Thunder exploded rattling the windows. Noah cried out and hid under his arms. His scrubs were wet between his legs. I climbed down and slid under with him.
“Hey, it’s just a storm.” He was more scared than Momma had ever been. I touched his shoulder and he flung his arms around my neck and yanked me tight against him. For a moment I thought I would suffocate but was able to turn and get the pressure off my throat. I held him and petted his head.
His breath shuddered out against my cheek. “Don’t let them find me.”
“Who?”
“They’ll find me. Please don’t let them find me.”
I wished he’d tell me who. “It’s okay, Noah. It’s okay. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”
The urine on his clothes soaked through my pants. I ignored it like I did his hands bruising my shoulder. He moved his legs and I was aware of how male he was. His muscles, his shape, the feel of the soft bulge pressed against my hip. What would it feel like to have those parts? To be cut in lines instead of curves? To have tawny muscles instead of soft skin? I wanted those things and holding Noah made me want them more.
I worried he could feel my breasts through the binding and I hoped he couldn’t.
We stayed like that until the storm wound down to a brisk wind and fat raindrops. Noah went limp at my side and his grip slackened. He was too heavy for me to pick up so I got his blanket and pillow to tuck around him and prop up his head. I climbed back through the vent, scraping my elbow again, and lowered myself down. By the time I got the grate pushed back into place the sky outside the window had faded to a light gray.
Had the people Noah was afraid of put the scars on his body? I wondered what type of person could do something like that. What type of person could frighten someone so bad that they hid under the bed, curled in a ball, and trembled? Dr. Chance had said there was no such thing as monsters.
I decided he was wrong.
Chapter Six
Laundry day on the observation ward meant someone would come to collect my one set of clothes and sheets before handing me new ones. On C wing laundry day meant gathering up all your soiled linens and scrubs on your own and carrying them to the washroom. We weren’t allowed in the back with the big machines and were made to stand in line until it was our turn to have our clothes inventoried. Once everything was accounted for we were sent to the end of the line to retrieve a clean stack. The longer I stood the hotter it seemed to get. Humidity hung in the air making it hard to breathe.
When Noah walked in I slipped out of my place in line so I could go stand with him at the end. Suffering the heat a little longer was a small price to pay. He saw me and stared down at the bundle of laundry in his arms.
“Hi!”
He waved, and then tucked his free hand in his pocket.
“You okay?”
He nodded.
I pushed Noah’s hair back from his face and his eyes widened.
“Sorry.” I got back in line. Warmth brushed my wrist. Noah’s fingers pushed their way between mine and he pressed our palms together with a firm squeeze. His lips formed the words, “Thank you.”
I smiled.
We moved up the line and turned in our dirty laundry and got in line to receive the clean bundles. The laundry ladies made me think of marshmallows dressed in their white and pink uniforms and puffy white hair nets. Sweat glistened across their brows running down their cheeks and soaking the collars of their shirts. They chatted among themselves about their lives outside of the hospital walls as they took our bundles and separated them out into various carts. They worked and laughed like we didn’t even exist. I glanced at Noah and wondered if it bothered him or if he was used to it.
“Out! Out! Out of my way!”
I turned to see the man who attacked Noah in the cafeteriabreak out of line.
He shoved people aside, sending them into the floor. The lady who carried around the doll head tumbled into the wall. She went down and didn’t get up. An old man and a redheaded guy with one eye were next.
Noah yanked my arm, but I was frozen where I stood, captivated and horrified by how the cafeteria man could just toss people around like they meant nothing. He came right at me waving his arms like a wind mill. His hand clocked me in the side of head and I was knocked to my knees. Noah covered me. The cafeteria man’s fists made a muffled thump against Noah’s back. His breath whooshed out and then the weight of his body disappeared. I looked to see the man holding Noah up and over his head. The orderlies were coming but people were in their way.
With one hard throw Noah went flying through the air. He hit one of the laundry carts and bounced into the floor.
