Critical Failures IV

by Robert Bevan

  She was only about halfway to the road, but that was going to have to be close enough. The bag would be easily visible to anyone passing by. She pulled it over her head and let it consume her.

  Chapter 18

  Dave and Chaz snored away as if they were having the best sleep of their lives while Julian, still barely clinging to life, wheezed softly like a one-stringed violin. Stacy sat helplessly next to him, her refusal to give into exhaustion the only token of support she could offer.

  Branches shook on the tree above her. Tony the Elf was coming back down. He, too, had spent the night awake. Stacy told him it wasn’t necessary, but he said elves didn’t sleep. That did little to comfort her about Julian’s likelihood of pulling through. Perhaps having regretted his choice of timing with regard to letting her in on that morsel of elven physiology, he shortly thereafter decided that he’d be able to keep watch over a larger area from a higher vantage point.

  “It’s time,” said Tony the Elf when he was far enough down to whisper it.

  Stacy looked up through the forest canopy. The sky still looked pretty damn dark to her. “Are you sure?”

  “The light is faint on the eastern horizon, but the treetops are now visible against the sky. Dawn is upon us.”

  That was good enough for Stacy. She walked over to Dave and nudged him in the belly with her foot. “Dave! Wake up!”

  Dave groaned. “Just five more minutes.”

  “No!” said Stacy, nudging him harder. “It’s time for school. Get your ass up now!”

  “Please, Jessica,” Dave pleaded.

  He calls his mom Jessica?

  “I got... excited,” said Dave.“I didn’t know you... touch it...”

  What the fuck?Stacy looked up at Tony the Elf. He shrugged.

  “Five minutes... have it up again...”

  Ew.

  “Don’t go... At least... wash your hands?”

  That was all Stacy could stand. She wrapped her hand around as much of Dave’s beard as she could grip and gave it a good hard yank.

  “OW!” Dave cried, his eyes wide open. “What the hell was that for?”

  “It’s dawn,” said Stacy. “You need to heal Julian.”

  Dave yawned and rubbed his chin. “Okay. I’ll go pray.” He was obviously not yet completely awake, still in some kind of half-dream state.

  “Hello in there?” Stacy grabbed Dave by the shoulders and shouted into his face. “Earth to Dave! Do you copy?”

  Dave nodded, his brow furrowed in fear and confusion.

  Stacy held his gaze in hers and spoke as clearly as she could. “Your friend, Julian, has been severely burned.”

  Dave nodded again. He was responsive. That was good. She was getting through to him.

  “He doesn’t need your prayers, your thoughts, or for you to share a Facebook post. He needs his fucking epidermis. Can you treat him?”

  Stacy felt a hand on her shoulder.

  “Sta–”

  Her elbow flew high and back, connecting hard with something crunchy. She spun around to face her would-be assailant. Tony the Elf held his hands over his bleeding nose.

  “Oh shit!” said Stacy. “I’m sorry!I’m just a little on edge because I haven’t slept, and I thought you were still in the tree, and –”

  “Don’t worry about it,” said Tony the Elf. “It was my fault. I shouldn’t have sneaked up on you.”He nodded at Dave. “Go do your thing.”

  “But...” Stacy started to object as Dave scooted away. Then she thought better of it. She could at least give Tony the Elf a chance to explain himself since she’d just elbowed him in the face. Still, Julian was going to die if none of them did anything. “I don’t want to dump on you guys’ religion or anything, but Julian is covered in third degree burns, and prayer just isn’t going to grow his skin back. He needs real medical attention, and he needs it now.”

  “Dave’s going to give him much better than that,” said Tony the Elf. “He’s going to heal him with magic.”

  “That’s what I want him to do!” said Stacy. “But he said he was going to go pray. Julian never has to pray before he does magic.”

  “Dave is a cleric, a divine spellcaster.”

  “Well, I’m glad you hold his work in such high regard, but I’ll wait to form my own opinion.”

