JACK

by Wilder, Adrienne

  *** *** ***

  I saw Grom again at lunch. I’d been avoiding him for the past couple of days and I think I meant to avoid him then too, but Noah sat at the table, smiling at something the old man said. I barely paid attention to what the lunch ladies put on my plate. I went over and sat down in the chair near Noah. He smiled while staring at his tray.

  “Ah, Just Jack, our young knight in training. How wonderful for you to join us.” Grom pointed a crooked finger at my tray. “Are you going to eat your sandwich?”

  The sandwich consisted of stiff white bread the texture of Styrofoam and a slice of dried-out bologna. The only upside was a fresh apple to go with it. “I’ll trade you my sandwich for your apple.”

  He held his apple out to me and I added it to the one already on my plate. I drank the milk and ate one of the apples.

  Grom talked with his mouth full. “Have you met Noah?”

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  “He is my apprentice.”

  Noah’s gaze shifted my way and he shrugged.

  “I’m going to have to fire him though if he doesn’t start practicing his spells.” Grom leaned over the table, spraying bits of sandwich everywhere. “He can’t even cast a simple glow spell.” He looked at Noah. More crumbs sprinkled out on the table. “Did you at least remember your wand today?”

  Noah’s cheeks turned pink.

  “C’mon boy. You know this place is infested with ogres. Where is your wand?”

  Noah’s hand disappeared into his pocket and he pulled out a wrinkled green straw.

  Grom laughed and slapped him on the shoulder. “That’s a good lad. No wizard is worth his salt if he does not have his wand.”

  Noah turned his gaze up at me. The way he looked at me from under his bangs reminded me of Mikey. “I’m not a wizard.” His voice was so soft I barely heard him over the noise of the cafeteria.

  I moved closer. “I’m not a knight.”

  He grinned. “Do you play checkers?”

  “I know how.”

  “Would you like to play a game with me in the dayroom?”

  “Sure. When?”

  “After lunch.”

  “You have spells to work on boy. No checkers until you work on your spells!” I have no idea how Grom heard him. I was only inches away and I could barely hear what Noah said.

  I held out the extra apple to Grom. “I’ll give this back to you if you’ll let Noah play checkers with me.”

  He stopped chewing and stared at the apple. “But his lessons are important.”

  “I know, but it’s only once.”

  “For the apple?”

  “Yes.”

  “For the whole apple?”

  I put it down on his tray.

  “You drive a hard bargain, Just Jack. A very hard bargain indeed. I shall allow it. One day, no lessons.” He made a shooing motion with his sandwich. “You are dismissed.”

  With everyone eating lunch, the dayroom was almost empty. Noah found a checker board and enough milk caps to make a game. We sat in the corner next to a window facing the parking lot. There were a lot of cars down there. I watched people come and go wondering who they were and where they came from. Most of them wore uniforms like the nurses and orderlies but there were a few who didn’t. Did they have family here? Or were they former patients set free into the world.

  Another arm of the hospital stretched out on the other side of the parking lot. It was constructed of gray stone with dark slits for windows and connected to the section I was in by a long tubular bridge. Most of the people coming in and out of the doors over there wore regular clothes. On occasion an ambulance would pull around to the back or a nurse would push someone out in a wheelchair to a waiting car parked next to the curb.

  Noah rapped on the table. The checkers were all in place. There wasn’t enough of one color or the other, so mine were right-side up and his were right-side down. I pulled out the plastic lawn chair and sat across from him. He waved a hand at me.

  “You want me to go first?” I said.

  He nodded.

  I looked at the board and made my first move. Then he made his. The game was pretty short and Noah won.

  I sat back. “I guess I’m not very good at this, huh?”

  He laughed but there was no sound. His eyes were so bright and his face so serene it seemed wrong not to hear his joy. Noah set up the board again.

  “Why do you whisper?”

  He hand froze hovering over a black square, milk cap pinched between his thumb and first finger.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to pry.” I don’t know what it was I saw in his eyes, pain, fear, guilt? When he didn’t continue setting up the board I did it for him. Then I made a move. He didn’t. “Please, Noah, I’m sorry.”

  He stared at the board and after a very long time he pushed one of the pieces to another square. I moved one of mine. His lips moved and I realized he was saying something to me.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.”

  He leaned closer and so did I. Almost nose to nose, I could count the freckles on his cheeks.

  His words were barely a sigh. “Because I scream.”

  Chapter Five

  My new room had a window. It was small, narrow, and too far up to really see out. If I stood on the bed and pulled myself up over edge of the sill, I could see the thick line of trees on the horizon. Bars made it difficult to enjoy the view. But there was one good thing about my new room. It was right next door to Noah’s. We no longer had to meet in the dayroom to play checkers.

  The first thing I did with my newfound privacy was to tear a strip off my sheet. The cotton fabric didn’t work as well as the Ace bandage. I worried someone might notice the knot under my arm, but the shirt was baggy so I hoped it wouldn’t show.

  My talks with Dr. Chance happened three days a week. They would get canceled if someone had to have an emergency session. It didn’t happen as often as you’d think. Throwing bed pans or starting fights was not grounds for Dr. Chance’s attention.

