Sara and Eric married four months after she earned her Bachelor’s in Nursing and started working ten to twelve hour shifts, four days a week at the hospital. It was only a short time later that Sara became irritated with her profession. Although she knew she was helping people, she grew to loath her coworkers who, over-worked and stretched thin, were always grumpy. The negative atmosphere bothered her, too. It changed her. After three years of working full time she learned that she was pregnant. Eric had just taken a job at Lyleth and they were about to move into their new home, so it was the perfect opportunity for Sara to quit. It was liberating. At last, she would have some freedom, or so she thought.
Sara glanced down at the chart in her hands to see the name “Warner, Thomas” type-written across the tab. Her pulse quickened. She scanned the chart for the date of birth. Could this be the Thomas Warner; father of Jude, whom she once knew so well? Sara read the date of birth, quickly performing the mathematical calculation in her head. Knowing that Jude was born when his parents were in their late thirties she concluded that it was possible for this to be the father of the man she once loved, if her estimation of his parents’ ages back then was correct. A nervous feeling arose from her abdomen as she drew her eyes away from the chart and tentatively walked into the waiting room.
“Mr. Warner,” Sara called out.
Two men rose simultaneously from their chairs in the corner of the room. The older man struggled to stand as the younger man, probably in his early thirties, guided him out of his chair. The younger man looked up, and immediately Sara recognized that it was Jude. He was slightly taller than she’d remembered him to be, of course, and his trim, tousled hair was a natural medium brown color, which reminded her of chocolate truffle. He wore dark khaki colored twill dress pants with a corduroy blazer and a light blue collared shirt underneath. He was perfect and his denim blue eyes, surrounded by a pair of sleek brown plastic Gucci eyeglasses, were so full of warmth and beauty. Butterflies stirred in her belly at the sight of him. She found herself fidgeting to tuck away any loose strands of hair so that she might somehow look attractive, as if she even could look attractive wearing traditional nursing scrubs.
Tom and Jude walked across the waiting area toward Sara.
“Hi, Mr. Warner. I’m Sara. I’ll be your nurse today,” she said all in one breath, flustered. She was relatively certain that Jude would recognize her, but decided to play dumb since the sight of him took her off guard completely.
“Sara?” Jude questioned.
She could feel herself blush as she grinned politely at him. “Jude?” she acted surprised, as if she hadn’t recognized who he was from the very moment she saw him. “Oh my gosh! How are you? It’s been so long!”
“Hey… I, uh, yeah. It’s been awhile. I didn’t know you worked here. How’ve you been?”
“Good, thank you. You?”
“Good, thanks. Well, then I guess you’d remember my father?” he questioned.
“Yeah, of course, I recognized the name as soon as I saw your chart, Mr. Warner. It’s good to see you,” Sara said as she addressed Tom.
“Dad, you must remember Sara Alton, don’t you? She was my girlfriend in high school?” Jude asked his father.
“Oh, Sara,” he replied, his voice a bit hoarse but genuine, “I barely recognized you. I’m sorry.”
“Oh, don’t apologize. It’s been quite some time since we last saw each other. And actually, it’s Sara Preen now. So, how long have you been on dialysis?” she asked as they walked toward an empty bed in the treatment area.
“About a month or so,” he replied.
“Dad was released from the hospital a little over two weeks ago now,” Jude interjected. His voice was strong but soothing and Sara felt like a teenager hanging on his every word. “They started him on dialysis when he was first admitted. We knew his kidneys were getting bad. He was diagnosed with kidney failure about two years ago and his doctor advised him that he’d need dialysis eventually.” Jude paused, sighing; his expression was full of remorse, as if he was sorry for something. “Anyway, we had to wait for the hospital to find him an open slot here at the clinic before they’d discharge him.”
“Okay,” she said, nervously, a little uncomfortable as she unexpectedly had difficulty finding her words, something that rarely occurred. “Ah, well, let’s see, Mr. War-”
“Tom,” he interrupted. “Call me Tom.”