The man reached down, his large hands curled like hooks ready to grab me and snap my limbs. Grom stepped in front of me pointing the quivering tip of his straw right at the man’s nose. “Back! Back I say!”
It might have been funny if the cafeteria man hadn’t been capable of breaking Grom in half. But instead of attacking the cafeteria man stood frozen, eyes crossed, staring at the end of the straw. A blur of white and the man made a loud ‘oomph’ as the orderlies took him to the floor.
Grom pulled me to my feet. “Are you all right, Just Jack?”
“Fine.” I looked over my shoulder. “Noah!” I ran over to the laundry carts. Noah was on his knees and there was a cut on his forehead.
“Are you okay?” I knelt down. He touched his face and winced. I pulled up my shirt and used the hem to wipe the blood away from his eyes. “It’s pretty deep.” And it looked painful.
“Medic! We need a medic!” Grom waved his arms, trying to get someone’s attention, but they ignored him.
I helped Noah up. “C’mon, I’ll take you to the nurse’s station.”
His gaze went to the laundry window.
“I’ll come back later and get our sheets.”
*** *** ***
The nurse cleaned up Noah’s face and put two butterfly stitches on his forehead. Then she sent him back to his room with two aspirin. The nurse said anything else would interfere with his meds. I’m pretty sure the medication Dr. Chance gave Noah was the reason he sometimes dozed off when we played checkers. Even half-asleep he still beat me.
Noah let me lead him back to his room. Just like mine the bare walls were off white and some of the paint was wrinkled and peeling. The checked floor was beige and white. Gaps appeared between random tiles reminding me of Billy’s teeth. We walked over to Noah’s bed against the wall. I picked up the large notebook lying on the rumpled sheets. “What’s this?”
“My drawings.”
I sat down next to Noah. “Can I look at them?”
He nodded. I opened the notebook to the first page. Shades of gray pushed areas of white and were anchored by heavy black lines creating images out of nothing. Birds, views from the window in the dayroom, the orange couch, and people covered every inch of clear space on each piece of paper I looked at. Noah had captured every detail, down to Dan’s scowl, and the sofa lady’s wild eyes.
“Wow, these are really good.”
Noah leaned closer to me and whispered, “Do you draw?”
I laughed. “No. I can make stick people. And sometimes if I’m really in a mood I can draw a house.”
“I like to draw. I’m not supposed to take the pencils from the art room. I dig the stumps out of the trash so they won’t know.” His hand slid out from under his pillow and he held out a scrap of pencil with no eraser. How did he draw with it? It was shorter than my big toe. Even the point was nothing more than a rounded tip.
“You’re very good.” He was better than just good. I turned another page, amazed again at how clear and perfect his portrait of Grom was.
Noah smiled and then he winced. His delicate fingers brushed the cut above his eye.
I closed the notebook. “I’m sorry you got hurt.”
He shrugged.
“I feel like it’s my fault.”
Noah shook his head. “Markus.” His whisper fractured.
> “Is that the name of the man who came after us?”
He nodded. “He hates me.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
I suppose I shouldn’t have been so shocked. It seemed like hate came in all shapes and sizes and very little of it had any rhyme or reason. But Marcus hating Noah made about as much sense as Emma hating me and Momma. We’d never done anything to her. I might have bitten her once or twice when I was small but I didn’t know better.
I put the notebook on the end of the bed and turned back to Noah. “Do you want to play checkers tonight?”
Noah touched his forehead and glanced at his pillow. His gaze was sad.
“I don’t mind. We can play tomorrow.”
The smile he gave me was beautiful.
*** *** ***
The next morning after I showered, I changed my bindings and my scrubs. Then I went to Noah’s room. He was already gone so I went to the dayroom to see if he was there. I found him looking out the window. Grom sat in a chair in the corner, moving checkers around on the table. His hat was gone and he had on a shirt and tie along with rumpled brown pants. Every so often he’d tug on his beard and smooth down his mustache.