  I couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t taking any of the pills now and the noise at night would keep me up. I’d wander the halls watching the night nurse and orderlies go about their business. Since I had been moved to C wing, I could go to the dayroom whenever I wanted. In there the old black and white TV was always on, but there was never anything good to watch. The cafeteria remained locked except when it was time for meals.

  At the far end of the hall in the opposite direction of the dayroom there was a set of double doors marked with the letter A. The orderlies and nurses went in and out of them all through the night. I tried looking through the windows, but the glass was frosted and I couldn’t see anything but hazy light and blurred shapes.

  Strange sounds came from the other side of the doors. I wanted to know what could be making them. While the nurses were busy doing rounds I pushed one of the doors open and went in. Most of the lights had been turned off on this side and the shadows made bruises on the walls. The noises were louder on my left so that’s the direction I went.

  The hallway was wider than the one where my room was located. It still smelled the same, sterile, almost metallic, with an undertone of human sweat and urine. All the doors were closed but each one had a porthole near the top with thick mesh covering the glass. I walked and listened. Sobbing, laughing, and sometimes deep groans echoed from behind the doors. I tried to look through the portholes but the inside of the rooms were dark. Apparently there were no windows in A wing. I kept going until I reached the end. Here the door had a red triangle inside a square, painted under the window.

  Something moved with a shuffling sound behind the door. Even hidden behind a steel slab it felt big.

  “Hello?”

  Silence. Then a breath, heavy, deep.

  I put a hand on the door and pressed my ear to the surface. “Hello? Can you hear me?” I waited and the void of sound left my ears ringing. “My name is Jack, what’s yours?”

  A scream erupted from i
nside the room sounding anything but human. The door shuddered with the force of thunder and I fell back. The pounding continued echoing through the floor and up through my palms. I scrambled backward, tried to stand, and fell. My trembling limbs refused to obey. I didn’t know what it was but I imagined long claws, sharp teeth, and blood red eyes. Something that belonged in a horror movie. Something evil and wicked. Any minute I expected it to smash through the door.

  “Jack!”

  Grom. I had no idea where he came from. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet. “What are you doing down here?” Another scream from behind the door was followed by deep growls and angry snarls. Grom pointed his straw at the door and backed up, dragging me with him. “You shouldn’t come down here, young knight. You are not skilled enough to battle the creatures who dwell here.”

  He took me back up the hall. The double door swung closed behind us and Grom pulled me into an empty room. He pushed the door shut and several orderlies ran by. When they were gone he stepped back out.

  “What were you doing down there, Just Jack?”

  “Looking around. I didn’t think it would hurt anything. I heard things. I went to look.” My teeth chattered and I shivered.

  “The most dangerous are kept on the side hall. Only the ogres are strong enough to handle them and wizards who know their spells. You’re lucky I was there. Without my shields he might have gotten you.”

  I couldn’t quit shaking. I wrapped my arms around myself. It didn’t stop. I could feel still feel its anger and rage rolling down the hallway carried on brutal cries.

  Grom put a hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded, and then I shook my head. “What was that?”

  “A demon. A terrible angry demon.”

  Yes, a demon. It had to be a demon. It wasn’t human. It couldn’t be human.

  “Promise me, Just Jack, you will never go down there again.”

  I nodded.

  “Good lad. Would you like me to get you some water? I can turn it into a nice cup of tea if you like.”

  “No. No thank you. I just…I just want to go back to my room.”

  Grom put an arm around my trembling shoulders. “Then I will walk back with you and keep you safe.”

  *** *** ***

  “You seem preoccupied by something today. Want to tell me what it is?” Dr. Chance held his pen close to his notebook. He seemed eager to have something to write down.

  So far I hadn’t said anything and the minute hand on the clock had already moved a quarter past one.

  “Jack, is something wrong?”

  “No, I’m fine.”

  “Why are you so quiet? I thought we were making progress.”

  I was quiet because I was tired. I was tired because I couldn’t sleep. I had nightmares about the demon on wing A. “Do you believe in monsters?”

  Dr. Chance clicked his pen. He scratched the point against the paper. “Do you mean like werewolves or mummies?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Why? Do you believe in monsters?”

  “What if you saw one? Maybe not saw, but heard one?”

  “And where would this monster be?” The vinyl of his chair squeaked when he leaned back. Dr. Chance chewed the end of his pen. “Jack?”

  “It’s not important.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. So do you believe in monsters or not?”

  He regarded me with a curious gaze. “I believe there are people who may seem like monsters.”

  “But you don’t believe in monsters.”

  “No.”

  I went back to staring out the window. The overcast sky was wrinkled with pale gray clouds. Momma would have called them snow clouds. It looked like a cold day but I didn’t know since I didn’t have the privilege to go outside. It seemed like forever since I’d felt the warmth of the sun, the bite of wind, or the sensation of water droplets pelting my flesh. I wanted to smell the earth, the leaves, the grass. I wanted to be where there were no demons locked away in shadowed rooms.

  “If you don’t mind,” Dr. Chance said, “I’d like to revisit something we discussed in our last session.”

