Tears streamed down her face. “I didn’t know if you would come.”
“Of course I came. Nothing would have kept me away.” As he had once before, he reached out to her, gathered her in his arms, and lifted her off the floor. She snaked her arms around his shoulders and buried her face in his neck. “I’m here, heartzley. I’ll never leave you again.” He tightened his arms around her as great heaves of sorrow wracked her body. Standing in the hall, he cradled her in his embrace and let her cry.
* * *
After a good thirty minutes of weeping and commiserating and consoling, Levi made Esther a strong pot of kaffee, and they sat down at the table and gazed out the window. The autumn leaves of the apricot tree reflected the sun, glowing bright yellow at midday. The tree looked as if it was on fire. “You’ve never worn a branch before,” Levi said, pointing to the bumpy, gnarly stick at Esther’s ear.
Esther took a sip of kaffee and sprouted a half-hearted smile. “You never know when you’re going to need a stick.”
“True, like when you need to fend off the wild dogs roaming your neighborhood. Or when you meet a friendly dog and want to play fetch. Or when you want to play a quick game of pick-up sticks. Or when you happen to have more things than you can shake a stick at.”
Esther’s smile grew in warmth, like a sunrise on an icy day. That smile was like a balm to his heart. “I was sitting under the apricot tree, and it fell on my head. I thought it looked interesting, so I kept it.”
Levi took a sip of kaffee. “How long has she been gone?”
Esther studied the mug wrapped in her fingers. “A week. Every day that passes takes Winnie farther and farther away from me. I’m terrified I’ll never see her again.”
“Me too.” Levi wanted to reassure her that Winnie would come back to her somehow, but he couldn’t, and he wouldn’t say anything that wasn’t true just to make her feel better. Empty words would only make her feel worse. “You will always be Winnie’s true mater.”
Esther blinked back some tears. “Denki. I . . .” She pressed her lips together.
He laid his hand over Esther’s and laced his fingers between hers. “I wanted to surprise you with the signed adoption papers. I shouldn’t have tried to make . . . I’m so sorry.”
Esther lifted his hand to her mouth and kissed each one of his knuckles. His pulse raced at her touch. “I bear you no ill will. Neither of us could have guessed how Ivy would react. Though I wish you would have talked to me about it, I always knew that my time with Winnie would be short. Despite how unpredictable she is, Ivy is the same old Ivy, bent on taking control where she can get it.” She squeezed his fingers between hers. He felt it all the way to his bones. “I love you for wanting to help. Denki.”
I love you? Did she mean love love or just the friendly love between two friends who just wanted to be friends? Because he didn’t want to be just friends, and if she wanted to be just friends, he’d never be able to breathe normally again. But he’d only just gotten back and Winnie was gone and it was too soon to ask the question he’d been wanting to ask for weeks. Do you love me, Esther? Because I love you something wonderful. Is there enough room in your heart for both Winnie and me? Is it too broken for anyone to mend? Are you too broken to ever give your heart away again?
It was too soon. Too soon. He’d have to be patient. Being hasty was what had gotten him in trouble the last time.
“You’re a gute friend, Levi.”
Ach. “Friend.” She was going to drive him insane.
“How long has it been since you’ve eaten something?” he said. She looked so tired. “How long has it been since you’ve had a gute night’s sleep?”
“I had three carrots for dinner last night, and I haven’t slept well since Ivy dropped Winnie off back in April.”
He winced. “Sorry for the painful reminder.”
“It hurts to talk about Winnie, but I’d rather talk about her than pretend she doesn’t exist. When I feel the hurt, that’s how I know it meant something. If I didn’t love her, it wouldn’t hurt, and I’m not going to trade that love for anything. I’d rather feel the pain.”
“You’re right,” he croaked. He shut his mouth and swallowed hard. If he said another word, he would crack into a hundred pieces.
“I would never wish away the hurt. The pain is part of the love.”
Levi cleared his throat. “I can’t do much about your sleeping, but I can make you something to eat.” He stood and opened Esther’s fridge. There was half a gallon of milk, a jar of pickles, and a small chunk of cheddar cheese, along with a whole bag of carrots in the vegetable crisper. “This is unforgivable,” he said dryly, shooting a teasing look in her direction.
