“If this is all we can have, we will have to make do,” she murmured, wondering how she was going to get herself out of the fix, and knowing there was no way to do it. She couldn’t stop loving Broken Feather, and she couldn’t get out of her marriage, and even if she could, she and Broken Feather could never have a life together where people wouldn’t be shunning them. Broken Feather was right, what did she plan to do after she had Jason’s child? It would be her child too!
“You know, once I conceive, it wouldn’t matter if we shared each other’s bodies,” she murmured, trying to push her worried thoughts aside, and think about being with Broken Feather. “Then there would be no risk of having a child with you.”
“That is true,” Broken Feather murmured, more caught up in what he was doing than listening to her, though.
“So, perhaps the sooner I get with child, the sooner we could be together like this again.”
“So, what are you saying?” he asked, leaning up on his elbow and looking down on her to focus better.
“No one knows when a woman may conceive. The more often she is with a man, the more chance she has at conceiving. I had planned to keep Jason at arm’s length, only being with him once a month, thinking I could spend more time with you. Now I am thinking that if I couple with him more often, I would get a child sooner, and then you and I could be closer and not worry about it being your child.”
“This is not looking good, Vanessa. Besides, it is not natural.”
“Ha! Men have mistresses all the time, using them when they are not with their wives. It is the same thing, only it is the other way around now!”
“You have a unique way of looking at things,” Broken Feather laughed.
“So what do you think of my plan?” she asked.
“Thinking of you in Jason’s arms more often is not a pleasant thought to me.”
“Only once I discover if I am going to have his child, he will have to keep his word and not touch me anymore. Then I will be all yours, as often as we can manage it.”
“I wish you were all mine without him. You could leave him and come to Mexico with me and nothing could be done about it.”
“If you want me, it has to be this way,” Vanessa said stubbornly. “I am a southern-born lady. It is bad enough I have to live on a cattle ranch. I could never live like an Indian, regardless of me falling in love with one. Besides, you don’t even have a tribe. The Seminoles won’t accept you as one of them. You are considered no more than a Maroon!”
Broken Feather sat up abruptly. “I think we had better get back,” he said, trying to keep his sudden anger at her words down. It wasn’t her fault, but the blunt reminder hurt. “I will stay for now, Vanessa, but I can’t share you with another man indefinitely. Once you have your child, I am leaving. Then you will have to choose if you wish to come with me and leave your child behind, so Jason can have his heir, or stay with Jason to raise it together, but you can’t have it both ways!”
Vanessa watched as Broken Feather pulled his denims on and then she got up and got dressed too. The magic seemed to be broken. It was going to be too hard to cling to Broken Feather and remain married to Jason, but at the moment, she didn’t think she had any other choice. She decided she would follow through with her plan, though, so once she knew she was with child, she could have Broken Feather completely, and he would change his mind about staying with her, even after she had her child. The thought of him leaving her was too painful. Something would come up in the meantime, she kept telling herself.
For the next three days, Broken Feather was always too busy to spend time with Vanessa and she knew he was avoiding her on purpose, to make her see reason. Only at this point, she was in too deep. For all she knew she was already carrying Jason’s child, and hoped she could not be carrying Broken Feather’s child. Regardless, one way or the other, she would refrain from being with Broken Feather, until she knew she had conceived, which meant she would have to spend more time with Jason in her bed. At least he would be happy, she thought. It would be worth it in the end, she kept telling herself.
Vanessa languished around the house, feeling sorry for herself, wishing Jason was back, since Broken Feather chose to ignore her. She felt bad for Jason, knowing she was in the wrong, but she couldn’t help herself. The situation was the way it was, and nothing could change it unless she gave up either Jason or Broken Feather. However, Broken Feather was in no position to support her, and Jason was. Going to Mexico was not an option. The thought of having to give up Broken Feather in the end, frightened her more than she wanted to admit, though, so she tried to push it all out of her mind.
At least, Broken Feather was willing to stay until after she had her child, and then she would have to make a choice. She shivered at the thought. How could she leave her child behind, and how could she take it away from Jason to go with Broken Feather? Neither solution seemed acceptable.
When Jason returned, Vanessa ran out to greet him, not realizing how excited she felt to have him back. The truth was she was lonely, and Broken Feather did not help her forlorn disposition. He was trying to force her to make the decision he wanted her to make, and she was feeling just as stubborn about his choices for her, as she had felt about Jason’s choices. Only she was certain that when she was able to let Broken Feather make love to her again, everything would change, and he would be willing to remain at her side, no matter what.
“You seem happy to see me,” Jason smiled as he got down from his horse, while the others drove the cattle out to the pasture.
“The truth is, I have been bored while you were gone. I thought maybe Broken Feather would keep me company, but he was far too busy to bother with me.” She looked up at him through her lowered lashes, giving him a hint of a smile.
“Is that so?” he asked.
“So I hope you are willing to entertain me,” she said, braving a steady glance, and meeting his eyes. “Maybe then I can discover the man you really are.”
