What Goes Around

by Ann Bloxwich

  As Michelle reached for a bottle of baby lotion, the doorbell rang, causing her to jump and knock the bottle off the counter. It hit the tiled kitchen floor and exploded with a loud pop, showering almost everything nearby, including her jeans and trainers. She swore loudly as she kicked her shoes off and hurried to the door to see who it was, wiping her hands on a tea towel as she went.

  ‘Hi babe, I lost my key again. You took your time,’ Ray breezed as he pushed past her and into the hall. He saw the state of her jeans and laughed. ‘Were you wanking over my photos again? Really Shelley, I’ll be happy to let you look at me naked, you’d probably come faster too.’

  He bounded up the stairs two at a time, leaving the door wide open and Michelle seething in the doorway. Loud music began blaring out from behind his bedroom door almost immediately.

  As Michelle turned to close the front door she shrieked. Si had approached while she wasn’t looking. He stopped short and put his hands out as the door nearly hit him in the face.

  ‘Whoa, easy tiger, you nearly squashed me then!’ he exclaimed. He saw the expression on her face, grabbed her arms and pulled her towards him, covering her face in loud sloppy kisses. She laughed, hugged him fiercely then burst into tears.

  ‘Hey, what’s the matter? Has that twat upset you again? Do you want me to knock him on his arse?’

  Michelle shook her head. ‘He was being his usual charming self, nothing I can’t handle. You know how he gets just before a big show.’

  ‘That’s no excuse. If he upsets my favourite girl, he upsets me. I don’t suppose you’ll let me go up there and batter him, will you?’

  ‘You know I won’t. If you do that he can’t work, then I don’t get paid.’

  ‘Fair enough, but I can do this.’ Si stuck his tongue out and waved two fingers at the stairs several times, making childish noises at the same time. He grinned at Michelle, then followed her back through to the kitchen.

  ‘Bugger me, what happened?’ Si looked at the mess.

  ‘I dropped a bottle of baby lotion. It went on my jeans, so Ray assumed I’d been wanking over his photos and offered to get naked for me. I don’t know why it upset me so much, he’s said worse before.’

  Michelle grabbed a roll of kitchen towel and started tearing sheets from it. Si took it from her and pushed her gently towards the kettle.

  ‘I’ll sort this out, you make us some coffee. I used to work in a butcher’s shop, so I’m used to cleaning up all kinds of stuff. I’ll have this done in no time, then I’ll show you my new tattoo,’ he said, dropping to his knees and mopping up the spilled lotion.

  By the time the coffee was ready, Si had cleaned up all the mess. He tried to wipe Michelle’s jeans, but she stopped him.

  ‘Leave it, it’s soaked in now. I’ll stick them in the wash later. Thanks Si, you’re a real darling to me.’ Michelle looked on the brink of tears again and Si put his arms around her, lifted her up and spun her around, making her giggle again. He set her back down with a grin. ‘That’s more like it,’ he said.

  ‘Hey, check this out,’ Si said, unbuttoning his shirt and slipping it off. He turned around to show her his back. ‘Sweet or what?’

  A new tattoo covered almost the whole of his back and depicted Botticelli’s Birth of Venus. The attention to detail was stunning and Michelle whistled.

  ‘Wow, that’s incredible. Where did you get it done?’ She touched the delicate lines, still raised from the tattoo artist’s needle. ‘Can I take a picture of it?’

  Si grinned and posed for her. ‘I had it done at Undertone in Codsall, by Lee. He specialises in works of art. You should see some of the other ones he’s done. He’s pretty awesome.’

  ‘He certainly is. I’ve been wanting something done for my dad for ages but haven’t decided what to have yet.’

  ‘If you have a design in mind, give them a call. Tell Lee I said to give you one of my slots, I always book a few at a time because I know how busy he is.’

  ‘I can see why; the quality is exceptional,’ Michelle said. ‘Is there something wrong with your tea? You’ve hardly touched it.’

  ‘No, I’m fine, but can you just put some of this cream on my back for me? It’s healing well but it’s still a bit tender.’

  Si handed her a tube of cream and Michelle applied it for him. He put his shirt back on and gave her a hug.

