by Linda Ford
Buck and several of the teamsters conferred. Gil could not see Luke or Warren which seemed a little odd. Then Buck rode toward Gil stopping at a distance. “We’re still missing too many animals to continue. Luke, Warren and some of the others are still looking for them. I’m going to ride out and see if I can help. Keep your rifle handy.”
Gil nodded. He too wondered if this was a trap by the raiders. Draw as many men away from the wagons as they could and then attack the wagons.
Judith joined him. “Are my brothers in danger?”
Gil couldn’t deny they might be. “They’re seasoned travellers and know to be cautious. I can’t imagine them riding into danger. Besides, there’s half a dozen men with them.”
Anna fussed and Judith bounced her up and down, trying to calm her. “Can you find the sugar rag? I’ll see if she’ll take it.”
Glad to have something useful to do, he climbed into the wagon and located the rag. He dampened it then gave it to Anna. She sucked a moment then let out a wail.
Mrs. Shepton called to them. “Are you sure she isn’t teething?”
Judith and Gil looked at each other. He read her answer which was the same as his. How would they know?
Mrs. Shepton took a step closer and might have continued on but Mary Mae caught her arm. They had a short conversation which ended when Mrs. Shepton nodded.
Judith grinned at Gil. “I’m guessing Mary Mae told the preacher’s wife that she couldn’t cross over to here even on a noble deed.”
He chuckled at her wording.
Mrs. Shepton called again. “Look inside her mouth. See if a tooth is poking through or if her gums are swollen.”
Judith took the sugar rag from Anna and she promptly opened her mouth to wail. Judith peered into her mouth. “Her gums are red and swollen,” she told Mrs. Shepton.
“Trying rubbing them and see if that helps.”
Judith did so and Anna stopped crying. “It worked.”
Mrs. Shepton clapped. “It could be all that’s wrong. We’re all praying. God bless you all.”
“Thanks.” Gil and Judith called in unison.
They smiled at each other, Judith’s eyes brighter than Gil had seen them in several hours.
“Teething,” she said. “I hope that’s all it is.” She continued to massage Anna’s gums.
“We’ll have to watch and wait to be sure.” He kissed Anna then, before he could talk himself into being more cautious, he kissed Judith’s forehead.
She lifted her head and gave him a smile that melted every resistance he’d ever dreamed of and he caught her lips in a kiss as sweet as fresh honey and as gentle as morning dew. He withdrew. Saw the surprised look on her face and perhaps something more—a pleased, contented look.
“I’m going to get some wood chopped while we’re here.” Feeling considerably lighter than he had for a long time, he took his axe in one hand, his rifle in the other and went into the woods to find fuel.
He had gathered a decent bit of wood, had gone back for more when the sound of gunshots reached him. He straightened, lifted his rifle and listened. Several more gunshots rang out and then the thunder of many hooves. Forgetting everything but Judith and Anna, he raced through the trees, unmindful of the slapping branches and thorny bushes that tore at him.
Judith stood, wide eyed and holding Anna, when he reached their campsite. “What’s going on?” she asked.
“We’ll soon enough know. Take Anna and stay in the wagon until it’s safe to come out.” He called for the others to take shelter, but they already had. The men with them had positioned themselves to protect the wagons.
Not wanting to draw fire toward the wagon, Gil flattened himself on the ground close to the trees, set his rifle ready and tensed as the hoof beats drew closer.
“Hi Yiii.”
He recognized Warren’s call but wasn’t about to let his guard down. The missing animals panted to a halt. Men he recognized as drovers and freighters drove the animals.
Gil waited a full minute to see if anyone else rode toward them. Seeing no one, he got to his feet.
Judith poked her head out. “Is it safe?”
Buck rode up. “We’ve seen the last of that bunch of men.” He offered no more explanation and Gil asked for none.
“It’s safe,” he told Judith and she jumped down with Anna in her arms.
The baby continued to fuss but he worried less, prepared to believe it was nothing more than sore gums.
Buck had gone to speak to the men and inspect the animals. He returned to calling distance. “We’ll spend another night here while the animals rest. Some have their tongues hanging out.”
“Anything I can do to help?” Gil asked.
“Stay away from others until we know it’s not diphtheria. That’s the best you can do for all of us.”
Gil knew it to be true but being idle did not sit well with him.
With no need to hurry and be on the trail they ate a leisurely noon meal. Judith knew Gil was restless, but gratitude flowed through her veins. The raiders had been driven off. She didn’t ask, didn’t want to know how many had died. She had every reason to think Anna was only teething and as if to prove it, the baby pulled Judith’s fingers to her mouth and gnawed on them. Unfortunately, she had her incisors and Judith had to be careful not to get bitten.
Despite Gil’s longing look toward the other men who scurried about taking care of the tired animals and gathering wood for their wagons, Judith appreciated having him nearby. His presence made her feel safe and liked.
Liked? She shook her head at such silliness. But the idea lingered. He went to get more wood to store in the rack under the wagon. The sound of him tramping through the trees, the sound of an axe cutting wood, the scent of beans baking and meat stewing, a baby holding to her hand so she could bite down on her finger—they were all satisfying. As if she’d been born for this. A wife and a mother. If she admitted it, she’d have to say it was what she’d always wanted. She’d hoped for it with Frank. How many times had she, in her mind, decorated the rooms of the house he said was his?
