Yet Another Dreadful Fairy Book

by Jon Etter

  “Which is why we have formed the Brother/Sisterhood of Afflicted and Repressed Fairies,” Wy announced grandly.

  Shade nudged Poor Richard. “Wait, so does that mean they’re—?”

  “Roight!” Wat stamped his foot and raised a fist. “It’s B.A.R.F.’s mission to bring an end to royal tyranny and to return us to free elections and the commonwealth of old!”

  “B.A.R.F.? Really?” Shade shook her head.

  “Could be worse,” Poor Richard observed. “Originally, they wanted to be Fairies Against Royal Tyranny, but I pointed out that that would spell—”

  “Please don’t finish that sentence.”

  “B.A.R.F. ’as been slowly building up amongst the laboring blokes in the cities,” Wat said.

  “Amongst farm folk in country,” Hoo declared.

  “Amongst the servants in the very homes of our oppressors,” Howe added.

  “Even amongst the nobility itself,” finished Wy. “B.A.R.F. is about to cover this land, and we call on you to join the movement.”

  “Because once B.A.R.F. starts to rise, no power in Elfame can keep it down!” Howe crowed.

  The Professor made a disgusted face. Ginch looked up at Shade. “He says that last thing about the B.A.R.F., it leave the bad taste in his mouth.”

  A wrinkled old trow near the front of the crowd raised her hand. “So how are we going to do it?”

  “Of course we are!” Howe replied.

  “What?”

  “Yeah?” replied Wat.

  “No, I was talking to her,” the trow explained.

  “Then why did you say moi name?”

  Wy looked confused. “I didn’t say your name, Wat.”

  “No, oi meant—”

  “Look,” the trow said, “I was just asking how are we going to set up this whole commonwealth thing?”

  “And I said, ‘Of course we are.’” Howe looked over to Baba Ingas. “Are you sure this loudening spell is working?”

  Baba Ingas frowned at the brownie. “Yes, it is. You’re just—okay, let’s try this. I think Auntie Griselda’s asking … for the means by which this commonwealth is going to be established. Right?”

  The trow looked pleased. “Exactly! Why was that so difficult to understand?”

  “Yes, it was because of the confusing way you were asking about it!” an offended-looking Wy huffed. “Honestly!”

  “Anyway,” Hoo said, “to answer thy question, that we’ve not decided yet. I reckon the best route to independence is a work strike. Let’s see ’em try to rule if there’s naught bread nor fish nor fowl for ’em to eat nor mead to drink.”

  “Whereas I believe that peaceful demonstrations and petitions to both courts is what we should try first,” Wy explained.

  “And ’Owe and oi know that nothin’ but outroight revolution will get us our natural-born roights.” Wat crossed his arms and glowered.

  “And when the next war comes, we’ll wait until the two sides have bloodied each other then march in and crush the serpent of the nobility beneath our righteous heel.” Howe gave a triumphant grin.

  “Another war?” Spratling, the kobold jewelry maker, said. “When?”

  “She’s not here,” Wy replied.

  “Who?” asked Spratling.

  Hoo leaned forward. “Aye?”

  Spratling shook his head. “No, I wasn’t talking to you.”

  “Said my name, thou did.”

  “No, I was asking when—”

  “I told you—she’s not here,” Wy sighed.

  “What?”

  “Yeah?” Wat put his hands on his hips.

  “I’m not talking to you.”

  “Then why did you say moi name?”

  Wy looked confused. “I didn’t say your name.”

  “No, oi’m talkin’ to this bloke ’ere.”

  “Then why did you say my name, Wat?”

  “Oi didn’t, Wy. Oi were askin’ this geezer—”

  Spratling held up his hands. “Look, I just asked when—”

  “Wy already told you, she’s not here.” Howe rolled her eyes. “Wen’s off organizing the fishermen and merchant sailors.”

  “Who?”

  “So now thou wants me to speak? Just pick one of us and ask thy question!”

  Spratling buried his face in his hands. “How can I get someone to tell me about this war business?”