  ‘My, don’t you two look cosy?’ Ray said as he bounced into the kitchen, dressed in his favourite white designer jeans, tight-fitting black T-shirt and black biker jacket. His hair was freshly washed and blow-dried, and he carried his trademark biker boots under his arm. He stopped to take a mouthful of Michelle’s coffee.

  ‘Ugh, no sugar. I’m off to sort some stuff out, so I’ll meet you at the venue. Make sure you’ve got everything, we don’t want any fuck-ups like we had in Sheffield, do we?’

  He pulled his boots on and walked towards the front door. Michelle nudged Si and pointed to the scattering of dark mud on the floor where Ray had stamped his feet to clean his boots. Si frowned at Ray’s back and stuck his tongue out again. Michelle bit her lip to stop the laughter that was threatening to burst out. She made a funny noise and Ray turned around to look at her just as Si pulled her to him to hide the smirk on her face.

  ‘Are you staying to play hide the sausage with Shelley? Be careful mate, she’s a bit of an animal, if you get my drift.’

  He winked broadly at Si and flounced out of the house, slamming the door behind him. A few seconds late they heard his car start up and, with a screech of tyres, he was gone.

  ‘I wish I had someone like you to look after me,’ Si said. ‘I’ll tell you something, he doesn’t know how lucky he is. Why do you put up with it? We all think the world of you, and none of us can figure it out.’

  Si started to smile. ‘I know, you’ve got incriminating pictures of him wearing ladies’ knickers, a woolly hat and a pair of wellies, haven’t you?’

  Michelle snorted into her coffee and Si roared with laughter, pleased that he’d made her smile again.

  He spotted Ray’s holdall on the floor and gestured towards it. ‘Is that his gear for tonight?’ he asked, standing up and walking over to peer in the bag.

  Michelle nodded. ‘Yes, all ship-shape and Bristol fashion. Not that he will appreciate it.’

  Si gave her a wicked grin and pulled out Ray’s new silver G-string. ‘He’s always saying how he’s the best dancer, so let’s make the fucker dance.’

  47

  Backstage at The Aurora Club, Kitty McLean was getting very stressed. How the management expected two drag queens and four strippers to get changed in such a small office was beyond her. She propped her mirror up against a computer on the larger desk and started to cleanse her face before applying her make-up. Ruby had hung up Kitty’s costumes and had gone to get some bottled water from the shop across the road.

  A bald, heavyset black man with no neck threw the door open and hit the back of Kitty’s chair. Kitty tutted loudly and removed the line of eyeliner she’d smeared across her cheek. He threw her a look of contempt and glanced around the small room.

  ‘Good evening Lavinia,’ Kitty said, drawing a fresh line of pencil on her lower eyelid.

  ‘It’s a bit poky isn’t it?’ he said in a deep voice. He dropped his bag on the floor and pulled out a creased dress, throwing it casually across the back of a chair. He kicked his trainers off, revealing bare feet that were filthy. Kitty shuddered inwardly as he pulled his dirty green T-shirt over his head, revealing a very hairy chest and flabby stomach. He dropped his grey jogging bottoms, bending down just as Ruby came back in from the shops.

  ‘Lord a mercy!’ Ruby screeched in a fake Jamaican accent. ‘Me nearly dropped me eyeballs down de drain!’

  ‘Very funny,’ the man said. He pulled a makeup bag out of his holdall and rummaged around inside.

  ‘I did ask for a bigger room, but they said it was either this or the gents toilets. Trust me, yo
u don’t want to go in there.’ Kitty sat back and looked in the mirror. Satisfied with the results, she started to undress, feeling Lavinia’s eyes on her.

  ‘What happened to your back? Bit of rough, was it?’ Lavinia made a snorting sound.

  ‘None of your business, Bob,’ Kitty snapped, knowing full well that using her real name would wind her up.

  ‘My name is Robert, and I was only asking,’ Lavinia replied. He emptied his make-up bag out on the desk top, scattering tubes of lipstick and cotton balls everywhere. He looked around on the floor. ‘Have you seen my tits?’

  Kitty sighed. ‘No, I have not seen your tits. Now go and get a drink from the bar and let me get ready in peace!’

  ‘What’s up with you? Lavinia sneered, scratching his armpit and releasing a cloud of B.O. Kitty picked up a bottle of perfume and sprayed it in the air.

  ‘Fucking hell, when was the last time you had a bath? You stink like a docker! And do something about your toenails, will you? They’re disgusting!’