It never was his but she didn’t know that until later. She’d imagined children playing and doing lessons. She’d seen herself sewing little garments and Frank sitting nearby reading as the children slept.
It was not to be. But now she was a wife and a mother. Perhaps her dreams had simply found their fulfillment elsewhere.
But what about Frank’s stepbrother? Her contentment fled, replaced by a hard knot of sorrow, guilt and a hefty dose of blame.
Gil returned with an armload of firewood, whistling as he put it under the wagon and she forgot about her goal as she rejoiced. “I won’t have to burn buffalo chips for a few days.”
He sat back and grinned at her. “I hope you don’t mind.”
His teasing tickled her insides and she laughed. “I am grateful. In fact, I am going to make a special dessert for you tonight. What’s your favorite?”
“Apple pie.” His eyes darkened and seemed to see something in the distance. Then he brought his gaze to her, soft and so full of caring that her throat closed off.
Was this what she wanted? A man who cared for her, protected her—but did she deserve it?
Where had that come from?
He watched her. “You look like someone stepped on your grave. What’s wrong?”
She wanted to tell him. Didn’t want to tell him. It was foolish. Made her sound like she felt sorry for herself.
He closed the distance between them, set Anna on the ground, ignored her whining and grasped Judith by her shoulders. “Something’s wrong. Tell me what it is.”
She rocked her head back and forth, but he caught her chin and stopped it. She tried to look beyond him but something about his quiet insistence drew her gaze to his warm, steady, demanding, caring eyes. Try as she wanted, she could not hold back her thoughts.
“I don’t deserve to have you care about me.” Why couldn’t she say that without sounding as whiny as Anna?
He stared at her then pulled her to his chest and rubbed her back. “Is that how Frank’s death makes you feel? That you don’t deserve affection?”
“I didn’t know that’s how I felt.” With her face pressed to the warmth of his shirt she found she could speak calmly. She twisted her fingers into the fabric.
“It isn’t true. You must know that.”
“In my head I do. But in my thoughts, I can’t help but think a person gets what they deserve in life.”
“Do you really think that?” His soft voice held no condemnation, only gentle doubt.
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“By that reasoning, then I deserve what Lillian did to me and Anna deserves to lose her parents.”
She jerked back and stared into his face. “I would never suggest anything like that.”
“You’re saying it isn’t true then?”
“It wasn’t your fault and Anna is a baby. She’s done nothing wrong.” She picked up the fussing baby and cradled her against her neck. Anna sobbed softly as if wanting Judith to make her feel better.
“You did nothing wrong either. You aren’t to blame for what happened any more than Anna is. It doesn’t mean you don’t deserve good things.” He caught her chin in the palm of his hand and drew her gaze to his. “You are worthy of being loved and cherished.”
He held her gaze, his open and…she tried to think what it was she saw. Tried just as hard not to admit it. She saw the very things she wanted—acceptance and value. Dare she believe it? Or was she seeing more than he offered?
Anna continued to sob quietly. Judith tore her gaze from Gil’s. She wasn’t ready to throw caution to the wind. “I’ll see if she wants something to eat.”
She spent the next hour taking care of Anna and amusing her while Gil greased the wheels and checked over the harnessing. Judith glanced toward the other the wagons and saw the men doing the same…using the time to make sure everything was in top shape for the journey they would continue tomorrow.
Awkwardness made her movements jerky as she served supper. Why had she spoken her thoughts aloud? His answer had upset her careful plans. She felt torn between wanting what Gil offered—at least what she thought he offered—and the need to confront Frank’s stepbrother.
She simply could not choose between the two because, despite what Gil said, she felt she was somehow to blame for Frank’s death and the only way to make it right was to find his stepbrother. She had to keep reminding herself because it would be far too easy to shove it aside and take up a new life with Gil which she fully meant to do…but not until she’d eased her burden of guilt and failure by making the other Jones man admit his share of responsibility in Frank’s death.
Gil sat across the fire from her, studying her. He slid closer to hold her hands as he said grace. She would have refused him except then he would guess how upset she was. The last thing she needed would be for him to try to make her agree with his point of view. So she allowed him to hold her hand as he prayed. She tried not to hear his words as he asked for safety and for her peace of mind. Wasn’t he supposed to be thanking God for the food? At his amen, she quickly pulled back, grateful that Anna wanted to be fed off Judith’s plate. It gave her a fine excuse to ignore Gil. Not that she was unaware of his watchful gaze. Let him think what he wanted. She didn’t expect him to understand what she must do.
A niggling little thought plagued her.
Did she understand why she thought she must do this? When she left Independence it had been so clear, her reasons so simple. Nothing had changed.
Except she’d entered into a marriage and acquired a little girl as daughter. Indeed, her whole world had shifted on its axis.
But did that change what she’d set out to do?
