Sara stole a few glances at Jude and watched as he quietly busied himself with a book and pencil during his father’s treatment. She wondered if he was able to sense her heart just as he had been able to over a decade ago, but was reluctant to ask such a personal question. All morning long, she toyed with the notion of inviting Jude to chat. It wasn’t until her manager announced that the unit was over-staffed, and asked for a volunteer to leave early, that Sara decided to seize the opportunity to talk with Jude.
“My shift’s over,” Sara stated addressing Tom. “My manager’s backing me off early today. Another nurse named Kristin will work with you as you finish your treatment. I’ve reviewed your info with her. You’ll be in excellent hands, I promise. Okay?”
“That’s okay. Thank you,” Tom replied.
Sara looked nervously at Jude and suggested, “I have some time now before I have to be home. I was wondering if you’d like to grab a coffee in the cafeteria.”
“Um, yeah, sure,” Jude agreed and turned toward his father, “I’ll be back in a little while, k?”
“Mmmkay,” Tom replied. “Grab a candy bar for me for the ride home, would ya?”
“Sure, Dad,” Jude chuckled.
Jude grabbed his coat from the back of the chair and they walked toward the elevators together. “So, you’re only here on weekends?”
“That’s right,” Sara replied.
“You’ll be working next weekend?” Jude inquired as they stepped onto the elevator.
“Yeah. I’m on the usual shift, Saturday, seven to three,” Sara confirmed.
“I guess I’ll see you next week then, too,” his voice seemed enthusiastic, although there was a hint of hesitation to his words as well.
Sara smiled and remarked, “I’m sure you will. Maybe I’ll even get to be your dad’s nurse again.”
They stepped off the elevator and walked in silence along a straight and narrow hallway, which led them directly to the cafeteria. Sara’s mind was blank as she tried to formulate a topic of small talk.
“I’m glad you asked me to join you,” he said, finally breaking the silence.
“Me too,” she smiled at him. “I have to admit, since that day I saw you and your father in the clinic a week ago, I keep thinking of things I’m curious about… about you.”
“Oh yeah? Like what?” he wondered.
“Oh, I dunno. I guess there’s sort of this gap in time that I keep looking to fill. I mean, we knew each other so well when we were younger, and then there’s this, what, like, ten year period of time where I don’t know anything about what happened in your life.”
“There’s not much to tell, really. What would you like to know?”
“Tell me about college. I mean, after we, uh… broke up.”
“Well, let’s see, I tore my meniscus playing football my second year in college, which pretty much ended my football career. And to be honest, I wasn’t that great, anyway!”
“Oh stop! You were the best player on our team in high school! I can’t imagine that changed,” Sara said.
“Well, I did pretty good freshman year, but I just didn’t play as well after the injury. Anyway, it all worked out for the better, I think. I graduated from Ohio State in 2005, went to Yale, finished my masters and PhD and then moved back home in 2009. I lived with Dad for a couple of months until I bought my townhouse just a few miles away from his place.”
“Your dad still at the same address?”
“Of course! I tried to convince him to move into senior housing after Mom passed, but he wanted nothing to do with it.”
“Oh! I’m sorry to hear about your mom,” Sara sympathetically offered.
“Thanks. It’s been a few years. We’re doing okay. Anyway, Dad’s set on spending his last days in that house and there’s no changing his mind!”
“Aww… Well, I don’t blame him. I’m sure there are a lot of great memories there.”
“I can think of a few involving you,” he smiled devilishly at her.
Sara blushed. She had an idea of a few indecent memories that may have crossed Jude’s mind. “So you’ve been back ever since?” she questioned, trying to re-direct the conversation.
“Yep. When I came back, I worked for a mental health treatment clinic for a few years but then started my own practice two years ago. Dad’s health has been goin’ downhill since I finished my residency and I’ve been helping him a lot ever since. I guess that about sums it up. Was that what you were looking for?” he asked.
“Sure, a cliff notes version works, I guess,” Sara agreed but his answer still didn’t satisfy her curiosity.