“I wouldn’t mind spending time with you,” Jason smiled. “I could take you on a tour of the ranch and show you the boundaries. It stretches out pretty far. It would probably take all day to do it, so maybe we could start out in the morning, and take a lunch with us.”
“Yes, I think I would like that,” she said eagerly.
“Have you gotten your thoughts straightened out?” he asked, as they began walking together towards the stables to put his horse away.
“Yes. I have been giving everything a lot of thought, and since you are so set on having an heir, I have decided to accommodate you in the matter.” She paused and gave him a sideways-glance, and then continued. “You treated me gently the last time we were together and made sure I was enjoying your advances. Therefore, I will welcome you in my bed until I conceive. Only after that, I wish to have my privacy, until the baby is born.”
Jason stopped and looked down at her. “I suppose I can’t complain too much,” he murmured. “I am glad you are at least trying to give this marriage a chance to grow in the right direction.”
“I know I am not in love with you, but at least I can try to like you a little,” she responded.
“I hope I don’t disappoint you, then. I do want this marriage to work, Vanessa, and I will do anything in my power to make you happy, if that is what it takes.”
It was on the tip of her tongue to ask him to release her from the marriage then, if he wanted her to be happy, but she was not brave enough to suggest it, and she still would not have a place to go, unless Broken Feather was willing to go with her to Louisiana. Only she knew he would not consent to pretend to be her servant because it would bruise his pride too much, and she really didn’t blame him. Only she realized that if she returned to Louisiana with him as her husband, she could possibly be arrested for breaking the law. There was just no way to fulfill either of their desires.
Jason put his horse away, and then took Vanessa’s arm, leading her back to the house. “I am in need of a hot bath, and once I am cleaned up,
we can visit for a bit,” he told her.
Vanessa swallowed hard, and then lifted her head to brave herself. “Perhaps you would wish your wife to assist you in your bath,” she said, looking away for fear he would see how timid she actually felt for suggesting it.
“You continue to surprise me, Vanessa. Of course, you know I would love that. You seem to have improved your outlook on our relationship.”
“I am merely trying,” she murmured.
“Like you thought I was trying to be kind?” he asked. “If you don’t feel comfortable in offering…”
“No, no, it’s not that. It is just that I am new to this, the same as you are. I want to at least put forth a good effort.”
“Well, I suppose this is a start,” and Jason surprised Vanessa by lifting her up in his arms and carrying her into the house and up to his room. “We have hot running water, fed from a spring and running through the cook stove, which is on most of the time because MacGregor is always cooking one thing or another,” he told her as he put her down. “Why don’t you go to the bathroom, down the hall and start the tub? I will join you shortly.”
Before Vanessa could pull away to carry out his suggestion, he brought her into his arms, and kissed her soundly on the mouth. “I have missed you,” he murmured, and then released her.
Vanessa made her way down the hall to the bathroom where a large claw-foot tub filled most of the space. Her thoughts were more confused than ever as she touched her lips, still tingling from Jason’s kiss. She distracted herself by trying the faucet, letting it run until it became warm, before putting in the plug. The steam began to float up, filling the room, and then the door opened, and Jason came in, wearing a robe. He gave Vanessa a smile.
“It is nice to have you here, willing to give me some comfort,” he told her.
Then he let the robe drop around his feet and stepped into the tub. Vanessa could not help but admire his body as she watched him settle himself in the tub, letting out a long sigh, and closing his eyes as the warm water soothed his aching muscles. She liked it that his eyes were closed because then she could look upon him boldly without him making her feel nervous. When the tub finished filling, she reached over to turn off the faucet. As she did, she felt Jason grab her hand, and the next thing she knew, he had pulled her into the tub with him.
Vanessa let out a squeal, and Jason started laughing, refusing to let her up as she floundered around a bit, trying to get out of the tub.
“You looked like you were in the need of a hot bath as well,” Jason chuckled, once she stopped fighting against it.
“Now my clothes are all wet,” she complained, giving him a scolding stare.
“So they are,” he laughed. “I guess we will have to take care of that,” he told her as he started unfastening her dress, and then pulling it up over her head, wringing it out and tossing it in the nearby sink.
He continued removing her under clothes, tossing her shoes on the floor and the rest in the sink with her dress.
“That is much better, he told her, when she lay naked against him. “Now I think you said something about attending to me.” He handed her the soap.
Vanessa sat up, straddling him, as she began to push the soap over his strong chest, letting her fingers trail behind the soap as she worked it over his body. She could feel his excitement growing and then his hands were around her waist, lifting her up and then placing her down over him until he was snuggly where he wanted to be. Jason took the soap from her hands and began smoothing it over her breasts as she slowly began to move against him, giving him the pleasure he was seeking.
The water in the tub sloshed out onto the floor as Vanessa’s passion began to rise yet they were oblivious to everything else but each other. Vanessa realized that she was enjoying the interaction more than she had expected. Her loneliness melted away as she joined in with Jason to draw out more pleasure between them. Now all she wanted was to respond and enjoy the moment, forgetting all of her worries, trying to find some joy in her situation and not being disappointed when she managed to find it.
