by Ann Bloxwich
Si shuddered. ‘He’s a weird fucker; I wouldn’t put anything past him. Let’s face it; we’ve seen him do some strange shit in his time. Do you remember that time we went to Greece? It was a case of anytime, anyplace, anywhere with him. I’m surprised he didn’t end up in prison after he hijacked that bus full of pensioners and waved his cock around. I’m sure he only got away with it because he was so pissed.’
‘Ray would never go to prison for anything, he’s too good at talking himself out of trouble,’ Chad said. ‘He only got off that rape charge back in the 80s because his mates gave him an alibi.’
‘What? When was that?’ Des looked stunned. ‘I know he’s a prick, but rape? That’s bang out of order, man.’
‘Yeah, it was when he first got started and was getting a lot of interest. This woman accused him of rape and assault, she said he jumped her after she left the train station in Wolves. I remember reading about it. Poor thing was beaten up pretty badly too. He swore he’d never even been in town that night, but she said he’d followed her back from Birmingham and grabbed her as she walked through the underpass from the station.’
Si scratched his head. ‘I know I said I wouldn’t put anything past him, but I’d never have thought that even he’d do something that bad.’ He looked over as Michelle dropped the glass she’d been holding and rushed out of the back door.
‘Will you lot never learn to keep your voices down?’ Kitty barked as she followed Michelle outside. She was back a few minutes later. ‘She’s fine, she just needs a few minutes.’
‘Oh shit, I thought she knew about it. I’m sorry, Kitty,’ Chad said, looking ashamed.
‘It’s not me you need to apologise to!’ Kitty looked at her watch. ‘Chad, you’ve got half an hour, so get ready. Des, go and get us a bottle of wine from the bar will you, we could all use a drink. Tell them to put it on my tab.’ She smoothed her dress down and picked up her microphone. ‘Lavinia, you’re on in fifteen minutes, so stop stuffing your face and get your frock on.’
49
Deb nudged Jo and nodded towards Ray as he mingled with the crowd, looking confident and relaxed. He scanned the room and made a beeline for the bar where he was immediately surrounded by women pressing up against him, some openly groping him. He accepted all the attention with an Oscar-winning smile.
‘Hey ladies, you all look gorgeous tonight. I hope you’re all looking forward to seeing my new act. Now, who wants to buy me a drink? There’s a kiss for the fastest to the bar.’
Deb pointed towards him. ‘Look at him sucking up to everyone. That’s Ray Diamond, Craig said he was a bit of a prick.’
Jo almost inhaled her glass of white wine, setting off a coughing fit. Jayne had to thump her on the back till she could breathe again.
‘I’m hoping he’s going to be more than a bit of a prick, he’s supposed to be huge!’ Jo giggled as she took another slurp of her drink.
The others roared with laughter, causing Ray to turn and look at them. He must have thought he was onto a good thing as he sauntered over to them, fake smile plastered in place.
‘Are you having fun, ladies? If not, I guarantee you will be soon once you see my performance. I always make a special effort for my fans.’
Jayne rolled her eyes at Deb and they started laughing. He looked puzzled; he wasn’t used to not being fawned over. Dawn saluted him with her glass and he suddenly realised who she was. He started to pull away, but Martha grabbed his wrist.
‘Actually, we’re on a hen night so we want to see loads of cocks, not just one,’ she told him, giving him a broad wink. ‘I hope you’re all hung like donkeys.’
Ray beamed and assured her she was in for the night of her life, then he bowed and was gone, circling the room like a shark in search of new prey.
‘He probably takes it up the arse,’ Martha said, starting them giggling again. The bar manager came over with a tray laden with glasses and an ice bucket containing a bottle of champagne.
‘Compliments of the local constabulary, I have five more bottles of champagne on ice for you, and I’m instructed to inform you that if it’s not consumed by the end of the night, you’ll all be in handcuffs.’
‘Sounds like my kind of night,’ Deb told him.
Loud whoops of delight caused Ray to look their way. He spotted Dawn and looked away again quickly, then made his way back to the stage and disappeared behind the curtain.