Gil watched the expressions on Judith’s face shift through a range of emotions—upset, confusion, stubbornness and back to confusion. He wished he could read her thoughts. Wished even more that he could make her understand that she wasn’t to blame for Frank’s death and finding the stepbrother would not in any way change what had happened. But he’d tried and failed to make her see that. That failure weighed upon his shoulders. He wanted a wife, a family and a home. Perhaps he didn’t deserve them.
He chuckled.
Judith stared at him. “What’s so funny?”
“You. Me. Our situation.” The more he thought about it, the more he laughed.
Her scowl sobered him. “I don’t find it the least bit amusing.”
“I was sitting here thinking about what I want. And then I thought, maybe I don’t deserve it. Isn’t that funny? I just finished explaining to you how you deserve good things then I tell myself the same thing you told yourself.” He knew he sounded confused but he wasn’t in the least.
“Still don’t think it’s funny.” She continued to study him, her eyes so hungry that he forgot everything but his desire to fill that need.
“Judith, don’t we deserve whatever happiness our marriage and little Anna can provide?” He heard the pleading in his voice, but didn’t care whether she heard it.
She shifted her gaze past him then brought it back.
He knew by the brittleness in her eyes that she wasn’t about to agree.
“I am thinking of our happiness. That’s why I must do what I’ve set out to do.”
“I don’t understand. Maybe I never will.”
She turned away and the knot in his stomach returned. He knew rubbing it would not ease it.
Only one thing would and Judith wasn’t about to give him that. She had promised to be faithful to him. Not that Judith was unfaithful in the same way as Lillian. But she chose finding a nameless man in a vast uncharted territory to making a home with him.
If only he could find a way to make her leave the past and face a future with him and Anna—a future free of old sorrows.
He amused Anna while Judith did the few dishes and cleaned up the camp area then she prepared the baby for bed.
“I’m going to see if she will sleep.” With a quick goodnight, Judith climbed into the wagon.
Gil knew she had retired early to get away from him. He tossed the dregs of his cup on the flickering flames. What could he do to make her choose him over the nameless man she sought?
He left the warmth of the fire, driven by unanswered questions and longing that came from deep inside. He strode toward the trees then turned and strode back. One thought grew clear—he wanted a wife who was faithful to him. With hurried steps he made another circuit to the trees and back.
They barely knew each other when they’d been thrown into this marriage. There’d been none of the customary time of getting to know each other and discover traits they admired.
Another circuit brought him back to the fire and in the light from the flames, he saw the truth with clarity.
He must court her as she deserved to be courted and she would learn to care about him above all else. Except her faith, of course. That went without saying. But above her search for a nameless man. All he wanted was for her to put her past behind her and embrace a future with him.
The warmth of the fire filled his heart. He had a plan. One, he was certain, destined to bring Judith’s heart and loyalty to him.
12
Judith wakened to the sounds of oxen lowing, mules braying and harnesses rattling. Dawn was a promise in the eastern sky.
Anna woke and crawled to Judith to babble about the morning.
Judith sat up. “You’re better?” No more hoarse voice. No more runny nose. “Let me see in your mouth.” She opened wide to show Anna what she meant and Anna imitated her. It was too dark to see if the tooth had emerged but Judith reached in and felt the hard little nub. “Thank you, God.” She wanted to sing the words.
In seconds she pulled her dress on and left the wagon, Anna in her arms.
Gil and the mules were missing. She breathed back her disappointment at having to wait for him to bring them back from water before she could share her news. At the circl
e of wagons, fires burned, women tended food and men brought in animals. Everyone was in a hurry to leave this place.
None more than Judith. There’d been too much danger and fear here. She couldn’t wait to move on.
“Here.” She gave Anna a biscuit to gnaw on while she turned her attention to preparing breakfast.
Coffee waited when Gil returned and she handed him a cup. “Good news,” she said. “Anna is feeling better.”
He swallowed some coffee then squatted in front of Anna. She reached out for him to pick her up. Chuckling, he lifted her and stood, taking in her happy smile.
“Her tooth is through,” Judith said.
Gil whooped, startling Anna who buried her face into his chest. His yell brought the attention of those in the other camp. “She’s better,” he called.
The others clapped.
Buck rode close. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“She has a new tooth,” Gil said. “And no more runny nose or any sign of being sick. It was just the tooth bothering her.”
Buck studied them a moment. “If she’s still fine by noon, I’ll let you rejoin the others.”
“Thanks.”
Judith had joined Gil and he pulled her to his side. She fought and lost a brief struggle with herself to resist his affections. The way he treated her made it harder and harder to remember why she had set out on this journey.
He looked down at her. “You’ll be happy to be with your friends again.”
She grasped at the diversion. “It will be nice. And you’ll be glad to be back at your scouting.”
“I might have mixed feelings about that.”
She had every intention of slipping from his embrace, but his words stalled her and she looked into his steady gaze. Did she read a promise there?
He didn’t give her a chance to ask what he meant as he tipped his forehead to hers and said, “I’ve enjoyed being just the three of us.” His words, uttered in a low, deep voice settled into her heart with the intent of setting up residence there.
Somehow she managed to make herself return to the fire and announce breakfast was ready.