Critical Failures IV

by Robert Bevan

  “Whassup, muthafuckas!” said Stacy, waltzing through the gap in the back wall of the inn with a body slung over her shoulder.

  There were some other people behind her, but Tim ducked behind the bar before he could make out who they were. He couldn’t let Stacy see him like this.

  “Stacy!” cried Randy. “I’m so glad y’all are all right.”

  “Did you see the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man?” asked Stacy excitedly. “What the hell happened here?”

  “Actually,” said Denise. “That was the Pillsburg Doughchild.”

  “Actually,” said Randy. “That was Jesus. Sort of.”

  What the fuck were they talking about?

  “That was the most awesome shit I’ve ever seen!”

  “Who’s that?” demanded Frank. His voice was still angry.

  Stacy cleared her throat. “Ladies and gentlemen of Earth. I present to you…” She let out a small grunt, like she was shifting the weight of the body she was carrying. “Mordred!”

  There was a moment of intense silence.

  “Mordred!” Stacy repeated. After another moment of silence, she said, “I kind of expected a different reaction. More of a You go, girl!or at least a Yay! Honestly, anything at all would have been nice. What’s going on?”

  “You’ve made a mistake,” said Frank. “That’s not Mordred.”

  “Sure it is.”

  “I don’t think so. We had Mordred here a little while ago before some fucking idiot cut him loose.”

  “You had someone else here who claimed to be Mordred?” Stacy sounded skeptical, but Tim suppressed the tiny sliver of hope that tried to seep into his heart.

  “He hadn’t fessed up yet, but all the evidence pointed to him. Denise here was conducting an interrogation when we all got summoned to the South Gate.”

  “Well I don’t know who you were interrogating,” said Stacy. “But it wasn’t Mordred. This is Mordred. He didn’t even try to hide it. He told me all about how he created this world, and all the people in it, and how he finally rolled the perfect character, me, and how he wanted me to be his queen and rule this world together with him.”

  “She’s right,” said Tony the Elf. “He’s the real deal.”

  Tim had heard all he needed to. He hopped up on top of the bar.

  “Uh-oh!” He rang the bell above the bar and shouted back at an imaginary chef in an imaginary kitchen. “Fire up the ovens! We got to bake some humble pies. Ooh, baby, we got a hungry crowd in here tonight!”

  “I’m sorry,” Frank muttered.

  “What’s that, Frank? I didn’t quite catch it.” Tim lay down on the bar. “Let me crawl my primordial sack of shit out of the sea so I can hear you better.” He let his tongue hang out of his mouth as he inchwormed his way across the bar, smearing a trail of piss behind him. “Blegh, blargh, blaugh, blegh.” The crowd who had woken him lowered their heads and endured the spectacle. The newcomers, including Stacy, Katherine, Butterbean, Dave, Julian, Tony the Elf, and some black dude, watched in stunned silence. “I’m sorry, Frank. Could you say that again?”

  “I’m sorry,” Frank repeated, more loudly and clearly. “I’m a big enough man to admit when I’m wrong. I owe you an apology.”

  Tim frowned. “Just think of that poor little halfling you tortured for no reason at all.” He shrugged. “But you know what? Water under the –”Hold on a second… Butterbean?

  Katherine’s wolf stood docilely next to her. Neither of them was trying to kill the other. Also, there was something off about Katherine. She looked a little dumpier somehow.

  “Katherine?” said Tim. “Are you…alive?”

  “Yeah!” said Katherine. “Isn’t it cool?”

  “What… How…”

  Katherine shrugged. “Fuck if I know. I just walked into town as a vampire, trying my best to avoid stepping in these red puddles that were everywhere. You know, so I don’t ruin my shoes. And then these two drunk orcs are dancing around, not watching where they’re going, and they knock me on my ass right into a puddle. I’m getting ready to kick some ass, because I’m never going to get this shit out of my jeans. And then, just like that, my heart starts beating. I won’t lie. It scared the shit out of me.”

  “That’s terrific!”

  “It is what it is.I’m going to miss flying. But it’s nice to be able to drink again.”

  “Well how about that.”Tim sat up on the bar and rubbed his hands together. “Bring forth the guest of honor. Let’s see what ol’ Mordred has to say for himself.”