Dawn did a wanker sign behind his back, causing everyone to start roaring with laughter again. They got stuck into the bubbly with gusto and had downed two bottles before the lights dimmed and Kitty appeared on stage. She was dressed in a white sequinned gown which caught the light beautifully, long white satin gloves and a huge feather boa. Jo sighed and wondered out loud whether she could borrow it to get married in.
‘No problem babe,’ Jayne assured her, ‘We’ll get Dawn to pop backstage afterwards and nick it for you. Or she can arrest Kitty and lock her up till after the wedding.’
Dawn did a mock salute. ‘Your wish is my command,’ she said, waving her feather duster at them, ‘But not until after we’ve drunk this place dry. Hey, you boy, bring us more champagne or I’ll beat your ass with my tickling stick!’
The barman grinned and did as she asked, even bending over and taking six slaps on his backside after he’d deposited another bottle in the ice bucket.
‘Good evening ladies, I hope you’re having a good time so far,’ Kitty began, glancing around the packed room. She pointed at Jo’s party. ‘It looks like you lot are anyway. What’s the occasion or are you just pissheads in general?’
Dawn waved Kitty over and the drag queen came over to their table. ‘Well, I’ve never been summoned in such a manner before, this had better be good. You’re not all lesbians, are you? Only if so I should confess that I’m a cock in a frock, I don’t eat fish.’
Deb presented Kitty with a glass of champagne and kissed her on the cheek. ‘My friend’s hen party,’ she mumbled, ‘And she loves your dress. Can she borrow it for her wedding?’
Kitty laughed and drained the glass before handing it back to Deb.
‘Well, if you want to get into my clothes it’ll take more than a glass of bubbly!’ she drawled, sashaying back towards the stage among gales of laughter.
‘How about a kebab then?’ Dawn yelled, and Kitty smiled at her.
‘Now that’s more like it, we’re not all anorexic you know. Talking of which, it’s time I introduced your first act of the evening. This poor woman is a trainee bulimic. She stuffs herself with food, but she keeps forgetting to throw up. Please put your hands together for the wonderful Lavinia Longtime!’
The audience clapped and cheered as Lavinia bounded onto the stage, dressed as one of the Spice Girls. It was hard to miss the sneer she gave Kitty as they passed on the stage. Despite her obvious miming, Lavinia soon had them all up and dancing to some of the band’s most popular hits.
After half an hour of jumping around and singing, Lavinia took a bow and bounced off the stage again, sweating profusely but with a huge smile on her face.
Kitty walked past her and wrinkled her nose. ‘Ooh love, I think you need to wash your fanny,’ Kitty announced over the mike, ‘You smell like a barrel of kippers!’
Everyone laughed as Lavinia stuck two fingers up at her. Kitty raised one eyebrow. ‘Happy New Year to you too darling. They don’t call me the KitKat Queen for nothing so if you can’t give me four fingers, don’t bother’ she said.
The audience cheered, and Kitty took a bow.
‘Now ladies, are you ready for your first stripper? Then let’s have a big warm welcome for the wonderful Black Velvet!’
Chad swaggered on to the stage dressed as a pirate, waving to the screaming crowd. He wore a white silk shirt which billowed when he moved, black satin trousers that clung to his slim frame, leaving very little to the imagination, and a long black velvet coat. Under his tricorn hat, his dreadlocks came down to his shoulder
s and were festooned with beads and small bones, and an eyepatch finished the look.
He soon had the crowd clapping along to his soundtrack as he danced for them. He took his shirt off to reveal a stunning body and the women went wild. Martha was delighted when he came over and straddled her. She grabbed at his bum and licked his rippling six-pack, making everyone squeal.
He gave her a kiss and ran back onstage to take the rest of his clothes off. Martha started shouting ‘Off, off, off’ and the whole room joined in. Chad was only too happy to oblige and was soon down to his flag. He ran into the audience, grabbed Martha and took her up onstage. He made her kneel in front of him and wrapped the flag around her head.
Jo was horrified. ‘Oh my God! I hope Mum’s okay under there!’
When Martha emerged, she had baby lotion all over her face like a face pack. She was laughing her head off and waving Chad’s thong in the air. As she returned to her seat amid whoops of admiration, Chad opened his flag and revealed himself. The women all screamed – he was huge.
