JACK

by Wilder, Adrienne

  “Jack! My name is Jack, not sweetheart, not honey!”

  He nodded and his bangs slid loose in messy waves. “Jack, you shouldn’t be up there. You could fall.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “You don’t want to get hurt now, do you?”

  “Billy, if I fall I wouldn’t get hurt. I’d be dead.”

  I could see the realization in his expression.

  He held up a hand. “Now let’s think about this Hon—Jack.” His fancy shoes slid on the wet grass as he tried to make his way up the hill. “C’mon, nothing can be that bad. Please, please come down.” He got to the top and picked his way through the rotten rungs trying not to catch his ankle in a hole. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

  “Emma wants to send me to a hospital. She says I’m sick. I don’t want to wear a dress and she wants to send me somewhere because she thinks I’m supposed to.”

  “I’m sure it’s not like that. You probably misunderstood.” He almost fell. Billy always was a klutz. They used to laugh at him in gym class. I never laughed.

  “I didn’t misunderstand what she said. I’m not stupid.”

  “I didn’t say you were.” He lost his footing and rocks rolled down the hill.

  “You should get down before you break a leg.” I turned away.

  The wooden tracks thinned as I got to the edge of the cliff where the twisted beams hung out over the churning water. I made my way until I could stare down at the beast. Like death’s hand, the churning blackness beckoned me with promises of peace.

  The preacher man said a lot about freedom in death. God’s arms and heaven. Did any of that really exist? And if it did would I get there, or be sent to hell for who I was?

  Billy’s radio crackled on his shoulder, followed by Penny Rider’s voice. “308, this is dispatch. Have you located our 1045?”

  “Yeah. I mean, 10-4. I’m out here on Union bridge. I’ve got a 10-56”

  “Jacqueline?” I could hear the disbelief in Penny’s tone.

  “10-4. I need you to send Henry out.” Billy stumbled again. “Jacqueline—I mean Jack, Jack, please. Just come down and we can talk about this.” He got close enough to see over the edge and closed his eyes for a second, looking sick.

  I kept going and stepped out on the narrow beams. I held out my hands and imagined myself a tightrope walker. The trees were crowds of people watching me in awe and the rush of the river below was applause.

  Billy’s pleas were lost to the hush of the water. I opened my eyes, staring down between my feet where the river danced and rolled beneath the beams.

  Billy cussed and I glanced back to see him clinging to the framework. There were tears in his eyes and his cheeks were wet. His confident voice came out small and scared sounding, like he did the time I found him crying under the bleachers when Markus Franks had given him a black eye for looking at his girl friend.

  “Don’t cry.” It was the same thing I’d said back then.

  “Jack, please. I’ll talk to Emma.”

  “You know she won’t change her mind. She wants me to be a girl and I can’t do that. I’m not meant to.”

  “I’m sure if I just talk to her…”

  “No. Momma always said Emma was stubborn as a fence post. She only hears what she wants to hear and she only does what she wants to do. She doesn’t care about me. Don’t you understand? She can’t. She doesn’t even see me.” A gust of wind whistled through the frame work and pushed against me. I hung on with one hand. I leaned out my arm outstretched and let my fingers dance against the cold burst of air. My clothes flapped and I swayed.

  Billy swallowed. A pained look came over his face. Both of his arms wrapped around the beam. He put out his foot touching the steel tracks and then yanked back. “Please, for the love of God, come back here. This isn’t funny anymore.”

  I didn’t bother to point out how no one was laughing.

  Another car pulled up and a door slammed. Sheriff Berry hopped the barrier and marched up the gravel road.

  “Billy, get down from there. You know I can’t afford to put you on medical leave.” Billy did as he was told.

  Berry grunted as he climbed the hill and walked up the tracks. “Jack!” Sherriff Berry knew better than to call me Jacqueline.

  “Yes sir.”

  “Get your ass down from there right now.”