  Howe rolled her eyes. “You don’t need to get anyone—I’ll do it myself. You know you could have just come out and asked a direct question.” Spratling began to cry as Howe continued. “My fellow servants and I have heard things. There is a growing number of Seelie nobles pushing for an end to the truce so they can take back full control of Elfame.”

  “And many high-ranking nobles amongst the Sluagh Horde are pressuring Queen Modthryth to do the same,” Wy added.

  “Them greedy thistlepricks is always gonna foight each other for the roight to exploit us,” Wat growled.

  Hoo opened his powerful arms wide. “Aye, that they will until we common folk rise up and demand—”

  Before the dwarf could finish, the door to the courtyard was kicked out of its frame. Through the doorway charged a troop of soldiers, swords drawn. Leading them was a pale elf with heliotrope hair. “In the name of the Seelie Court, you are all under arrest for treason!”

  In which a bushel basket full of puckernuts is delivered …

  All the fairies packed into the Crooked Rook’s courtyard froze in shock and horror, much like your family did when your Uncle Lou had that unfortunate and extremely loud (not to mention pungent) intestinal event immediately after your cousin Montez’s name was read at his high school graduation. Those with quicker wits and steelier nerves glanced about for possible escape routes or makeshift weapons for defense against the deadly bronze swords wielded by Seelie Court soldiers. The soldiers, for their part, seemed all too eager for someone to attempt either fight or flight, especially their leader.

  Just before the scene could take a turn to the tragic, however, a young but imperious voice shouted, “Stand down, Captain Crebarrin!”

  The two hooded figures Shade had noticed before made their way across the courtyard as the crowd parted for them. The violet-haired elf’s lipped curled up into a savage sneer. “Who dares—?”

  “I dare.” One of the fairies pulled back her hood to reveal a pale, delicate elven face and long shimmering white hair streaked with purple.

  Crebarrin’s sneer vanished. “Princess Viola?”

  “I kind of dare too,” said the fairy next to the Seelie princess. He too pushed back his hood. A dark, round-cheeked face peered at the troops. “But I don’t know that a Sluagh prince has quite as much pull with you as Vi does, although you did forget to bow.”

  Crebarrin and the other troops hastily bowed to the two young elves. “Apologies, Your Royal Highness … -es, but we did not recognize you.”

  “That was kind of the point,” Prince Beow said, his dark eyes twinkling with mirth.

  Crebarrin straightened up. “Yes, well, with your permission, we’ll do our duty and arrest this lot of treasonous—”

  “You’ll do no such thing,” Viola commanded. “There will be no arrests made this evening.”

  Crebarrin’s face flushed. “But, your Highness, these fairies are plotting a revolution.”

  Members of the crowd either exchanged troubled looks or took a sudden interest in their shoes. Even Viola and Beow looked at a loss for words. Shade, before she knew what she was doing, blurted out, “No we aren’t.”

  All the soldiers’ eyes locked on her. “Then what are you doing here?”

  “Am oi doin’—” Wat started to say before Baba Ingas clapped her hand over his mouth.

  “Um … well … we’re here … we’re here because—” Shade stammered. She looked down to Ginch, who gestured for her to continue. She pointed at Ginch. “You know, I think my friend can explain it better than me.”

  With the soldiers’ attention now focused
on him, Ginch straightened up, tucked one hand in his pocket, and regarded the nails of the other with an air of utter nonchalance. “So, you look for the rebellutionaries, eh?”

  Crebarrin nodded. “We do.”

  “Well, so do we.”

  Crebarrin’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

  “Why, we’re-a the spies.”

  “You’re spies?”

  “Sure, we’re-a the spies! Hey paisan, show him you’re-a the spy.” Ginch patted the Professor on the arm. The Professor gave a salute and pulled out and put on a fake beard and dark glasses. Next he took out a cane and tin cup with “I can’t see because I’m wearing sunglasses at night. Please help.” printed on it, which he held upside down. “Now you tell me he no look like the master of the disguise.”

  “Oh, come on! That disguise wouldn’t fool a child,” Crebarrin scoffed.

  Ginch shook his head. “We no try to fool the child—we try to fool the rebellutionaries. We go all around and we say to the people, ‘Hey, you wanna have the rebellution?’ And if they say yes, then we grab ’em and lock ’em up.”