Sara chuckled. His interjection made Sara feel more at ease talking with him than she did with Jude. But the comfortable feeling she had felt strange to her because in all of the years she knew him she had always referred to Tom by his surname. “Okay then, let’s bring you over here to bed four and get you started.” Sara motioned for them to follow her as she walked toward the treatment area and assisted Tom as he climbed into the bed. Sara began hooking him up to the dialysis machines and set the parameters using the port, which had been placed in his chest when he was in the hospital.
Turning toward Jude again Sara said, “I’m guessing you’ve been with him for this before so you know that it’ll take a couple of hours?”
“Ah, yeah, sure… Um, I was gonna stay with him if that’s okay?”
“Of course. I’ll just be over there at the nurses’ station if you need me and I’ll be checking back in with him in a little while.”
Sara gathered Tom’s chart in her arms and returned to her desk at the nurses’ station. Her head was seemingly in a cloud all afternoon as she painfully tried to distract her mind with work. She was utterly hopeless in her battle, though, and quickly realized that it was only a matter of time before her heart would give her away.
6. Relief and Fear
The house looked ominously dark when Eric pulled his sleek black seven series BMW into the driveway. He glanced at the time display on his dashboard. It was 11:13 pm. Eric hoped he wouldn’t be so late on a Thursday evening but his work days were painfully long since his trainee, Colleen, started work a few weeks earlier. When a couple of his colleagues invited him to join them for a drink after work, he considered for a moment that Sara might be pissed off at him for the fourth late night in a row. But Eric decided he deserved to unwind a bit after the frustration of the day he’d had.
Eric walked quietly through the hallway into the kitchen and placed his briefcase on the island next to a pile of mail that was left for him to review. He walked over to the refrigerator and retrieved a cold plate of food that was covered with plastic wrap. Although Eric had agreed to a drink or two at the bar, he didn’t order anything from the kitchen, which left him starving and thankful that Sara had put a plate together for him. He loosened the wrap from the plate and placed it in the microwave. While he waited for his meal to heat up, he grabbed a glass and filled it with tap water and ice.
Eric sat on a barstool at the island eating his plate of shrimp and mushroom risotto in silence. He began to thumb through the mail noting the postcard reminder of his polling place for the upcoming elections. Eric wasn’t very interested in local politics but was aware of the candidates who were currently running with thanks to the ads that had recently started filtering into their mailbox and on the television.
After checking that all of the doors in the house were locked, Eric climbed the stairs to the second floor and stopped in the doorways of Lexi and Jake’s rooms smiling at the sight of their sleeping bodies before walking through the master suite into the bathroom. He flicked on the lights in the bathroom, brushed his teeth, then quickly walked back into the bedroom and undressed, allowing his clothes to fall to the floor beside the bed.
Eric slid under the sheets into bed next to Sara. “I’m sorry I’m so late,” he whispered into Sara’s ear as he wrapped his arms around her body and nuzzled into the side of her neck.
“Hmmm,” she grumbled, “S’okay.”
“I had a drink after work with Alex and Sam. And I didn’t get out of work until late because of Colleen and her fucking mistakes,” explained Eric. The frustration in his voice
was evident and Sara was too sleepy to argue.
“Oh, sorry honey, it’s okay,” Sara sighed. She struggled to wake herself up when she considered her early morning shift.
“I didn’t think I’d be this late,” he reassured as he ran a free hand along the curves of Sara’s hip and thigh. Slipping his hand underneath the sheath of her nursing bra, Eric cupped and massaged her breast with his hand while planting tiny kisses along her neck and shoulder with his warm lips. He gently rolled and tugged her nipple between his index finger and thumb. A little lightheaded from the liquor and full from his late meal, Eric was hoping for the pleasure of making love with Sara, followed by the ultimate relaxation he always achieved after climax to help ease him into sleep. He continued to nip and caress various parts of her body. “Mmm...” he breathed as he tasted her skin with his lips and tongue. Eric allowed himself to become more aroused with each passing moment but his arousal quickly faded when he detected the audible wheeze of Sara’s deep and sleepy breaths. Defeated, Eric rolled away from Sara onto his back. He grabbed a tissue from the nightstand, closed his eyes and began massaging his erect shaft, requiring only a few minutes of effort before reaching orgasm and dozing off to sleep.
