by Claire Adams
Phil’s expression had turned dark, but now that I had started talking, I knew I couldn’t stop.
“He kept this up for the next few sessions and I almost got used to it. I guess I just made excuses for him and there was really nothing too inappropriate about his closeness. And then…slowly it began to get worse.”
“He didn’t…he didn’t…rape you, did he?” Phil asked, as though he were choking out the words.
“No,” I said quickly. “No, thank God, it never went that far. But he did kiss me. It was completely unexpected, and I was taken off guard. Maybe that was why I froze. He took that to mean I was willing and started to pull up my skirt. When he reached my underwear, something in me snapped, and I pushed him away from me.”
“What did he do?” Phil asked, leaning towards me.
“He looked at me for a moment, and then he adjusted his shirt as though nothing had happened. He told me he’d see me at our next session and then basically dismissed me.
“I was so shocked, I just grabbed my bag and left. I wanted to stop going for the private tutoring sessions, but I actually needed the help. I assumed that he’d just misread the signs and he’d made a mistake. I assumed that if I went back again, he’d keep his hands to himself and pretend like nothing had happened.”
“You went back?” Phil asked. I looked for judgment in his tone, but there was none.
“It was stupid and naïve and short-sighted, but yes… I went back, thinking we would just ignore what had happened the last time.”
“He did it again,” Phil said knowingly.
“This time, he got angry when I pushed him away,” I said softy. “He told me that I was a tease and a seductress, and that I had wanted him to touch me. I had brought this on myself.”
“That bastard,” Phil said, through gritted teeth.
“When I tried to leave, he blocked the door and tried to kiss me again. This time, I shoved him away from me as hard as I could, and he stumbled back and nearly fell. I threatened to go to the dean and report him.
“But he reminded me that I was just a student, and he had tenure, not to mention the dean’s ear. All he had to do was tell everyone that I had come on to him in hopes that I could seduce him into giving me a good grade.”
“That motherfucker,” Phil said angrily.
“After that… I stopped going to his classes. He kept trying to contact me, and I finally realized that I couldn’t stay there. He had all the power, and I had none.”
“You should have gone to the police,” Phil said. “And reported him. If the dean wasn’t going to listen to you—”
“The police weren’t going to listen to me either,” I said, cutting him off. “This is a man’s world, Phil—everything works against me, including the system.”
“You really believe that?” he asked.
“If I didn’t believe that, I wouldn’t have left,” I told him. “I don’t regret leaving, you know. The only thing I regret is not being able to finish my degree.”
He shook his head. “It’s not fair, what happened to you.”
“Life’s not fair,” I said. “But it needs to be endured all the same. I can start over… that’s why I came here in the first place. It doesn’t matter that John Gilbert thinks he’s achieved by running me out of town; he hasn’t won at all because I will start over. I have started over.”
Phil reached out and took my hand. “You’re stronger than you look. I knew that the day I met you.”
I smiled. “I always thought that about myself, too.”
“You should go back to school,” Phil said. “A new school, somewhere here… You should transfer your credits and finish your degree.”
“I’ve been thinking about it.” I nodded. “But I have to earn the money to pay for my tuition first. My parents are not going to help because of what happened last time.”
“You can do it,” Phil said confidently.
I smiled. “You think so?”
“Oh, without a doubt,” Phil said firmly. “You’re made of stronger stuff than John Gilbert ever knew. But don’t worry… I know it.”
Phil
Another day, another death… I wondered if this was what my life was going to be like for as long as I was a firefighter. I shouldn’t have been surprised. This is what I signed up for… But suddenly, I was starting to question whether I was really up for this job or if getting older was making me soft.
I drove home in a trance, reliving the memory of the day and trying to figure out if I could have done anything differently. Maybe if I’d been faster, we could have saved him. Maybe if we had chosen a different extraction plan, he would have made it. I kept seeing his eyes, fixed on mine. He was seventy-one. He’d had a long life, but in this job, I had come to learn that it didn’t matter how old you were or how great a life you’d lived. Death was scary for even the most prepared out there.
I parked the car and sighed deeply, feeling my body protest at the long shift and the fact that I was running on just a few hours of sleep. I wasn’t fit for anything except a quick shower before surrendering to sleep, but I needed to hear Megan’s voice before I got to bed. I knew that I would sleep better after speaking to her.
I got into my apartment, dragging my feet the whole time. Then I had a quick shower and collapsed into bed before reaching for my phone. Thankfully, Megan answered on the third ring.
“Phil,” she said, and her voice made me feel better instantly.
“I’m sorry to call so late.”
“That’s okay,” she replied. “You can call me anytime…you know that.”
“I just…needed to hear your voice,” I said tiredly.
“What’s wrong, my darling?” she asked, and her tone was so tender I felt moisture around my eyes.
“Just another bad day,” I managed to say, keeping my voice from shaking.
“What happened?”
“There was a car accident between Elm and Augustus,” I told her. “Two cars collided. There were four people involved in the accident. We lost one.”
