and kisses each mark. “I can’t believe I put you in so much danger.” My hands are cradled in his warm, calloused palms. Man hands.

  He continues, “I was an absolute fool leaving you up on the ladder in that wind. It never occurred to me to consider your weight difference. And, after that, I drove you right into the path of a tornado.” His eyes fill with pain. This time I rise up and kiss his lips lightly. He sighs. “I don’t deserve you.”

  “That’s largely debatable.” I kiss his perfect jaw line. “Are you sure I didn’t go comatose from heartbreak and this isn’t a dream?”

  Justin hugs me and I rest my head against his chest. His heart beats wildly. “Have any of your dreams ever felt like this?”

  “No.”

  “Then you can rest assured. This isn’t a dream.”

  Justin’s phone rings and I jolt. “Allison?” He nods. Somewhere between looking into his green eyes and our kiss I forgot about her. He presses ignore on the phone. “But what about her?” I ask.

  Justin sighs. “Well, before she was calling to confirm our date.”

  “What did you say?”

  “Lucy,” he covers my hands with his palms. “I told her the truth—I love you.” His phone rings again. “She’s pretty pissed.”

  “I bet.” I can’t help but smile. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Always.”

  “Why did you ask her out on a date if you loved me?”

  “A last ditch effort to divert myself.” Justin shakes his head. “You were a big surprise in my life. I wasn’t planning on meeting someone like you for a long time.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s not a bad thing,” he reassures. “You threw me off. I always imagined I’d date in college to find my lady.” He nudges me. No wonder he always called me Lady. “And then I met you and I knew. I was so overwhelmed with my love for you. I thought taking Allison on a date or two would help me keep my feelings in check until you were ready.”

  “Well,” I let my body melt against his. “I am.”

  He kisses my head. “It took you a bit though, right?” he teases with a tickle at my side.

  I laugh but my arms force him to stop. Tickling is torture.

  “You made me so mad.” I try to tickle back. His strength holds me off effortlessly.
“You drove me crazy in all the wrong ways and then somehow you drove me crazy in all the right ones.”

  He scrunches his eyebrows together.

  “It’s been a very confusing summer. That moment, in the water after the race …”

  “Was cruel.” He sweeps me off his lap, onto the grass. Pinning me to the ground like he did in the shallow waves. “When you looked at me like that, I almost lost it.”

  I welcome his weight as he presses into me, lips finding mine. He pulls away only for a moment to say, “I’m never going to be able to stop kissing you.”

  “Good, don’t,” I say between breathes. He pushes back into me, hands in my hair while we explore each other’s kiss. We make out as the sun slips away, welcoming the darkness and stars.

  Justin’s mouth eventually moves to my neck and collar bone. He laughs when he finally has the opportunity for air.

  “Now there’s only one thing left to do—tell Troy,” he says as he perches himself up on his elbow, fingers against my back.

  “Let’s not talk about Troy. He’ll be fine. Just tell him you landed the Hill House job. That should be enough of a distraction.”

  “Eh, maybe. He really thinks he’s going to take you on a date someday.”

  “Oh?”

  “Did you tell him that?”

  “No, I just said I needed time.”

  Justin’s laugh bubbles and my butterflies zoom at warp speed. “Lucy,” he touches his nose to mine. “A guy would wait for you forever.” He brushes my cheek with his fingers and exhales. “Luckily, I don’t have to.”

  I lean into him. “Good.” I kiss him again, losing myself in his lips and embrace. I can’t believe how comfortable I am in his arms. My heartbeat relaxes to a steady pace. After months of torture, I’m in the right place.

  I’ll stay here forever.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  I’m as light as air when I arrive home. I float into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. Mom and Dad sit at the table, discussing Mom’s speech at the gardening expo. They ask me questions about my day, but I’m not at all aware of how I’m answering. All I know is that I am incandescently happy.

  Sleep is out of the question, so I wander out back into Mom’s garden. A stone path, cold against my bare feet, winds through tall grasses. Small solar lights occasionally accentuate the pathways and the brilliant plant life. Everything’s vivid green, an intensity I never noticed before. A grove of evergreens forges a secret garden into a natural courtyard. In the moonlight, the shadows dance between the branches and trees, as though embracing the night in the same tender perfection that I feel in Justin’s arms.

  I sit down, opening my palm to the sky and watching the moonlight bounce off my smooth scars. The swing creaks as I tap it into motion. How has Mom transformed an acre of suburban grass into an oasis of life?

  I’ve missed so much.

  “Lucy?” Mom’s voice echoes down the path.

  “Over here,” I say without thinking. Only a few months ago, I would have gone to great lengths to hide from her. But as I sit here in her beautiful garden, it seems important that she be at my side. She rounds the corner and smiles at me. “It’s beautiful, Mom,” I say.

  Her smile broadens as she holds out her hand to touch a fern’s edge. “It’s a work in progress.” She joins me on the swing cautiously. I smile, letting her know I’m not going to bolt.

  “So,” Mom says gently. “How does it feel Lucy?”

  “The garden feels amazing, Mom. Like I say, beautiful.”

  Mom laughs. “No, how does it feel?” she says this time with more emphasis. She takes my hand and squeezes it. “Being in love. Or, more importantly, to be loved in return?”

  “How did you know?”

  “The way Justin hung around here all summer, the way he looks at you, how he made you so frustrated.” She winks. “It was obvious.”

  “Really?”

  “Oh yes, he’s loved you for a while.” She nods up toward the house. “Your Dad and I have been wondering how long it would take.”

  “For?”

  “For you to love him back.”

