Lonely Souls

by Rosemary Fifield

  “I love you, Cassie,” he whispered softly. “I want to take care of you.”

  Cassie snuggled against him with a little sigh of contentment, and her sleepy voice came from a distant dream. “I love you, too, Shane. Good night.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Grant needed someone to talk to. His heart was aching, and he was thoroughly confused. He couldn’t keep it inside, but whom could he trust? He had considered going directly to Shane, but part of what he needed to talk about was Cassie’s being raped. If he went to Marcia, who knew all about the rape, he couldn’t discuss his concerns over Cassie’s infatuation with Shane. He had no right to discuss either with Shelby, and he couldn’t think of anyone else. Even Corey had flashed through his mind as a possibility, for he felt she would be impartial and he could trust her to be discreet. But he knew he couldn’t breach the trust both Cassie and Shane had in him. So, he sat in his truck while he waited for Larry and pondered his dilemma once more.

  He had asked Cassie over breakfast how she felt about Shane, hoping she would laugh off her comment of the night before as totally absurd. Instead, she had pushed her egg around the plate and finally told him she was sorry, but she was in love with Shane. He had asked her then if Shane knew this or if he had ever encouraged her, and she had reacted angrily, saying it really wasn’t any of his business. She had apologized immediately, then she had said it was time she went back to the farm. On the way over, she had apologized again, saying she cared a lot about Grant but she couldn’t help how she felt about Shane. She reminded him about his promise regarding Blake, then kissed him on the cheek and went into the old farmhouse. Now he sat in the parking area waiting for Larry wondering what to do next.

  Larry, of course, was the last person he would ever tell anything that needed to remain confidential. Perhaps that very lack in their relationship was why Grant had taken so easily to having man-to-man talks with Shane. Shane had always impressed him as someone serious and mature who would not compromise his convictions or breach a trust. Grant appreciated the man’s introspective nature and quiet ways. The realization that Shane was bisexual hadn’t changed that.

  A knock on the truck window brought Grant back to the present. Shane was standing outside, his pale eyes trained on Grant’s face, waiting for him to roll down the window. “Have you got time to go to the diner for a cup of coffee?”

  Grant stared down at him. “I don’t know. Larry should be here any minute. What’s up?”

  “Not much. I just haven’t talked to you for a while.”

  Grant considered the invitation for a long moment, then shook his head. “I really can’t.”

  Shane’s unsmiling eyes were riveted to Grant’s face. “I think we need to talk. What time will you be done in the woods?”

  “Around four. But I could meet you at noon. Larry usually goes home for lunch, and I just eat wherever.”

  “Sounds good. See you then.” He turned away from the truck and crossed the yard to the barn. Grant watched him go, wondering what Cassie had said when she went into the house. Or was it possible Shane was upset because she had not come home last night? He was bisexual after all; could it be he was interested in Cassie? Grant sighed. How did he always manage to get himself involved with women who messed up his life?

  Shane entered the diner wearing a denim jacket over a white turtleneck and tight blue denim jeans. His general slimness made the fullness of his curly blond afro seem all the more pronounced, and several people turned to watch him come in. The women looked him over with admiration, their eyes inevitably settling on his perfectly sculpted face, then running the length of his body once more, checking him out as though he were a movie star. Grant watched the scene with bitter amusement, painfully aware of the irony. No doubt Cassie looked at the man the same way.

  He spotted Grant in the corner booth and slid in across from him. The waitress dropped off menus and retreated behind the counter once more. Shane put the menu face down on the table and waited for Grant to read his. The waitress returned and took their orders: coffee for Shane, chili and hot cider for Grant. She left, and Grant sat waiting, his elbows on the table and his eyes on Shane’s.

  “I want to talk to you about Cassie,” Shane said without preamble. “I think we both have a problem.”

  “Both as in …”

  “You and me. I assume you care a lot for her.”

  Grant sat back against the booth’s faux leather surface as he continued to stare at Shane . “What’s the problem?”

  “The problem is, I’m afraid she’s … infatuated. With me.”

  “I know that.”

  Shane was obviously surprised. “You do?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m really sorry, Grant,” Shane said, shaking his head. “I’ve never done anything to make her think it’s reciprocal, believe me.”

  “I know that, too.”

  The waitress set Shane’s coffee in front of him and smiled into his eyes as she offered him sugar and cream.

  “Neither, thanks,” he said, then turned back to Grant. “I’m glad you realize this is all in her head. I was afraid you’d assume I had taken advantage of our living arrangements.”

  The waitress approached once more and Grant waited until she had set his order in front of him and gone before he answered. “So how did you find out?”

