It’s not long until Simon pulls onto my street. Shit! We are here! This feels so bloody terrifyingly weird! I am failing miserably at composing myself. My hands are cold and clammy. I am struggling to swallow because my throat is that tight and dry.
“Here we are, Jessica. I will wait here for you.” Simon says, looking in his rear view mirror.
“Thanks, Simon.” I reach for the door handle, slowly getting out of the car. You can do this, Jessica! With weighted feet, I walk along the path I have walked along hundreds of times before . . . only now it feels foreign and friendless.
My terrified, shaky hand knocks on the glossy green door. I listen for the sound of footsteps. When I do hear someone coming, part of me is relieved while the other part is completely lost to fear. When the door opens, Shawn’s surprised eyes are the first thing to greet me. His once sparkling blue eyes are now dull and tired. He clearly has lost a lot of weight. His once defined handsome face, now looks painfully gaunt and pale. He runs his apprehensive fingers through his dark hair with a dumbfounded expression. To see him so unkempt and solemn is painful, knowing that the reason he looks this way is all because of me. I am trying to think of something to say, but the words are stuck in my throat. Smiling at him would be insulting. So I stand there. Too shit scared to say or do anything, for fear it will only make things worse.
Shawn’s look of surprise is quickly replaced by one that is indignant and reviled.
“What do you want?” he snaps harshly.
“I’m sorry to just show up like this, Shawn. No one answers any of my calls or texts, so you’ve left me no other choice.” I nervously babble my reason for just turning up on the doorstep.
Shawn visibly tenses, his face now agitated. “I said . . . what do you want?” His raised voice startles me.
“I just want to see the girls.” I weakly reply, too afraid to look him in the eye.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
I lift my eyes from the floor. “Are they here?” I ask, trying to look past his shoulder.
Shawn guards the door, closing it slightly to prevent me from seeing into the hallway. “Yes they are, but they don’t want to see you.”
“Can I please just see them, Shawn?” I beg.
“No.” His blunt and cold manner has me shaken. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but it’s still hurtful when he speaks to me as though I am nothing, looking at me with only hate in his empty soulless eyes.
“I am sorry for everything, Shawn. I truly am, but they are my daughters, too.” I try to fight back with shaky words.
“You gave up all your rights when you fucked him,” he spits out. I look to the ground, unable to look him in the eye once again. To see the man who used to adore me and only ever look at me with love in his eyes treat me like this is heart wrenching. I don’t want to cry in front of him, that would be far too pathetic for words. I have hurt him in an unbelievable and most despicable way, but I have to stay strong. Lissy and Lottie are my daughters. I have a right to see them. Regardless of what Shawn thinks of me and because of what I have done to him, I still have to fight for my girls.
“What if I go away and come back in a bit then? You could maybe prepare the girls?” I ask, with my hands clasped in front of me. Almost as if I am subconsciously praying that Shawn will say yes. .
My silent prayer is angrily met with a pissed off sigh. “Listen, I told you no and I mean fucking no!” His loud, annoyed voice alerts Catherine, who is in the kitchen. Shit! That’s all I need! I brace myself for a tirade of abuse.
“Shawn, what’s wrong love . . . who is it?” As soon as she sees me her spiteful, repugnant face sneers down at me. “Look what the cat’s dragged in. What exactly are you doing here?” She asks, folding her arms with pursed lips.
I try to stand up straight, to appear less intimidated. “I have come to see my girls, Catherine.” I answer, looking her straight in the eye.
“Well they don’t want to see you . . . ever! You have brought shame to their lives. They are embarrassed to even say you are their mother. Your trampy little ways are certainly not how any mother should act.” A lump forms in my throat, but I know I can’t fall apart in front of her . . . especially not in front of her!
“They are my daughters, Catherine, not yours.” I argue.
“You never once thought of your daughters when you were behaving like a slutty little alley cat with your famous boyfriend, though. Did you?”
“Nan!” I hear Lissy’s distressed voice cry out. We all stop in our tracks.
