“Why does it matter?”
“Because.”
“Because why?”
“No one understands. They want me to wear dresses and they want to call me Jacqueline. I want to be kissed but no one wants to be with a girl who is a boy.”
“How do you know?”
“What?”
“No one wants to kiss you?”
“I loved Elliot and he wouldn’t kiss me because I wasn’t a boy.”
“Maybe someone else won’t care.” Noah moved closer to me and the collar of his shirt pulled down enough to reveal his scars. There were more around his wrists and they disappeared up his sleeve. When he breathed they pulled against his skin. The shape and texture reminded me of how bubblegum looked stuck to the bottom of a shoe.
I brought my gaze up and could see the green in his blue eyes. Rimmed by dark lashes they all but glowed. Noah tilted his head. His eyelids fluttered closed and his lips pressed against mine. His skin was warm, soft, sweet.
When he pulled back he smiled.
So did I.
Chapter Seven
The new orderly’s name was Frank and I did not like him. He had hard eyes and a chiseled face. He’d watch me while pretending to look somewhere else. Cold chills would race up my spine when I turned my back on him. At night when he walked the halls I locked my door.
I swear sometimes he’d stand right outside. Like the demon in the side hall of A wing. His shadow would clog the window and I could hear him breathe. A beast as dangerous as the river.
I was tired when I went to my Wednesday session to see Dr. Chance and of course he noticed. “Not sleeping?”
I lay my head down in the crook of my elbow, propped on the arm of the couch. “I’m fine.”
“You have circles under your eyes. Is there a reason you’re having problems sleeping?”
Yes. The beast. “Not really.”
“There has to be a reason, Jacqueline. I’d like for you to share it with me.”
I picked up my head. “I asked you not to call me that.”
“You want me to call you Jack?”
“Yes.”
“But Jacqueline is a beautiful name and it suits you very well.”
“I don’t care. It’s not who I am.”
“Because?”
“You know.”
“Why does being a girl frighten you so much?”
Was he serious? “I’m not scared of being a girl. I just don’t want to be a girl. There’s a difference.”
“Which is?”
“To be scared means something happened to make you that way.”
He nodded and took his pen out of his breast pocket. “Did something happen to make you scared?”
“No.”
“Nothing?”
“No, because I’m not scared.”
The ball point scratched against the paper. “When did you decide you wanted to be a boy?”
“I didn’t decide.”
He stopped writing. “There had to be some point you decided to leave your female self behind and adopt the idea of being male.”
“No, there doesn’t.”
“Jacqueline.”
“Jack!”
“Ok, Jack.”
“Thank you.”
He waited, pen poised over his important notebook. “Would you please answer my question, Jack?”
I asked one of my own instead. “When did you decide you were a man?”
“Excuse me?”
“If I made a choice to be a boy, when did you decide to be a man?”
His smile was forced. “I never chose to be a man, Jack, I was born that way.”
I shrugged. “So was I.”
*** *** ***
I carried my tray over to what had become my usual spot in the cafeteria.
Grom grinned at me. He had eggs stuck in his teeth. “Ah, Just Jack, how wonderful for you to join us.”
I yawned as I sat down next to Noah. He watched me with a worried expression.
“Are you well?” Grom said.
“I’m fine. Just tired.” I spooned up a bite of oatmeal.
“I see. The sandman has not been kind to you, has he? Have you tried placing stones in your window in the shape of a fish?”
The oatmeal on my spoon slid off into my plate. “A fish?”
“Yes. The sandman loves fish.”
“Why fish?”
Grom twisted his mouth to the side while poking his fork into his eggs. “Come to think of it, I have no idea why he likes fish.”
Noah laughed and so did I.
After a moment Noah said, “Sometimes I have nightmares.”
“Your voice is coming back.” I really liked the sound of it.
“Takes a while.” Noah put a hand to his throat for a moment. “Are bad dreams the reason why you can’t sleep?”
I drew shapes in my oatmeal with my spoon. “It’s not nightmares that keep me up.”
His right eyebrow went up.
“It’s the new orderly.”
Noah leaned forward so he could see around my shoulder. I didn’t have to look to know Frank was watching me.
I put my lips close to Noah’s ear. “He stands outside my door at night.”
“Are you sure?” He turned his head. Now his mouth was close to mine.
“Yes.”
“How do you know?”
“I hear him breathing and he blocks the window.”
“What do you do?”
I shrugged. “The only thing I can. I close my door.”
“And he just stands there?”
“Yes.”
“All night?”
“Not all night. He leaves but he comes back. He watches me, Noah. All the time.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
Grom tapped his finger on the table. “What are you two whispering about? You’re not planning a quest without me, are you?”
I laughed. “Of course not.”
“Good. I’m too busy with my flight spell right now to accompany you and you’re too young to go off on your own. Ogres and demons, beasts of all kinds are out there in the forests.”
I held up my hand. “I promise, Grom. We won’t go on any quest without you.” When I dropped it back into my lap, Noah’s fingers pushed between mine.