Megan was silent for a moment. She didn’t say any of the traditional things you would expect her to say. “Tell me about the person you lost,” she said.
I almost smiled. It was not just intuition on her part—she understood me. She knew what to say…and not say to make me feel better. She knew I didn’t need to hear that this was part of the job and that death was part of life. She knew I didn’t need apologies and unnecessary platitudes. I just needed to talk about what had happened… I needed to remember him so that next time, I could do better.
“His name was Daniel Peterson,” I said. “He was seventy-one years old. He had a wife; I think her name was Lisa. She was in the car with him.”
“She made it?”
“She was taken to the hospital,” I said. “I don’t know what happened to her after that, but I think she’ll be okay. She kept asking if Daniel had made it… She kept calling out different names. I think they were the names of her children, maybe even her grandchildren.”
“What names did she call out?”
“Samantha, Ellie, and Jonathan,” I said. “He looked scared, Megan. I was with him when the life went out of him. It’s the most haunting thing to watch. One moment you can see his consciousness reflected in his eyes and the next moment…there’s nothing there. He’s just…an empty shell with nothing inside.
“It makes you realize how unimportant are bodies are in the greater scheme of things. They’re just carriers for our souls.
“He was looking at me when he died. And, he was scared. I could see that clearly. But it was more than just a fear of death. He was looking at me as though he were terrified I would leave. He didn’t want to be alone. I think he knew he was going and was scared of what would meet him when he did. He looked like a child at that moment, and it made me feel scared for him.”
“Do you need me to come over?” Megan asked softly.
“That’s sweet of you, but it’s late, and I don’t want
you coming over at this time. I’m just going to sleep now, anyway. I might be out for a while, but I’ll call you when I wake up.”
“Get your rest,” she said, with understanding. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”
“It was nice to hear your voice,” I said. “I knew it would make me feel better.”
I could tell instinctively that she was smiling. “I’m glad. If you have trouble sleeping, call me, okay? No matter the time.”
“I will.” I nodded.
“Goodnight, Phil.”
I said goodnight and hung up. My head was much lighter than before I had spoken to Megan and because of that, I was able to fall into sleep easily. Thankfully, I had a dreamless sleep, and when I woke up the sun was streaming through the cracks in the blinds, alerting me to mid-morning.
Feeling much better, I stretched and reached for my phone. There were two missed calls from Brent and a long text message. I opened the message and read through it, feeling slightly amused and slightly annoyed at the same time.
“Yo Fucktard…it’s been ages. Have you abandoned me for my sister? Do I need to remind you that you knew me first? I thought it was bros over hoes… Not that my sister is a whore or anything, but you know what I mean. Careful or you might turn into one of those horse-whipped losers whose whole life revolves around their woman. Just saying.”
I rolled my eyes at his obvious attempt to manipulate me into spending more time with him. I decided not to argue with him. Brent could be annoying at the best of times and downright infuriating when he was upset about something. And considering he was Megan’s brother, I didn’t want to piss him off too much.
I had a shower and then I scarfed down some eggs and toast, despite the fact that it was nearly lunchtime. After I was done, I decided to bite the bullet and just call Brent.
“Hi, dude,” I said, when he picked up.
“Who’s this?” Brent asked mockingly.
“Ha-ha,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Very funny.”
“I’m serious, do I know you?”
“Will you cut the dramatic shit?” I said. “You’re such a child.”
“Hey, it’s gonna be years before I grow up.”
“I’ve realized that.” I nodded.
“So…you got my message?” he asked.
“Yes, I got your message,” I replied. “It was subtle as ever.”
“So I’m assuming you called to meet up soon?” he asked.
“Yep,” I replied. “How about next weekend?”
“Next weekend?” Brent repeated. “That’s so far off… What about tonight?”
“Uh… I actually have plans with Megan for tonight,” I said, hoping he wouldn’t give me too much grief about it. I was not in the mood, and I had a feeling my patience would give way at some point during this conversation.
“With Megan?” he said, with a groan. “Seriously?”
“Yes.” I nodded.
“Geez…you’ve seen her a lot lately, haven’t you?”
“Shouldn’t you be happy that I’m spending time with your sister?” I asked.
“Sure, sure whatever,” Brent replied. “I’m just saying, you don’t need to spend all your free time with her. You need some good old guys’ time.”
“Uh, to be honest… I have better conversations with Megan than I do with the boys.”
“Fuck off.”
“I’m being serious.”
“Dude, it sounds like she’s got you wrapped around her little finger.”
“Better hers than yours.”
“Fine then,” Brent replied, and he sounded a little huffy now. “Next week.”
“Yep.” I nodded, glad that he was letting this go.
“Where should we go?” he asked.
“There’s a new pub not far from your place,” I suggested. “We could chill out there after work.”
I was hoping he would agree to that so I could cut out a little early and meet Megan afterwards. I had no doubt that some hot girl would distract Brent and he would abandon me for her, which I was actually counting on.