  I had always liked Henry and thought if my daddy had stuck around he would have been like him. Henry was fair. Even when his officers gave Elliot and Mikey a hard time, Berry never stood by and let it happen.

  “Jack, down, now!”

  “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t do that.”

  “You’re upset. I know this last year has been hard on you, but there’s no reason to do this.”

  “That’s not the reason I’m here.”

  “Then talk to me. Tell me why you’re here.”

  “Emma.”

  “What about her?”

  “She hates me.”

  “She doesn’t hate you. She’s just stressed. Your momma just passed away, everything’s in turmoil.”

  “She doesn’t care that Momma is gone, Mr. Berry. She’s just here to take whatever she can.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “You know what she said to me the day she arrived? She wanted to know where the will was. She didn’t ask me how I was doing. If I was okay. She just wanted to know about the will.”

  “I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that.”

  “She did.”

  He stopped at the edge of the bridge. He wasn’t scared like Billy but he was definitely wary of falling.

  “Jack, come down.”

  “No.”

  “Please. You know your momma wouldn’t want you to do this. Think about her. Think about what this would do to her.”

  “I am thinking about my momma, sir.” I thought about her all the time. I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

  A strong gust shot between us and yanked his hat off his head. It tumbled through the air to the river below. It disappeared when the water reached up and snatched it.

  I didn’t hear Jonathan’s car but I saw Emma when she got to the barrier. “Jacqueline! What in God’s name are you doing?”

  Henry waved one of his big hands at Billy. “Shut her up and get her the hell out of here!”

  Billy looked relieved. He went back to the road, climbed over the barrier and tried to usher Emma back to her car. Her face turned red and her boney fingers clawed at the air like she could snatch me from where she stood.

  Emma screeched my name. “Get your ass down from there! Do you hear me? How dare you act this way? You’re nothing but an embarrassment to our family! I’m going to have you locked up! Do you hear me? Locked up so no one has to deal with this nonsense ever again!”

  Mr. Berry looked so sad.

  I shrugged. “See. I can’t go back. I can’t live with her.”

  He held his hand out to me. “We’ll find you somewhere else to go. You can come stay with Sharon and me.”

  “And you think she’ll let me?”

  “I promise you. I won’t let her do anything to you. Just come down.”

  I wanted to believe him but he just didn’t know Emma like I did.

  I stepped back and his face fell. “Jack, please. Please don’t do this.”

  “I have to.”

  “No you don’t.”

  “It’s the only way I can get away. I’m sorry sir. I’m really sorry.”

  I closed my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest. I pretended I was dropping back onto my bed after a long day of fishing or riding Joe Brady’s mare.

  Henry Berry’s shout was lost to the whoosh of wind. The few seconds of freefall yanked my heart into my throat. Falling wasn’t half as frightening as being trapped with Emma. Being forced into a shape I did not fit.

  My breath was knocked out by the slap of icy water against my back. The jaws of the river swallowed me whole. Water rushed into my gaping mouth, burn
ing its way down my throat and searing my lungs. I gasped but there was no air, just more of the unrelenting cold. I told myself not to fight but my arms flailed and my legs kicked. Like Berry’s hat, I didn’t stand a chance.

  Like my sister, the river would choke me, drown me, and crush me.

  The current spun me around and my hip smashed into a rock. Another sharp pain blossomed in my shoulder. The gray sky wavered above rippling waves. I almost made it to the surface before being rolled under by the current and slammed against the rough bottom. My head bounced off another rock and everything blurred. After that my arms became heavy and my legs didn’t want to work. Something sharp bit into my thigh. I had a moment to be amazed that the river actually had teeth before the swell of current shoved me all the way down.

  I inhaled no longer caring there was no air.

  I told myself this is what I wanted but it was a lie. What I wanted was to be loved. I wanted to be understood.

  I wanted to be kissed.

  I bet Elliot’s lips were sweet. Sweet and warm.