“What about you?” he inquired.
“Oh, well, uh,” Sara hesitated, trying to pick through the key points in the last ten years that he was missing from her life. “Okay, so, I graduated from Sacred Heart in 2005. I met my husband, Eric, my junior year. We got married after we graduated, lived in an apartment for a couple of years and then built our house in oh-eight.” Sara paused debating on how much she should tell him about Eric and the kids since he didn’t have any family, other than his father, to tell her about. But the kids were significant and it would be odd for her to exclude them in her summary so she continued, “Let’s see, Lexi was born in oh-nine and Jake was born almost nine months ago.”
“Wow, sounds like you’ve been busy,” he smiled with a hint of remorse in his tone.
“Yeah,” Sara sighed heavily, “it’s been a whirlwind. The kids keep me busy. The house keeps me busy. And Eric, well, it’s busy without him sometimes.”
“I can only imagine. Over there okay?” Jude asked pointing to an empty table in the corner of the cafeteria as they entered.
“Sure, that’s fine.” Sara agreed.
“Have a seat,” Jude suggested. “My treat today. Still like cream and sugar?”
“Oh, um, yeah. Sure. Light and sweet as always,” she replied. Sara was pleasantly surprised by the fact that he remembered how she liked her coffee.
“I’ll be right back.”
A flurry of feelings churned in Sara’s stomach as she watched Jude make his way to the coffee counter and wait for the attendant to fill their order. She tapped her foot on the tile floor and bounced her leg up and down nervously. Sara wondered what more they would talk about and how long it might be before she could gather the courage to ask him more personal questions about relationships and love.
“A cream and two sugars,” Jude stated as he handed a cup of coffee to her. He slid into the seat across from Sara and smiled at her. His smile was beautiful, she thought, and the nervous feeling she’d had quickly evaporated, leaving behind a warm curiosity that would persist.
“Thanks,” Sara returned the smile.
“You’re welcome,” Jude paused briefly and thought about the moment when Sara walked into the waiting room of the clinic to address his father for his first treatment the previous weekend. “I hope you don’t mind me saying… the years have been kind to you, Sara. You’re even more beautiful than I remember.”
Sara blushed and then shook her head, “Thanks but -”
“Don’t,” he interrupted, “I see that you still don’t know how to accept a compliment, huh?” The tone in his voice was serious, yet soft.
“Sorry,” she replied sheepishly. “I mean, thank you.” For a fleeting moment, Sara thought about how she couldn’t remember the last time Eric complimented her, which made her appreciate Jude’s comment even more.
Jude inhaled deeply. With a look of certainty on his face that surprised Sara, he said abruptly, “So, it was you in the elevator here a couple of weeks ago, wasn’t it?”
Struck by the obtuseness of his question, Sara took a moment to process. Of course, Sara knew exactly what Jude was referring to, and she was somewhat relieved to have confirmation of her own suspicions. “Yeah,” she chuckled, “I thought that was you, too. I guess I’m not the only one that noticed?”
“We brushed arms. I could never forget what you feel like, Sara. It was
,” Jude paused as he tried to find the right words to describe their encounter, “like home. And so familiar.”
Sara’s heart felt as though it melted into thousands of warm, gooey droplets inside her body. She sated herself with his words, ‘I could never forget…. like home’. It was impossible for Sara to hide her delight as she stumbled through her own words, “I wasn’t sure at first. I mean, your eyes and your face are exactly the same but I was in such a hurry, and I had the kids with me and it happened so quickly.”
“I know. It did for me, too. I would have said hello. I wanted to say hello.”
“Me too.”
“Sara? I’m curious about something. And if it’s too personal, you can tell me to back off and I won’t be offended,” Jude struggled nervously to spit out his words.
“Hey,” Sara reassured, “it’s okay. I’m an open book, remember? Ask me anything!” She suddenly felt very at ease, as if no time at all had passed since they last shared conversation over a cup of coffee.