  “What?”

  “Why do you want to be a boy?”

  “I don’t want to be. I am.”

  “Do you see yourself as male when you look in the mirror?”

  “I want to.”

  “Is that why you cut your hair? To make yourself look more like a boy?”

  I wasn’t sure.

  “Jack?”

  “I think so.”

  “But you still don’t see a young man, do you? You see a young woman.”

  “I don’t know.” I pressed my chin against the top of my knees. I didn’t want to explain what I felt. I shouldn’t have to explain. Why should it concern anyone but me? Boy, girl, why did it matter? I watched Dr. Chance over the edge of my arm for a moment. I said, “Do you think you’re a man?”

  Dr. Chance almost smiled. “Yes.”

  “What makes you a man and not me?”

  “Anatomical traits dictate our sex.”

  “So because you have a cock and balls that makes you a man?”

  “Yes, because I have a penis and testicles that dictates me as male.”

  “What if they got cut off?”

  He put a leg on his knee. “Cut off?”

  “Say you were in an accident and they got cut off? Would you still be a man?”

  He wrote something down in his note book.

  I frowned. “That’s rude, you know?”

  “What’s rude?”

  “You writing in your note book instead of answering my question.”

  “The question isn’t really relevant and has no application in today’s discussion.”

  I put my knees down and scooted to the edge of the chair. “Why? Because it’s my question?”

  Dr. Chance clicked his pen and slipped it into his breast pocket. “Yes. I would still be male.”

  “And if you weren’t born with one at all?”

  “I think this session is over.”

  I stood over him. “Answer me!”

  His expression stayed blank. “Sit down, please.”

  “I want an answer!”

  “Sit down, Jack. Don’t make me call an orderly.”

  I sat, but only on the edge of the chair. He didn’t answer and I scooted back a little more.

  “Are you calm now?”

  I crossed my arms. “I just want you to answer the question.”

  “Yes, I would still be male.”

  “Then why can’t I be? Just because I don’t have the right parts, the right body. It doesn’t change me. I am still a boy. If I hadn’t been born with arms or legs you wouldn’t tell me I wasn’t human. Why is it any different? Why do I have to have on the outside what I am on the inside?”

  Dr. Chance smiled a little. “Because, that’s just the way it is.”

  *** *** ***

  I should have never gotten angry at Dr. Chance. He added a pill to my daily meds and locked my door. He said it was for one night so I could think about my outburst. At least no one came in to watch me piss or shower.

  I lay on the bed staring up at the window listening to the rain tap against the glass. There was a flicker of lightning and a long pause before it thundered. April brought rain and May brought tornados. Actually, the tornados could happen anytime in the spring or summer. Sometimes even in the fall. Momma and me had a cellar under the kitchen floor and whenever the sky turned dark, Momma would grab the candles and we’d head downstairs. There was a gap in the stone work and if I stood on my toes I could see out. When the grass was cut I could see the sky.

  Through the hole in the wall I’d watch the black clouds roll and the lightning tear across the heavens. At times thunder would rumble so loud bits of dust would come loose from the floor and powder our clothes. Momma was afraid of the storms. She’d lived through some monster ones in Tennessee. I guess she never forgot what it was like. Ther
e were plenty of bad ones in Georgia. Trees were torn out of the ground and barns were flattened. I won’t say I was brave for standing there and peering through the crack. I was just fascinated by the idea of big, brutal, devastating storms that could kill, and you couldn’t even see them. You could see the damage. You could see the turmoil it created in the sky around you. And you could feel its power blast against your face or send stinging slaps of rain against your skin.

  But the storm itself, the power that made it, was invisible.

  I heard a sound but figured it was probably one of the people down the hall. I would have checked but I wasn’t allowed outside my room until the next day. I rolled on my side and heard it again. Like something small and frightened.

  I looked up at the vent above the head of my bed. The sound came from Noah’s room.

  I stood up on the mattress but the vent was too high so I used the headboard for a boost. It was metal so I figured it would hold me. I peered through the crisscross mesh. It was too dark to see inside until the lightning flashed.

  Noah’s narrow bed was empty except for rumpled sheets and a lumpy pillow. At first I thought I’d somehow missed him. I put my elbows on the block ledge and pulled myself up.

  “Noah?”

  I waited, hoping he was in the bathroom. No one came out. The lightning flashed again and I saw a foot pull into the shadows under the bed.

  “Noah? Are you okay?”

  Still nothing, but I heard him whimper. I tested the metal grate. The screws holding it must have been rusted because it came loose with no effort. Grit dusted my face and got caught in my bangs. I wiped it off with my free hand and dropped the grate on my bed. The opening was big enough for me to slide through but I’d have no way to get my footing when I was on the other side. I grabbed one of the pipes running across the ceiling and hoisted myself up. When my legs and hips was through I turned. The rough edges scraped my elbows. I lowered myself down until I could feel the headboard of Noah’s bed under my toes. I stepped back and dropped to his mattress.

  “Noah? It’s me.” I got down on the floor, pulled the blanket out of my way and peered under the edge. Noah was a dark lump against the wall. “Are you sick?”