2:34 am. Damn. Sara was awakened by the distinct sounds on the monitor of Jake’s movement in his crib. A few quick pants of his breath followed by a hungry squeal. Okay, okay, she thought. She was awake now, sort of. Sighing, she rolled out of bed, her feet landing with little semblance of steadiness on the cool hardwood floor beneath her. Sara quickly donned a thin pink cotton robe, which was more appropriately worn during the summer but she had not gotten around to getting herself a heavier one for the early fall and winter yet. She stumbled down the hall into Jake’s room, not bothering to turn on the light since there was a sufficient glow coming from the combination of the full moon outside and the night light in the corner of the room. Besides, she thought, she didn’t want to wake him further if there was any chance of completing her night’s sleep when they were done.
As Sara picked Jake up and cradled him in her arms, he turned his head with force toward her body, immediately searching for her breast. She placed her hand on his diaper, assessing its fullness. There was no odor permeating from it to suggest he’d had a bowel movement, and it wasn’t too full with wetness so Sara decided to let it slide and just get on with what needed to be done. She was relatively certain that if she changed his diaper, she might fully wake him, and that was not a risk she was willing to take at that hour.
Sara carried him over to the rocker simultaneously opening her robe one-handed and reached under the strap of her tank top to disengage the snap closure of her nursing bra. In her half-awake stupor she had difficulty accomplishing this task. God, it would be so nice to sleep without a bra again, she mused. Snap! There. She got it. Finally! What seemed liked minutes wasted in an effort to get the stupid bra to release her breast from its cage was really only a matter of seconds. Sara peeled the nursing pad away from her breast and tossed it into the garbage can beside the rocker. When he inhaled her scent, which was a form of comfort to him, Jake began to wince with hunger, as if it had been days since he’d had anything to eat. He quickly latched on and the feeling of overwhelming relief consumed Sara momentarily as the milk in her breasts let down. He began to suck hard at her nipple, taking deep gulps and he struggled to find the appropriate breathing pattern with her entire nipple in his mouth. There was an audible gurgle, which rose from his stomach as Sara’s sweet milk began to digest. Jake settled substantially while Sara found a comfortable position for them, and slowly her eyes began to feel very heavy.
The room was calm and quiet again. They rocked gently in the cushioned glider, and she fought to keep her eyes open for fear that she would smother Jake in her sleep. As Jake continued to nourish himself, Sara’s head began to waver. She felt as though she was losing the battle between consciousness and sleep.
It must have been mid-summer in her dream because Sara was wearing a pale blue sundress with spaghetti straps that revealed her sun-kissed shoulders. The heat was intense as it beat down on her face and exposed skin. Jude sat cross-legged in the soft grass. She was lying on her back with her head cradled in his lap. The sun was nearly too bright for her to look directly upward, except that his body and head cast a shadow over her face and shielded the direct sunlight from her eyes. Jude’s eyes met her gaze as she stared up at his face, trying desperately to read his thoughts.
Gently, he lifted her head and placed it on the grass as he slid onto his side lying next to her. He perched the side of his face on his right hand, never losing sight of Sara’s eyes as he moved. She watched as he traced her arm from elbow to shoulder, with the faintest pressure of his index finger, until he’d reached her neckline. Relishing the heat of the sun and his soft touch, Sara tilted her head away to allow him greater access to her neck. Jude pressed his lips against her neck and she turned her head back toward him, smiling as he remained steadfast and continued by tracing her mouth with his fingertip.
“Jay?” Sara stopped his hand with hers as she spoke. “Will you tell me something?”