Esther shrugged her shoulders. “I haven’t been to the store for a few days. I’m glad when I can get out of bed in the morning.”
“I’m glad too,” he said. Ach, how he wished he could take away her pain. He hooked his thumbs under his suspenders. “Ach, vell. You need something to eat, and I am very gute at making due with what I have.”
“I can help,” Esther said.
“Nae. Let me do this for you. You rest. I’m a fair cook when I have to be. Every time Mamm has a new baby, I’m on kitchen duty. Well, me and Ben and Mary Jane. Mostly Mary Jane, but I’ve always watched closely.”
He rummaged through her cupboards until he’d rounded up some acceptable ingredients. She watched while he boiled and poured and measured and stirred. After twenty minutes, he had made a pretty reasonable reproduction of Mamm’s famous macaroni and cheese, enough for both of them. Esther was delighted. He was delighted that she was delighted. She ate three-fourths of the panful, and he ate the rest, but only after she insisted she could not eat another bite.
Esther helped him do the dishes, even though he told her he’d do them himself. He pointed to the places on the wall where Esther had ripped off the wallpaper. “Planning on redecorating the kitchen next?”
Esther’s face got three shades redder. “You know perfectly well what happened to my wallpaper.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “Couldn’t find a pickleball paddle?”
“Mine are all broken, you know that. I wadded it up into a ball and chucked it as hard as I could. Rita said I have a gute arm.” She pointed down the hall. “See for yourself. The paper is still there.”
Levi glanced down the hall. “You do have a good arm. Did it make you feel better?”
“Not in the least.”
Levi smoothed his hand over the wall where one patch of wallpaper used to be. “Ach, vell. At least you’ve got a start on the redecorating.”
“Or maybe I’ll leave it as a reminder to control my temper or face repainting my whole house.”
Levi stopped drying the pan in his hand. “Nae, Esther. Don’t do that. I like your temper just the way it is. If you didn’t have your temper, you wouldn’t be you. I couldn’t bear it.”
“My temper is very hard on the furniture.”
He blew a puff of air between his lips and waved his hand in her direction. “Furniture and pickleball paddles are replaceable. There’s only one Esther Zook, and she is irreplaceable.”
Tears pooled in Esther’s eyes. “Nanna said I would lose myself if I didn’t stand up to Ivy.”
He put down his pan and cupped his hand on her cheek. “Nanna is right. Much as I hate losing Winnie, I couldn’t bear it if I lost Esther too.” He leaned closer until their faces were mere inches apart and riveted his gaze to her mouth. “I just couldn’t bear it,” he whispered. Her blue-green eyes were warm and inviting, like a cool lake on the perfect summer day. The urge to kiss her seized him around the throat. He swallowed hard and, with supreme effort, dropped his hand to his side and stepped back. Much as he wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her to distraction, he wouldn’t ever take advantage of her heartbreak like that. When he kissed her, he wanted it to be a joyful expression of their love, not some token of their shared grief that neither of them knew how to express.
; Breathing heavily, Esther also stepped back. Her cheeks were a heightened color of pink, her lips more inviting than ever as they twisted in confusion. “Levi,” she said. Ach, how he loved hearing his name on her lips. “Levi,” she said again, as if saying it would give her time to gain her composure. She straightened her kapp, which had sat crooked on her head since he’d found her sitting in the bathroom. “If you need to go, don’t let me keep you. I’ve already imposed on so much of your time.”
He leaned his hand against the counter to the side of her but didn’t touch her again. It was too dangerous. “There’s nowhere I’d rather be than right here.” He frowned. “Unless you want me to go. You’re probably wishing I’d go away and leave you in peace.”
“Nae, nae,” Esther blurted out. “I want you to stay. With Winnie gone, it’s too quiet in this house.” A tentative smile found its way onto her lips. “But it’s not about the quiet or Winnie. I . . . I need you . . .” Her voice trailed off.
Levi held his breath. I need you to . . . what?
I need you to repair the grout in the bathroom?