“It’s supposed to storm tonight.” He squeezed and I squeezed back.
“I won’t let you be alone.” I never left him alone when it stormed. I just had to make sure the hall was clear before I snuck into his room at night and again in the morning.
“What about Frank? I don’t want something to happen to you.”
“It won’t.”
“How will you…” His gaze went over my shoulder.
“I’ll come through the vent.”
*** *** ***
I was given a new privilege. The freedom to go outside. The garden wasn’t much, mostly grass and a few scraggly bushes. There wasn’t a view because the stone walls were too high for anyone to see over. There were benches and a couple of trees in the garden. The new leaves made patches of shade for people to sit under. It was warm for the end of May but I didn’t care. I stood in the sun with my face turned up, letting the warmth bathe my eyelids, my nose, and my lips.
If only I could have touched it. Wrapped myself up inside. I’d never known how to describe my momma before. Now I knew.
“Jack.”
I heard Noah all the way from the door. He walked over. “C’mere, I want to show you something.” I followed him to the corner of the yard where there was no one else. He turned to face me. “If I show you this, you have to promise not to tell anyone.”
“What is it?”
“Something really neat.”
I grinned. “Okay.”
“Swear?”
I held up a hand. “Yeah, I swear.”
He knelt and picked up a stick. Noah used the branch to move some of the grass out of the way. There was a hollow place in the ground
tucked close to the wall. Something small and brown moved.
I got on my knees beside him, trying to see what it was. Tiny black eyes and a twitching nose pointed upward. The brown of their coats made the baby rabbits almost invisible. They were so young their ears were still round. One had a white spot on its chest.
“I’ve been watching them for two weeks. I saw their momma come in and out of here and followed her.”
“How do you think she got in?”
Noah shrugged. “No telling. Rabbits can dig. Maybe she dug under the wall, like you squeeze through the vent.”
“Maybe.”
“What are you two doing over there?” Noah and I jumped to our feet. Frank stopped a few feet away. His hard gaze fell on Noah, and then stayed on me. “Answer me.”
“Nothing.”
“Is that right?” Frank took a step closer and he jerked his chin at Noah. “What do you have in your hand?”
Noah showed him the stick. “I was just using it to poke in the ant hill.”
“You’re not supposed to pick up sticks and rocks. Rules of the yard.”
Noah dropped it on the ground. I didn’t wait to see if Frank had anything else to say to us. I grabbed Noah’s hand and we ran to where Grom sat on one of the benches.
We stopped under the shade tree out of breath. “Do you think he knows about the rabbits?”
I glanced back at Frank. He had the stick in his hand now, and was heading back towards his post by the door. “No. I don’t think so.” I hoped not. I hated to think he would do something to the baby rabbits. Deep down I knew he would too. There was something dark and wicked about Frank, like the monsters on wing A. But he was far more dangerous, because he wasn’t tucked away behind a steel door.
We sat down next to Grom who didn’t say anything.
I leaned forward. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Just Jack. Just fine.” His gnarled hand patted me on my knee.
“You look sad.”
“I am deep in thought.” He tapped a finger against his temple. “It takes much concentration to create the perfect spell. And I must have the perfect spell. I need powerful sorcery to face my up and coming battle.”
Noah whispered in my ear. “Tomorrow’s visiting day.”
I’d forgotten. Visiting day meant Jonas would be coming.
Grom took his hat off and held it in his hands. His crooked fingers petted the grungy trim. The ball at the end had been worn down to a few white tufts. Was he thinking about Sarah of the Sunflowers? I was pretty sure the answer was yes. I think Grom always thought about her, a lot like I thought about momma. I hated seeing Grom sad and the only time he was like this was right before Jonas came to visit and right after he left.
“Grom?”
“Yes, young knight?”
“Will you tell us about one of your quests?”
His mustache moved. I knew he smiled because his eyes crinkled up. “I have many stories, which one would you care to hear?”
“Pick the best one.” I nudged Noah with my elbow.
“Please.” He pulled the straw out his pocket and showed it to Grom.
Grom took it and tried to smooth out the kinks. “Your wand is showing much wear. Perhaps it is time for a new one.”
“I like this one.”
“Really? Why is that my young apprentice?”
“Because you gave it to me.”
Grom handed it back to Noah, and then cleared his throat and straightened his shoulders. “And what kind of story shall I amaze you with? Perhaps the time I entered dangerous lands to fight the gorgons? Or the time I met Sir Bridges in the battle of the Black Sea?”
Noah and I laughed. I said, “Either.”
“There was also the time I flew over the ocean on the back of a dragon.”
“A dragon?”
Grom held his fist up to the sky. “A fierce and mighty beast. I had to tame him in order to lead my troops into battle during the Great War. We fought together in many battles against the evil Empires of faraway lands. And once…”
A nurse walked over and said Grom’s name.
“Yes, milady?”