  “Yeah.” Shade nodded emphatically. “We’re all here for a … training and strategy meeting. You know, so we can root out any no-good thistlepricks who don’t love our Seelie and Sluagh leaders. Right, everybody?”

  Shade looked out beseechingly over the crowd, who stared at her blankly. No one said anything. A cricket chirped. Finally, someone near the back hesitantly answered: “Right?”

  “Um, yeah.”

  “Sure. That’s … that’s why we’re here.”

  “Spy stuff. Yep.”

  “Roight,” Wat said from up on the stage. “Oi mean, ’oo would want a representational government or anything loike that?”

  Hoo waved his hands in front of him. “Nay! I’d want naught o’ that! Why’re thou tryin’ to get me in trouble?”

  “No! I didn’t even say anything,” Wy objected.

  “I didn’t mean thee, Wy. I meant—”

  “Well I for one think that every fairy should—ow!” Howe rubbed the arm that Wy had just pinched. “Why did you do that?”

  “I did do that.” Wy smiled at the soldiers as Howe glared at her. “I’m sorry, officers. My servant gets a bit confused—old age has not been kind to her mind—but she can still be a valuable asset in our fight against democratic reform.”

  The Seelie soldiers, uncertain, looked to their commander. “I don’t believe a word of this. We have it on very good authority that this is a meeting of treasonous revolutionaries.”

  “Well, Captain, I, your princess, am telling you that these are a bunch of counterrevolutionary spies that Prince Beow and I have assembled in defense of the realm.”

  Beow smiled smugly. “I’m assuming that our authority is probably better than whatever ‘very good’ authority sent you on this wild goose chase. It wasn’t my mother or her uncle that told you about this, was it?”

  “No,” Crebarrin muttered through gritted teeth.

  “Then I think we’re done here, don’t you?” Beow reached out and patted the commander on his shoulder. He shrank from the prince’s touch.

  Viola gave Crebarrin as soothing smile. “Even though your actions this evening put our plan in some jeopardy, I do believe your heart was in the right place and I must commend you for your enthusiastic defense of the Seelie Court. The next time my uncle meets with the war council, I will be sure to speak highly of you. For now, however, you and your men will depart in as quiet a manner as possible and say nothing of this to anyone so as not to further compromise our efforts here.”

  Crebarrin bowed grudgingly. “Yes, Your Royal Highness. Troops—we have our orders. Depart.”

  “Quietly,” Beow said.

  “Yes, my lord.” Crebarrin replied.

  “Very quietly,” Beow added just as Crebarrin was about to take a step.

  “Yes, my lord.”

  “Like little tiny mice. In their stocking feet. Who are—hey!” Beow turned to Viola, who had just smacked his arm with the back of her hand.

  “You are all excused,” Viola told the relieved-looking soldiers, who all exited quickly and quietly.

  “You are no fun,” Beow told Viola.

  “I am so much fun. You just don’t know when to stop. Come on, let’s go talk to Hoo, Wat, Wy, and Howe and make sure they know we’re on their side and see what we can do to help.”

  “Wait.” Shade hopped down. “Why are you on their side?”

  “Because they’re right,” Beow answered matter-of-factly.

  “We can’t pretend that it’s okay for people like us to boss them around just because of who are parents are,” Viola explained.

  “Especially when we know that power was stolen from the people by our ancestors.” Beow pulled a copy of The Fairy Chronicle from his cloak. “And that a government of fairies by fairies for fairies can work.”

  “And we have you to thank for it,” Viola said. “If you hadn’t rescued this book, we’d never have known the truth. You’re a hero, Shade.”

  Shade blushed. “I’m not a hero. I’m just a librarian.”

  “Who says you can’t be both?” Beow smiled at Shade. Viola nudged him and nodded her head toward Shade. The smile was replaced by a look of embarrassment. “Oh, right. Um, listen, I’m glad we ran into you because I’ve got a … well, there’s this thing I have to … You know, I really should … go. Here!”

  Beow pulled out a black envelope sealed with red wax. He thrust it into her hands and dashed into the crowd. Viola then handed Shade a green envelope sealed with white wax. “I’ve got one for you too. I’m really sorry.”