  A hand broke through the darkness. Momma. I reached out and fingers curled around my wrist. I was yanked up and the water peeled away. I’d thought the cold of the river had been painful but it was nothing like the cold of the air. It became my enemy as it mixed with the water in my lungs. Like sandpaper, the bitterness raked my insides with every gasp.

  My stomach heaved and I vomited.

  Henry’s panicked voice barked commands and someone wrapped me in a blanket. He picked me up. I tried to look at him but the dreary light hurt my eyes.

  “Please…” Let me go.

  “It’s okay Jack, I’ve got you.”

  “I…” Want to be free.

  “Everything’s okay now, everything is going to be okay.” Cradled in his arms, the darkness came for me and I let it take me down.

  Chapter Three

  For a while there were voices and I thought they were angels. The speakers were all white and surrounded by light, making it impossible for me to look directly at them. My head felt full of rocks. I wondered when I’d see Momma and I asked for her but no one seemed to understand me. Maybe they did understand but chose to ignore me, just like Emma.

  Mostly I slept.

  At some point I opened my eyes to a man I didn’t know. His glasses were so far down the end of his nose they pinched his nostrils shut. He wore a dirty Santa hat. It clashed with his green bathrobe.

  “Awaken my prince!” He waved a bent straw near my face.

  “Mr. Greenwich, you’re supposed to be emptying the garbage. If you don’t stay on task you’re going to lose the privilege.”

  The stranger in the Santa hat disappeared and was replaced by a serious looking man in a blue shirt and dark tie. He smiled at me. “How do you feel, young lady?”

  I tried to scratch my nose but couldn’t lift my hands. I tried again and then looked down. Thick leather braces bound my wrists to metal bed rails. I yanked and the entire bed shifted.

  “Easy!”

  “Where am I?”

  “My name is Dr. Chance, and you’re in the Meadow Wood Psychiatric Hospital for observation.”

  Oh God, Emma had done it. She’d locked me away. Panic made me kick but my ankles were bound too. The gown I had on slipped down, flashing my chest and the big black bruises marring my skin.

  “Easy, Jacqueline, we’re here to help you.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with me!”

  A nurse wearing a folded white cap stepped up behind Dr. Chance and handed him a syringe. “I’m going to give you something to help you rest.” He flicked the glass cylinder twice with his finger. A small squirt of fluid dripped from the tip of the needle.

  “I don’t want to rest! I want to go home!” I tried to escape the needle coming at my arm but I was trapped. The sharp pain was followed by a burn. My muscles slackened and it became impossible for me to keep my head up. I collapsed against the pillows.

  The woman made a fuss about fixing my gown then stepped out of my line of sight.

  I stared at Dr. Chance, wondering if he was blurry because of the shot he’d given me or the tears filling up my eyes. “Why are you doing this to me?”

  “We’re just here to help you. That’s all.”

  “I don’t need any help.”

  “You jumped off a bridge. Don’t you think that’s something that needs to be addressed?”

  “I wanted to get away.”

  “Who were you trying to get away from, Jacqueline?”

  “Jack.” It was getting hard to keep my eyes open.

  “You were running from Jack?”

  “No, my name. My name is Jack, not Jacqueline.”

  He smiled again and patted my skinned fingers clinging like a limp rag to the rail. “Okay, Jack, we’ll talk later. You rest.”

  “Please let me go.”

  “We’ll see how you do over the next few days before we make that decision.”

  I don’t think I was out very long. A squeaking sound woke me up. A woman came into my room with a cart. “Who are you?”

  “I’m here to change your bed pad.”

  I had no idea what she meant until she walked over and dropped the rails near my hip. Then I felt the wet clinging to my skin. I’d pissed myself. I struggled and every cut and bruise on my body protested. “Let me up!”

  “I’m sorry. You have to talk to Dr. Chance about that.”

  “I’m not an infant!”

  “It’s okay, honey, you have nothing to be ashamed of.”