  Stacy hefted the unconscious elf into a sitting position on the bar. “One Mordred. Order up!” She took a step back and stood next to Julian.

  The elf had a scrap of cloth tied around his head, obscuring his left eye.

  “What happened to his eye?”

  Julian tugged on his ears. “The best theory we’ve got is that Ravenus took it when he escaped.”

  “Where’s Ravenus?”

  Julian frowned. “I don’t know.”

  Tim pulled a pair of socks out of the elf’s mouth and held them up. “Um… Who do these belong to?”

  Tony the Elf raised his hand. “Those are mine.”

  Tim flung the socks in Tony the Elf’s general direction, then looked down at the captive elf. “Should I kick him awake, or would you prefer the honor, Rhonda?”

  “That won’t be necessary,” said the elf. He looked up at Tim with his single eye. “Hello, Tim.”

  The crowd gasped.

  Tim’s heart skipped a beat. “Mordred.”

  Mordred bowed his head. “I suppose I should congratulate you on thwarting my plan to take over the city. I must admit, I was not expecting poor Timmon Bloodsoul to have to go up against the Michelin Man.”

  “Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man,” said Stacy.

  “Pillsburg Doughchild,” said Denise.

  “Jesus,” said Randy.

  Tim frowned. “Is someone going to fill me in on this?”

  “Ah, the New God everyone’s been talking about,” said Mordred. “A very clever ploy. Invent a new god that you have unique knowledge of, and he’s yours to command. I would never have allowed it, of course. But the game, left to its own devices, tends to have its bugs. I expect that trick will only work once, though. Now that others have witnessed his power, you can bet that clerics and paladins will be lining up to join his flock. I’m afraid that you’ll be a run-of-the-mill paladin again, Randy.”

  Randy shrugged. “I can live with that. I don’t like all that attention anyway.”

  Mordred smiled at Frank. “So, noble leader. You’ve finally captured Big Bad Mordred. What do you propose to do with me?”

  “You’re going to send us all back home,” said Frank, “so we can try to salvage what we can of our real lives.”

  “Sure thing,” said Mordred. “Untie my hands and hand over the dice.”

  Frank slowly pulled the dice bag out of his vest’s inner pocket. Mordred stared at it hungrily.

  “Stop,” said Tim. “Something’s not right. He’s got a funny look in his eyes.”

  Randy raised his hand. “Excuse me.”

  “Randy, this isn’t fucking school,” said Tim. “If you’ve got something to say, just spit it out.”

  “I was just thinking…”

  “I’m sure you’ll be home in time for COPS.”

  Randy glared at him. “I was just thinking,” he repeated. “What’s to stop Mordred from just saying his own name when you give him the dice?”

  “Well thank you, Randy, for planting that idea in his head.”

  “Don’t be too hard on him,” said Mordred. “That’s precisely what I was planning to do. You’d have to be a complete moron not to expect that.”

  Tim looked at his feet. “I’ve had a bit to drink tonight.”

  “Shit,” said Frank. “I can’t believe I was about to hand over the bag. If Mordred gets back to Earth…”

  “He can take over the game again,” said Julian.

  Mord
red smiled. “He is a clever one. It looks like you good people have a bit of a conundrum.”

  “No,” said Dave. “This isn’t a problem at all.”

  Mordred’s grin flickered. “And how’s that?”

  “Command!” said Dave. “It’s a first level clerical spell. We’ll just Command him to say our names.” Tim relished the look of panic that spread over Mordred’s face while Dave continued. “We’ll have to wait until morning to get started, and it might take a few days, but between me and however many other clerics we have here, we should be able to get everyone home within a week.”

  Frank must have noticed Mordred’s change of mood as well. He was actually smiling. “I never thought I’d say this, but I can’t wait to be five foot three again.”

  “I can’t wait to have balls again,” said Denise, drawing the attention of everyone in the room. Even Mordred snapped out of his funk to give her a puzzled glance.

  Julian’s eyes widened. He whispered something to Stacy.

  Stacy’s jaw dropped as she clapped her hands. “Come on!” she said, grabbing Julian’s arm. Together, they squirmed their way through the crowd and out of the inn.