“Lissy darling, how are you?” I look at my daughter’s confused and shocked face. She is searching her father’s blank face, then back at mine. She is visibly upset and all I want to do is push past both Catherine and Shawn to hold her in my sorry arms.
“Lissy, go to your room!” Catherine’s firm tone of voice towards Lissy infuriates me.
“Let her speak to me, this has nothing to do with you,” I demand. I try to get Shawn to look at me. I want to beg him to agree with me, but he coldly stares ahead, devoid of all emotion.
I peep around a guarding Catherine. “I have missed you so much, darling, and your sister.”
“Lissy go upstairs . . . now!” Lissy looks at a scolding Catherine and then at Shawn, who doesn’t even acknowledge her. Tears begin to fill her eyes, she briefly looks at me then runs upstairs. I can’t take this pain! What have I done?
As soon as Lissy is out of sight, Catherine’s glaring eyes look down at me with pure hatred and vehemence. “It’s time you go. You are not welcome here anymore, Jessica.”
“That may be so, but you can’t stop me from seeing my girls. I don’t want to Shawn, but I will fight you on this if I have to.” His vague and lost expression meets mine as he pushes Catherine from the door, holding it firmly.
“Just go, Jessica.” With that, he slams the door in my face.
I momentarily stand there, numb and completely exhausted of all emotion. I reluctantly turn and walk slowly back down the condemned path with defeated steps. I instinctively look up at Lissy’s bedroom window; to my sad surprise, both my beautiful daughters are standing there with completely lost expressions. I hesitate to smile as I struggle to hold back my tears. They weakly smile down at me and Lottie warily waves, but Catherine comes to the window and angrily draws the curtains across. I stare at the window in the hope that I may catch another heartwarming glimpse of my girls, but they have gone. I hurriedly walk back to the car. Rain has started and falls heavily on my broken body, unable to wash away the sadness suffocating me. Simon quickly opens the door for me. I daren’t look at his kind face as I’ll break down.
“You okay, Jessica?”
The words I manage to say are the only words I speak until we reach Chelsea. “Just take me home please, Simon.”
The inner sadness, which has been choking me since we left Cheltenham, is nearing breaking point by the time we reach Chelsea. I don’t remember much of the journey. It is only when I am in the lift at Jonny’s that my consciousness rejoins my despondent body.
Walking into the apartment, I can hear Jonny chatting to Beef in the kitchen. Simon walks ahead of me, but I decide to go straight to my room. I need some space where I can allow my suppressed tears to fall. I rush up the stairs, my stupid legs don’t seem to be moving quickly enough.
I hear Jonny call out to me. “Jessica, what’s happened?” I listen to his frantic footsteps following me. I open the bedroom door, sitting down on the neatly made bed. I am drenched in devastation, a numbing nothingness. As soon as Jonny enters the room he is kneeling beside me, cupping my hands with his. “What happened, darling?” He asks in a soft whisper.
I struggle to find the words, but Jonny is patient. “I briefly saw the girls today, but they wouldn’t let me see them properly.”
“Who is they?” Jonny asks gently.
“Shawn and his mum. I knew it was going to be tough, but Shawn was just so . . . so cold. ” I lift my heartbroken head to look a
t Jonny. “Catherine said the girls are ashamed and embarrassed because of me.” I collapse into his safe arms on the bedroom floor. My sobs echo down the hall. I entrust every part of my fragmented self to him. No words are spoken, Jonny just holds me like an inconsolable child as I purge myself of everything torturing me.