“Something,” he laughed, mocking her now inquisitive tone.
“No, stop! I’m serious.” Sara disliked it when she wasn’t taken seriously by others.
Jude rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders as he acknowledged her request, “Sure.”
“Why did you let go, too?”
He sighed, “Oh, Sara. I think there was always …”
Jude’s voice trailed off while the movement of Jake’s limp head away from Sara’s breast aroused her to consciousness. Panic rushed through her body for a fraction of a second, as she was keenly aware that she had fallen asleep. Without moving even slightly, Sara quickly glanced down at Jake, being careful not to wake him. Was he breathing? Had she smothered him? Sara feared.
Without warning, she heard the unforgettable low sound of his little throat gagging, which was common during the moment before he spit up. If it’s possible to feel relief and fear at the same time, Sara was now experiencing just that! Relieved that at least he was breathing, but fearful for what she knew was coming next.
Jake gagged once more as she swiftly brought him into an upright position on her lap, and then let out a wet and milk-filled belch, which produced what seemed like the contents of his entire meal.
The right arm and shoulder of her robe were soaked in her own warm and sweet milk. Poor Jake hadn’t survived the episode unscathed either. His fleece sleeper was soaked down the front and he must have turned his head slightly during those few seconds because his left shoulder and hand were covered with milk as well. Why must he gorge himself like this? Do babies realize when they are over-indulging? Sara sighed loudly with frustration, hoping that Eric might hear her on the monitor and at least offer a word of sympathy or an extra hand. So much for not having to change Jake tonight, she thought.
Sara stood up and brought Jake over to his changing table still avoiding the light switch in an attempt to salvage whatever chance she had left of getting back to sleep. He began wailing as soon as she laid him down to undress him. She cleaned him up and imagined that it must be cold lying there naked with the damp residue of the wipes still present on his soft skin. Sara found a clean winter sleeper in his dresser and frantically dressed him to ease his discomfort. The crying settled a bit as soon as she placed him over her shoulder and began patting his back.
So now what? Sara wondered. He was clearly awake. Calm, but awake. She strained her eyes in the darkness to view the time on his clock hanging on the wall. 3:12 am. Okay, so roughly 45 minutes had passed. It was much too early for Jake to be awake and Sara knew she’d need to be up at 6:30 am to get Lexi ready for school. She desperately wanted her bed. She needed to feel the warmth and freedom of slumber.
Sara swayed silently for a few minutes, although it seemed like hours, and Jake’s body became heavier over her shoulder as time passed. She readjusted and swayed for a few more moments
until finally she decided to just lay him down. If he didn’t settle, she would let him cry. Fortunately, he seemed to be calmed enough to go back to sleep.
Sara quietly slid back into bed next to Eric and remembered the dream she was having before Jake spit up all over. She crossed her arms against her chest and grabbed at her shoulders as she ached to feel the warmth of arms wrapped tightly around her body. Sara found herself hoping that when she fell back to sleep, she’d be embraced again by that same, luscious dream.
7. The Psychologist
Jude shifted anxiously in his seat while he accompanied Tom to his third dialysis treatment since the previous Saturday. With each visit that week, Jude hoped to see Sara at the hospital. But his hope quickly faded, as there was no sign of her since Tom’s first treatment, until today. Despite his experience with nursing staff schedules, Jude had been away from the hospital setting long enough that it hadn’t occurred to him that Sara might only work the weekend shift. So when Jude heard the unforgettable sound of her voice calling out his father’s name from across the waiting room, he was pleasantly surprised.
During the first two hours of treatment, Tom slept peacefully while Jude attempted to distract himself with a book of Sudoku puzzles he’d brought with him that day. He was failing miserably, though – not at Sudoku, which he was quite good at, even without focusing, but at directing his thoughts toward anything other than Sara. Ordinarily, Jude was able to block out the sensations he felt in others when in a public area. But Sara’s presence in the clinic was undeniably strong.
What Sara Said Page 4