  Tim frowned. “What the fuck is up with those two?”

  “It’s disgusting,” said Mordred. “They’re completely shameless.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Nothing,” said Katherine. “He’s just trying to fuck with you.”

  For some reason, Tim suspected that Mordred was being more upfront with him than Katherine was.

  “What is going on with Julian and Stacy?” Tim asked Mordred. “Are they…”

  “Morning, noon, and night,” said Mordred. He was grinning again. “She’s insatiable. It’s like she’s got a bomb in her uterus that will explode if he doesn’t keep resetting the timer.”

  Tim’s heart started pounding. “Resetting the timer? You mean, like, with his dick?”

  Mordred rolled his eye. “Yes, Tim. With his dick.”

  “You knew about this, Katherine? You all knew?” Tim had only meant to address the group that Julian and Stacy had been traveling with, but he noticed that nearly everyone in the room had taken a sudden interest in their own feet.“Jesus Christ! How long has this been going on?”

  “Tim,” said Frank. “She’s a grown woman. She can make her own choices.”

  “You can do better than her anyway,” said Katherine. “She’s kind of a bitch.”

  Mordred grinned at Tim, a twinkle in his eye. “He’s resetting that timer right now, Tim. It requires a long, slender tool. I don’t think you could reset that clock with your tool even if she let you try.”

  Dave took a step toward Mordred. “You want me to shut him up for you?We won’t need him until morning anyway.”

  Tim shook his head. “Nah. It’s cool.”

  He walked along the bar to the shelves where the stonepiss bottles were stored and took one. He unstoppered it and took a swig. Vomiting and napping had put him back in a pretty good position for a second wind.

  “You want that drink now, Kat?”

  Katherine looked left, then right, at all the eyes staring back at her. “Um… sure.”

  He took another bottle off the shelf, walked back over to the end of the bar where Mordred was still tied up, and tossed the unopened bottle to Katherine. She caught it awkwardly with both hands. She was certainly not a vampire anymore.

  Tim took another swig from his bottle, then addressed the crowd. “Let’s raise our glasses to Julian and Stacy.”

  “Come on, Tim,” said Frank. “Don’t do this.”

  “What?”Tim said in his best innocent voice. “I’m serious.”

  “You’re embarrassing yourself.”

  Tim laughed. His throat was raw.“Look at me, Frank! Take a good, hard look. I’m covered in my own vomit and urine. I’m past the point of self-embarrassment.”

  “Well then think about the rest of us. You’re making everyone very uncomfortable.”

  “What’s everyone got to feel uncomfortable about?” asked Tim. “Are you all resetting her clock? I thought it was just Julian.”

  “I can’t let you talk that way about Stacy,” said Randy. “I know you’s upset, but she’s our friend.”

  “You too, Randy? How do you prep your tool for that? You make her wear a flannel shirt and a trucker hat? Or do you just use the tool in the cellar?”

  The crowd parted as Randy stepped to the front. “I’m gonna give you one last warning.”

  Tim held up his hands defensively. “You’re right, Randy. That was out of line. I’m sorry.” He jiggled his bottle. “Just the booze talking.” He gulped some back. “I’m not trying to dis-purge anyone’s character. I’m happy for them both. Hell, I’m punched as please.”

  Katherine had tears streaming down her cheeks. She mouthed the words Please stop.

  Tim winked at her. Backstabbing bitch. He paused momentarily to swig back some stonepiss and remember where he had left off in his speech. Nothing came to mind. He started again.

  “Julian and Stacy. Theirs is a fairytale romance, born here in a fairytale world. I don’t know about you, but that brings a tear to my eye.” This line was added on the spot to account for the actual tears welling up in his eyes. “And do you know how my favorite fairytales end?”

  Dave’s face turned pale. “Tim! Don’t!” He knew how Tim’s favorite fairytales ended, but his fat little dwarf legs couldn’t do shit about it.

  Tim crouched next to Mordredand smashed his bottle against the bar. “Happily. Ever. After.” He grabbed Mordred’s hair with his left hand and shoved the broken end of the bottle into Mordred’s neck. He got in a good solid twist before someone’s hands pulled him away.

