What Sara Said

by Carrington, M. L.

As the officiant spoke of commitment and the years Eric and Sara were married, Sara was overcome with guilt about her infidelity. The entire day had been a whirlwind, and as she reflected on the intimacy they’d experienced together earlier that day, Sara believed there was hope for her marriage after all. She listened as the officiant continued, “But here you are today, having fulfilled the vows you each made on your wedding day. And as you reflect back on all of your years as husband and wife, do you now wish to reaffirm the vows you took eight years ago?”

  “I do,” Eric stated proudly.

  “I do,” Sara quietly agreed, trying not to let any hesitation show through her facade.

  The officiant turned toward Eric and asked, “Eric, do you reaffirm your love for Sara, and will you love, honor and cherish her, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse, forsaking all others, so long as you both shall live?”

  “Absolutely!”

  Sara’s stomach fluttered when the officiant addressed her, “Sara, do you reaffirm your love for Eric, and will you love, honor and cherish him, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse, forsaking all others, so long as you both shall live?”

  Forsaking all others. The officiant’s words rang in her head like a gong and pierced her heart. Forsake Jude? How could I? In that moment, Sara realized that she had to either come clean with Eric and break his heart, or vow to keep her promise, despite the challenge she knew it would be. But she could not go on living the lie any longer.

  “Sara?” the officiant tried to gain her attention.

  She looked around at her family, at Lexi and Jake, and then looked back at Eric. His eyes were so full of hope as he eagerly awaited her response. Sara’s stomach was in knots when she finally replied, “Yes, yes I will. I do.”

  The officiant returned his attention to Eric, “I believe Eric has a few words he’d like to share. Eric?”

  With a nervous grin, Eric nodded and pulled a book from the inside pocket of his suit. The cover looked familiar to Sara. It was Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, one of her favorite novels. Eric’s heart pounded in his chest. Every detail of the day had gone smoothly and exactly as he’d planned, so he was determined not to mess it up now! He flipped the book open to a page he’d marked with a sticky note and began, “First, I’d like thank everyone for driving all the way up here to be with us tonight. As you all know, Sara and I have been through a lot this last year. And it means a lot to me… to us, that you’re here to support us.”

  The guests nodded and smiled. Sara sank into Eric’s eyes as he drew in a deep breath and continued, “Now, I’m not usually very good with words, so I’ll steal a few written by Louis de Bernières.”

  The words were fluid across his tongue and Sara grew even more enamored with Eric as he read a passage from the book aloud:

  ‘When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are to become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathless, it is not excitement. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away.’

  Looking away from his notes and directly into Sara’s eyes Eric said, “Sara, I know you are a true romantic at heart, which is partly why I wanted this day and this weekend to be a bit of a fairy tale for you.”

  Tears began to trickle down Sara’s cheeks. His words were spoken with such sincerity and love that Sara wondered if she would ever be able to match his devotion to her. As she listened to him speak of being ‘in love’ versus loving one another, she worried that Eric might have discovered the truth about her affair with Jude, but was hopeful that his reference was, instead, to the beginning of Eric’s relationship with Sara.

  Eric continued, “Unfortunately, we know that existing in a fairy tale state is temporary. But our love is not. And when I reflect back on all of the years that we’ve been together, and all of the good and the bad times we’ve had, I’ve come to realize that, to quote de Bernières, ‘love itself is what’s left over when being in love has burned away.’ And my life would be incomplete without that love, our love, in it. Sara, you are an incredible woman and I will love you forever.” By the time Eric finished his monologue, he too, was in tears.

  A few sniffles arose from the audience as Sara held Eric’s hand and, unprepared, began to speak, “Eric, I’m amazed with all that you’ve done to make this day special for us. And you’ve done so much, so selflessly for me during the last several months. I love that you selected that quote. It’s very fitting for our story. Ghandi once said that ‘where there is love, there is life’. And quite certainly we have been blessed in our life together so far. I look forward to what life has in store for our future.”