I need you to prune the apricot tree?
I need you to mop my floor or cut my grass or take me to the gator farm?
Or had she said exactly what she wanted to say? I need you.
His heart beat a hundred miles a minute. “I’ll stay as long as you want,” he said.
He needed her too.
Like a man needs air.
Chapter Seventeen
“S-M-E-L-L-Y. Smelly,” Mary Jane said. “That is a triple word score.”
Mary Jane’s husband, Tyler, groaned and wrote down her score on his yellow notepad. He glanced at Esther. “I told you that you didn’t want to play Scrabble with Mary Jane. She always wins.”
Esther hadn’t been in the mood to laugh for weeks, but she grinned at Levi, and Levi winked at her. Tyler tried to hide it, but he was very competitive. He insisted on keeping the score, just to make sure it was done correctly, and he had to look every word up in the dictionary, even words like “smelly,” before the game could continue.
Nanna was babysitting their children so Mary Jane and Tyler could come over and play games with Levi and Esther at Esther’s house. “Mary Jane needs to get out of the house,” Nanna had said, but what she really meant was, “We are doing everything we know how to cheer you up, Esther. Please humor us.”
Esther sighed inwardly. What would she do without dear friends to watch out for her? What would she do without Levi, who had been to her house every day for the last week, making sure she didn’t have to be alone and seeing that she ate at least one square meal a day?
Winnie had been gone for two weeks, and though life was still nearly unbearable, Esther could see that over time, things would start to feel like maybe they could get better, like maybe she would be able to breathe again if she gave it long enough.
“It’s your turn, Tyler,” Mary Jane said.
Tyler frowned in concentration. “I’m thinking.”
Being so competitive, Tyler always took an extraordinary amount of time on his turn. He had to think through every letter and possible spelling and ways to come up with the highest possible score. The propane lantern hissed as he studied his letters. His expression suddenly brightened. “This is a gute one,” he said, picking up his letters and arranging them on the board. “B-A-B-Y.”
Baby. Ach. Winnie would be one year old in a few weeks. Would anybody give her a birthday party?
Glancing furtively at Esther, Mary Jane leaned forward and spoke from between clenched teeth. “Tyler, how could you be so insensitive?”
“What?” Tyler said.
Mary Jane inclined her head in Esther’s direction. “Don’t you think that’s going to remind someone of someone who isn’t here?”
Tyler caught his breath. “Ach, I’m sorry, Esther. I didn’t mean no harm by it, but it’s the most points I can do. The Y alone is worth four.”
Esther waved away his apology. “Oh, please, Tyler, no apology necessary. There’s no reason to tiptoe around me. Everything reminds me of Winnie. I’ll be okay.”
Mary Jane drew her brows together. “I suppose that’s true. ‘Smelly’ is almost as bad as ‘baby.’”
Levi laughed. “I changed enough diapers to know.”
Leave it to Levi to make everyone feel better about it. If he acted as if there was nothing to be upset about, everybody else would do the same. She loved that he wanted to make things better for her, even if he wasn’t sure how. And he was making things better, just by his being here. Esther loved him for that.
Someone knocked softly on Esther’s door. Mary Jane lifted her head. “That’s probably Caleb. Nanna said she’d have him fetch us if she had any trouble with die kinner.”
Esther went to the door, opened it, and nearly fainted. Ivy stood on the porch with a pained expression on her face and Winnie in her arms.
“Mama,” Winnie said, practically falling out of Ivy’s arms reaching for Esther.
Esther gasped and squealed and snatched Winnie from Ivy’s embrace without even asking permission. “Winnie, oh, Winnie, my sweetie.” She gathered Winnie in her arms and hugged and kissed her dirty face and cooed and fussed and cried until Winnie took her chubby little hand and pushed Esther’s face away. Esther laughed. Winnie was done with being kissed.
Levi, Mary Jane, and Tyler appeared in the entryway and huddled around Esther and Winnie as if they were sharing delightful secrets with one another. “Oh, Winnie,” Mary Jane said, kissing the top of Winnie’s little head. “You’re home. We’re so glad you’re home.”