I wake up on the bed, in the dark. My eyes feel sore and my head is pounding. At first I think I am alone, but then I hear the comforting sound of Jonny’s soft breathing beside me. I feel better knowing he is there. I lie back down and wrap myself around his sleeping, curled up body. Feeling me, he turns around and holds me into his chest, tenderly kissing my head. We lie there in the dark, with only the sound of our breathing. It hurts too much to remember the day’s events. My last memory of Lissy’s and Lottie’s faces appears every time I open my eyes; Shawn’s face is there when I close them. Many will say that this is just what I deserve. I had an affair. I am justifiably not allowed to ever be happy again. Just when I think I am coping, my emotions seize me once more. I can’t seem to stop my strangled sobs. Jonny’s arms tighten around me. “Sshhh, my darling. I promise you it’s going to be okay.” The warmth of his arms along with his soothing words begin to calm me. As devastated as I am, it feels right to be here. I belong here. Can two torturous wrongs ever make one beautiful right? I pray that to be true. I have to believe that Jonny and I can still be happy. That our love will rise through the ashes of our affair. That fate isn’t going to intervene and destroy our love, using my girls and New York to do it. Every single one of my assaulting thoughts, physically hurt my weary body. My only salvation is sleep and Jonny himself.
I am woken by the daylight that peeps through the curtains. The insidious, melancholic feeling I had last night remains with me still. I sit up with just my thoughts for company as Jonny sleeps soundly beside me. I sit there and watch him. He is just too perfect for me. I am a bad person. I don’t deserve happiness and I certainly don’t deserve him!
I feel so wretched and restless. The cutting words from Catherine and my feeling unworthy thoughts, linger in my mind. While Shawn’s detached and spiritless face, still haunts me. I am at a complete loss regarding what to do with myself. Jonny begins to stir so I decide to get out of bed. My shitty self-pity doesn’t need to keep us both awake!
“Hey you, come here.” Jonny’s sleepy, loving face is looking at me. He pats the bed with his hand.
“I was going to get up so you can sleep,” I softly say.
“I’ve had some sleep . . . now come here.” I lie down beside him. Being so close to him, I can see the bright green flecks, which flicker: almost dance in his hazel eyes. They adoringly look deep into mine. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks. I shake my head. I cannot talk about anything at the moment. It’s too hard to talk. “I hate seeing you so down, Jessica.” Jonny says, looking tired and distraught.
My pain is causing him pain. I know Jonny feels as though I am shutting him out and I shouldn’t be. Maybe if I open up, maybe I will feel better? I let out a laboured, defeated breath. “I knew seeing Shawn was going to be difficult, but he’s a broken man, Jonny. He barely looked at me and Catherine . . . well, she was just vile and full of hate. The way she spoke to my Lissy made me want to physically harm her and what angers me the most, is Shawn let her. She is my fucking daughter not hers!” My crippling sadness gives way to overwhelming anger. My nails bite into my tightly clenched palm and my face feels hot with the temper that invades my body.
Jonny reaches for my balled up fist. “I know it’s hard, Jessica, but you can’t let Catherine get to you. Lissy and Lottie are your daughters and always will be. As upset as she is about us, she has no right to keep talking to you like you are nothing. You will never be a nothing,” Jonny calmly states, pulling me into his body. His warm, protective hand rests on my shoulder. I lie with my head on his soft, masculine chest. My head rises and falls with his every breath. “What exactly happened when you saw the girls?” he asks gently.
“I saw Lissy first, she walked down the stairs as her Nan was throwing insults my way. I could tell she wanted to see me, but it’s like Catherine has complete control over my family now. Shawn is letting her because he has no fight left in him. I have destroyed all that he ever was.” Once again, his despairing face is all I see. It’s a memory I cannot erase.
Jonny cups my face so I am looking at him. “We destroyed all that he ever was. I am involved in this too, remember? You have to stop shouldering the blame all of the time, Jessica. Shawn is in a bad place and both of us have to live with that. He is obviously still hurting and needs more time, but if you think Lissy wants to see you that’s a good thing, isn’t it?” Jonny now holds my chin with his finger, a tender smile on his lips.
“I suppose,” I let out a sigh, but continue, “When I walked away after having the door shut in my face, I looked up at the bedroom window and saw both Lissy and Lottie standing there . . . Lottie even waved.”
Jonny kisses the top of my head, gripping my shoulder even tighter. “There you go then, that is a good sign.”
“They looked so confused and sad, Jonny. It broke my heart seeing them like that.” Once again, tears fill my eyes as a painful lump in my throat starts to choke me.