  “I believe we have some rings?” the officiant suggested.

  Eric pulled a platinum wedding band from the breast pocket of his suit and placed it in Sara’s hand. They exchanged their new wedding rings, further committing to each other and the officiant completed the ceremony by saying, “May you always need one another, not to fill an emptiness, but to help each other know your fullness. May you want one another, but not out of lack. May you embrace one another, but not encircle one another. May you succeed in all-important ways with each other, and not fail in the little graces. May you have happiness, and may you find it in making one another happy. May you have love, and may you find it in loving one another.”

  ----------

  Jude sat at the end of the sectional in his living room, blankly staring at the muted television that rotated through a series of photos stored on his appleTV library. He poured himself a second glass of Syrah and sipped, attempting to relive in his mind the exquisite sensations that consumed his consciousness the day before when he and Sara made love. For a fleeting moment, he thought about masturbating but decided against it, as it would be sinful to waste himself in Sara’s absence. Instead he wondered what Sara was doing at that very moment. An audible gurgle arose from Jude’s stomach. He’d not eaten much that day and it was already well past his typical dinner time. He swirled another generous sip of wine in his mouth and swallowed hard. God, I hope they’re not having sex. The thought of Sara and Eric intimately together didn’t usually bother Jude because he knew that Sara’s heart belonged to him. But despite the intensity of their passion when they last met, Jude became depressed that Eric’s new found devotion to her would sway her to stay with him for good.

  Jude walked over to the buffet in the dining area and retrieved the framed photo that was taken after Sara and Jude’s graduation. The happiness and youth in her face was refreshing to see, but as he touched the frame an ache suddenly shot through his heart, dismantling the joyful feeling he’d had. It was Sara’s heart. Jude’s unique ability provided him with a glimpse into the feelings of Sara’s heart, and in that moment he felt her renewed love for Eric. His heart ached with the realization that perhaps Sara’s heart no longer belonged to his. Jude dropped the frame like it was a hot potato and it fell face down on the floor, shattering the glass.

  “Oww!” he shrieked. A large shard of glass sliced the tip of Jude’s finger as he tried to clean up the broken frame. Blood dripped from his finger like a leaky faucet, leaving a trail of droplets on the hardwood floor as he jogged into the kitchen to grab a paper towel. He ran his finger under cold water until the bleeding appeared to slow.

  Jude’s head spun. So distracted by the hazy feeling he had, Jude left the mess of the broken picture frame on the floor and returned to his glass of vino in the living room. His eyes became heavy as he continued to indulge in drink. He couldn’t rid himself of the painful sensation that struck him upon looking at the photo of Sara. Eventually, he drifted off to sleep.

  Standing at the edge of the playground, Jude called for Julianna. The dream was different than the last one Jude had. There was no ball; no screeching SUV
. The playground was empty except for Jude and Julianna. He pushed her on a swing that was much like the metal swing in the park at the end of the road in Sara’s neighborhood. Julianna was a little bit older in this dream. She was seven, maybe eight years old. She giggled as Jude pushed her higher and higher, as if she was about to touch the white clouds in the deep blue sky. Her light blue sundress seemed to float with her as she swung, until she jumped off the swing while in mid-air and landed firmly on her feet.

  “See, daddy! I told you I could do it!” Julianna chided with excitement.

  Proudly grinning, Jude affirmed, “Great job, sweetie. I knew you could!”

  Julianna skipped away from Jude toward a neatly landscaped patch of white tulips and blue hyacinth. Jude followed after her.

  The puffy, white clouds suddenly become gray, turning day into a night-like setting. As if from nowhere, Sara appeared beside Julianna.

  “Sara?” Jude called out for her, but she did not acknowledge him. He called for her again, “Sara!”

  “It’s time to go now, Julianna,” Sara suggested.

  “No! Julianna!” Jude called for her, “Come back to me.”