‘Blimey Mum, that must have been a surprise,’ Jo shouted above the noise.
Martha shook her head as she downed her drink in one. ‘No, I guessed he’d be in proportion.’ She pointed at Chad, who was now gyrating on the lap of another bride-to-be in the audience. ‘I had one as big as that once, it wasn’t pleasant. I couldn’t walk for a week and I swear that’s why I needed a new hip.’
Jo fell off her chair and everyone laughed.
‘Don’t look so shocked, I was a bit of a wild one in my day you know,’ she went on. ‘I can still get my legs behind my head. I just choose not to for incontinence purposes.’ They all roared with laughter when Dawn announced she didn’t fancy her champagne any more.
Deb tipped the bottle up. ‘Just as well, it’s all gone. I’ll go and get some more.’
Martha thrust a couple of twenty-pound note into her hand. ‘Put this in the kitty pet, I’m off to get my photo taken with that gorgeous young man.’ She took off across the floor towards Chad, waving her camera.
50
Backstage, things weren’t quite so pleasant. Lavinia was furious at Kitty’s jibes in front of the crowd and didn’t waste any time tearing into her when Kitty came offstage.
‘Who the fuck do you think you are, you vile cow? How dare you take the piss out of me like that in front of the fans? I’ll be having serious words with John tomorrow, you can count on it!’
Lavinia stood almost nose to nose with Kitty and jabbed an accusing finger at her face. The whole room went quiet. Kitty, to her credit, didn’t even raise her voice. She knew she didn’t need to. She spoke quietly but her words dripped with venom.
‘Listen sweetie; if you put in half the work I do you’d have an act worth watching. Maybe if you stopped stuffing your fat face for five minutes you’d realise that. No, don’t even think about hitting me, bitch,’ Kitty warned, stepping back and holding her hand out as Lavinia lunged at her.
‘I may look like a pushover, but I will knock you the fuck out if you lay a finger on me. For your information, you’re only on this show because I felt sorry for you. John didn’t want you, but I insisted. Now, be a good girl, pack up and piss off unless you want me to put your wages in the charity tin on the bar out there.’
Lavinia went back to her corner of the room, grabbed her costumes and shoved them into a bin liner. She looked around the room with a scowl and stormed out, slamming the door behind her.
‘Oh dear, that was unpleasant. I’m sorry everyone,’ Kitty said, bending down to pick something up from the floor. ‘That showdown has been a long time coming. I knew she’d be upset, but she needed telling. She lost it ages ago, and now she’s lost one of her tits.’
Kitty held the offending item up, making them all smile and breaking the tension. ‘Now, it sounds like Chad’s almost done. Who’s on next?’
‘Is there room for a little one?’ a deep voice asked. Des whooped with delight and hugged the young man who had walked in through the back door, which Lavinia had left open.
‘Ricky, my man! What are you doing here?’
Des clapped him on the back. ‘Let me introduce you to everyone. Guys, this is Ricky Palomino, he works for Vince Patterson in Brighton and is already proving to be a big star on the circuit.’
Ricky grinned as they all shook hands with him. Kitty flushed with delight as Ricky took her hand and kissed it.
‘Oh my, I can see you’re going to break some hearts. Your reputation precedes you, I’ve heard great things from my south coast sisters. What brings you to our neck of the woods?’ she asked.
‘John asked me to come and work for him,’ Ricky explained. ‘Apparently, one of his lads has had some trouble with people stealing his gigs.’ His eyes flicked quickly towards Ray and back. ‘So, I’ve agreed to switch places with him for a few months,’ he said. ‘John suggested I come along tonight and say hello. I was hoping you might be able to squeeze me in.’
He looked around for approval, getting smiles from everyone except Ray, who stood quietly at the back of the room, watching him like a hawk. Ricky made a point of walking over to him and holding out his hand. Ray didn’t shake it but looked him up and down with disdain. At six feet six, Ricky was at least four inches taller than Ray, so Ray had to look up to meet his eyes.
‘So, you’re what all the fuss is about,’ he said in a flat voice. ‘Well, just remember your place and you won’t go far wrong. There’s no room on this show, but feel free to stay and watch. Who knows, you may learn something.’