I stood next to Noah and looked down at the parking lot like he did. Cars pulled in one after the other, lining up between the white lines in neat little rows.
“Jonas is coming today.” Noah’s voice had volume for the first word then cracked into a whisper on the rest. He cleared his throat.
“Who’s Jonas?”
“Grom’s grandson.”
Grom had a grandson? I’m not sure why it surprised me. I guess I just hadn’t considered the idea that Grom hadn’t always lived here. That once upon a time he’d had a life and a family. Like me, he’d existed outside these walls.
Did Noah have family? A mother, father, sisters or brothers? I wanted to ask him but I was afraid he’d try and run away.
“Mr. Greenwich?” A nurse stepped out from behind a set of double doors on the other side of the room. “Mr. Greenwich, your visitor is here.”
Grom smoothed down his hair before standing up.
“C’mon.” Noah took my hand and we followed Grom. The nurse didn’t say anything when we passed by her. At the end of the short hall was a large open space. Glass walls curved toward the sky giving an almost three hundred and sixty degree view of the world outside. Thick clouds cut animal shapes against the sheet of crisp blue. It was the kind of sky I’d seen thousands of time while fishing at the river. In a matter of weeks it had been transformed into a new and precious treasure for me. Rose bushes surrounded the room outside almost blocking the view of the parking lot. Nothing could be done to obscure the other branch of the hospital. But even the gray brick monolith was powerless against the view.
Noah tugged on my hand and we walked over to a fat couch. There were potted plants everywhere; on side tables, in the corner of the room. I touched one and was disappointed to find it was made of plastic.
I climbed up next to Noah on the sofa and knelt beside him. Our knees sank into the thick cushions and we hid behind the back of the couch to watch. There were a couple of other residents in here sitting around with their visitors. Not many. I didn’t recognized any of them except for Grom who occupied a small round table across the room. A blond haired man sat across from him. He wore a suit but it didn’t make him look stiff.
Grom frowned and fiddled with his tie. I wasn’t sure if I would look any happier if Emma came to visit me.
“Noah.” He shushed me. I dropped my voice to a whisper and moved closer. “Does anyone ever come visit you?”
He pinched his bottom lip between his teeth and tightened his grip on the swell of fake leather. Noah shook his head.
“Me either.”
His shoulders fell and his gaze was sad but understanding.
Grom and Jonas talked but we were too far away to hear what was being said. After a few minutes Grom sat back in his seat. He rubbed the top of his head then patted down the pockets of his pants. He didn’t find what he was looking for and put his fists on the table. His knuckles were white.
“What’s going on?”
Noah tipped his head in my direction. His gaze stayed on Grom. “He wants to go home and see Sarah.”
Where had I heard that name before? I remembered. “Sarah of the Sunflowers?”
Noah nodded.
“And Jonas won’t let him?” Grom stood up and paced around the table.
His angry voice echoed across the room. “This is an atrocity. You are a barbarian. A scourge. I need to see Sarah, let me see Sarah. I command it!” Grom slammed his fists down on the table. Jonas reached out to him and Grom yanked back. “You, my boy, obviously do not know who you are talking to.” He jabbed a finger towards the sky. “I am the great Gromwaldengreenwich. And I will bring down my wrath upon you. I will blight you with boils and plague. I demand to see Sarah or I shall unleash my wrath upon you and yours!”
Jonas said something we couldn’t hear and shook his head.
“Blasphemy! That is blasphemy!” Grom slapped a chair back against the floor and stormed out.
Jonas slumped against the table with face in his hands. After a moment he ran his fingers through his hair. He looked tired. Standing, he moved like a much older man.
Noah climbed off the sofa and motioned for me to follow. I stopped near the door and watched Jonas pick up the chair Grom had been sitting in. He slid it under the table next to his. When he turned to walk out he caught me staring. I didn’t understand how someone with such gentle eyes could be so cruel to Grom. What would it hurt to let him see Sarah of the Sunflowers?
