Critical Failures IV

by Robert Bevan

  “NO!” cried Tim. “We could have been total badasses! Is there nothing left?”

  Julian frowned at the burnt pile. “Not here.” When he turned around to look at the rest of the interior, however, he was bombarded with strong magical auras. “Hang on!”

  “What is it?” asked Tim.

  “The walls over there,” Julian said, pointing at the far end of the room, which hadn’t been damaged by fire. “There’s magic all over them! Red and green and purple and orange. It looks like a Motel 6 for clowns.”

  Tim jumped off of the carpet and splashed through the puddles toward the far wall.

  “FUCK!” he cried, collapsing on the floor just three feet short of the wall. “Goddammit!”

  The others approached cautiously. Julian guided the carpet toward Tim just above the floor.

  “Stay back!” warned Tony the Elf. “It’s obviously some kind of magical trap.”

  Julian shook his head. “The magic on the floor is too weak.It’s only strong on the walls.”

  “It’s no fucking magical trap,” said Tim, showing them the bottom of his bleeding foot. “It’s broken glass. It’s all over the place.”

  “What a jerk,” said Stacy.

  “Give him a break,” said Cooper. “He’s fucking bleeding.”

  “Not Tim. Mordred.”

  Tim hopped on his good foot back to the carpet. “Thank you though, Cooper, for jumping to that conclusion.”

  “You got it, buddy.”

  Julian continued to stare at the multi-auraed wall. “What was that about Mordred?”

  “Potions don’t burn,” said Stacy. “So he must have thrown them against the wall.”

  “What a fucking asshole,” said Cooper. He’d gone back to dig through the pile of burnt garbage. He kicked aside scorched, twisted blades and misshapen plates of what used to be armor. “It looks like he took a hammer to some of this armor.”

  Chaz sighed. “Just in case the fire didn’t burn hot enough to ruin it.”

  Cooper hurled a dented helmet at the wall. “I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who I’ve wanted to punch repeatedly in the dick as much as I want to – Hey, what the fuck is this?”

  Julian looked over. Whatever Cooper was holding wasn’t magical, so he ended his Detect Magic spell. It was a metallic tube, about a foot long, and about as wide around as the Masterwork dildo. With all of the vaguely cylindrical objects at his mind’s disposal, he wasn’t pleased that Masterwork dildo was the first association it made.

  Cooper poured some water from the pitcher to clear away the soot. The tube looked familiar, and appeared to have suffered no damage from the fire.

  “That’s mine,” said Stacy abruptly.

  “Says who?” asked Katherine.

  Stacy frowned. “I don’t know. I just have a very strong suspicion that it belongs to me.”

  “Fuck your suspicions,” said Katherine. “You can’t just call dibs. Cooper found it first.”

  “Give it a rest, Katherine,” said Tim. “It’s hers.”

  Everyone stared awkwardly at Tim, even Stacy. It was common knowledge that he had a thing for her, but this seemed like a very odd moment for him side with her against his own sister and possibly even Cooper.

  “What the fuck are you all gawking at?” said Tim. “It’s her character sheet. It would have been with the rest of her belongings when the Horsemen captured her.”

  Everyone let out a collective sigh of relief.

  “Oh.”

  “Right.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Of course.”

  “My what?” asked Stacy, looking from Tim to Julian.

  “Here,” said Cooper. “Check it out.” He lobbed the tube at her while she was still looking the other way, but she snatched it out of the air just before it would have hit the back of her head.

  Stacy unscrewed the top of the tube and pulled out the single sheet of paper inside. Unrolling it, she frowned at what she saw. “It’s me, all right. But my scores kinda suck.”

  Tim shrugged. “Ability scores aren’t everything. What’s your highest?”

  “Eighteen.”

  Dave and Cooper laughed. Even Tony the Elf cracked a smile.

  “You’re moaning about your scores when you’ve got an 18?” said Tim. “That’s the highest you can get!”

  Stacy continued frowning at her sheet. “That seems highly unlikely.”

  “It’s simple math,” said Tim. “You roll your stats with four six-sided dice, and drop the lowest roll. Between the three dice that are left, the highest possible total is eighteen.”