  Tony the Elf smiled and shook his head like he wanted another elbow in the face. “No. I mean divine as opposed to arcane. Wizards and sorcerers use arcane magic. It’s either something you learn through study and training, or it’s just something you innately know how to do. Divine magic, on the other hand, comes directly from the gods. That’s why Dave needs to pray.”

  Stacy looked over at Julian and frowned. “How long’s it going to take?”

  “About an hour.”

  “An hour?” cried Stacy. “Is he delivering his prayers by carrier pigeon? Julian’s lucky to have survived this long. He might not have another hour.”

  “You need to relax,” said Tony the Elf. “Julian’s fine.”

  Stacy couldn’t believe the audacity of the bullshit coming out of his mouth. “Don’t you tell me to relax. And don’t try to placate me by telling me everything’s going to be fine.”

  “I didn’t say everything’s going to be fine,” said Tony the Elf. “I said Julian’s fine right now.”

  “Have you studied medicine? Because I have, and I’m telling you, he is touch and go, Mr. the Elf. Touch. And. Go.”

  Tony the Elf smiled, his teeth outlined in blood. “You’re not thinking about this in game terms. Let me explain it to you. When the Fireball hit him, it reduced his Hit Points to somewhere between -1 and -9. He’s breathing, so we know he hasn’t reached -10, because that would mean he’s dead. But he’s also not awake, so we know he’s not up to 0. When you treated his wounds, you stabilized him. He’s hovering somewhere in the negatives, but he won’t actually die as long as he doesn’t get attacked by anything. Even without magic, he’d gradually recover Hit Points over time, and even wake up eventually.”

  Stacy had to admit, that explanation did make her feel a hell of a lot more hopeful. A second wave of exhaustion began to sweep over her.

  “You should try to squeeze in a nap,” said Tony the Elf. “Dave’s going to be a while, and you need the rest.”

  That sounded just fine to Stacy. She sat against Tony the Elf’s scouting tree, closed her eyes, and quickly fell asleep.

  *

  “Stacy,” a soft voice called out from the peaceful oblivion. “Stacy.” Gentle fingers brushed against her cheek. Someone was... touching her?

  Stacy snapped wide awake and head-butted her attacker in the face.

  Julian fell on his ass and cupped his hands over his nose. “Shit!” His skin was clear and healthy. Even his clothes, while still discolored, were whole again.

  “Julian!” Stacy cried. “You’re all healed!”

  “I was.” His voice sounded like Donald Duck’s.

  Stacy held back a laugh. “Sorry about that. You really shouldn’t touch a sleeping person.”

  “What?” said Dave. “You almost pulled my beard off waking me up!”

  Maybe it was just a symptom of her gratitude, but this was the first time Stacy thought of Dave as cute, in a flustered, cranky dwarf sort of way. “You did a good job, Dave. Thank you.”

  Dave lowered his head. “It’s what I do.”

  “It’s interesting that his clothes got healed as well,”said Stacy. “Does the game consider a person’s clothes as part of the person?”

  Dave perked up. “That’s a good theory. It’s wise of you to recognize that the game often interprets certain things in an unconventional manner.”

  Stacy shrugged and smiled. “What can I say? I’m wise.”

  “But wrong in this case,” said Dave. “I filled up my zero level spell slots with Mending spells so that Julian wouldn’t have to walk around naked.”

  “I appreciate that,” said Julian.

  “We all do,” said Tony the
Elf from about ten feet above Stacy’s head.

  Stacy looked up to find Tony the Elf squatting on a branch. “You don’t speak for all of us.” She flashed a grin and a wink at Julian, whose eyes were wide and furtive, like his parents were about to catch them making out in his bedroom.

  “Um... okay,” said Dave, clapping his hands. “So what do we do from here?”

  “We’ve got to keep going,” said Julian, as if he were shocked that there was even any question.

  Stacy stood up and put a comforting hand on Julian’s shoulder. “Julian, you almost got killed.”

  Julian shrugged off her hand. “He can’t take all of us. Not at the same time.”

  “Some of us aren’t willing to risk our lives to rescue a bird,” said Tony the Elf. “We need to regroup, have a look at our character sheets, and rationally consider our options.”