  It was Denise. She threw Tim against a wall and kicked him repeatedly in the gut and ribs.

  “Stop it!” cried Katherine, trying to push Denise away. Without her vampire-enhanced Strength, it was a futile effort. She grabbed a handful of Denise’s hair and yanked hard.

  “Ow! Ow!” cried Denise. She stopped kicking Tim. “Okay! Let go of my hair!”

  “Randy!”cried Frank from where Mordred was bleeding out on the bar. “Get over here and heal him!”

  “In Jesus Christ’s name, I heal you!” said Randy a moment later. “It ain’t working. Mordred was right. I’m just a run-of-the-mill paladin now.”

  “Let me try,” said Dave. “I heal thee! Shit, it’s no good. He’s lost too much blood.”

  “It was just one stab,” said Frank. “Even with his Sneak Attack bonus, how much damage could he have done?”

  Tim spat out a gob of bloody phlegm and grinned. “Coup d'état rules, bitches! Hit Points don’t matter. It’s a Fortitude Save or die.”

  “It’s coup de grâce, you fucking idiot,” said Frank. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

  “I don’t know, Frank. I’m pretty drunk.”

  “You’ve damned us all here forever!”

  “Oh, right. Yeah, I knew that.”

  Frank turned a livid visage to Katherine. “I can’t guarantee your brother’s safety.” His words were barely above a whisper, but audible in the pin-drop silence of the room.“I can’t even guarantee I won’t kill him myself. You need to get him out of here right now, before –”

  “Look who I found!” sang Stacy as she sashayed back into the inn accompanied by Julian, Cooper, and Ravenus. “Holy shit.”

  Cooper looked at Mordred, blood from his neck still trickling out in pulses over the side of the bar, then to Tim, sitting against the wall, his clothes stained with his own urine, vomit, and now blood.

  Tim nodded at him. “Hey, Coop. ‘Sup?”

  “What the fuck happened in here?”

  “We’ve only been gone, like, five minutes,” said Julian. “Everything was cool when we left.”

  “Tim here had himself a little tantrum,” said Frank. “Because Julian left the inn with his girl.” He emphasized the last part with finger quotes.

  Sta
cy stomped toward Tim. “You selfish little shit!”

  Tim braced himself for another ass kicking, but Katherine stepped in Stacy’s way.

  “That’s my brother. You need to take a step back.”

  Stacy got up in Katherine’s face. “Don’t forget. You don’t have your superpowers anymore.”

  Butterbean growled.

  Katherine smiled at Stacy. “But I do have a big fucking wolf. Now back off.”

  The silent air was as thick with tension as it was with the combined smells of Tim and Cooper.

  “Is something amiss, sir?” Ravenus asked Julian.

  “You could say that, Ravenus. Tim just killed Mordred.”

  “And who, exactly, is Mordred?”

  “The dead elf on the bar.”

  Ravenus looked. “He’s the one that kidnapped me!I ate his eye.”

  Julian smiled sadly. “I thought you might have.”

  “I’m not one to celebrate the death of a fellow living creature,” said Ravenus. “But I can’t honestly say I share the level of bereavement I see here.”

  “We needed him to get back home,” said Julian. “The magic dice only work for him.”

  Ravenus nodded and looked over at Mordred’s dead body. “That does make your goal more inconvenient.”

  “It makes our goal impossible.”

  “Not at all!” said Ravenus. “Chin up, sir! You can always seek out one of the other ones.”

  Julian looked curiously at his bird. “One of the other whats?”

  “Mordreds, of course.”

  “There’s only one Mordred, and he’s over there bleeding onto the floor.”

  “There were at least three who captured me, sir.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “It was a curious thing to witness. Three bodies in the back of the wagon, but only one of them was able to function at a time. They were different races, but their mannerisms suggested, to me, that they shared the same spirit.”

  “I knew it!” shouted Denise. “Wister really was Mordred. That’s how I wound up punching that tree. The little fucker knew the jig was up, and he went and switched bodies on account of he didn’t want to feel a punch in the face. And that’s also why we couldn’t wake him up. He’d done given up on that body until Tim showed up.”

  Frank looked down at Tim. “That’s just remarkable. We had two bites at the apple, and you let one go and killed the other.”