When their breathing slowed, Jason turned Vanessa in the tub beside him, and began kissing her mouth, deepening the kiss, pulling her lower lip into his mouth and savoring the taste of it. Vanessa found herself welcoming the feel of his mouth on hers, wanting more of his kisses, telling herself this was the way she was going to encourage him to cause her to conceive all the sooner, and then… She did not finish the thought. She was enjoying everything too much to think about a time when this would all end and then she could be with Broken Feather again in this way.
Her heart was torn. She could feel herself becoming more entangled with Jason than she had planned to be. Only she knew she could never give Broken Feather up. Not even now that she was starting to enjoy Jason’s company… not ever, she told herself.
Her time like this with Jason would soon end, once she conceived, and then all her focus could be turned to the man she really loved, she assured herself, only the feel of Jason’s lips on her filled her thoughts at the moment. Broken Feather would just have to be patient.
CHAPTER SEVEN
The bright morning Texas sun streamed down on Vanessa and Jason as they rode out over the countryside that was a part of Jason’s ranch. Vanessa looked around her, starting to marvel at all the property that her husband owned. She thought about how Broken Feather had claimed that Jason was probably a wealthy rancher and she should appreciate the fact. Vanessa was starting to appreciate more than just the fact that Jason had a large spread and could provide well for her.
Her thoughts were lingering on the night before, after Jason had lifted her from the tub and brought her to his room. She had convinced herself that her whole purpose in allowing Jason to be with her was to hasten the inviable outcome of the exchange. However, the way she was beginning to enjoy it made her stop and examine the possibility of a more pleasurable motivation behind her submission to him. She was torn between feeling guilty and wishing to please Jason. Yet at the same time, she was strangely pleasing herself as well.
“You seem deep in thought,” Jason said, bringing her out of her introspection.
“I am just trying to get used to all of this. My life has been turned upside down ever since my great aunt died, and now here I am in a strange part of the country, married to a man I barely know.”
“You didn’t seem to object to getting to know me better last night,” he smiled at her.
Vanessa was silent for a moment, and then smiled. “It was rather enjoyable,” she had to admit. “Yet I feel guilty, since I don’t know you well enough to know how I feel about you yet.”
“At least you do not detest me, like you seemed to do, when Broken Feather brought you back. It gives me hope that you will learn to love me, eventually.”
“Perhaps by the time we have a child, I will feel more secure in our relationship,” she half promised, knowing it would be the moment of truth and she would have to decide what she was going to do by then. Only it seemed so far off at the moment, she decided not to worry about it.
“Speaking of Broken Feather,” Jason said, “I am very impressed with him. He seems to have a way with horses that none of my other hands have. I am glad he offered to work on the ranch.”
“Yes, he has many talents,” Vanessa murmured.
“I feel a little safer as well, since he has proven he knows how to handle the Comanche, and is a pretty good shot with that rifle of his.”
“He saved my father’s life a couple of times during skirmishes with renegade Indians. I am sure he knows what he is doing when it comes to outwitting his own kind.”
“I have heard of the success of the Indian scouts, which makes it sad that the government wouldn’t come through with their promise to the Black Seminoles.”
“It seems the government has a hard time keeping any promises they make to any Indians, Black Seminole or not,” Vanessa responded.
“I will have to pay him well for his services,” Jason tol
d her, “so he will remain with us for a long time.”
Vanessa didn’t answer, knowing that once she had Jason’s baby, either Broken Feather would leave both of them, or she would be leaving Jason with Broken Feather. She didn’t like thinking about either outcome, so she changed the subject.
“I was thinking that since there is not much for me to do in running the household, I should start a flower garden. We had a lovely little garden I tended when I was in Louisiana. It would help occupy my time when you are busy with the ranch and cattle. And it would be nice if you could get a piano. I noticed you didn’t have one, and I do so love to play.”
“I think those are great ideas,” Jason smiled. “I would love to hear you play the piano, and if you had your own little flower garden, it would make you feel the ranch is as much yours as it is mine.”
Vanessa laughed. “You know full well that men own everything including their wives,” she said. “You even told me you owned me, don’t you remember?”
“Even so, it doesn’t mean we can’t share the enjoyment of the ranch together, along with our family that you will soon produce for us. I will look into getting a piano at my first opportunity. I want you to feel comfortable here, Vanessa. I was so upset when you ran off, I felt like a total failure as a husband. I promise not to treat you as though I own you in the future.”
“In that case, I won’t be running off any time soon,” she laughed.
“I never want you to run off at all,” he told her. “Your father would never forgive me if I made you feel unwelcome in your own home, now that you are my wife. I hope we can both adjust to each other so there will not be friction between us.”
“Sometimes it is easier said than done. I doubt I will make a totally acceptable wife, considering I have never had any experience at how to be a wife, let alone an obedient one. I am rather independent in my ways, having been an only child, growing up.”
Broken Feather Page 12