  I was ashamed. I was humiliated. I had to lay there while she pushed me around, removing the soiled pad then putting a clean one under me. Then she pulled up my gown and wiped my ass and groin. I turned my head to hide my face in the pillow. The nurse checked my body over, poking the bruises around my stomach and ribs. She got a tube of greasy medicine and put it on the deep gash on my leg before stepping back.

  “Do you need to go again?”

  I couldn’t even look at her. “What?”

  “I’ve got a bed pan on the cart if you need to have a bowel movement or urinate.”

  “No! Just leave me alone!” I sobbed and yanked at the bindings while she fixed up the sheet and pulled the bedrail back into place. The door shut with a solid thump and I was alone.

  Hell, this had to be hell. I cursed Emma. I cursed Henry for pulling me out of the water. I cursed God for taking Momma away.

  I was drifting off when Dr. Chance came back. He wasn’t alone this time.

  “Jack.” Dr. Chance motioned to the man beside him. “This is James. He’s going to help take care of you.”

  The white uniform James wore made his square body look gigantic. “Pleasure to meet you.”

  “I don’t need no one to take care of me.”

  Dr. Chance arched an eyebrow. “Really? I could have sworn Catherine said you would rather use the facilities then the bedpan.”

  I looked at both men then nodded. “Yeah, please. Please let me up.”

  Dr. Chance stepped aside and James undid one of the straps around my ankles. He walked to the other side of the bed and Dr. Chance said, “Now, there’s something you need to understand. We work on a privilege system here. I’m trusting you to not try and hurt yourself. Every day you prove to me you can respect the trust I am lending to you, is a day you can earn another privilege.”

  “Can I leave?” I watched James unbuckle another strap.

  “You have ways to go before you can go home. But we’ll see how the next few days go. If you take your medicine and do as you’re told maybe I’ll let you sit in the dayroom.”

  James finished undoing the straps and I rubbed my arms. I started to climb over the rails. He put a large hand on my shoulder and pulled me back. “Easy, wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”

  There was a clink and the bed rail disappeared down the side. James put a hand under my arm and helped me out of the bed. My legs felt like rubber bands and my knees wanted to buckle. Even my bones ached, like
the bruises weren’t just on my skin. When I got to the bathroom I tried to close the door. James stopped it with a foot against the bottom. “Door stays open.”

  “But I have to go to the bathroom.”

  Chance said, “Privacy is a privilege. When you can be trusted to go in there alone, then you receive the privilege of having privacy.” He went out and James stood by the door staring at me. My cheeks burned. I hobbled over to the toilet.

  “Need help?”

  “No. I’m fine.” I gripped the handrail mounted to the wall, pulled the gown, bunching it at my waist, and sat down on the cold porcelain. Squatting made pain shoot through my hip from the cut on my thigh but I refused to make a sound.

  James stepped back around the corner until all I could see was his shoulder and part of his leg. Every so often he would turn his head just enough that I knew he could see me out of his periphery. At least he gave me the illusion of not having an audience.

  When I finished he helped me back in the bed. James took my wrist and pulled it toward the straps. I yanked back.

  “Now, now, you can’t be doing that.”

  “I don’t want to be tied down.”

  “Privilege, remember? You have to earn the right to not wear the straps.”

  “But I didn’t do anything.”

  “Jack, don’t lose the one privilege you’ve just earned.” James held out his hand. I gave him my wrist and trembled while he buckled me in. He pulled the blanket up over my lap before he left.

  *** *** ***

  It was like that for days. Long miserable days of being watched over while I ate, went to the bathroom and showered. I took the pills, one with each meal. They made my head feel funny and my speech slur. I always tried to go to the bathroom before I had to take the medicine. If I didn’t I would pee the bed.

  I never knew humiliation could be a physical pain until then.

  A week went by. I think it was a week. It might have been longer or shorter. Between the pills and the lack of windows it was difficult for me to know when the day began and when it ended. During that time I’d gotten rid of the straps, was allowed to go to the bathroom alone, and been given a set of scrubs and shoes to wear instead of a gown with no back.