“It’s okay, darling. Everything will be okay.” Jonny does his best to comfort me.
As soothing as his words are, they are unable to reach me. “It’s not though, is it?” My tears fall heavily onto the sheet covering Jonny’s stomach. He sits up and hugs me tightly into him, rocking me to and fro; trying to console me with all that he is and all that he has to give.
I don’t know how long I cried for, but I did until there were no more tears left to cry. Jonny sat with me the entire time, listening and holding me. We talked and talked until things made sense. Even though it’s the last thing I want to do, I now know I am going to have to seek advice from a solicitor regarding my daughters. I never wanted to seek legal advice, but I can’t allow Catherine to be in the driving seat of my daughters’ lives anymore. If Shawn won’t see sense, then I’ll do whatever is necessary to have Lissy and Lottie allowed back into my life.
Jonny is downstairs while I am in the shower. I suddenly remember that I forgot to call Lydia yesterday, she will be so worried. I shower quickly and dry off in haste. Sitting on the bed, I tie my hair up into a wet top-knot and put my dressing gown on as Jonny walks in carrying a tray with a late breakfast on. My eyes take in the croissants and tea. I look at him, feeling so lucky to have such a wonderful person as him in my life.
My faint smile doesn’t go unnoticed. “What’s that little smile for?” Jonny asks as he places the tray on the bedside table.
“I’m thankful for having you in my life, that’s all.”
Jonny’s brow rises with his smile. “Really?”
“Yes . . . really.” I get off the bed and move behind him, wrapping my arms around his tantalisingly toned chest.
Jonny brings his arms up so they are touching mine. “Even with everything that has happened?”
“Yes . . . even with everything that has happened.” He sighs heavily at my words then turns around. His face is weighed down with conflict. “What’s wrong, Jonny?” I ask in a quiet voice, stroking his cheek.
“I just feel so incredibly guilty, Jessica.”
“For what?”
“I should have left you alone at The Broadway Tower, then none of this would have ever happened. I should have left you alone to live your life with your husband and your daughters.” He looks past my shoulder, too riddled with guilt to even look at me.
“But you didn’t, did you?” I firmly say. His stricken eyes search mine. “Jonny, I know life has been difficult for all involved, but not one single day goes by where I regret ever meeting you.” I tell him, reaching for his hand.
Jonny’s eyes widen. “Honestly?”
In a lighthearted way I take his hand and do a cross sign across my chest. “Cross my heart and hope to die.” I say with an assuring smile.
One minute I am feeling on top of the world, the next I am drowning in sadness and cowering behind guilty shadows. Is this what it’s like for someone who has had an affair? Does life ever balance itself out? Are the insecurities that cloud every rational thought, something that are ever present after an affair? Will the guilt and insecurity ever leave us alone? I know there always seems to be something standing in the way of our happiness but for all of the ups and downs, I am still here with the man that I chose to be with. He makes the lows bearable and the highs beautiful. I hate to see him so swallowed up by something he thinks his dishonourable actions have caused. Yes, Jonny wanted me and went out of his way to have me; knowing that I was married. However, I willingly let him into my hotel room that night at The Broadway. I could have easily stood my ground and sent him away but the truth is . . . I wanted him too.
The real blame lies within our wanting of each other. We have both caused untold damage by our irrepressible need to be together. However, that blame has to be put somewhere out of sight. In a place where it cannot keep persecuting us. My chin rests gently on Jonny’s chest, I look up at his less-troubled face. He looks down at me, those beautiful beige eyes reaching into my heart. His charming grin has once again returned to grace his bewitching face.
Tightening his grip around me he murmurs, “I needed to hear that, Dimples.”
“I mean every word,” I quietly reply.
With a complete change in his mood, he playfully squeezes my ass, kissing my neck. “I need to go out, but Simon is downstairs if you want to go out later.”
I wriggle beneath him, laughing. “Tell him from me he can have a well-deserved day off, I’m not going anywhere today.”
A Famous Affair Page 32