  “What’s your 18 in?” asked Cooper. “I’m thinking Strength.”

  “Uh-uh,” said Tony the Elf. “She’s dressed like a rogue, and did you see how she caught that tube you threw at her?It’sDex.”

  “My money’s on Charisma,” said Tim.

  Julian noticed that Stacy was still frowning, staring intensely at her character sheet. “Stacy? So which is it?”

  Stacy finally looked up from the paper. “All of them.”

  Chapter 6

  “Bullshit,” said Tim. He hopped down from the carpet and limped to Stacy. “Let me see that.” He jumped and snatched the paper out of her hand.

  “Isn’t that kind of personal information?” asked Julian. “Should we really look at each other’s –”

  “Jesus Christ,” said Tim. A quick scan was all he’d needed to confirm Stacy’s stats. Just as she said, all of her ability scores were marked 18. “That’s impossible.”

  “It’s not impossible,” said Julian.

  Tim rolled his eyes. “Yes. Thank you, Commander Data. I know it’s not technically impossible. Would you feel better if I said highly improbable? I mean, seriously, do you have any idea of the fucking odds?”

  Stacy looked at the ceiling and tapped her fingers randomly against her thumb. “About one million, four hundred twenty thousand to one.”

  “Holy fucking shit!” Tim dropped Stacy’s character sheet like it was made out of spiders.

  Stacy deftly snatched the paper out of the air with a cartwheel and a somersault, rather than just leaning over, which would have done the job just fine.

  Dave, Julian, and Tony the Elf gave her a polite round of applause.

  Cooper pushed Dave, who had just gotten his breastplate back on, onto the floor from behind.

  “Ow!” cried Dave, his beard soaked with sooty water. He started to get back up, but Cooper held him down. “What the hell are you doing?”

  “They burned all the furniture,” said Cooper, putting his elbow on Dave’s back. “Stacy, come here. I wanna arm wrestle you.”

  Dave spit out some dirty water. “If you think I’m going to let –”

  “Dave, shut up!” said Tim. “I want to see this.”

  Dave sighed. “Fine. Can I at least lie on my back so I can watch?”

  Cooper accepted. He and Stacy knelt on the floor, positioned their elbows on Dave’s breastplate, and gripped each other’s hands.

  “You’re quite certain this is the best use of our time?” asked Tony the Elf.

  Stacy and Cooper locked arms and eyes. Her petite human hand was buried inside Cooper’s enormous half-orc fist.

  “On three,” said Tim. “One.Two.THREE!”

  For a moment, Tim wasn’t sure they’d started. Their hands barely moved at all. Then Dave started groaning. It was most likely due to the extreme amount of pressure bearing down on his armor from the force of both Cooper and Stacy’s elbows, but it might have been due to Dave coming to the realization that, no matter how this contest ended, it was going to involve him getting punched in either the face or the dick.

  The tendons in Cooper’s neck stretched as his face trembled.

  “Come on, Stacy!” said Julian. “You’ve got him!”

  Tim circled around Dave to see how Stacy was faring. Her face showed more disgust than struggle. It must have been rough trying to breathe that close to Cooper’s mouth.


  Stacy let out a slow grunt, and their hands began to tilt in her favor.

  “I swear to God, Cooper,” said Katherine. “If you let her win, you will never live this down.”

  “Nnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggg,” said Dave.

  Tim didn’t care who won. If Stacy beat Cooper, it would make an awesome spectacle. If she lost, well… She could stand to be taken down a peg. But from the looks of it, Cooper had given up too much ground, and Stacy was starting to lean into him.

  Cooper’s nostril’s flared. “I’m… really… angry.” His body grew fifty percent bigger, his forearm even further dwarfing Stacy’s. His added Strength sent their hands slowly moving in the opposite direction, but Stacy was still doing an impressive job of holding her own.

  As Cooper was energized by the sudden surge of adrenaline provided by his Barbarian Rage, Stacy’s face betrayed her exhaustion. “What… the… fuck… is…” She exhaled, and both their hands smashed into Dave’s crotch.

  Cooper stood up and let out a victory roar. As he raised his arms, his temporary muscle deflated back into fat, and his roar changed in pitch from grizzly bear to redneck.