“It’s time to take your meds.”
“But I was about to tell Just Jack and Noah about my adventures in the great beyond!”
“You can tell them after.”
“After?”
“It’s okay Grom, we’ll see you at dinner.” I patted his hand.
“You promise?”
“Yes.”
“A knight must always keep his promises, Just Jack. Can you always keep your promises?”
I glanced at Noah then back at Grom. “Of course sir. I will always keep my promises.”
*** *** ***
The storm was bad and it started right after dinner. It was dangerous to go through the vent before night time, because Dr. Chance or one of the nurses could come to the door. If they looked in Noah’s room I would be hidden under his bed. And if they looked in my room my pillows and blankets piled on my bed made it look like I was asleep. I didn’t want to get caught but I had to risk it. I’d promised not to leave Noah alone and like Grom said, promises should not be broken.
I climbed down from the vent. Noah already had the pillow and blanket with him under the bed. I pulled up the edge of the sheet hanging over the edge of the mattress and crawled under with him. The warmth of his body was a sharp contrast to the cold tile floor. At least it wasn’t winter.
“Hey.”
Noah held my hand to his chest. I could feel him shaking.
I pushed back his hair from his damp forehead. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” He nodded.
“I’m sorry.” I felt his words more than heard them. A moist caress against my lips.
“For what?”
“Being scared.”
“That’s no reason to apologize.”
“Dr. Chance says I shouldn’t be afraid.”
“Dr. Chance says I should be a girl.”
Noah laughed then he trembled. He was quiet for a very long time. Outside the stormed growled like an angry beast. Finally he said, “The storms scared my mother.”
I squeezed his hand. “Mine too.”
“She would take us into the cellar even if it was only rain.”
“Momma and me, we’d go into the cellar when it was bad, but never just because it rained.”
“Mother was afraid of the rain.”
“Why?”
“She said that’s when the bad things happened.” The way he said ‘bad’ made the word feel as big as a mountain.
“Bad how?”
Noah stayed quiet.
“Bad how, Noah?”
Thunder crashed and I could hear the wind pound the concrete walls. The entire building shook. Noah clung to me. Would we be here tomorrow or would the storm blow us away? I kissed Noah on the cheek and decided as long as I had him I didn’t care.
“You won’t let them get me, right?”
I still didn’t know who they were. But, I meant it when I said, “Never.”
Chapter Eight
Two weeks after the storm they were still cleaning up the mess. The winds had ripped branches from the trees and hurled them like missiles into the glass of the visitation room. The day after the storm Jonas came and Grom had to meet with him in the cafeteria. At least the visitation room was fixed now.
I didn’t think the trees in the garden were ever going to be the same, leaves shredded, branches twisted. But living things survived worse. Like the rabbits. Somehow they’d come out unscathed when bigger stronger things had crumbled under the high winds and merciless hail.
The rabbits hopped along the wall now, disappearing into the grass when people made too much noise. Noah and I lay out on the ground just beyond a rise in the earth watching them play.
“Maybe we should name them?”
Noah laughed. With his voice back it was no longer a hiss of air. “Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Hippity, Hoppity, and Cotton Tail.”
I bumped his shoulder. “Don’t be silly.”
“I’m not.”
“Yes you are.”
“They’re rabbits. The names fit.”
He was right. “Okay, fine. What about the fourth one?”
“Bob.”
I gave him a look. “Bob?”
“Short for Bob Tail, he’s Cotton Tail’s twin.”
We watched them make a tight circle chasing each other. All four dove into the hole under the wall and disappeared.
“I wish I could do that,” I said.
Noah turned to look at me. “What?”
“Go under the wall. Escape.”
“Why?”
I rolled over on my back and tucked my arms behind my head. “To be free. To get out of here.”
“You don’t like it here?” Noah stared at his hands as he ran them through the grass. The blades tore when his grip tightened. Streaks of green stained his skin.
“And you do?”
He shrugged.
“Don’t you want to go home?”
Noah’s hands curled against the ground. Without any warning he got to his feet.
“Noah?” I hurried to catch up, following him through the door and into the dayroom. “Noah? What’s wrong?” He wouldn’t stop. I grabbed his hand. At first I thought he was going to pull away. I felt his resistance to the contact, then his arm relaxed and his body shuffled closer. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Please don’t run away.”
“You didn’t.” His other hand petted my arm, making feather light touches against my skin. I caught my breath. My heart sped up. The deep ache I sometimes felt when he was around, returned. I was hot and cold at the same time.
I wanted him to touch me all over like that.
He stopped. “I just don’t want you to leave, because if you do I’ll be alone.”
“What if you left too?”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t have anywhere but here.”
It took me a moment to realize what he’d meant. “Nowhere?”
“No.”
I only had Emma and Momma’s old house, but at least it was somewhere. I had a hard time imagining what it would be like to have nowhere at all. Nowhere but this place. “If I was to leave you could come stay with me in Momma’s house.”
JACK Page 7