Ray turned his back and pretended to look for something in his bag. Ricky raised his eyebrows in amusement and sauntered back to the rest of the lads and told them about his act while Ray pretended not to listen.
Kitty was impressed, a lot of the newer lads would have been upset by Ray’s attitude, but Ricky seemed to thrive on it. He certainly was gorgeous to look at. Apart from being tall, he had long dark hair and a broad, well-muscled body. His hair was smoothed back in a neat ponytail, and his designer suit, shoes, shirt and tie were all black, which made his olive skin glow.
Ricky saw Kitty checking him out and smiled, showing perfect white teeth. He went outside and returned with a promotional photo, which he handed to Kitty with a small bow.
‘Vince said I should give you one of my new promo pictures, and get your opinion,’ he said with a wink.
Kitty caught her breath as she looked at the picture. Ricky was draped on an antique four-poster bed, in a tangle of black silk sheets which barely covered him. His hair was spread out on the pillows behind him and his body glistened with oil.
‘Wow,’ was all she could manage to say. She showed the picture to Ruby who was equally impressed. Ricky laughed at their reaction and offered to buy a round of drinks.
Michelle had popped to the toilet, so had missed Ricky’s arrival, but Ricky was quick to notice her as she slipped back into the crowded room. He walked up to her and bowed low.
‘Ciao bella, you are quite a beauty. A real English rose,’ he purred as he kissed her hand. She blushed to the roots of her hair, making Ray seethe. He walked over and snatched Michelle’s hand away from Ricky.
‘Michelle belongs to me, so keep your hands off her,’ Ray ordered.
Ricky put his hands up in defence and took a step back, the mirth in his eyes clear as he apologised for overstepping the boundaries. He winked at Michelle again before turning to speak to Des.
Michelle tried to smooth things over. ‘Ricky was just being friendly, Ray. There’s no need to be rude.’
‘Who do you think you are, my fucking mother?’ he replied. ‘You work for me, you’d do well to remember it. I don’t pay you to be a slag.’
Michelle said nothing at all, but put down the flag she’d been folding, picked up her handbag and walked out of the back door. Ray realised everyone was watching him, so he tried to turn it into a joke. ‘Must be that time of the month,’ he joked.
Ricky c
lapped his hands together. ‘Right, seeing as I’m the new boy, the drinks are on me. What’s everyone having?
‘Nothing for me thanks, I’m on last and I like to keep a clear head,’ Ray announced.
Si snorted, and Ray threw him an angry look.
‘No skin off my nose, it makes it a cheaper round,’ Ricky said.
He and Des left the room, leaving an awkward silence hanging in the air. When they returned Chad followed them in, still wrapped in his flag and sweating profusely. He shook hands with Ricky then pulled a towel out of his bag and rubbed himself dry.
‘Christ almighty, you’ve got a huge dick,’ Ricky said. He winked at Chad before adding ‘It’s almost as big as mine.’
Chad placed his hand on his own chest. ‘Why, thank you Massa Rick,’ he said, copying Ruby’s fake accent and making everyone else laugh.
The lads fell into conversation with Ricky, who was very easy to get on with. He made them laugh at stories from the Brighton shows, including one about an old lady who took her teeth out and handed them to him just before she disappeared underneath his flag.
Ray said nothing, he was still sulking in the corner, pretending not to listen. Eventually, he took his phone out and made a point of announcing he had an important call to make, but no-one paid him any attention, so he went back through to the bar, suddenly feeling very alone.
51
The booze had certainly done its job; the hen party were all plastered. Dawn sat grinning inanely, Black Velvet’s hat parked at a rakish angle on her head, while Martha was happily sporting his G-string around her neck. Deb was sitting on Isobel’s knee serenading her, much to Mo’s amusement, and Jayne had gone to the bar. Mo was taking photos ready to upload to her computer. Jayne returned with a grinning barman in tow, carrying a tray laden with shots. He set the tray down, accepted kisses on the cheek from everyone and took away some of the empty glasses. Jayne downed her drink in one go and offered a shot of something bright-pink to Mo, who frowned in horror then downed it, to the cheers of her friends. ‘Jeez that’s vile, but what the hell, it’s a party!’ she said.