  “I’ve suspected it for a while, but this morning when she came in she made a point of taking me aside and assuring me that her night at your place had been strictly on the up and up.”

  Grant felt his jaw tighten, but he did not respond.

  “I said I really didn’t think that was any of my business and she could do as she pleased, and she reacted as if I were angry instead of disinterested. She … gave me this big hug and said … she loved me.”

  Grant turned to look out the window in disgust.

  “Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you all this, but I thought you’d want to know.”

  “So what did you say?”

  “I just kind of pried her off and said I was flattered, but my life revolves around Shelby. I didn’t know what else to say. I thought she’d run off and cry or something, but she acted like she didn’t hear me or else she didn’t believe it. She just smiled and then walked away as if nothing happened.”

  “She knows you and Shelby don’t sleep together.”

  Shane sighed. “I’m moving out to the barn as soon as possible, but I’m not sure that’s going to help. I really don’t want to avoid Shelby, and I’d rather not eat my own cooking.”

  “Shelby sits with you at mealtimes, right, even though she doesn’t eat?”

  “Usually. Sometimes she eats with us if it’s something like a sandwich. Why?”

  “I was just thinking it would be asking for trouble if you and Cassie ate alone at every meal.”

  “We don’t, but still we’re both there like we’re playing house. Plus Shelby can’t see Cassie’s face, so Cassie feels free to show what she’s thinking.”

  “So why don’t you just tell her the truth?”

  Shane gave Grant a look of annoyance. “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “She’s not exactly a sophisticated, worldly person. I doubt she’s had a lot of exposure to homosexuality.”

  “So what’s the alternative?”

  “I don’t know. I was hoping you’d know.”

  “Does Shelby know about this?”

  “No.”

  “Maybe you should discuss it with her. She wouldn’t react against Cassie for … her feelings, would she?”

  “No. She’s crazy about her.”

  “What if she told Cassie the truth? Or don’t you want Cassie to know?”

  “How do you think she’d handle it?”

  Grant shook his head. “I really don’t know.” He stirred his chili and watched it steam. “Have the two of you ever talked about her pregnancy?”

  “In what way?”

  “Like how it happened? Above and beyond
the obvious.”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you know who the father is?”

  Shane took a sip of his coffee and grimaced. “God, this stuff is awful. I don’t know what to say, Grant. She told me in confidence. Or rather, I should say I guessed.”

  “You guessed? How?”

  “The man’s name came up in another context, and she reacted, and I guessed.”

  Grant nodded. “Well, he came on to her last night at the dance we went to.”

  Shane startled him by giving a short, barking laugh. “He what? The man’s dead!”

  “Who’s dead?”

  “Dawson’s father.”

  They stared at each other in momentary confusion.

  “Dawson’s father?” Grant said at last. “She told me it was Blake!”

  Shane’s eyes widened. “What the hell?”

  “You said you guessed. Did she say it was Nate?”

  Shane sat quietly for a moment. “I don’t remember. I guess maybe she reacted first, and then when she said it wasn’t true, I didn’t believe her. But of course, she’d rather have me think it was the old man than Blake. She was raped, wasn’t she, or was that a different story, too?”

  “She says she was, and I believe her.”

  Shane looked stunned. “Blake. And to think I’ve been paying that bastard to hang around my house for the past three months! Him and his half-breed brother.”

  Grant did not like the reference to Dawson, but he let it go for Shane was obviously upset. Instead, he simply said, “Sonny doesn’t know. You realize that.”

  “Then I think he should be told. If he knocks off Blake and ends up in jail, so much the better.”

  Now Grant was angry. “And why is that?”

  “The man’s a menace.”

  “To whom? I’ve never seen Sonny pick a fight or hurt anyone who wasn’t trying to hurt him first.”

  “He lost his license for DWI. Drunk drivers kill people all the time.”

  “Don’t give me that shit. That’s not what you really mean. What you mean is Sonny’s not a blue-eyed blonde and he’s been coming around to see Shelby.”

  Shane’s eyes narrowed into angry silver slits. “Okay, Grant, that’s enough.”

  “Don’t tell me what’s enough,” Grant said. “Just remember something, Shane. Sonny was here before you were, and he belongs here. So watch what you say about him. And as for your personal problems, I guess you’re going to have to work those out for yourself.”

  Shane slid from the booth without answering, his face a hardened mask. He took the check from the end of the table and walked away with it, stopping at the cash register to leave a five dollar bill before walking out the door.

  Shelby could not concentrate on the words of the audiobook’s narrator; her mind kept wandering from the story line. She turned off the cassette, and sat quietly in the chair trying to determine what was wrong. She had been feeling anxious lately, mildly nervous for no obvious reason, a milder version of the anxiety attacks she used to get the first two years after the accident. She had a sense of foreboding when there was no problem; almost an aching. But for what? Or was it, for whom?