  I push the swing back and it lets out a loud creak. “Not that long once I figured out …” I search for words.

  “Who you are?” Mom offers.

  I sigh. She’s right. The moment I figured out how to be myself I realized just how much Justin meant to me. She drops my hand and wraps her arm around me, pulling me close.

  I don’t deserve this from her.

  “Mom,” I begin. “I’m sorry.” I point at the gate to the secret garden. “I’ve been absolutely horrible to you. I didn’t even know this part existed. How have you put up with me?”

  “I’ve always loved you. Lucy,” she grasps my hand, “you are effortless for me to love. You always have been and you always will be.” She nods toward the garden. “This garden is all about my growing love for you. Every plant, every speck of dirt, every stone and light, it all leads to the source of my love for you.”

  She stands up and tugs on my hand to follow past the small wooden gate into the little courtyard garden where a red, wooden box nestles among ferns. She opens the box and takes out a palm-sized stone, handing it to me.

  “I love you” is written across the stone in orange painted scribbles. I gasp as the memory of sitting with Dad on the front porch surfaces. I’d had the idea to paint rocks for Mom. This was the first rock I’d made for her, hoping she’d make me an “I love Lucy” in return. I’d wanted proof; I wanted her to love me back so badly. I peer back into the box. It’s filled with the rest of the rocks I made that day. There are rocks with drawings of the sun, flowers, hearts, random words, or simply stripes.

  She kept them all.

  I bite my lip. I really, really don’t deserve this.

  Mom reaches over and hugs me. “I didn’t want to show you. You’d have hated me for it.”

  I shake my head as a tear slides down my cheek. “How can I hate you for this?”

  “You must know Lucy that you were the reason I got better. Not this garden.” I shake my head and she gives me a squeeze. “Honey, you were my reason to keep living through the darkness. My favorite part of every day was seeing your face. I lived for your smiley, goofy grin and when you used to bring me breakfast on the couch.” She pauses, wiping away her tears. “The only thing I could actually feel was when you put your hand on my arm or kissed me goodnight. You were my reason to try, every day. I tried for you.”

  “So, it wasn’t my fault?”

  “You were the cure, not the cause. That fault was out of everyone’s control. My father’s death triggered the depression, just two weeks before you were born. Not you.” She wraps her arms around me and we sway. “I’m so sorry, Lucinda. I thought you knew.”

  I pull away from her and look into her blue eyes. “I do now. Thank you.” I hug her tightly. “I love you so much, Mom. Always have. I hope you know that too.”

  She nods and taps the wooden box of rocks. “I know. I’ve always known. I’ve been lucky enough to have reminders.” She takes off her engagement ring and holds it out to me. It’s a pearl on a band with small embedded diamonds. “Let this be your reminder, Lucy.”

  “No way. Dad will kill me.”

  “He’d love it. Trust me. Plus, he’s wanted to buy me a real rock for some time now. This will just give him an excuse.” She places the ring in my palm and closes my hand around it. “Take it. I want—no—I need you to have it.”

  I nod and slide the ring onto my right ring finger. Its warmth hugs my finger tight.

  “Thank you.”

  “Just promise me one thing?” She pulls me into one last hug. “Remember you are effortless to love.”

  She gives me a long squeeze before walking back up the pathway, somehow understanding I need time alone. I sit at the little table in her secret garden and thumb through the box of rocks. A purple asymmetrical face smiles back at me. My entire life circles back to these rocks. Once again, I’
m a little girl who loves her mother. Except, this time, there is a huge difference. This time I know she loves me back.

  A light smile parts my lips and a light laugh follows. How did I get here? A disastrous summer turns into the most enlightened time of my life.

  I found my family again.

  I found Justin.

  And, more importantly, I found me.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  It’s impossible to begin this section of my novel without pausing to say, whoa, I’ve got so many people to thank!

  Always first, readers, thank you for diving into my head and making it to my Acknowledgments page. I hope you love Lucy and Justin as much as I do.

  To Greg, my husband, who’s done so many dishes and taken our daughters out on many “Daddy and me” dates all to help make my dream come true. He’s dried my tears, stood between me and the delete button, and has supported every word I’ve typed. He’s welcomed Lucy and Justin into our family, despite how crazy I sound when I’m talking about them. And, of course, he provides endless inspiration for and proof of love. Thank you, Greg, for being my everything.

  Thank you to my daughters, for inspiring me to be myself and putting up with protein bars for breakfast, probably a bit too often.

  Thank you to my family, Mom, Dad, Anabel and David, for always believing in me, putting up with stupid stories about bugs and flamingos, and keeping me grounded.

  Thank you to my friends, for listening to my crazy journey of publication, dragging me away from my laptop when you knew I needed a break, “liking” my pages, and putting up with my links. Your encouragement has kept me going, truly.

  A huge thank you to my super-agent, Jamie Bodnar Drowley, for dealing with my crazy emails where I forget question marks, being the easiest person to talk to on the phone, and always giving me great advice. I couldn’t have done this without you. So much love for my agent!

  Thank you to my critique partners, Fiona McLaren and Kelley Harvey, for loving Lucy and Justin and giving priceless feedback and time that gave my novel life. Also, a huge shout out to The Off Beats, Katrina Sincek, Catherine Scully, Abby Cavenaugh, Amy Cavenaugh, Kelley Harvey, and Fiona McLaren, who have provided endless support, chats, and laughs on this road to publication. And, Nikki Urang, thank you for our happy hours, logistical conversations, and correlating freak outs. There is no other author I’d want to walk through this oddly parallel journey with.