“For sure and certain we missed you.” Levi kissed Winnie on the cheek. Winnie made a face and turned away. She apparently didn’t want excessive affection from anybody. Levi tried to take Winnie from Esther’s arms, but Esther wouldn’t let him. Winnie was back. Esther would never let her go again.
Esther turned to Ivy, who stood on the porch holding Winnie’s diaper bag. Winnie’s suitcase, car seat, and portable crib sat at Ivy’s feet. “Thank you, thank you for bringing our Winnie back to us.”
“Okay,” Ivy said.
Levi pulled the car seat and the portable crib in off the porch. “You even brought her crib.”
“Which is gute,” said Mary Jane, wrapping her fingers around Winnie’s arm, “because she looks bushed.”
Esther formed her lips into a sympathetic O. “Poor thing. She does look tired. It’s almost eight o’clock. We should get her to bed.” She glanced at Ivy. “Is there a bottle in the diaper bag? How long ago did she eat?”
Ivy shifted her weight and stuffed her hands into the pockets of the oversized jacket she was wearing. “I fed her before we got here.”
Mary Jane rummaged through the diaper bag. “Never mind. Here’s the bottle, and there’s still some formula in the can.” She pulled them out and headed for the kitchen. “I’ll make her a bottle.”
Tyler followed her into the kitchen.
Levi laid a steady hand on Esther’s shoulder. “Thank you, Ivy. This really means a lot to us.”
Ivy nodded. Her dangly earrings tinkled softly. “Okay. See ya.”
She turned and stepped off the porch. Levi shut the door and gave Esther a smile that knocked the air right out of her. He wrapped his arms around both Esther and Winnie, and they stood in the hall in a three-way hug, not moving, not saying anything, simply savoring the feel of each other. If Esther lived to be a thousand years old, she would never forget how happy she felt at this moment to have Winnie back in her life and Levi’s arms around them both. She never wanted this feeling to end. Ever.
Winnie squirmed, and Levi relaxed his hold on both of them. She made a sour face and tapped Levi on the cheek as if to push him away. Levi threw back his head and laughed. “I recognize that look. You’ve given it to me a time or two.”
Esther let her mouth fall open in mock indignation. “I have not.”
“You have too. I think Winnie is going to have your temper.”
<
br /> Esther smiled at the thought that Winnie would inherit anything from her aunt who loved her like her own dochter. Esther gave Winnie another kiss on her grimy cheek. She seemed healthy enough, but she was filthy. She wore the same dress Ivy had taken her away in, and her matted hair looked as if she hadn’t had a bath for two weeks. “I think I should give her a bath before a bottle. Then she can go right down after she eats.”
Levi nodded. “I’ll go set up her portable crib.” He carried the crib into Winnie’s room.
“Wait,” Esther said, going into the spare bedroom. “I want her in my room tonight.”
Something caught Levi’s eye, and he peered out the window. “Look, Esther. Ivy’s still here.”
“What?” Esther got on her tiptoes and looked outside. Ivy was indeed sitting on Esther’s porch step with her arms wrapped around her legs and her face buried in her knees. “I . . . don’t understand,” Esther murmured. “She . . . I thought she was with Jordan. She just came to drop Winnie off, didn’t she?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you think she needs a place to sleep?”
“Maybe she’s waiting for her boyfriend to pick her up.”
Esther took a deep, painful breath as her heart sank. “Will you take Winnie? I guess I need to see what’s going on. Maybe she has somewhere to go. Maybe she’s waiting for someone to pick her up.”
Esther knew better, even as the words came out of her mouth. The boyfriend wasn’t coming. Ivy was waiting for nobody. Much as Esther wanted to be rid of Ivy, she couldn’t just leave her out there. It was a chilly night, and Ivy’s jeans were too holey to provide much warmth. Esther took a deep, resigned breath. Ach, she didn’t want Ivy back in the house. She didn’t want to see Ivy ever again. She wanted to be Winnie’s mother and not spare another thought for her wayward sister. But as she knew all too well, things rarely turned out exactly the way she wanted them to. She certainly couldn’t let Ivy freeze to death on her porch.
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