JACK

by Wilder, Adrienne

  He held up three then five fingers.

  “Days.”

  He jabbed his thumb up.

  “Weeks?”

  Again.

  “Months?”

  He nodded.

  Three to five months of strange people walking around and staring. I had the urge to run back to my room and tear a strip off my sheet. Noah must have figured out what I was thinking. He tapped my arm to get my attention, and then pulled up the sleeve of his smock showing me his scars.

  He was bare so I could be bare too. I put an arm around my ribs and we pretended to keep playing while Dr. Chance led the students around the room. Several broke off and they went about chatting, walking up to patients, pointing, tipping their heads together and sharing secrets.

  I felt like a bug in a jar as they walked by acting like we weren’t even people. No hellos, no introductions. They talked about us and made notes on their clipboards.

  Noah didn’t like them either. Eventually they wandered away.

  I gave my attention back to the checkerboard. “Whose move is it?”

  Noah took my last four pieces in one move.

  “Damn it!” My fist hit the table and made the black and red circles jump.

  He held up a piece.

  “I can’t. I gotta go to session.” I glanced at the clock as I stood up. “And I’ll be late if I don’t go now.”

  He nodded.

  I leaned over and kissed him on the side of the head. “I’ll be back later for a rematch.”

  I made it to Dr. Chance’s office out of breath and two minutes late. “I’m sorry I lost track of time.” I went right over to my chair. It wasn’t until I sat down that I noticed there were two additional people in his office this time. Or more precisely, students from the group I’d seen earlier. I recognized the girl with the red hair.

  “Jacqueline, this is Dr. Moor and Dr. Webb.”

  “What are they doing here?”

  “They’ve come to observe and partake in this session with me.”

  “I don’t want them here.”

  “Neither one of them are incompetent. They have both looked over your records and are well informed on your treatment. It’s important that they sit in on talks like this. It’s how they learn. One day one of them could even replace me here at the facility.”

  “I don’t care. I want them to leave.”

  Both students exchanged uneasy looks. Dr. Chance sat forward in his chair. “They are not leaving. They are here on my good graces and deserve your respect. I know you will do that for me, Jacqueline. I won’t have to ask you again.”

  As if he’d ever asked at all.

  I drew my legs up into the chair and looked out the window.

  “Is there anything in particular you want to talk about?” The woman’s question was so rehearsed it hurt to listen to her.

  “Not really.”

  “Do you…” Papers shuffled. “Do you want to talk about your mother?”

  “No.”

  “What about the reason you want to become male?”

  Become male. As if it was a conscious decision. I didn’t even bother with giving her a reply.

  At least when the man took his turn he wasn’t so nervous he had to check his notes to remember what he was going to ask me.

  It continued that way, for what seemed like days; the woman, the man, then the woman, then the man again, asking the same stupid questions Dr. Chance had asked when I first came here. I think he was wrong. I didn’t think they studied my file one bit. If they had they already knew what my answers would be.

  Sometimes I gave a yes or no reply but most of the time I stayed quiet and stared out the window. The sky was clear but bleached to a pale blue by the sun. I didn’t need to go out there to know it was hot. Heat radiated off the side of the building, invisible until the light hit just right. Then, like the hidden eddies under the surface of the river back home, you could see ripples in the air.

  August was always a brutal month in Georgia. Often called the Dog Days of Summer. I have no idea why they called them that considering it seemed to be the worst time of year to be stuck inside a fur coat.

  I wondered if Elliot and Mikey were eating watermelon right now on the rickety back porch of the small house they rented. Were they laughing? Were they touching? Were they looking at each other in the way two people do when they are in love? Like their minds were tuned into the same channel and they could reach each other’s thoughts from a look or just the way a person holds their body?

  I wanted that with Noah. I wanted to sit on a back porch somewhere with a big watermelon cut in half. Each of us with a spoon carving out dips of juicy red fruit and laughing about something stupid. Maybe we’d have a seed spitting contest and see who could launch the little black tear drops the farthest. Most of all I wanted to taste his mouth sticky with sweet juices.

  But something like that would only happen if we were ever allowed to leave this place. It was a hope I woke up to every day, fueled by a night’s worth of dreams of fishing, horseback riding, and hiking through the woods. A hope that was crushed as reality came rolling in with the sunset.

  Like Noah, I no longer asked when I could go home. It seemed the only one of us who still held those dreams was Grom. Dreams that were appropriately placed between imaginary kingdoms, knights, fire demons, and ogres who walked the halls, and spells that could solve all your problems with a wave of a straw.

  Dr. Chance said my name and I gave him my attention. He motioned to the dressing blind. “If you like you can take off the bra now.”

  “Is there a catch?”

  His mouth quirked. “A catch?”

  “Yeah. If I take it off will I lose any privileges?”

  “No. I would prefer that you continue wearing it and I have more if you decide to do that, but I gave you my word it was only for one day.”

  I knew taking off the bra was going to be worse than having it on. The material shaped my chest but it also held it still. If I took it off, the weight of my breasts would be free and every step, every movement I made, would remind me they were there.

  Dr. Chance knew this too. I think he expected me to give in and wear the bra.