  She had been thinking a lot about Dawson lately, after their ride in the sled. About his low- key manner and his appealing deep voice and the quiet sadness that emanated from him. She wished he would come by again; she wanted to get to know him better, to learn more about him. It had been almost a week now, and she hadn’t heard a word. She feared Shane’s behavior had scared him away, and she didn’t know how to handle that. Or was she being ridiculous, thinking there was any reason for him to want to come by again? He had seemed interested and not put off by her physical problems. Yet what good reason could there be for a full-bodied young man to pursue a disfigured, crippled woman? Her money? A possibility. Most likely he didn’t have much of his own.

  She sighed and started the book once more, but it no longer interested her. Sometimes this whole thing was so unbearable, and she wondered why she bothered to go on. What kind of a future did she have? Just more horrible unending hours of total darkness, completely out of touch with the normal world, unable to even walk without pain, much less ever do anything more. She wasn’t even a total woman anymore. She could never have children. At times, she couldn’t even bear intercourse. The man who had truly loved her had died beside her in the wreck she was responsible for. His baby had died a few hours later, an innocent little boy she would never see. And she—the cause of it all because of her intolerance toward Kevin’s mother—she had survived to pay for it now. But hadn’t she paid enough yet? How much longer did she have to keep it up?

  “Shelby, can I talk to you?”

  She had not heard Cassie come into the room, and she did not welcome the intrusion on her thoughts. Still, she drew in a breath and said “Sure” as politely as she could. There was no need to put her troubles onto other people.

  “Shelby, are you and Shane really through, or is that just something you said?”

  “Through?” Shelby’s heart skipped a beat. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Remember, you said you were lovers once, but not anymore? That the reasons didn’t matter, but maybe someday we would talk about it?”

  “I remember.”

  “Except that’s not strictly true, is it?”

  “What’s not true?”

  “That you’re not lovers anymore.”

  Shelby felt the color rise in her face. “I guess I have no secrets, do I?” she said irritably.

  “I’m sorry. I … I don’t mean to …” Cassie let out a huge sigh. “Shelby, I’m in love with Shane.”

  “Oh, Jesus.” The words escaped before she had time to think.

  “I’m sorry, Shelby. I know that’s a terrible thing to say to you, but if you’re not really lovers anymore and you’re just sort of … staying together …” Cassie’s voice was rising as though it would crack any moment from the strain of her fear.

  “Calm down. It’s okay.” Shelby drew a deep breath, her mind racing. What in the world was she supposed to say? ”Look, Cassie, I can’t speak for Shane. All I can say is, I do love him, and he loves me. It just doesn’t include sex.”

  “But why not? If you really love each other, and apparently you can do it, why don’t you?”

  Shelby wanted to protest the nature of the question, but the desperation in Cassie’s voice begged for an answer. “Because sometimes sex drives aren’t what they ought to be. Everybody’s different, you know.” She felt like a mother telling her daughter about the birds and the bees.

  “Isn’t that unfair, expecting the other person to live like that?”

  “It’s a choice you make. The person means more than the sex.”

  “But what if … the person with the normal drive needs it? I mean, wouldn’t that person need to get it somewhere else? Isn’t that just fair to let them?”

  Shelby paused as the memory of being in Dawson’s arms flooded through her mind. Was that her problem? Was she simply horny as hell and afraid to admit it? “I suppose so,” she said.

  “And you don’t think that would be wrong?”

  “That’s hard to say. It depends on all the people involved and how they feel about it.”

  “How would you feel about it?”

  “For myself? Shane and I have already discussed it. We realize we each have a right to our private lives.”

  “You do?”

  Shelby was not listening anymore; she was trying to remember the other half of her earlier conversation with Cassie. “I remember now. You said that Dawson wasn’t the father of your baby.”

  “He’s not. Dawson and I have never had sex.”

  A cold stab of fear ran through Shelby. “Is he gay?”

  “Dawson? Jeezum, I don’t think so. He was just afraid I’d get pregnant, that’s all.”

  Shelby was about to remark on the irony of that when she heard the new van pulling into the driveway. “Shane’s back from his drive.”
>
  Cassie rose and left the room, and Shelby sat alone once more. Her mind wandered back over their conversation, and suddenly she realized what had just ensued. Cassie had assumed Shelby had the lowered sex drive and that Shane was the one who might need to get it somewhere else. Poor girl. But it was up to Shane to deal with that problem now. Shelby would no longer run interference for him as she had so many times in the past. It was time he owned up to who and what he was and learned to deal with the consequences.