  ‘Fuck off, you vile bitch! You think you’re something special, don’t you?’ Lavinia bellowed, storming up to Kitty and getting in her face.

  Kitty glared back. ‘You want to watch that someone doesn’t shut your fat mouth for you!’

  ‘Yeah? You and whose army?’

  Kitty wafted a hand in front of her face. ‘It would take a brave army to cope with your foul breath. It smells like you’ve licked a dog’s back end.’

  Lavinia stepped closer. ‘One of these days someone will put you on your arse, Lady. I hope I’m there to see it.’

  ‘Hey, that’s enough!’ Ruby shouted as the two queens squared up to each other.

  She got in between them and pushed them apart. ‘Lavinia, put some clothes on, and Kitty, go outside and have a cigarette. Now!’ she said, thrusting a packet of cigarettes into Kitty’s hand. She pointed at the door and Kitty marched outside. Then she looked at Lavinia and sucked her teeth. ‘I said, get dressed, then get out front and mingle with the punters.’

  Lavinia said nothing, despite being big, she knew that Ruby would knock her out given half a chance. She silently put her make-up on then got dressed. By the time Kitty came back in she had gone into the function room.

  ‘I’m sorry I threw you out, but trust me, she got both barrels as well.’ Ruby handed Kitty a bottle of water and a straw. ‘Now, sit down, have some water and tell me what’s going on. It’s not like you to lose it like that.’

  Kitty sighed and rested her head in her hands. ‘The nursing home rang me this morning. Mum’s dementia is getting worse. Yesterday they found her crying in the bathroom. She was convinced she’d had a miscarriage.’

  ‘Oh, bless her heart,’ Ruby said, taking Kitty’s hand and squeezing it. ‘Are you going to see her?’

  ‘I’m heading up there tonight, after the show. I spoke to John this morning and asked him to find cover for the New Year’s Eve show. I’m not sure when I’ll be back, it depends on how Mum is. I’ll pay you for the missed show though.’

  ‘Hey, don’t worry about that, you stay as long as you need. It’ll be a good excuse to catch up with my own stuff. Keep me in the loop though, yeah?’

  ‘I will. Thank you honey.’ Kitty exchange air kisses with Ruby. ‘Now, I’d better finish getting ready, the boys will be here any minute.’

  Ruby smiled. ‘The show must go on.’

  ‘Indeed, it must,’ Kitty agreed.

  48

  The hen party had decided to meet up at Alex’s place, so they could get the official tour before heading off on Jo’s hen night. They had gone with French maids as a theme for their fancy dress, but Jo’s mum had decided to dress as the Queen instead.

  No-one minded at all, Martha was a tiny woman with a huge personality, with strawberry-coloured hair, blue eyes and some very raunchy stories up her sleeve. She looked very regal in her diamante tiara and long white dress with a blue sash that read: Mother of the Bride.

  ‘Martha, you look stunning,’ Alex said, kissing her on the cheek.

  ‘Hello, bonny lad,’ she said, her Geordie roots still showing loud and proud, despite having lived in Shropshire for years. ‘The new house is amazing, when can I move in? I should warn you, if you wander about in your nuddy-pants I might have a stroke!’ she cackled with laughter, cracking them all up.

  ‘Here, is there any more of that Prosecco?’ She held up her glass and Alex refilled it.

  ‘Who are we waiting for? The minibus will be here in a minute.’ Jo straightened her maid’s cap and drained her glass.

  ‘Just Deb I think.’ Jayne did a quick head count. ‘Yep, everyone else is here. Let’s have another drink while we wait.’ She opened another bottle and they all cheered.

  ‘Wow, check out that foxy babe,’ Mo said, looking out of the window. Deb strode up the path, looking a million dollars in her outfit. She looked just like Magenta from the Rocky Horror Show. Craig followed behind her, a huge grin on his face.

  She threw the kitchen door open and struck a pose. ‘What do you think?’ she purred.

  ‘I’m thinking of a threesome,’ Isobel said, getting an elbow in the ribs from Mo.

  ‘Behave yourself, or I’ll have to spank you,’ she scolded.

  ‘Ooh, me first,’ Deb said, bending over and showing off her frilly pants. Mo nearly choked on her drink and Isobel wolf-whistled.