  Stacy also stood up. She had on her serious face. Tim hadn’t seen that look since she’d slapped him over the head with a Slim Jim.

  “My balls,” groaned Dave.

  “What was that?” Stacy demanded.

  “Barbarian Rage,” said Julian. “He gets to use it once per day.”

  “That sounds like cheating to me.”

  “Hmph,” said Tim. “What do you call having all your ability scores maxed out at 18?”

  Stacy put her hands on her hips and looked at Cooper. “Best two out of three.”

  “Oh, hell no!” said Dave, starting to sit up.

  “Lie the fuck down, Dave,” said Stacy, without taking her eyes off Cooper.

  Dave lay flat on his back.

  Stacy continued to stare at Cooper, waiting for his response to her challenge.

  “Fine,” said Cooper. “Let’s get this over with.”

  They sat back down on either side of Dave, placed their elbows inside the dents on his breastplate they’d made during their previous match, and joined hands.

  Cooper grinned at Stacy. “You ready to lose again?”

  “Don’t get too cocky,” said Julian. “She was about to kick your ass before you Raged.”

  Stacy narrowed her eyes at Cooper in steely determination. “Count!”

  “All right,” said Tim. “One.Two.THREE!”

  “I’m really angry!” Cooper quickly shouted.

  “What?” cried Stacy.

  A second later, Dave took another blow to the junk.

  When Cooper stood up again, it didn’t look very celebratory. He was stumbling and sweating like he’d just gone fifteen rounds with Apollo Creed.

  “What the fuck?” whispered Tim.

  “Oh my God!” said Julian. “Do you know what this means?”

  Stacy stood up and glared at Julian. “It means you’re a lying asshole?”

  Julian grimaced. “I can see how, from your point of view, there could be two possible interpretations. But no, that’s not the correct one.”

  “Spit it out, Julian,” said Tim. “What’s your interpretation?”

  Julian looked around at a room full of anticipating faces. “I can’t believe I’m the only one who knows. Have you forgotten where we are? What we are?”

  “Come on, Julian,” said Dave. “Just say what you’ve got to say before Cooper punches me in the nuts again.”

  “Cooper leveled up.”

  Tim thought for a moment.Could that be true?“From beating Stacy in arm wrestling? You think he got experience points for that?”

  “I don’t know when it happened,” said Julian. “But it’s the only thing that makes sense. When’s the last time any of us looked at our character sheets?”

  “Not since before we teleported to Earth. Do any of you have yours on you?”

  Julian shook his head. “I’ve been keeping mine in Frank’s safe box at the Whore’s Head.”

  “Me too.” Tim turned around. “Dave?”

  Dave propped himself up on his elbows. “Safe box.”

  “Cooper?” It was worth a shot.

  Cooper was swaying, his eyes pointed in different directions. He tried to speak, but whatever he was going to say was replaced by a thick stream of yellow vomit. It gushed out of his mouth and spilled all over Dave’s head. Stacy jumped backwards in time to avoid being splashed.

  “Ugh,” said Tony the Elf. He turned his head away quickly, looking like he was making an effort not to give up his own guts.

  Dave wiped his face with both hands, scooping away globs of what looked like week-old pancake batter.

  “Oh shit,” said Cooper. “Sorry about that, dude. Back to back Barbarian Rages, bad idea.”

  Dave spit out some chunks. “You don’t say.”

  “It’s cool. I feel much better now.”

  “I don’t give a fuck how you feel!” cried Dave. “Look at me!”

  “Don’t be such a pussy,” said Cooper. “It’ll wash off.”

  “And what do you propose… Ugh, my eyes are glued shut!”

  If Dave’s eyes hadn’t been glued shut with half-orc puke, he would have seen exactly what Cooper proposed.Cooper pointed the Decanter of Endless Water at Dave’s face.

  “Cooper!” cried Tim. “Wait! There’s more than one set—”

  “Geyser!”

  The blast of water knocked Dave flat on his back again as a circle of yellow radiated away from him. Tim had to give Cooper some credit. If Dave still had a face when this was over, it would no doubt be a clean one.