“Well, there was a lot going on with you that day, in the elevator. I mean, I felt a lot of different emotions. There was anxiety, frustration. And there was emptiness,” he affirmed.
“I have two young children, Jay. I’m always frustrated!” Sara tried to make light of the conversation but something deep within her relished the notion that Jude was, once again, interested in her life and she was more than happy to fulfill his curiosity.
“And the emptiness?” he asked delicately.
Sara let out an exasperated sigh and then took a sip of her coffee. “I don’t know. Eric, I guess. Maybe I’m frustrated and feeling empty in my marriage? I love him, of course, but our relationship is very ordinary right now. Maybe it’s because of the kids. Maybe it’s his job. It’s everything I suppose.”
“Couples go through this sort of thing, Sara,” Jude reassured. His attempt to comfort her came easily to him given his line of work.
“I know Jay, but it’s so difficult. He spends so much of his time at work. It’s more like he’s married to his job instead of being married to me! I just want him to wake up and put the kids and me first. To show his love for me, ya know?” Sara felt liberated sharing her frustrations.
“So that’s what you meant earlier when you said that it’s busy without him sometimes.”
“Yeah,” Sara nodded.
“Have you tried talking with him about how you’re feeling?” Jude questioned.
“Sometimes I try. But our conversations always end with both of us feeling bad about ourselves. I think it’s easier just to let it go and hope that it’ll get better as time goes on. But then sometimes I start to wonder if I’m supposed to get more out of life… out of the relationship.” Sara glanced at her watch, took note of the time and added, “Anyway, look at me, boring you with my problems! I’m sorry. This wasn’t meant to be a therapy session! I’d venture to guess that you hear this sort of stuff all day long.”
“I do,” Jude grinned. The stories his patients would tell him in therapy sessions were mundane at times due to their similarity, and Sara’s comments were no different, but listening to Sara excited Jude. The connection they shared was undeniable, even after over a decade apart. He hung on her every word and encouraged her to continue, “But I don’t mind at all. I want to help if I can.”
“Thanks,” Sara smiled. And although she worried that she was perhaps, too open with him, she found herself thoroughly enjoying theirintimate conversation and surmised that Jude was enjoying it as well.
8. What Sara Said
Three days had gone by since Sara and Jude had coffee together at the hospital and for three solid days, Jude found himself distracted by the thought of her. He re-played their conversation over and over in his mind as if it were a movie with each repetition slightly different than the previous. Sometimes, he would imagine that they held each other’s hands, remembering the sensations that would overcome him when he felt her heart. Other times, the memory of their coffee encounter was more true to life than his imagination would lead him to envision. Regardless, the thought of Sara and the potential to interact with her again occupied his mind and time. He wondered if it was possible for a friendship to exist between them, given their history and hoped for the opportunity to find out what Sara’s thoughts were regarding the matter as well.
Jude sat behind the desk in his office and attempted to focus on reviewing his office notes from an initial visit he’d had earlier that day with a new patient. A well-known politician, Damon Eaglestone was of particular interest to Jude, and he was concerned about him on several levels. Jude recalled that when he shook Damon’s hand, he had an overwhelming sense that Damon was, in some way, a danger to him. He feared he was going to turn out to be one of those rather rare and difficult to treat patients with classic paranoid personality disorder. For a moment, Jude contemplated the option of referring Damon to another therapist more experienced in dealing with those types of patients, but decided he’d meet with him a few more times before taking that step. Jude pulled a copy of the DSM-V, every psychologist’s clinical Bible, from the bookshelf behind him. As he scanned through the pages in search of “paranoid,” his focus was broken by a chirping sound that came from his phone, indicating he’d gotten a new text message. He retrieved the phone and saw on the screen that the message was from Sara. Butterflies fluttered in his abdomen. Although they’d exchanged cell phone numbers during their last conversation, Jude was somewhat surprised to hear from Sara. He hurriedly swiped his index finger across the screen and he read the message.