Jonas raised a hand and waved and for some reason I waved back.
Noah came back through the door to stand beside me. He stopped, gaze narrowing on Jonas.
“What’s wrong?” He shook his head. “Noah?” He took my hand and pulled me out the door.
We found Grom standing in the corner of the dayroom looking out at the parking lot. He was far past his prime, but right then he looked a hundred years old.
“Grom.”
He swiped his fingers under his eye and grinned at me. “Ah, Just Jack. How are you this fine and wonderful day?”
“I’m okay. What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Are you okay?”
“Right as rain, my young knight, right as rain.” He put a hand on Noah’s shoulder. “Have you practiced your incantations and your potions today?”
Noah hid his smile by looking at the floor.
“Yes or no, boy?”
“Yes.” Grom looked at me. “Just this morning Noah was showing me the hummingbird spell.”
Grom’s forehead wrinkled. He looked at Noah. “That’s a very advanced spell. How did it go?”
Noah shrugged and pulled out a straw from his pocket. The end looked chewed on.
Grom gasped. “I am impressed. So it worked! That’s wonderful!” He clapped Noah hard on the shoulder and he fell against me. I put out my arm to catch him.
Noah’s hand brushed my hip and his shoulder pressed against my breast firm enough I knew he could feel the swell under my bindings. The contact made my skin tighten and an ache form in my stomach. His gaze met mine.
My cheeks burned and I backed away. “I’m sorry.” Only I had no idea why. Noah tried to hold my hand and I took another step back. “I need to go.” He said something but I was already running down the hall.
*** *** ***
I stayed in my room. It was dinner time before I saw Noah again.
“Jack?” Noah stood in the doorway, checker board under one arm and his pockets bulging. He cleared his throat. “Are you going to eat dinner?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“I’m not hungry.” I was hungry. I was completely empty. A giant hollow space inside me that no amount of mushy beef stew could fill. I was convinced nothing would ever fill it and I realized as much as I’d loved Mo
mma, the hole had always been there. And I knew even if she could come back it would always be there. I ached with the knowledge. It set fire to my insides, turning me to ash. Destroying my will to care or to live.
Voice gone, Noah held up the checker board.
“I don’t really feel like playing, either.” Why? I liked Noah, he’d become my friend. He made it possible for me to let Elliot go.
“Can I…” Noah pointed to the bed.
“Yes, you can come in.”
He walked over and sat on the edge of my bed. My eyes burned. I rubbed my cheek against my pillow. The fabric was sticky and damp from where I’d been crying. Noah put the checker board down on the floor. He took the milk caps out of his pocket. They clicked against one another and then the board.
Without asking he lay down beside me. His knees touched mine and he tucked his hands under his chin just like me. I imagined I was looking in a mirror. That his blunt chin, Adam’s apple, and square shoulders was mine. There was parts I couldn’t see, but they’d also be on my body. Even covered up in clothes I’d be aware of every detail, from how the muscles in my arms wouldn’t be without shape, how my chest would be flat, to the weight between my legs. I’d be constructed of straight lines and not curves.
The want of these things made me angry with Noah, and I didn’t want to be angry with him. Did he see my jealousy? He had to. It ate at my body like a disease.
I stared at Noah and he stared at me.
“Noah?”
He blinked in that slow way that told me I had his attention.
Shame made it hard for me to swallow. “Do you think there’s something wrong with me?”
His eyebrows came together.
“Emma sent me here because she thinks there’s something wrong with me.”
“What?”
“I don’t want to be a girl.”
“Why?”
“It feels wrong.”
He frowned and I could tell he was thinking.
I didn’t want to cry again and fought against the burning in my eyes and throat. “I cover everything up but it doesn’t change anything. I’m still a girl on the outside and a boy on the inside. It doesn’t change and I want it to change.”
JACK Page 6