  I thought of Noah and how brave he was. How he’d stripped off the long sleeve shirt and bared his scars. Scars he could never hide. Parts of him that was ugly and frightening. He let them show, knowing the world would see them.

  And he’d done it for me.

  I didn’t bother with going behind the dressing blind. I stripped off my smock and practically ripped the bra from my body and threw it down on the floor between us.

  Dr. Chance’s professional mask fractured and for a second and I saw surprise. The two students were nowhere as controlled. Their mouths fell open like barn doors. I stood up with my shirt in hand and jerked my chin into the air.

  I think Dr. Chance knew then, the battle was on.

  *** *** ***

  It was after nine when Grom showed up. He was dressed in his usual Santa hat and green bath robe, but he’d replaced the glasses with a pair of swimming goggles. He also carried a backpack. “Are we ready to embark? I’ve brought supplies. Food, water, and a map.”

  I hoped we wouldn’t need a map to get to the end of the hall.

  The custodian was in the same place he was every night at this time, mopping the floors. His back and forth of movements was almost hypnotic.

  Grom put the backpack on the floor and opened it up. He gave me a plastic spoon and a napkin with strange scribbles.

  “What’s this for?”

  “That, my dear boy, is your amulet of strength. You will need it to free the key.”

  “I thought you said the ring it was on was flimsy.”

  Grom blinked at me like an owl from behind blue green cups of plastic. “It is. But ogres are tricky creatures. They protect their treasures. And that key is the greatest treasure of all.”

  The greatest. Now I was worried. “You said they wouldn’t notice it miss
ing.”

  “They won’t.”

  “The greatest means people notice it.”

  Grom huffed out a breath so hard his mustache lifted from his upper lip. “You are not making this easy, Just Jack.”

  “I don’t want us to get in trouble.”

  “The key is old. It’s priceless but it’s also forgotten. The one entrusted to care for it has grown lazy. He will not notice it’s gone and therefore the Grand Duke won’t either.” He handed Noah three jelly beans.

  Noah gave me a questioning look.

  “What are the jellybeans for?”

  “You ask too many questions, young knight. Now is not the time for them. We must hurry, timing is everything.”

  Noah shrugged and ate them.

  “Now.” Grom zipped up the backpack and put it back on. “When he goes inside the room, I will go over to the guardian window and entertain the sphinx. You”—he pointed to Noah—“Will go shut the door after the ogre goes inside. You must do it quietly or he will hear you. Then wedge the doorstop under the edge of the door. You must remain there with your ear to the door and listen.” Grom looked at me. “Your job is the most important. You must be quick. There is no room for hesitation here. If we are caught we will all be drawn and quartered and tortured in the worst ways.”

  Worse, we’d lose our privileges.

  Grom put a hand on my shoulder. His face was serious. “This is the most important part. The key you need is at the very end on a separate ring. Do not forget that. Tear it off. You might have to pull hard but you are a young man. Strong. Strapping. You can do this. Last but not least. If you succeed, you must kick the wedge back out from under the door. Only leave it there so if he should exit too soon it will give you time to get away.” He took out his straw. “Are we ready?”

  I nodded. Grom headed across the near-empty dayroom and stopped in front of the nurse’s desk. The window didn’t face the door, thank goodness, but it wouldn’t take much for one of them to stand up and catch a glimpse of us crouched by the wall.

  We waited until the custodian went into the hall. Like last night, he left the keys in the door. When he was out of sight Noah went in. He froze in front of the hallway, gaze on the hall.

  I hissed out his name but he didn’t look at me. It wasn’t my turn but I figured it wouldn’t matter. I joined him and he blinked rapidly, coming back from wherever he went. He moved the wedge clear and pushed the door, making sure to do it gently so it didn’t make any sound. The wedge went under the outside edge and Noah pressed his ear against the surface. He nodded and I went for the key.

  As sure as I was about getting caught, Grom was right. It was easy. The key was where he said it would be and the ring holding it wasn’t strong. I pulled, the thin metal coil stretched, and the key came loose. Weighed down by guilt, it felt like a million pounds in my hand. Now it was my turn to be concreted in place.

  I’d never stolen anything before. I wondered what Momma would think about me doing this.

  Noah grabbed my arm. We ran back towards the hall. Looking back I saw the wedge still under the door. Noah had forgotten to move it. He shot back across the dayroom before I could stop him and kicked the wedge out of the way. The door came open at the same moment hard enough to bump against the block wall.

  I was sure Noah was caught. I was sure we were all caught. I stood at the end of the hall like a deer in headlights. The custodian walked out. The door moved and I could see Noah behind it, pressed against the wall.

  One of the toilet paper rolls in the custodian’s hands fell as he headed on to his cart. If he went back for it he’d see Noah. I grabbed it up and carried it over to him. With my hand behind my back I motioned for Noah to run.

  “Here, you dropped this.”

  He smiled and had two teeth missing in the front. “Why thank you, darlin’.”

  “You’re welcome.” I glanced back to see Noah disappear down the hallway. I started to follow him.

  “Hey!”

  My blood ran cold. I turned and the custodian waved me back over.