  Stacy leapt onto the flying carpet to avoid the widening circumference of vomit spreading across the floor.

  Dave waved his arms and kicked his legs like an upside-down turtle.

  “Igotta bring back one of these for my dad!” Cooper shouted over the rush of water. “His power washer sucks!”

  “That’s enough!” Tim shouted back. He swiped his fingers across his throat. “Turn it off!”

  Cooper deactivated the decanter, and the torrent slowed to a trickle.

  Dave’s face was as red as his beard, but it was still there.

  “You okay, Dave?” asked Julian.

  Dave opened his eyes. “Been worse.Been better.”

  The vomit situation had been resolved. Back to more important matters. Tim drew his dagger and stabbed at the air. Nothing noteworthy in that. He tried a couple of karate kicks. Nothing special there. He tried Moving Silently, but couldn’t tell if he was any more silent than before.

  “I don’t feel any different,” he said. “How are we supposed to know if we leveled up or not? Dave, did you get any new spells?”

  Dave sat up. His face looked like that of a drowned cat, but a clean one. “My praying time is at dawn. I slept through it.”

  “How about you, Julian. Did you prepare your spells today?”

  “We were… There was a lot of excitement this afternoon…” He lowered his head. “I forgot.”

  “You only need to concentrate for twenty minutes, right? Go outside and meditate while we figure out our next move.”

  Julian nodded. “Okay.” Stacy remained on the carpet as he guided it up through the hole in the ceiling.

  “Next move?”Tony the Elf laughed with disdain. “You are, without a doubt, the worst C&C party to ever disgrace this game. Every move you make is a complete and utter disaster.”

  Tim glared at Tony the Elf. “Didn’t you say something about wasting time earlier? Why don’t you look for clues or something?”

  “There’s nothing here,” said Tony the Elf. His tone had changed from disdain to despair as he looked around the scorched, soaked shell of a house. “We should get back to the Whore’s Head and report this.”

  As much as Tim would have liked to disagree with Tony the Elf, he had to admit that he couldn’t think of much else they could do here. Mordre
d’s trail had gone cold, and they really needed to check their character sheets anyway.

  “Tony the Elf is right,” said Tim. “Let’s pack it up. We’ll regroup, have a drink, and decide what –”

  “Ravenus!” Julian shouted from outside. His voice was filtered through the wall, but Tim thought it sounded more like panic than happy welcome.

  Tim looked up through the hole in the ceiling. He couldn’t see Julian, Stacy, or Katherine. “Katherine!”

  Katherine peaked her head over the edge of the hole. “Yeah?”

  “What’s wrong with Julian?”

  “I don’t know. He just shouted Ravenus, and then he and Stacy just fucked off toward the road on the flying carpet.”

  “Did you see Ravenus?”

  “The bird?”

  “Yes, the fucking bird!”

  “No.”

  “Damn it,” said Tim. “Ravenus got himself into some kind of trouble.”

  “How would Julian know that?”

  “He and Ravenus have an Empathic Link. They can sense each other’s feelings.”

  “I never had that with Butterbean,” said Katherine. “I mean, even before I turned into a vampire and he started hating me altogether.”

  “Butterbean is an Animal Companion. Ravenus is a Familiar. The bond is stronger or something. Look, I don’t have time to recite the whole goddamn rulebook. We need to go after them.”

  “It’s pointless,” said Dave. “We’ll never catch them on foot, and Julian was our only source of horses.”

  “I can catch them,” said Katherine.“I fly faster than that carpet.”

  Tim shook his head. “No way. You can’t go out there alone. This isn’t Gulfport. This place is crawling with all kinds of dangerous monsters.”

  “I know,” said Katherine. “I’m one of those dangerous monsters. I’m the biggest badass on the block. And I don’t recall asking your permission.”

  Shit. Tim had all but dared her to go off after them. There was no way she was going to back down now. She’d go just to spite him. He looked up at her. “At least take the Bag of Holding.”

  “I told you, I’m not –”

  “Damn it, Kat! Just listen to me. You don’t have to use it if you don’t need it. I’d just feel better knowing you have it.” A little bit of practicality might seal the deal. “And what if they’ve found Mordred? Remember we need him alive.”