  “How’s this for rational?” asked Julian. “That Mordred, the one that just blasted me with a Fireball? That’s the least powerful Mordred we’re ever going to see. With the weapons he’s got, he’s going to level up faster than anyone you’ve ever seen. He’s only been here a day, and he’s already got a wagonload of followers.”

  “The other people in the wagon didn’t attack us,” said Stacy. “He could have been hitchhiking.”

  Julian let out an exasperated sigh. “The driver didn’t even slow down. If you picked up a hitchhiker, and he pulled out a gun and started shooting at other cars, wouldn’t you have at least some kind of reaction? Those were mercenaries.”

  “Are you even sure it was Mordred?” asked Tony the Elf.

  “What kind of question is that?” cried Julian.

  “Did you see his face? Did he look like Mordred?”

  “Of course not! We all look different. That’s part of the game. Look at my giant fucking ears. Look at your own!”

  Tony the Elf folded his arms. “So what makes you think it was Mordred?”

  Julian gawked at Tony the Elflike he wanted to pull him out of that tree and shake him until all of his stupid questions fell out. “He abducted my familiar and tried to kill me. Who else would do that?”

  “It could have been anyone,” said Tony the Elf. “A wizard who wanted a talking bird to keep his own talking bird familiar company? Maybe some opportunistic thief who knows how to move talking birds on the black market? In either of those two cases, they likely would have fired at you if they thought you were going to try and take away their prize. I know how strongly you feel about Ravenus, but we’ve got to do what’s best for –”

  “I’m telling you, man! It was Mordred!”

  “Did he betray his identity some other way? Did he shout ‘Burn in hell, Julian’ or something when he fired at you?”

  “No,” Julian admitted. “He didn’t say anything. He just smiled.” He looked Tony the Elf in the eye. “But it was a knowing smile. He knew me, and he wanted me to know that he was going to enjoy killing me.”

  “I got that same vibe,” said Stacy. “I’m pretty sure it was Mordred.”

  Julian glared at Tony the Elf. “You see? She has higher Intelligence and Wisdom scores than any of us. Are you satisfied now?”

  “I believe you,” said Tony the Elf. “But I still think we should be smart about this. One of us should still go back and let the others know where we’ve gone.”

  Julian shook his head and laughed. “If all you wanted was to bail on us, you can be my guest. We don’t need you.”

  “Yes, you do,” said Tony the Elf. “I’m the only tracker you’ve got, and I’ve got more Hit Points than any of you.”

  “Who then?” Julian’s voice was calm but cautious, as if he was contented by the conversation finally moving forward and willing to consider whatever Tony the Elf had to say, but fearful that he might be the one chosen to stay behind.

  Tony the Elf thought for a moment. “When we find Mordred, we may need to act quickly, and Dave is extremely slow.”

  Dave straightened in indignation. “I’m the –”

  “I know. Your healing spells are invaluable.”

  Julian glanced nervously at Stacy. “So...”

  “Stacy is a total badass,” said Tony the Elf. “And under the right circumstances, her stealth may prove useful in avoiding a direct confrontation.”

  Julian swallowed hard. “I have to go. It’s Ravenus.”

  Tony the Elf scoffed. “Of course you have to go. You don’t get to run away while the rest of us go to save your bird.”

  “But if –”

  “You said it yourself,” Tony the Elf continued. “Mordred is dangerous, and he’s only going to get more so the longer we wait. We need to go after him with everything we’ve got. You’re not the most powerful sorcerer in the world, but you’re all we’ve got for offensive magic. And you tend to think outside the box.”

  “But who else –”

  “If anyone’s going to stay behind, it’ll need to be someone who is almost completely useless for anything but delivering a simple message.”

  “Who are you talking about?” Julian was close to shouting.

  A yawn sounded from behind Tony the Elf, who stepped to one side.

  “Hey guys,” said Chaz. “What’s up? What are you all talking about?”

  Julian leaned toward Stacy and whispered, “I always forget he’s here.”

  Stacy nodded.

  Tony the Elf put his hands on Chaz’s shoulders and looked him in the eye. “Chaz, I have a very important mission for you.”