  Shade watched, puzzled, as Viola slipped off. Then she opened the envelopes.

  “’Ey, whatta you got, little Sprootshade?” Ginch asked as he and the Professor looked over her shoulders at the two pieces of parchment in her hands.

  “Puckernuts,” Shade muttered. “A whole bushel basket full of puckernuts. That’s what.”

  In which Shade receives some much-needed etiquette lessons …

  “Here!” Shade shoved the two envelopes at François Marie the gargoyle and Émilie Tonnelier the white stone woman, the Grand Library’s head librarians, as soon as they stepped into the library’s dining hall for breakfast the next morning.

  “It would appear zat you ’ave received ze royal invitation from King Julius of ze Seelie Court,” François said between sips from his ever-present coffee cup.

  “And a royal summons from Queen Modthryth of the Sluagh Horde,” Émilie said, tucking the invitation back in the black envelope and holding it out to Shade.

  “Don’t give that thing back to me—I don’t want it.”

  “I’m afraid you’ll have to take it back,” Émilie insisted, placing it in Shade’s hand. “You’ll need to show it to the guards when you arrive at Ande-Dubnos for your meeting with the queen.”

  “I’m not going.”

  “I am afraid you are,” François said, holding out the green envelope. “You cannot ignore ze royal summons.”

  “The donkle I can’t. Look, I—Hey, what are you doing here?” Shade asked Ginch and the Professor as they walked in with plates heaped with food.

  “What’s it look like? We have-a the breakfast,” Ginch replied. The Professor nodded in agreement before tossing a handful of grapes into the air and catching each one expertly in his mouth.

  “That’s not a … I … Okay, you two, later,” Shade said. The Professor saluted her with a sausage as she turned back to the librarians. “Look, I can’t go. You need me here to—”

  “Oh, ze rest of us will manage fine wizout you,” François assured her.

  “No, but, you see, I’ve got these projects—”

  “That can surely wait, my dear.” Émilie placed a smooth marble hand on her shoulder. “It is a great honor to be invited to meet with a king or queen!”

  “Why, ze way you find ze excuses, it is as if you do not wish to go.”

  Shade could
feel her face getting hot. “I don’t!”

  François and Émilie’s stone faces were studies in bafflement. “But why? Does not every child grow up dreaming of an opportunity like this?”

  “Not me. Haven’t you noticed that I never go anywhere, even though all I have to do is walk through a doorway and I can be in anywhere in Elfame?”

  François nodded. “We ’ad noticed.”

  “That’s because I’m not interested in going anywhere. All I’ve ever wanted was a quiet life surrounded by books, which I’ve got right here. What goes on out there is of no interest to me.”

  A look of amused sadness filled Émilie’s eyes. “I am afraid it is not that simple. Books can offer us comfort and guidance and even temporary escape, but they cannot shut out the world completely.”

  “True, mon petit chou, true. Nor would we want zem to if zey could. Zink of all ze good zey bring to ze world, and all ze beauty zat cannot be contained between ze covers of any book.”

  “Yeah, like when you slap-a down the winning hand and pull over all the winnings,” Ginch piped up from his breakfast table. “Why, everything about the card game is-a great … except the part when they find out you cheat and try to kill you.”

  The Professor nodded then reached into his coat and pulled out a tabby kitten. The Professor smiled, nodded toward the cat, gave him a quick pet, and stuffed him back into his coat. There was a muffled meow, and the Professor reached into a back pocket, pulled out a live mouse, and tossed it inside his coat. For a moment, there was a vigorous squirming under the fabric, followed by a barely audible purring.

  “Besides, you did recently foil a plot to overthrow both royal courts,” Émilie pointed out.

  François nodded. “And you saved ze lives of both ze royal heirs.”

  “And the book you saved is-a maybe gonna cause the rebellution,” Ginch added. “You know, for the fairy who no wanna do the nothing with the world, you sure do a lotta the big, big somethings with it.”

  “Well I didn’t really want to do any of those things, now did I?” Shade crossed her arms. “Besides, I can’t go—I don’t know anything about royal etiquette. You don’t want me to be an embarrassment to the library, do you?”