“Ugh, a pub sounds kind of chill…”
“That’s the point—”
“I want to do something fun!” Brent said. “Something exciting.”
I frowned. “We’ll decide on the night, okay?”
“Fine,” he agreed.
“Okay, I gotta go. I’ll probably see you tonight, though.”
“Why… Oh… Megan,” Brent said darkly.
“Are you seriously jealous of your own sister?” I asked, only partly amused.
“I’m just saying, dude…you need to sort out your priorities.”
Rolling my eyes, I hung up on Brent and got dressed. I did a few chores around the apartment, something I’d been neglecting for weeks, and then I started getting ready for my date with Megan. It was a little early to be leaving already, but I figured the earlier I left, the more time I’d get with her.
Brent was the one who opened the door for me when I got there, looking like he was in a bit of a mood. “Oh, it’s you,” he said, walking back towards his spot on the couch.
“Where’s Megan?” I asked.
“In the bathroom, getting ready,” Brent replied.
She came out a second later. It amazed me how she managed to look casual and beautiful at the same time. She was wearing jeans, a white blouse that hugged her perfect figure, and she was wearing her hair up tonight. I wanted to kiss her, but I decided not to do it in front of Brent. He was being childish lately, and I didn’t want to give him any more ammo.
“Hi,” Megan said, giving me a smile and a chaste peck on the cheek. “Ready to go?”
“Yep.” I nodded.
She grabbed her keys and turned to her brother. “Hey, just so you know I cleaned out your room this morning.”
“Thanks.” He nodded, without looking away from the television.
“There’s something wrong with your closet door, though… I think it’s jammed. I couldn’t get in.”
“It’s locked,” he replied.
Megan frowned. “Why would you lock your closet door?”
“Because that’s where I stash my porno collection.”
“Eww,” she said, wrinkling her nose. “In that case, thanks for locking your closet.”
Shaking my head at Brent, Megan and I headed out into town. We discussed movies and music on our way to the restaurant and by the time we reached the city, the stress and pain of the previous day had melted away. I was starting to feel focused and determined again.
We walked into the restaurant holding hands, and the waiter showed us to the table I’d reserved the previous day.
“Wow, you need reservations here,” Megan said, looking around. “I don’t think I’ve ever been to a place this fancy before.”
“Neither have I,” I admitted. “But I work hard for a living, and I’d like to be able to enjoy the finer things in life from time to time. And I really wanted to treat you to a nice sit-down dinner.”
Megan gave me a heartfelt smile. “You’re too good to me.”
“It’s nothing you don’t deserve.”
She stretched her hand out towards me, and we linked fingers over the table. It was amazing how easily she could transform my mood. It was amazing how easily she could transform my perspective. And just like that, I saw us together, ten, twenty years from now, sitting at a restaurant like this discussing our children.
It was a scary thought…but the good kind of scary. It was the kind of fear that made me excited and hopeful and full of purpose.
Megan
“Hi, honey,” Marta said as she breezed into her cubicle next to mine.
“Hi, Marta,” I greeted.
“Guess what I have for you,” Marta said, holding up a bunch of thin pamphlets that looked like brochures.
“What are those?” I asked.
“These are pamphlets for the courses offered here,” she replied, handing them over.
As my interest piqued, I lo
oked through them, realizing that there were a few options that I was genuinely interested in. There were a couple of courses that ran for three months, but the more intensive and obviously the more useful courses ran for a minimum of six months. The longest course ran for twelve months.
“What do you think?”
“I’m definitely interested,” I said. “And, the prices are really reasonable.”
“I told you,” Marta nodded. “Being an employee here comes with its perks.”
I put the pamphlets in my bag. “I’ll go over them when I get home,” I told her. “Thanks so much.”
“Of course, hon,” she nodded. “Happy to help.”
“I really am interested in a few courses… I just need to save up enough money to take them,” I said. “And, I want to find a place of my own soon, too.”
“Living with your brother is not going so well, huh?” Marta asked.
“It’s okay, I suppose.” I shrugged. “It’s just a small apartment, there’s only one room and I don’t have any privacy. Plus my brother is kind of…”
“An asshole?”
I laughed. “I was going to say weird…my brother is a little weird,” I clarified. “And to be honest, I don’t much care for his friends.”
“Aren’t you dating one of his friends?” she asked pointedly.
I smiled. “Phil is different,” I said. “And, I think he’s the only one. Sometimes I wonder how on earth he became friends with my brother in the first place.”
“How are things going with lover boy?” she asked curiously.
“Really well,” I said. “Phil’s one of the good ones. He’s been really busy this week, so I haven’t seen him at all since last Sunday. He’s off tonight, but he’s promised to spend some time with Brent.”
“You could tag along?” she suggested.
“Brent would throw a hissy fit,” I said. “He’s been going on about this boys’ night out the whole week. I don’t want to impose. Although, I’m sure Phil wouldn’t mind… Brent’s the one who’d have a problem with it.”