  “She’s not yours to keep, Jude.” Sara hollered to him as the distance between them appeared to be increasing. “She’s not yours to keep,” she repeated, this time in an almost angry tone.

  Confused, Jude began to run toward them, but with every step he took he seemed to travel backward.

  A loud boom awoke Jude from his nightmare. The noise was followed by the clanking of metal along a cement floor. It sounded like it came from his garage. A bit disoriented, Jude arose from the sofa and slowly walked toward the garage door. He pulled a broom from the closet next to the kitchen and tentatively opened the garage door. “Who’s out there?” he called.

  Silence.

  “Anybody out there?”

  No one answered. He flicked the garage lights on to find that the garage door had been left open, and the bin full of metal recyclables had been knocked on the floor. Tin cans and used, scrunched up foil were scattered along the back of the garage near some utility shelving. Stupid animals, Jude thought before tapping the garage door close button and heading back into the living room where he sat on the sofa thinking about the significance of his dream. She’s not yours to keep. Sara’s voice boomed in his head. Jude wondered if, somehow, Sara was trying to tell him that she was not the one for his soul to have. Before polishing off the last of the bottle, Jude remembered the last sensation he’d felt when he gazed at her photo, and then passed out on the couch.

  24. A Promise Kept

  The following Wednesday, Sara and Eric arrived home from their long weekend getaway in the Adirondack Mountains. Their romantic adventure turned out to be a series of long conversations about how they’d lost the passion in their marriage, followed by deeply connected intercourse, hikes around the lake and imbibing in superb wine paired with elegant culinary dishes. Sara felt as if her happiness was more important to Eric than anything. And for the first time in a very long time, the feeling was mutual.

  Much like a bottle of wine ages and improves slowly with time, since the accident Sara’s heart had slowly grown to belong to Eric’s. By the time they arrived home from their trip, Sara had come to understand that the all-consuming love she’d felt for Jude was faded, but not entirely gone. In true Sara fashion, she once again became the master of compartmentalizing her feelings and discerned that her renewed commitment to Eric meant that she would have to end the affair with Jude for good.

  After a nearly two-month leave of absence, Eric returned to work the following morning. Once he’d left the house, Sara texted Jude and asked if they could meet at his townhouse during the lunch hour. Jude agreed.

  Sara left Jake with Grace at the house and told them she had a few errands to run and would be back in a couple of hours. Her stomach churned as she left the house that morning knowing that her mission would leave her and Jude each with a bruised and broken heart.

  The driveway and garage of Jude’s townhouse were empty when Sara arrived. As usual, she unlocked the front door and entered using the key that Jude had given her, what seemed like a lifetime ago. She walked into the kitchen and placed the key softly on the counter. Overwhelmed with fear and sadness and heartache and love, Sara began to weep. We’re soul mates, she thought. She began to have second thoughts about her decision to end the affair, but knew she had to go through with it.

  Sara quietly waited, sitting on the sectional in the living room for about fifteen minutes until Jude finally arrived home. “I’m sorry I’m late. I had a patient that ran over his time at the office and I couldn’t get out of there right away,” Jude apologized all in one breath as he walked through the foyer toward Sara. Though her face was dry, when he got closer to her, he could see that she had been crying. “Sara, what’s wrong?” he asked, worried, and immediately embraced her as she arose from the couch.

  With his arms wrapped around her, Jude’s heart suddenly wrenched with pain. He didn’t require an explanation from Sara at that point, as he knew what her heart was feeling. Sara pulled away from Jude so that she could kiss him gently on the cheek. She took a small step back and saw the look of desperation and grief in his eyes. Jude could not hide the emptiness he felt at the thought of losing the one woman his heart would have.

  “I’m sorry,” Sara said so softly Jude could barely hear her.

  Reaching for her hand, Jude weakly interlaced just the tips of their fingers and shook his head, “God, I hate this. Please don’t say goodbye.”