  ‘Come on you lot, get out so we can get on with our game,’ Alex opened the front door and they filed out.

  The minibus driver’s face was a picture of delight as he helped them climb in.

  ‘God help those strippers tonight,’ Alex mused as they watched them drive away. ‘I’ve a feeling it’s going to get very messy.’

  ‘That’s why I wore old clothes,’ Craig said. ‘I don’t want to ruin my good stuff.’

  Alex looked him up and down. He wore grey designer jeans, a cream-coloured cashmere jumper and burgundy-coloured loafers. ‘That’s your old stuff?’

  ‘Yeah. I do dress down sometimes, you know.’

  Alex shook his head, laughing as they went through to the lounge.

  ‘Did the women get off alright?’ Gary asked. He had the table set up with roleplaying sheets, notebooks and pencils. A box containing various types of dice stood in the middle, next to a plate of home-made cake that Martha had brought for them.

  ‘Yes, I’ve said we’ll pick them up at 11.30 p.m.’ Alex said. ‘Now, who’s turn is it to go first?’

  ***

  As the function room gradually filled up, the atmosphere backstage had become calmer with the arrival of some of the strippers. Lavinia was sitting on the floor on one side of the room, eating a Cornish pasty. She glared at Kitty as if daring her to comment as she tore another chunk off and pushed it into her half-full mouth. Kitty shuddered and turned away.

  On the other side of the dressing room, Chad, Si and Des were leaning against the wall, talking quietly and sipping beer. Their costumes were neatly laid out ready for their acts, so they had plenty of time to relax. It was the first time they’d seen each other since being interviewed and were deep in conversation about the murder and speculating over who’d committed the crime.

  Ray flung the back door open, startling everyone and causing one of Kitty’s wig stands to go flying. Ruby grabbed it just before it hit the floor and set it back on the table, looking daggers at Ray as she did so. Ray seemed to find it hilarious; he was giggling like mad. Michelle staggered in with Ray’s holdall and Si rushed to take it from her. Ray blew him a kiss and laughed manically.

  ‘Ah Shelley, I think Si fancies you. Look at him carrying your bag for you like a little schoolboy. It’s so sweet.’ Ray taunted, but to the surprise of the other lads, Si just winked at Michelle and said nothing.

  Ray was a bit taken aback by this; he was expecting Si to throw a couple of insults back at him. Si placed Ray’s bag down in the centre of the room and walked back over to the other lads.

  Des
glanced at him. ‘That’s not like you, Si, having nothing to say. Bit early for New Year’s resolutions isn’t it?’

  Si gave him a beaming smile. ‘Wait and see son, wait and see. Karma’s a bitch.’

  Ray loudly announced he was taking the last spot before the interval and the last spot in the second. He didn’t expect anyone to argue with him and no-one did. That said, he walked through the curtain and headed for the bar, certain that his fans would be only too eager to buy him drinks if he turned on the charm. Ray never paid for anything; if his fans didn’t keep him topped up, then he made sure Michelle did.

  Michelle hung Ray’s costumes up on a coat rack behind Kitty’s area and carefully arranged his accessories on a stool below it. She kept glancing at Si, who kept winking back at her. Ruby noticed the exchange and went over to where Michelle was wrapping up a bottle of lotion in a flag for Ray’s final spot, when he would do his full strip.

  ‘What’s going on with you and Si?’ she asked with a grin. ‘Are you two at it?’

  Michelle giggled. ‘No, nothing like that. Let’s just say that Ray’s routine will be extra hot tonight.’

  ‘Sounds intriguing,’ Ruby smirked, hoping for more, but Michelle said nothing and got on with her work.

  ‘I reckon he did it, he thinks he’s untouchable,’ Si said, as the conversation returned to the murder and Ray’s possible involvement.

  Des shook his head. ‘Nah, he may be many things, but I can’t see him killing anyone. It’s one less adoring fan if he did and he needs as many as he can get at his age.’

  ‘True,’ laughed Chad. ‘But in the heat of the moment and all that. Crimes of passion aren’t unheard of, and he gets his fair share of that. I heard that her face was battered in and she was strangled. Ray’s a two-minute wonder from what I’ve heard, so he wouldn’t have time to do all that before he shot his load. Unless he’s into necrophilia.’