  Chapter 19

  “What if he ain’t really sleeping?” asked Denise, staring at the red-robed halfling on the ground. “What if this is all some sort of mind game he’s playing at?”

  Randy squatted next to her. “How do you figure?”

  “Maybe he’s just waiting for us to let down our guard so he can make a break for it.”

  “So what if he is,” said Randy. “It ain’t that long a walk back to the city, and I’ll be carrying him the whole way. He won’t have any opportunities to run.”

  “And it didn’t occur to you that maybe that’sjust what he wants?”

  Randy was confused. “A lift into town?”

  “Goddammit, Randy!” Denise poked Randy in the head with her pudgy finger. “You need to tell them two brain cells in your head that they need to get to fuckin’. You got an underpopulation problem going on in there.”

  Randy swiped away Denise’s arm and stood up. “Did you have a point you was trying to make?”

  “Supposin’ we walk him in through the gate, and he starts a-hootin’ an’ hollerin’ about how we done kidnapped him? What are you gonna tell them guards?”

  “I’ll tell them the truth.”

  “What? That we’s from another universe, and we need this little hobbit to send us back home? Randy, you wouldn’t believe some of the shit I’ve heard folks say just to get out of a speeding ticket, but none of it even compares to that steaming pile of horseshit.”

  “That steaming pile of horseshit just happens to be the truth.”

  “The truth don’t matter if nobody believes it. It’ll be his word against ours, and our word means jack shit. Trust me, Randy. You don’t want to go to prison here. I guarantee you those cells are full of scarier things than even the biggest, baddest nigger you ever –”

  Even a paladin has his limits. Randy felt no remorse for punching Denise in the face.

  “What the fuck was that for?”

  Randy gave Denise a stern look. “That was a warning.”

  “A warning? You ‘bout broke my goddamn nose!”

  “I don’t like that word.”

  “I don’t give a good goddamn what you like, you big fucking –”

  This time, all it took was a look that carried with it the promise of a second punch to the face. Randy felt something he’d never felt in his whole life. Power. It felt amazing to see Dennis shut his mouth so abruptly. He suddenly understood how this feeling might corrupt someone. Use it sparingly. Maintain humility.
<
br />   “Denise,” Randy said gently. “Did you have a suggestion about how to proceed with Wister?”

  Denise nodded.

  “I’m listening.”

  Denise inhaled deeply before speaking. “The way I see it, we got two choices. We can either beat the truth out of him here in the forest, or –”

  “I already told you we ain’t –”

  “OR,” said Denise, raising her hands up. “We make sure he’s genuinely unconscious.”

  “And how do you propose we do that?”

  “Simple. We try to wake him up.” Denise sucked sloppily on one of her thick, grimy fingers, then pulled it out of her mouth. It was dripping with saliva. “Ain’t nobody can fake sleep their way through a wet willy.”

  It was a disgusting proposition, to be sure, but ultimately not a harmful one. Randy nodded his consent.

  Denise plunged her finger into the halfling’s ear and gave it a few good twists, provoking not even the slightest twitch of a reaction. Denise twisted more forcefully, like she was trying to bore into Wister’s brain.

  “That’s enough,” said Randy.

  Denise pulled her finger out. It was covered in a thick layer of orange gunk up to the first knuckle. She grimaced and hurriedly wiped it off on a tree trunk. “He’s out cold, all right. No doubt about it.”

  Randy shook his head. “I could have told you that.”

  “But don’t you feel better, knowing for sure?”

  “I’ll feel better when we get him past the city gate and into the Whore’s Head. How do you reckon we’re gonna do that?”

  “We could tie each of his legs to one of our own, like we’s doing a three-legged race. We make like he’s drunk and needs us to walk him home.”

  “I’m twice the size of either one of you,” said Randy. “Do you know how ridiculous that would look? I won’t barely be able to take a proper step without tearing him apart at the crotch.”

  “I’m just thinking out loud.”

  Randy snapped his fingers. “I got it! He can sit on your shoulders, and we’ll let his robes hang down over your face, so it looks like you’re both just one normal-sized guy.”