  “Jay… I don’t…” she paused as she fought back tears and the urge to abandon her plan, and she continued, “I don’t want to say goodbye. It’s just that, I made a promise. And Eric has changed. Our life together now is more complete and…”

  “It’s okay,” Jude interrupted. “You don’t have to explain. I just wish there was a way for us to… I thought that this was finally our time to be together. I wish I understood what His plan was for me. For us.”

  Sara smiled sadly through tear laden eyes, “Yeah, me too.”

  Jude always knew that there was the possibility that the affair would end, leaving him alone. Of course, he’d hoped it wouldn’t, but wanted their ending to be as amicable as possible. Despite his grief, he thought for a long moment and carefully considered his final words to her. With his heart aching, Jude managed to remain somewhat composed and finally said, “When we first had coffee together, you told me that all you really wanted was for Eric to pay attention to you and put you and the kids first; to show his love. Now you have that. He’s head over heels for you again. You have everything you’ve ever wanted laid out in front of you. Who am I to get in the way of giving you exactly what you’d been wanting this whole time, right?”

  “Jude, I’m so sorry. You tried to warn me not to get involved. But I did. I’ve ruined us both.”

  “No. You haven’t. You need to know that I wouldn’t trade a single hour or minute or second of the time we’ve spent with each other for anything in this entire world. And, Sara… for what it’s worth, I still believe you’re my soul mate, whatever that may mean. I hope you know that I’ll always love you.”

  “Yeah… I know. Me too, Jay. Me too,” Sara said as she released her hand from his, wiped away a stray tear from her cheek with the back of her hand, and walked out of Jude’s townhouse for the last time.

  Epilogue

  It was Mother’s Day. Sara had not spoken with Jude since she last left his townhouse nearly one month ago. The sun shined brightly on the east side of the house that morning. As instructed by Eric, Sara sat comfortably outside on the stamped concrete patio in a wrought iron chair, which was padded with a navy and white striped cushion. Uncertain of how long it would take for Eric to bring Lexi and Jake outside with a special Mother’s Day breakfast, Sara brought with her a cup of coffee, her cell phone and the journal that Jude had given her on the day of her discharge from the hospital and placed them on a matching
patio table beside her chair. She reached for the cup of coffee and took a sip while she waited.

  Sara’s cell phone rattled on the table. She looked at the screen displaying the caller ID, which read “CMPGN HDQRTS D.EAGLESTONE.” Politics already? Sara scowled. It wasn’t a typical election year but Sara knew there would be a special Congressional election in Massachusetts. Still, that election wouldn’t be held until November and it was a bit early for political phone calls. Annoyed, Sara swiped her phone to decline the call and placed it back on the table. She opened the empty journal and began to fill its first pages.

  To have loved once and let go, is to always wonder in your heart.

  They say the heart remembers. Although I believe that a piece of my heart will always belong with Jude, my heart remembers now how I once fell in love with Eric. I’ve fallen in love with him again.

  Jude is my soul mate, no doubt. But perhaps soul mates aren’t always meant to be together. Some people say that timing is everything and that ‘everything happens for a reason.’ It seems as though the timing has never been right for us. Perhaps in another lifetime it will be…

  Sara was deep in thought when she suddenly heard the sound of the glass patio door sliding open along its track. She quickly closed her journal and looked up to watch as Lexi came barreling out through the open doorway onto the patio with a huge grin on her face. Clearly she was pleased with her Mother’s Day offering for Sara, which she carried haphazardly in her hands.

  “Mommy! Mommy! Look what I made for you!” exclaimed Lexi as she pushed onto the table a terra cotta pot that was hand painted with white flowers and pink hearts. The pot was filled with soil and a spray of tiny red daisies, Sara’s favorite flower.

  “Oh sweetheart! They’re beautiful! Did you paint this all by yourself?” Sara questioned.

  “Uh huh,” Lexi replied.