Ty for the coffee & convo. Next time, it’s on me ;-)
Earlier during the week, Jude wanted to send a text message to Sara to let her know how much he’d enjoyed reconnecting with her on Saturday, but was afraid it might be too forward of him to do so. He was grateful that Sara texted him first and thought for a moment about what his reply ought to be. He settled on his message and began to tap it out on the screen of his smart phone.
You’re quite welcome. It was great to see you. And I’ll take you up on that!
Jude tapped the “send” button on his screen and waited for a few minutes. Distracted from his work, he launched the mail application and began scanning through his recent email messages but before he could open the first message, a text notification appeared at the top of the screen.
Likewise. Until we meet again!
Jude couldn’t resist the opportunity to keep the conversation going and immediately responded.
Saturday after your shift? My office? 319 S. Dorrent Blvd., Suite 215
With his index finger poised over the send button, he struggled with the idea that perhaps he was inviting trouble into his life, but then rationalized that it was perfectly normal for old friends, even lovers, to become friends once again and hit “send.”
Oh shit! Jude thought. What have I done?
----------
The black leather executive chair, which Jude sat in behind the desk in his office, was undeniably comfortable. However, Jude was restless. He glanced at the display on the platinum Rolex wrapped around his wrist, a gift to himself upon completion of his doctorate studies in Clinical Psychology. It was 3:18 pm. She’s late, he thought. Maybe she changed her mind. He became more anxious as he waited for her arrival, a feeling that Jude was not accustomed to. For a moment, he wondered how long he ought to wait for her to arrive before texting her or giving up altogether and heading home. He struggled to focus his attention on the stack of insurance forms and clinical notes he’d been working on.
Several minutes later he heard the familiar chirping of his cell phone. It was a text message from Sara. Jude retrieved the phone from the corner of his desk and swiped the screen to reveal the message.
Sorry, running late. C U in 15?
Relieved to learn that Sara was still planning to meet him, Jude quickly replied to her message.
NP. Take your time. I’ll be here.
Jude’s phone chirped again – a reply from Sara.
Twenty minutes later Sara stood in the hallway at the door of suite number two-fifteen on the second floor of the medical arts building. The glass door was imprinted in block lettering with the name of the practice, Berkshire Counseling Associates, and underneath she read, Jude M. Warner, PhD. Sara tugged on the door handle but it didn’t move. She peered through the glass into the waiting area to see if there was any sign of someone in the office. The room appeared to be completely empty, but she noticed an open door next to the receptionist desk, which she thought might be Jude’s office. Sara took a deep breath and knocked firmly on the door, loud enough so that Jude would hear the knock from within the other office. Moments later, Jude walked through the waiting area and unlocked the glass door to let Sara in.
“Hi, it’s good to see you. C’mon in,” Jude offered as he opened the door. The sweet scent of Sara’s shampoo consumed his senses as she stepped through the doorway and walked passed him. She smelled delicious despite a hint of the pungent smell of hospital sanitizer.
“I wasn’t sure you’d still be here. I’m sorry it’s so late. My shift should have ended at three but the girl that relieved me came in late.”
“It’s no problem, really. I’ve been working on a pile of insurance paperwork. I’m glad I had the extra time,” Jude reassured her.
Sara followed Jude through the waiting area and into the room on the other side. “So this is your office, huh? It’s nice,” she said as she assessed the room. “You’ve done well for yourself.”
“It’s comfortable, thank you,” Jude remarked, trying to down play the elegance of the room, despite how proud he was of it. He regarded it as a reflection of his success.
The room was larger than Sara had envisioned it might be. It was neat and uncluttered. Two tall windows, flanked by long gray fabric panels, were centered on the wall across from the doorway. Natural light flooded the room through a veil of white sheers that covered them. Along the wall adjacent to the windows stood a colonial-style executive desk made of walnut, and a matching leather chair. The center of the room was set up like a cozy living room. A sofa table adorned with two tall black lamps rested behind an espresso colored leather sofa. There were two canary and grey printed, upholstered wing chairs opposite each other and at the center of the sitting area was a wood and glass coffee table.
What Sara Said Page 5