  “Yes?”

  He held out a piece of candy. “For being helpful.”

  I put it in my pocket next to the key.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Jonas showed up right on time. Grom sat down in front of him. He seemed unusually calm. For the first time since I’d seen them talk there was no agitation from Grom. He sat with his hands folded on the table and a gentle smile on his face. He did not get mad. He did not storm off. He did laugh though.

  Noah nudged my arm. I looked at him. His eyebrows came together and his mouth cut a slash across his chin.

  “What?”

  He leaned close to me. The warmth of his chest pressed against my arm. Something that was much more noticeable since he’d quit wearing the long underwear. “Grom is acting funny.”

  Yeah, I guess in a way he was. “He seems happy.”

  “There’s something wrong.”

  There was something wrong, but it seemed silly to be worried when there was so much happiness in Grom’s expression. After almost two hours of talking, they said their goodbyes and Grom hugged Jonas and left.

  Noah headed for the doors and I followed. Jonas called my name and walked over. I stopped and so did Noah.

  “Do you have time to talk?”

  I looked at Noah. All he had to do is say the word and I would leave Jonas standing there. The only one in this room who meant anything to me was him. And Noah knew it.

  He squeezed my hand and smiled.

  “Are you sure?”

  Noah nodded.

  I let go and he walked out.

  “Is he mad again?”

  “No, he’s fine. You wanted to talk?”

  Jonas motioned to the two arm chairs on the other side of the sofa. “I figured we’d talk in here since it’s so miserable outside.”

  It was miserable. The visiting room was air-conditioned and I could still feel the heat building. Not quite as torrid as it was outside but bad enough that kneeling on the vinyl sofa and watching Grom had left the knees of my pants wet.

  The only reason it was at all bearable was because the sky was overcast. Clouds had gathered as the temperature outside rose. Now they were thick and black, fueled by bursts of wind. The bushes slapped against the glass.

  Jonas hung his jacket over the back of the chair before sitting. “I wanted to thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “Whatever it was you said to Grandpa.”

  “But I didn’t say anything to him.”

  “You had to. He was like a changed man. He only asked about Sarah once and when I told him she was gone he didn’t get angry. We talked. We really talked. Just like we used to when I was a kid. Granted, it was stories about his conquests. But it was him. The man I’d grown up with.”

  “I swear, it wasn’t me.”

  Jonas’s smile went crooked. “Well, something happened. Are you sure you didn’t talk to him after our last visit or something?”

  I shook my head. “No, I swear.”

  “Maybe the medicine is finally working.”

  He sounded so hopeful I hated to bring up any doubt. “Noah thinks something is wrong and I agree with him.”

  “Wrong?”

  “He’s never happy when you leave. He’s always angry.”

  “I know. Isn’t it wonderful?”

  The more I thought about it the less wonderful it seemed. “I’m worried about him.”

  “Don’t be. He’s happy. He’s finally happy.” Jonas flipped his wrist over and tapped the face of his watch. “I better get going.” He stood and put his jacket on. I stood too. Jonas stepped in front of me. “Thank you.”

  “I told you—” He pressed a finger to my lips and then held my chin.

  “I know what you told me, but I’ve been coming here since I got my driver’s license and he’s never been happy. Not once. This time he is. I owe someone. It might as well be you.” Jonas leaned forward and kissed the spot
close to my eye.

  The touch was momentary but the softness of contact burned its way into my skin. When Jonas stepped away I put a hand to my cheek.

  “I’ll see you next time, then?”

  I nodded. He left and I went to find Noah.

  He was in the dayroom standing by the window with his fingers pushed through the mesh staring out into the parking lot.

  I stepped up next to him. “You okay?”

  He nodded.

  “I told Jonas something was wrong with Grom but he didn’t believe me.”

  Noah’s hand found mine. His shoulder touched my shoulder. Outside the wind blew hard enough to drive people to their cars in a run. His eyes scanned the clouds. They were darker now.

  “Do you want to go to your room?” His lips moved and I leaned closer so I could hear him.

  “My mother.”

  “What about her?”

  “She heard voices.”

  I glanced back at the people in the dayroom. “You mean like they do here?”

  He nodded. Noah cleared his throat. “The rain always made them angry.”

  “Do you hear voices?” I didn’t think he did. Not that it would matter to me.

  He shook his head. “I was too young to understand. I thought there were really people I couldn’t see.” A few large fat drops splattered against the window. Noah trembled.

  “We don’t have to stay out here.”

  “Not yet,” he said. “I have to tell you out here. I can’t in there.”

  “Tell me what?” His hand tightened and I moved closer, close enough to hold him, close enough that his lips pressed against my ear.

  “The voices…one night they were bad.” His tears were warm on my cheek.

  “What happened?” Something had happened. Something so terrible he didn’t even want to be where he felt safest. As if it might taint it. Or maybe remove any illusion it gave him.

  Noah pulled away enough to put his arm between us. We stared at the scars mapping across his skin. I touched them. He didn’t seem to mind now so I did it a lot. Not because I was curious anymore but because they were a part of him.

  “It happened that night.” He touched his scars too.

  “The accident?”